She has a bf, but doesn't seem to be faithful

LegacyUser · 12-05-2017 01:58PM #1

Ok so I'm living abroad and there's an eastern european girl I've become really good friends with over the past 3 weeks. Initially I really wanted to get with her (and tbh the signs were there) until I found out she has a long term bf via FB (she never mentions him at all, if that's relevant). She's honestly great craic to be around anyway, so we just kept hanging out and I was cool with that.

However, in the past week or so, she's really escalated our contact to the point where she stayed at my place last night, as per her multiple requests when we were out. Nothing happened, as tbh I feel really uncomfortable with the whole thing. She's constantly touching my body, ripping my clothes off, getting really close and intimate, and insists that we do stuff alone and tries to isolate me everywhere we go. Things got especially weird when out of the blue last night she told me 'she loved me', to which I curiously replied 'like a brother or a gay bf?' to which she responded 'no, like my boyfriend'; she repeated herself about 3x later in the night and went on about how she's 'obsessed with me'. I asked her briefly about him and she wants to stay with him, sees him as marriage material, but quite honestly I don't know wtf is going on in her head. Objectively speaking, the guy is out of his league anyway, and the narcissist inside me tells me that she's upgrading but quite honestly I feel sorry for him, even though I don't know him.

I'm insanely attracted to her (not just her personality, but she's an absolute stunner) and all my friends are pushing me to go for it, but my conscience is tearing my mind to shreds. I just can't help but feel that if I was in her bf's situation how **** I'd feel if I knew this were going on.

At the same time though, I know that in a few months I'll never see her again so why not make a move? My friends seem to have no problem with it, but tbh I feel **** for even letting it get this far anyway.

I have no feelings for her, other than the fact that I like spending time with her and find her very attractive, but she clearly has more invested in me than vice versa.

Should I just see how things pan out, or take a firm stance in either direction?

Ursus Horribilis · 13-05-2017 08:48AM

If you want your head wrecked, then go for it. This situation has trouble written all over it and you are being less than honest with yourself regarding your feelings.

zoobizoo · 13-05-2017 09:16AM

If anyone says "I love you" and you only know them a very short while, then don't go there.. .

Unless you just want to sleep with her and leave it at that.

You don't sound like that type of guy though. (your friends of course will say bang her but they're not involved)

The situation sounds tricky and likely to get more complicated.....

suicide_circus · 13-05-2017 09:48AM

Id say she needs a new bf in order to break up with the old one. Seen it many a time. The "i love you" puts her even more firmly in cray cray zone. Tread carefully.

robbiezero · 13-05-2017 09:52AM

Give her wan if you like, but mentally and emotionally keep your distance, she sounds like a melter.

retro:electro · 13-05-2017 10:13AM

She sounds crazy. Run.

ross191 · 13-05-2017 10:25AM

This girls sounds like a lunatic,the stalker type. Don't do it, run!!!

leggo · 13-05-2017 10:26AM

Your head is wrecked and you're making all kind of allowances because she's hot. Maybe she's hotter than other girls you'd usually get with? Because, if she wasn't and this was more of a pure attraction, I doubt you'd even get as far as posting on here about her as you'd know the answer. But, and I'm sorry, there is a catch: she's an absolute loon ("I love you", seriously?) and an attention seeker who'd probably just jump on another guy the second you backed off.

You're telling yourself you've no more feelings for her than basic, but if that was the case you'd have slept with her by now. I mean that's not a moral choice, else you'd have run and not been in this position at all as soon as you'd found out, it's because whatever you tell yourself to get you through the day...I think you'd like more with her. Lads tend not to post on here about girls they just want to have sex with then go.

And the messed up part is that if you actually made a move, there's every chance she'll just pull away and do the "I can't...I've got a boyfriend..." deal with you, even though she's the one who's instigated all of this to begin with, based on her behaviour so far.

