Hassle from strangers

D3V!L · 06-04-2017 01:26PM #1

I like to keep myself to myself and twice in the last day I've gotten hassle from complete strangers. Last night in a supermarket a guy marches up to me and stood in my path. I said "excuse me", wouldn't budge and that I'm going this way. His answer was right up to my face "you're no better than me and I can go where i like" !!

He marched off muttering.

Today when I was just out of the office 10 steps in a business area I had two lads give me sh!t because i didn't know where some place was. I said "sorry I dont know" and didn't break my step. Only to get a load of abuse.

A couple of weeks back I was sitting on a bus minding my own business when a bunch of teens get on a single me out from the other side of the bus looking for trouble. Again I was minding my own business on the way home from the office.

Short of thinking I have a sign over my head I can't see is there anything anyone could suggest ?

silverharp · 06-04-2017 01:49PM

I'd say random and nothing to worry about, you could go 6 months to a year before something like that happens again, they were all different situations and you will bump into odd people from time to time.

The one where you were asked directions , you weren't at fault but I'd probably have at least feigned an interest or paused and said something like "sorry, I don't live around here" . As a general rule I tend to move out of people's way and not exercise my given right to walk in a straight line

cant be arsed wasting bandwidth working out who has moral "right of way"
You will bump into a55holes from time to time, Ive had people stand in front of me last second when jogging, Ive had a guy pretend to punch me when walking by, there are morons out there.

Dial Hard · 06-04-2017 01:50PM

D3V!L wrote:

Short of thinking I have a sign over my head I can't see is there anything anyone could suggest ?

It's possible you're giving off a vibe that's drawing it on you to a degree. Certainly if someone reacted the way you describe below to something as simple as asking for directions I'd think them extremely rude, not to mention strange. I wouldn't give them abuse over it, mind you, but I would be scratching my head.

D3V!L wrote:

Today when I was just out of the office 10 steps in a business area I had two lads give me sh!t because i didn't know where some place was. I said "sorry I dont know" and didn't break my step. Only to get a load of abuse.

freshpopcorn · 06-04-2017 02:25PM

Teenagers can just be like that sometimes. You've just to ignore them.

I've no idea what happened in the supermarket tough.

GingerLily · 06-04-2017 02:27PM

Your entitled to keep yourself to yourself but if you want to avoid abuse then you could definitely work on your manners.
I usually don't know where places are when I get asked for directions but I'll always at least make an effort to help or let them know I don't actually know the area.
Also why did you ask someone to get out of your way in the supermarket? Had they physically blocked the way through or did you just not like to walk around them?

D3V!L · 06-04-2017 02:45PM

GingerLily wrote: »

Your entitled to keep yourself to yourself but if you want to avoid abuse then you could definitely work on your manners.

Taking from my original post how would you have done it ? is "sorry I dont know" not sufficient in the majority of cases.

GingerLily wrote: »

Also why did you ask someone to get out of your way in the supermarket? Had they physically blocked the way through or did you just not like to walk around them?

When did I ask anyone to get out of my way ? Did you read my post ?

freshpopcorn · 06-04-2017 02:50PM

D3V!L wrote: »

When did I ask anyone to get out of my way ? Did you read my post ?

I actually find your supermarket experience a little confusing to be honest!

D3V!L · 06-04-2017 02:57PM

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I actually find your supermarket experience a little confusing to be honest!

It confused me too hence the reason i posted. This chap was going to my left and I was going to my right which was around the front of a waist height shelf.

To my left was meters of room yet he stood in front of me and blocked me from going to the right. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

freshpopcorn · 06-04-2017 03:03PM

D3V!L wrote: »

It confused me too hence the reason i posted. This chap was going to my left and I was going to my right which was around the front of a waist height shelf.

To my left was meters of room yet he stood in front of me and blocked me from going to the right. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

Was he looking at something and thought you we're being a bit pushy when you said excuse me?

blue note · 06-04-2017 03:03PM

The supermarket one is a little hard to understand to be honest. It sounds to me like one of you had to move and you asked him to instead of moving around him yourself? He might have forgotten something and gone back to get it and you were in his way and he was waiting for you to move or something.

On the directions that certainly sounds rude. If I asked someone and they didn't know I'd expect them to have the courtesy to stop and tell me.

On the teenagers - maybe they're just teenagers and you did nothing wrong.

