Their story of Rape and Reconiliation. *trigger Warning*

arrianalexander wrote: »

He wasn't prosecuted so he wouldn't be on the sex offenders list . She didn't report it at time and by time she was open about it the statute of limitations had run out or expired (whichever the right phrase is) they were both on pat Kenny one morning and both admitted they couldn't get it to court . Yes ridiculous since there is no denial but unfortunately that's how this case is. As far as I can remember she said the laws have changed since.
Not pretending to be an expert but that's what I recall from interview, I'm sure it's on a pat Kenny newstalk podcast

Point is that there was a crime committed. Two witnesses and an admission of guilt are available now to prosecute that crime and nobody is prosecuting it.

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

The above is a far cry from saying a woman "shouldn't have got so drunk that let someone rape her!". A million miles from it in fact and as I said earlier... some people just can't seem to make the distinction between risk reduction measures and victim blaming... but a distinction there is and quite a large one but unfortunately it would seem some would rather not see it.

I think there is almost a hysteria in some circles about what is undeniably sensible advice. You SHOULD be able to do whatever, wear whatever, go wherever and so on - you should be, but that doesn't mean you are.

Much better in my mind to avoid any trouble, than to encounter it but have the moral high ground. That applies to all manner of things, not just rape.

It's better to not walk down that dark alley and get mugged, than to walk down it and know it's not your fault you were mugged. Better to take the long way home and avoid the gang of youngfellas drinking in the park, than to be the innocent victim of a hiding.

There is such a thing as common sense and self preservation. It's still not your fault per se, but if you temp fate it has a nasty habit of biting you on the arse.

Persephone kindness wrote: »

It is just a reminder to victims that no matter what is said don't let it make YOU feel bad ..even if that seems hard. You did nothing wrong.

Rape is obviously a hugely emotive crime and so any kind of comment on or about it tends to elicits a response from someone. When a portion of those someone's are victims of rape or advocates for victims of rape then the whole discussion around the topic becomes a minefield - and I don't think that benefits anyone, victims included.

To use the judge in question's analogy; if someone has their car stolen after leaving it unlocked in a dodgy area nobody has an issue with anyone stressing the best way to deter would-be or opportunistic car thieves is to lock the car. Nobody gets upset thinking, wow, you think it's my fault my car was stolen...we should only be targeting car thieves and leaving victims of car thefts out of it. I don't think anyone views people as cars or that the horror of rape equates with car theft, but that the underlying principals of risk reduction apply to both...and for some reason while locking the car in a safe area is lauded as absolute common sense, suggesting women avoid making themselves even more vulnerable than they already are is chastised as victim blaming - when really, we should care a damn sight more about women than bloody cars!

In an ideal world nobody would ever need to take precautions about anything because crime would not exist. But we don't live in an ideal world. Rapists exist. Some are abusive partners. Some are sadistic predators. Some are opportunistic. I don't think there is any way to avoid the former two but there are some things you can do to lessen your chances of being targeted by the latter...and I read that judgement in the context of a woman using her voice having seen multiple sexual assault trials to underline that point....and if that caution means one less woman being raped then surely that's a good thing?!

Ciderswigger wrote: »

I honestly cant get my head around this sentence.This isn't some love-in where by the end of it everyone should feel better about themselves. This is a major sexual assault that can have repercussions for the rest of the victims life. A rapist SHOULD live with the feeling and knowledge that they are a monster.

I don't really get the concern for the rapists feeling either, I have to say. You feel bad that you raped someone? Well boo hoo, so you should.
You don't feel bad enough you fúcking scumbag!

Persephone kindness wrote: »

It's very rare for an abuser to allow this reconciliation for healing to happen. I wish i could happen more often.

I get where you're coming from, but with these two, I can't help but get the feeling that it's less about reconciliation, and more about self-promotion. To me it appears as though they're using their circumstances to promote a particular agenda - to frame rape in a political social context. Not once, in the videos in this thread, did the man acknowledge that he was a rapist, and even when asked the question directly by the interviewer - "Do you see yourself as a rapist?", he side-stepped the question and went on to talk about how he felt.

It just comes across as was suggested earlier - a sort of a love-in between the two of them, the woman was asked were they now friends, and she responded that it was a collaboration. Even the language they used and the way they try to frame the whole thing as this great journey of self-discovery with both of them travelling from opposite hemispheres to spend a week discussing it in South Africa? It just comes across to me at least as very "sanitised and romanticised".

If it helps her cope - fair play, grand, I don't see what harm she could possibly do to anyone but herself, and I completely get the idea of her need to forgive and understand her rapist as a human being. But when she says that she isn't suggesting that all people who have been raped should try and do what they've done, by the very fact that they are standing up on the stage and have written a book about it, and are giving talks and using their experiences to make a commentary about a wider social issue, they are trying to say that we should all try and show forgiveness and understanding to rapists, and the way they're going on, it appears that neither of them want to take responsibility for that fact.

They shouldn't just be able to say "Oh well we're not saying this or that", when that's exactly what they are saying by trying to map their own individual processing of their experience onto wider society as though society is at fault for demonising rapists, and suggesting that hurts people who have been raped too, as if to say "We shouldn't demonise rapists, we should show them forgiveness and understanding", which comes off exactly like someone suggested earlier as a bit of a love-in, a socially and politically motivated love-in which appears to be solely in both their interests.

Vic_08 wrote: »

I wish YOU would happen an awful lot less.

A bit mean! The thread got people talking.

Bambi985 wrote: »

It's all a bit too lovey dovey, let's sing songs and hold hands for me. No. A violent crime was committed, an intimate violation of a young woman whose life would then be negatively shaped around it, let's not pretend we're in an episode of the Partridge Family and that there's "something to learn" to enrich the lives of both the perpetrator and victim and let's make a TED talk about it too, shur it's too good to go to waste.

Rape is not OK. Belittling rape is not OK. Cashing in on rape is not OK. Defending or denying rape is not OK and encouraging rape victims to find "healing" in renewed contact with their scumbag victims, no matter how "sorry" they are, is not OK.

Seriously can we get through a day without another contentious rape ("or was it really rape") thread around here?

For me that's the bit that warrants the trigger warning, if anything does, and not any description of rape that might be in the video which I didn't watch.

The idea of it is making my flesh creep.

Widdershins wrote: »

It has a bit of an ''he just made a mistake'' aura to it.

What is your opinion of rapists?

I'd love to know how much the rapist makes out of this