Run dude. There are other 4 billion girls out there, this isn't the only one.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-05-2017 10:52AM

anon231 wrote: »

I have no feelings for her, other than the fact that I like spending time with her and find her very attractive, but she clearly has more invested in me than vice versa.

Don't be too sure. She's told you she sees her boyfriend as marriage material. She hasn't said that to you. So you'd just be a bit of fun for her until she goes back to him.

If your conscience is at you ask her what her relationship with her bf is? Maybe they have an agreement to see others while they're away. If you don't feel anything for her, and she's going to be gone in a few months anyway so there's no risk of either of you falling for the other then go for it, I say.

She does sound a little bit too in your face though. I'd say the novelty would wear off her pretty quick and you'd be sick of her!

zoobizoo · 13-05-2017 11:23AM

leggo wrote: »

you're making all kind of allowances because she's hot.

That says it all.

Klonker · 13-05-2017 12:44PM

This probably won't be popular advise but I say go for it.

On the guilt thing, look she doesnt seem to have any guilt in cheating on her bf so I doubt you'll be first or last guy she'll cheat with, if she doesn't do it with you she'll probably do it with someone else. It would be different if you knew him but you don't.

I doubt she has long term plans with you since she sees her future with bf and you won't see each other after a few months so it can't get too serious so have your fun. You'll look back in future thinking remember that hot Eastern European I could have hooked up with that summer , why the hell didn't I do it

Sephiroth_dude · 13-05-2017 12:48PM

One Word

Run

Airyfairy12 · 13-05-2017 12:52PM

She sounds crazy! Her boyfriend will be after your kneecaps if he finds out.

judeboy101 · 13-05-2017 12:56PM

As St Francis of Assisi said, never stick your dick in crazy.

Dr Turk Turkelton · 13-05-2017 01:03PM

Op you might as well bang her as she has probably already told her boyfriend she stayed in your place.
He is probably at home now on the internet in a jealous rage looking up ways to dissect another human so you may as well be hung(drawn and quartered) for a sheep as a lamb.
She sounds like a total attention seeker.

LegacyUser · 13-05-2017 01:34PM

If you are in a city with a large number of people seconded there for a few months (places like Luxembourg, Brussels, Geneva etc) this behaviour isn't all that unusual in my experience. When I lived in Brussels it was reasonably common for a person to have a partner back home and sorta "Brussels partner" too. The people in Brussels knew it wasn't a serious relationship but just something to pass the time while they were away from home.

I was (and am) in a committed relationship so didn't have a fling but I wonder now if my moral objection to it is a bit misplaced. It is a relatively harmless bit of fun to the people involved. The older i get and the more couples see enter their forties with nothing to talk about and together from habit and for the children I wonder if maybe you should just grab whatever fun you can when it's going. Life is short and the older we get the more things aren't black and white, (ime anyhow)

Just use protection and don't make it any more than a fling.

squonk · 13-05-2017 01:37PM

Yup OP she's crazy but I'll tell you one thing. Regret is a killer. I'd rather be looking back thinking "Why did I do that" than "Why didn't t I do that anyway". Instead of regret I'd have learned a lesson. As she's throwing it out there and you won't be around too long, I'd say hit that. You'll have scratched the itch and next time something like this happens you'll have learned why you should run away early on. Looking back I held off from some situations because I felt it was the right thing. As time goes by though your interpretation of "the right thing" changes and now, having learned some lessons, I think it's better to just go for these things. You can forgive yourself down the line. You'll always live with regret.

guppy · 14-05-2017 01:23AM

Thestarsovertheseas wrote: »

The older i get and the more couples see enter their forties with nothing to talk about and together from habit and for the children I wonder if maybe you should just grab whatever fun you can when it's going. Life is short and the older we get the more things aren't black and white, (ime anyhow)

No, things definitely are not as black and white as you get older, but those bored couples in their 40s would still be/ are just as bored of each other regardless of how often they cheated on each other earlier in the relationship. It's just delaying the inevitable (been there, done that, now in a relationship that works having learnt the hard way).