D3V!L · 06-04-2017 03:05PM

blue note wrote: »

On the directions that certainly sounds rude. If I asked someone and they didn't know I'd expect them to have the courtesy to stop and tell me.

Even if the person asking you hadn't actually stopped and was walking at the same pace. I'm honestly sorry i opened this thread, there's a lot of presumptions being made.

harr · 06-04-2017 03:10PM

You sound unlucky to get hassled like that from strangers 3 times in such a short period of time..as others have pointed out maybe you were coming across as rude or confrontational ..,your supermarket experience is definitely strange.

dee_mc · 06-04-2017 03:19PM

I'd write off the encounter with teenagers as bad luck or coincidence, but I'm pretty sure the other two instances were sparked by your tone/expression/general demeanour. Even your tone when responding to people who have answered you on this thread comes across as rude, dismissive and confrontational.
I find that keeping things polite but distant, for example just moving around someone who stands in my way unless it's 100% necessary to ask them to move, or replying 'I'm sorry, I don't know the area well' while stopping for a second if someone asks me directions and I'm not sure.
People's reactions generally reflect yours when it comes to random interaction with strangers, but of course some are just dicks and some are just teenagers and in either of those cases, you just have to move on with your day and forget them! No point in taking it to heart.

blue note · 06-04-2017 03:20PM

D3V!L wrote:

Even if the person asking you hadn't actually stopped and was walking at the same pace. I'm honestly sorry i opened this thread, there's a lot of presumptions being made.

You're asking for advice and we're responding based on what you've given us. The"sorry I don't know" without breaking a step sounds like it could come across as dismissive. The guy in the supermarket sounds to me like you could have been going the same way (might be have wanted something behind you? Maybe he thought you might go left so didn't want to go that way too to avoid the awkward situation when you both keep going the same way trying to avoid each other).

Basically, I don't get hassle very often from strangers. I don't know many people that do (that I'm aware of) aside from the cat calling that women give out about, but that's not what you're talking about. So if it's happening to you regularly, there probably is something about your manner / demeanour that is causing this. And your post above dismissing people's comments because of "presumptions made" is pretty much an insult to people trying to help you. That sort of thing is possibly how you're getting people's backs up.

D3V!L · 06-04-2017 03:21PM

dee_mc wrote: »

I'd write off the encounter with teenagers as bad luck or coincidence, but I'm pretty sure the other two instances were sparked by your tone/expression/general demeanour. Even your tone when responding to people who have answered you on this thread comes across as rude, dismissive and confrontational.
I find that keeping things polite but distant, for example just moving around someone who stands in my way unless it's 100% necessary to ask them to move, or replying 'I'm sorry, I don't know the area well' while stopping for a second if someone asks me directions and I'm not sure.
People's reactions generally reflect yours when it comes to random interaction with strangers, but of course some are just dicks and some are just teenagers and in either of those cases, you just have to move on with your day and forget them! No point in taking it to heart.

Thanks for the constructive post

I thought my replies were valid, as some of them were in reply to people not reading my OP or just filling in the gaps.

Merkin · 06-04-2017 03:24PM

If you're being as abrupt in real life as you are to people who responded to you then that might be possibly why people are hassling you. You mightn't even be aware you're doing it so it might be an idea to really have a think about how you interact with people and what kind of vibe you may be giving off.

dee_mc · 06-04-2017 04:54PM

D3V!L wrote:

Thanks for the constructive post I thought my replies were valid, as some of them were in reply to people not reading my OP or just filling in the gaps.

No worries! I think it's a case of 'it's not what you say, it's how you say it'. Being polite and even bland is a great way of avoiding drama in this life!

07-04-2017 07:55AM

D3V!L wrote: »

I'm honestly sorry i opened this thread, there's a lot of presumptions being made.

Would you have preferred if everyone had replied "sorry I don't know" and kept going?

As Dee pointed out, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. You're coming across as defensive at best here, when there's really no need for it.

It could be that there's a similar air about you in real life.

beans · 07-04-2017 08:51AM

Don't over-think any of this. Even the fact that you went out of your way to start this thread suggests you're simmering with pent-up feelings and need to vent.

I've been there, and obsessing on this kind of stuff isn't healthy. They don't have it in for you. There are kind people in the world. Try to be a bit kinder yourself and you'll see them. Continue to dissect everyone's behaviour looking for why they're treating you badly and you'll continue to see nothing but ar$eholes.

