"Why I did not report my rapist"

retro:electro · 25-02-2017 05:52PM

Robsweezie wrote: »

I get the hypocrisy, but it is a specially emotive topic for her and a lot of others, so I also get the need to block out the negativity, however naive.

It's an emotive topic for a lot of people! Hence why people want a discussion. If it was something that was too emotive for her to discuss, then she should have reconsidered her public blog post and written it in her diary instead.

py2006 · 25-02-2017 05:54PM

noaddedsugar wrote: »

This thread is getting hysterical. You are no more likely to be falsely accused of rape than you are any other crime. So if you don't walk around being worried about being falsely accused of murder or burglary there is no need to be worried about being falsely accused of rape.

It is very difficult to prove innocence when accused of rape and even if you do the accusation alone can destroy you.

I am far more likely to have sex with a woman than to be involved in murder or burglary which leaves me open to accusations. Unlikely (I hope) but if more and more women read these feminist articles the more chance that false accusations are going to become the norm somewhere in the future. Hopefully not.

It also doesn't help that the definition of rape is being continually diluted by feminists.

goz83 · 25-02-2017 05:54PM

That woman is a complete tool and is dangerous. She slept with a guy after "recently" breaking up with her boyfriend and calls the guy a rebound. Then a week later, she was socialising with him and having drinks. OK, she said no, but if there was no force, how did her pyjamas just end up coming off? By kissing the guy in the bedroom a week after they had sex, it is no surprise to expect that she might want to again. She used him as a rebound and then calls him a rapist? Clearly she has been reading about too many "evil men" in trashy magazines.

I have had sex plenty of times over the years when I wasn't in the mood. Most of those times, I would get in the mood at some stage into it, but not always. I understand the whole "easier" to let it happen, but if I called rape on those times, then most of the women I have been intimate with would have been reported for rape a few times over. We are living in a seriously fcucked up world. Soon, we will all need to sign contracts of consent under the watchful eye of our lawyers before we engage in any sexual acts.

skankkuvhima · 25-02-2017 06:01PM

noaddedsugar wrote: »

You are no more likely to be falsely accused of rape than you are any other crime

I imagine that sentence is complete rubbish. Ask Maurice McCabe. Its an easy way to completely destroy a mans life

Shelga · 25-02-2017 06:05PM

sara1 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I totally agree. Now that I'm seeing the bigger picture and in context of other things she has said, such as 100% of men bear responsibility for sexual harassment, I am rapidly losing respect for her.

It would have been totally different if she had framed her story around the confusion of young college students, lack of confidence, communication issues, how we are brought up to deal with all of these things clumsily with a few drinks taken. That is all totally valid and necessary discussion. But no. She had to label him a rapist, to level one of the most serious accusations any person could ever imagine dealing with. And the more I think about it, even my half-hearted belief that maybe she genuinely thinks this is rape is disappearing.

How could she possibly think it is so. And if there is even the tiniest smidgen of doubt, why in god's name would she call it rape on a blog read by thousands of people. Today's blog culture is far more dangerous than her imaginary rape culture, and she will never even see it because she has gone too far to ever admit she was wrong now.

25-02-2017 06:12PM

skankkuvhima wrote: »

I imagine that sentence is complete rubbish. Ask Maurice McCabe. Its an easy way to completely destroy a mans life

Maurice mccabe was never falsely accused of rape

25-02-2017 06:13PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I'd have left and banged the other guy I was kissing.
.

So, you would have enough respect for him & yourself to leave when he said no.
But yet you don't hold the guy in this story to your own standards?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 25-02-2017 06:32PM

bubblypop wrote: »

So, you would have enough respect for him & yourself to leave when he said no.
But yet you don't hold the guy in this story to your own standards?

No, if you're going to quote something quote it all.
FWB vocally said no.
FWB vocally expressed his concern that it was a terrible idea
FWB may even have said "Lexie stop" I can't remember

Then FWB proceeded in the act of opening his belt (that I was struggling with) laughing at my failed attempts, and helped me get his pants off.
He did not at any stage say "actually, I've changed my mind, let's do this".

He implied consent by showing me how to remove his rape proof belt and assisting me with his pants removal.