OP, she's a complete head wreck. Sleep with her if you want to, cos she's hot and you have no ties/nothing to feel guilty about, but be prepared for the drama that will follow. And it will follow.

Gonecraycray · 15-05-2017 08:29AM

OP why would you bother. I don't buy this whole "if you don't you will live with the regret" its sex with a crazy person not an opportunity to travel the world. She sounds nuts and her boyfriend could be a very decent man who's mad about her, not that that's your responsibility but you sound like a decent guy who wants to do the right thing. There is plenty of hot girls out there and if you are as attractive as u say I'm sure you'll have no problem getting with a single girl.

leggo · 15-05-2017 08:56AM

Yeah gotta agree. Sex isn't that hard to come by these days that you need to mess around with crazy and, in turn, get messed around with. And, if it is, hit the gym and turn your options around.

Estrellita · 16-05-2017 11:51AM

Never mind what your friends say, and back the hell off, fast. You're letting the guy in your pants do all the thinking. Think about it, if one of your mates said to you some s.hit hot girl is saying she loves him and is obsessed with him after such a short period of time, would you tell him to go for it? She sounds mad.

Cheaters are a particular peeve of mine. I wouldn't be able to get it out of my head what she is willing to do on her boyfriend to go any further. It's such an ugly thing to do to someone.

The fact that you have at least some reservations about going any further despite the pressure from your mates is a good thing. Go with your gut on this one.

Idle Passerby · 16-05-2017 12:49PM

She's not invested in you at all. She fancies you and wants a shag, that's all. If she's so gorgeous it's probably alot easier for her to get that whenever she wants so your being hesitant is probably exciting to her. Telling you she loves you was just her adding intrigue to her game. She doesn't seriously love some guy she's met when she's simultaneously saying she's sticking with her partner and intends to marry him.

More than likely she's cheated on him before and will again. He is in no way batting out of his league if he's with someone who doesn't respect him regardless of how attractive she is. And to be honest her looks sound like the only thing she has going for her. I'd run a mile, only because she's got drama written all over her.

LegacyUser · 16-05-2017 01:06PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Don't be too sure. She's told you she sees her boyfriend as marriage material. She hasn't said that to you. So you'd just be a bit of fun for her until she goes back to him.

If your conscience is at you ask her what her relationship with her bf is? Maybe they have an agreement to see others while they're away. If you don't feel anything for her, and she's going to be gone in a few months anyway so there's no risk of either of you falling for the other then go for it, I say.

+ 1 Maybe the BF and her have an open relationship or maybe she's playing him for a mug as she sees him as safe marriage material but wants to have fun for now. How about stop dancing around and just ask directly what she wants. Sounds like you just want a shag and don't see her as a long term GF so ask her what the situation is with the BF and decide than what you are comfortable with.

Xterminator · 17-05-2017 10:06AM

Hi OP

if you are interested in pursuing this, demand she breaks up with her partenr BEFORE you consumate.

it will educate you to know what her response is.

LegacyUser · 11-06-2017 08:33PM

Just a follow up to this.

So I took people's advice here and indeed backed away and avoided her for the past few weeks, as I felt things were getting too bad.

The problem is no matter how hard we try (she's told me she's tried to distance from me aswell, as per advice she received) we always end up alone together, and to be quite honest I'm admitting that I'm falling for her. We're almost inseperable, and believe me I know logically this just isn't good for me at all.

I've been completely open about my thoughts and intentions, and even though she insists that she wants us to be just friends I can't help but feel she just wants me to do something more. I can read her like a book, and yesterday I discussed with her how I thought she's conflicted between stability and excitement, and how she longs for both but doesn't have the latter at home. I was 100% correct on this according to her. She also said that there's basically 2 versions of her personality(which I can agree with as I used to be quite a shy, quiet person until recently), the funny, bubbly girl I know and a quiet, reserved girl at home. She's indicated that she prefers this side of her though, and that she's rarely had more fun in her life before this summer.