Turtle_ · 07-04-2017 08:59AM

Teenagers on a bus? They're being teenagers.

Supermarket? Your OP and even the subsequent posts aren't exactly clear about what happened. The way you worded the op made it sound as if you were quietly minding your own business and someone came running over to stand in your way. Nobody does that, so most posters here assumed that your version of events was very much one sided and something else must have happened. Completely reasonable assumption when faced with an implausible scenario. Your subsequent reaction to people is aggressive. Kinda hints at ya know, you being an aggressive person who rubs people up the wrong way.

As for the directions? Doesn't matter a damn that they were walking. You stop momentarily, ask "oh where are you looking for?" And if you don't know, you just say "I'm really sorry, I don't know where that is. Maybe the people in the shop/the receptionist in that building over there would know?" Your reaction was just rude though. You may not like to hear it, but that's the truth. It's rude and dismissive. Heaven forbid you were in an unfamiliar place looking for somewhere important and needed directions.

And if you think nothing wrong of how you've reacted to people on this thread and the person looking for directions, then you have your answer. You find yourself in these scenarios because you're rude and aggressive, and that's something people pick up on and react to.

power pants · 07-04-2017 09:34AM

You seem rude in your replies and in the events you described.

Not stopping and saying you don't know when leaving the office, gives impression you can't be bothered helping.

Also supermarket, still don't really understand but I'm going to give the benefit of doubt to the other person

GritBiscuit · 07-04-2017 09:56AM

D3V!L wrote: »

Even if the person asking you hadn't actually stopped and was walking at the same pace. I'm honestly sorry i opened this thread, there's a lot of presumptions being made.

I suspect people are just basing their views on how they would have reacted in similar circumstances - from your perspective and from those you were interacting with....for instance if someone asks me a question on the street, I am usually in a world of my own and completely not expecting a stranger to ask me something so would have to stop and apologise and ask them to repeat themselves at the very least - and I would probably do my best to give a suggestion, look up google maps on my phone or point them to the nearest place/people that could help. If someone I ask for help throws a "Don't know" at me without breaking pace, I'm probably going to suspect they are really saying "Don't care"...
We've all been a situation where someone goes the same way as us, on the street, supermarket, whatever. My usual response is to laugh and say "dos-Ã¡-dos!" or the like and make a point of waiting until they pass or indicate which side they are going on.
The bottom line is in life, on a forum, wherever, people react better to honey than vinegar - so try using that and see if you get a different response. That said, some people are just a bit off or odd but if you make the effort to put your best foot forward towards people that have done you no wrong, at least you'll not be wondering what you did to set them off!

Best of luck!

sashafierce · 07-04-2017 10:39AM

This post has been deleted.

07-04-2017 11:05AM

The OP is mulling over stuff far more than is actually healthy.

zoobizoo · 07-04-2017 11:45AM

I can understand where the OP is coming from.

The three incidents, while separate, might make me think that I'm doing something to bring on this type of behaviour from others.

I'd forget about the teenagers OP - they really do try to wind people up for no reason. And the reason could be that you spot them (thinking 'oh no'), they spot you spotting them with a possible look of "don't talk to me" and then the self full filling prophecy gets fulfilled.

You had every right not to stop for those guys looking for directions. You didn't know, you told them and because you didn't stop they took offence? That's their thing - not yours. There are many people who would do the same.

As for the guy in the Supermarket - there are people who are just a bit odd. That's life.

What can happen on these threads is that one person creates a narrative and others follow down that road without possibly looking at all angles.

freshpopcorn · 07-04-2017 12:08PM

zoobizoo wrote: »

I can understand where the OP is coming from.

The three incidents, while separate, might make me think that I'm doing something to bring on this type of behaviour from others.

I'd forget about the teenagers OP - they really do try to wind people up for no reason. And the reason could be that you spot them (thinking 'oh no'), they spot you spotting them with a possible look of "don't talk to me" and then the self full filling prophecy gets fulfilled.

You had every right not to stop for those guys looking for directions. You didn't know, you told them and because you didn't stop they took offence? That's their thing - not yours. There are many people who would do the same.

As for the guy in the Supermarket - there are people who are just a bit odd. That's life.

What can happen on these threads is that one person creates a narrative and others follow down that road without possibly looking at all angles.