At the back of my mind, I think that if I look back at this whole episode having never even tried to do anything, I'l regret it. I always hear stories of people in messy situations like this or worse, who end up still with them 10yrs later, and even though I'm not a romaticist at all, I just don't know if this is one of those situations, if they even exist. We only know each other 6 weeks, but already know some pretty deep stuff about each other and our lives and it's clear we both find each other incredibly attractive. I absolutely see how this can be seen as just a couple of dumb youths acting the eejit but I've no doubt that the person I want to marry is someone just like her for sure. I'm also not deluded enough to think I'll never meet someone who makes me feel this way, but it's not often I come across someone who I connect with this well so it's kinda hard to just let go completely, even though it's probably the right thing to do.

Even though her bf is a lot different to me (according to her, he's quite reserved, quiet which is quite the opposite of me), she's said that rarely has she felt happier around someone, yet he's also the same lad she said she wants to marry so you can imagine how confused that leaves me. I don't want to be a relationship-wrecker at all, and I'm quite a conservative guy which is why I haven't pushed her at all so far, but I keep thinking that there's nothing wrong with trying to intervene so my head is split completely.

I'm still at the stage where I think that logically it's best to back the **** up but I'm trying as hard as possible and it's not working (we have similar friend groups here so I'll never completely avoid her). Reading back I know I was warned that she'd wreck my head and yeah that's exactly what happened, despite my best efforts. It's left me a bit angry at myself for letting it get this far. I kinda want to just go home now but I've got a few weeks left so I don't know what to do at all. She's said she wants to stay in touch and visit each other in the future, but I don't know if that's a good idea at all.

I guess I just want to know if I should do something or nothing at all (avoiding her just won't work anymore) and am I a prick if I do?

Sorry for the length of this.

leggo · 11-06-2017 10:25PM

**** it. Do it. You're gonna anyway and you're gonna get hurt. So take the shackles off and get whatever happens over with. It'll wise you up for next time.

retro:electro · 11-06-2017 10:48PM

Same advise as last time. While she has a boyfriend don't even think about it. She sounds like a head wreck, quite honestly.

Ursus Horribilis · 11-06-2017 11:10PM

So what are you looking for? You're long on excuses and short on personal responsibility. If you were serious about not getting tangled up with this head-wrecking woman you'd have taken steps to avoid her. You could have blocked her number, deleted her off your social media and made sure not to end up alone with her. You're being led by the little man in your pants here, not by the common sense part of your brain.

It seems inevitable that you're going to boink her. It's reprehensible behaviour by both of you and I pity her boyfriend. So all I'll advise you to do us wear a condom and don't knock her up.

tara73 · 12-06-2017 09:25AM

yes, still the same situation and the same advice.
I agree, she's a headwreck, but at the same time, she's telling you exactly what she wants from you: some excitement. because she misses that in her relationship with her marriage material boyfriend. with this she's quite honest and one can say fair.

you on the other hand are on the opposite side: you have fallen completely for her.

see, I think you are in a position you need to or want to make this (very hurtful, I speak from experience) experience. Because almost everybody is telling you the same here, that you will get completely hurt if you start an affair with her but the advice doesn't seem to convince you. So people who can't listen to almost unisono advice need to learn it the hard way to know what others are talking about.

I still advice you to cut contact with her, but in the end only you decide. best of luck.

stargazer 68 · 12-06-2017 10:26AM

Op do you really want to be someone's bit on the side? Because that's all you will be - she will still set up home and marry her boyfriend and leave you high and dry. If she hasn't broken up with him and started a relationship with you then she isn't going to.

tara73 · 12-06-2017 10:40AM

just realised, your headline for the thread is distinctive, in a way you yourself put it there in a nutshell: She has a bf, but doesn't seem to be faithful

she's a cheater, you really want to be involved with this?

She has a bf, but doesn't seem to be faithful

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