The OP was very vague especially when talking about the guy in the supermarket. To me it sounds like she wanted him to move instead of her moving around him.
She's also coming across a little rude in her replies.

skankkuvhima · 07-04-2017 05:25PM

There is a saying "If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."

I don't mean that the op is an asshole but you get the gist of the saying

theoldbreed · 09-04-2017 10:52AM

I'm a bit surprised at some of the comments on here.
Firstly we all know how emails, texts etc can come across. How many times have people taken the tone of texts etc the wrong way when it wasn't meant that way. I don't think the OP had the intention to be rude in their replies but I definitely think some people have been a little harsh in theirs.

Secondly never mind the incident with the teenagers, they can be painful in groups trying to out cool each other.

The situation with the directions.... I've asked people for directions before and they've just walked on and yes it was a little rude from my point of view, maybe stop for a second and say you don't know....A smile works wonders.

Sounds to me OP that you're quite introvert and you like to go about your day relatively unbothered which is totally fine. I don't see you bring rude as much as very anxious or eager to keep yourself to yourself and to people who don't understand that it can come across as rude. Most people are nice OP and a genuine smile can change the nature of many situations. Some people are ****ehawks but let them get on with it, not your problem.

dd972 · 10-04-2017 12:10AM

I've had loads of this s**t OP so you're not alone, one thing that someone said to me once really resonated, there are people, probably in the majority, with faces that are instantly and subconsciously accepted by strangers in every room or social setting they walk into, you can be any gender, nationality, race, sexuality, etc but having one of these faces guarantees a life on easy street.

Needless to say I don't have one and you probably don't either, certain actors or actresses for instance always get typecast as dingbat or idiotic characters whilst others get the gig as suave or regular ones. I've always felt there is a chasm between the personality I really am behind my eyeballs and in my head and what people are 'seeing' based on my face and voice, it's a very frustrating thing but it's never going to change.

silverharp · 10-04-2017 09:19AM

dd972 wrote: »

I've had loads of this s**t OP so you're not alone, one thing that someone said to me once really resonated, there are people, probably in the majority, with faces that are instantly and subconsciously accepted by strangers in every room or social setting they walk into, you can be any gender, nationality, race, sexuality, etc but having one of these faces guarantees a life on easy street.

Needless to say I don't have one and you probably don't either, certain actors or actresses for instance always get typecast as dingbat or idiotic characters whilst others get the gig as suave or regular ones. I've always felt there is a chasm between the personality I really am behind my eyeballs and in my head and what people are 'seeing' based on my face and voice, it's a very frustrating thing but it's never going to change.

I'd say you are overstating the case, the issue the OP might have is not picking up all the social cues that we subconsciously use out in public. So OP unknowingly "breaks" one of these little unwritten rules and gets unwanted feedback.

leggo · 10-04-2017 10:08AM

This thread was really interesting in that I don't think I'm alone in starting it thinking, "Yeah, jeez, that's weird I wonder why it's happening?" to reading the OP's replies and thinking, "Oh yeah...that's probably why it's happening..."

To try put words on it, though, to help OP: most of these misunderstandings and breakdowns usually stem from a position where both people feel they're right and it's neither person understanding where the other person is coming from. You seem to mull a lot over the little things, which would lead me to think...is it a stretch to say you may have a tiny bit of social anxiety? In that basic things like small chat with strangers or, say, the 'rules' of giving directions would seem to be a grey area to you that'd confuse you? Nothing wrong with it if it's the case, I know I find myself in situations at times thinking to myself "Why wasn't that whole little thing that just happened...easier, like it is for most people?!"

But then, maybe to look at you as a stranger, it mightn't look that way. You may be good looking, or appear well turned out, confident and successful, something like that. So perhaps the world is looking at you as "That person is clearly doing great for themselves and hasn't a care in the world!" As if the notion that you could have a bit of social anxiety or confidence issues or whatnot appears ridiculous to them. So while in your head you're thinking "This is difficult for me and I'm not comfortable", they're translating it as "I think I'm better than you" simply because you seem to be dealing with things fine that their own insecurities flare up. I've gotten that before. I can appear, and can be, very confident in some scenarios and then not at all in others, so when someone sees me in one then I act another way in another, they take it personally and tend to react as such. **** I even get it on boards sometimes! :pac:

It's a pain but the only thing you can really do is be mindful of it, trying to act accordingly with that information to hand, and then just shrug off and not beat yourself up about when it doesn't go to plan.

Hassle from strangers

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