I would hold the poor unfortunate in the article to the exact same standards as I'd hold myself to. "Does no mean no?" "Is the other person uncomfortable or Is consent implied?"

If he had said to me when it was time to get those pants off, "seriously lex, don't" I wouldn't have because i would know he wasn't playing hard to get, but that he really didn't want to.

I understand she said no, but she implied consent by kissing him and allowing him to remove each item of clothing without protest.

She had ample opportunity to make her wishes known. Yes, maybe he should have stopped at the first no, but if you fear you're going to be raped - and I say that as having been in that situation fearing the worst - you say no again, and you keep saying no until he listens. You shouldn't have to, but it's your responsibility to do everything in your power to safeguard yourself and your own body. If there is any chance he has just misread this signals then you need to make yourself clear so there's no room for doubt.

If you decide "ugh! The effort of this now, but it'll be done in ten minutes and at least inqont have to tell him I don't like him" you are deciding to engage in sex. When you are raped you do not get a choice, that decision is made for you.

The night I was raped could have gone either way either. When he pushed me back onto the bed - in the exact same scenario as i outlined earlier, after i sat up and said no, he pushed me back onto the bed.
I could have said feck it, it's only sex and went along with it.

We know now that guy is/was a rapist but had I made that choice to kiss him back and go along with it, i would have consented and he wouldn't have raped me.

I didn't though. I said no. I was crying saying no, i was crying asking him to stop. He was on top of me, looking at my face as tears streamed down my face begging him to stop. He responded by telling me to shush that it's okay, it's okay. it wasn't okay, he was left with no confusion whatsoever whether i wanted him or not and he decided to take it.

I could have decided to give in, like Rosemary did, but i didn't. And there is the difference.

sunshine and showers · 25-02-2017 06:38PM

py2006 wrote: »

It is very difficult to prove innocence when accused of rape and even if you do the accusation alone can destroy you.

I am far more likely to have sex with a woman than to be involved in murder or burglary which leaves me open to accusations. Unlikely (I hope) but if more and more women read these feminist articles the more chance that false accusations are going to become the norm somewhere in the future. Hopefully not.

It also doesn't help that the definition of rape is being continually diluted by feminists.

Thankfully that's not how the criminal justice system works.

Since apparently all the feminists are out to get all the men. :rolleyes:

Calhoun · 25-02-2017 06:42PM

sunshine and showers wrote: »

Thankfully that's not how the criminal justice system works.

Since apparently all the feminists are out to get all the men. :rolleyes:

They aren't 2nd wave feminists are ok but its well established that 3rd wave of feminism is out to get men.

You are correct we do need to clarify this stuff.

stefanovich · 25-02-2017 06:43PM

I don't get it. This woman wasn't raped. What's wrong with her?

neonsofa · 25-02-2017 06:43PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

No, if you're going to quote something quote it all.
FWB vocally said no.
FWB vocally expressed his concern that it was a terrible idea
FWB may even have said "Lexie stop" I can't remember

Then FWB proceeded in the act of opening his belt (that I was struggling with) laughing at my failed attempts, and helped me get his pants off.
He did not at any stage say "actually, I've changed my mind, let's do this".

He implied consent by showing me how to remove his rape proof belt and assisting me with his pants removal.

I would hold the poor unfortunate in the article to the exact same standards as I'd hold myself to. "Does no mean no?" "Is the other person uncomfortable or Is consent implied?"

If he had said to me when it was time to get those pants off, "seriously lex, don't" I wouldn't have because i would know he wasn't playing hard to get, but that he really didn't want to.

I understand she said no, but she implied consent by kissing him and allowing him to remove each item of clothing without protest.

She had ample opportunity to make her wishes known. Yes, maybe he should have stopped at the first no, but if you fear you're going to be raped - and I say that as having been in that situation fearing the worst - you say no again, and you keep saying no until he listens. You shouldn't have to, but it's your responsibility to do everything in your power to safeguard yourself and your own body. If there is any chance he has just misread this signals then you need to make yourself clear so there's no room for doubt.

If you decide "ugh! The effort of this now, but it'll be done in ten minutes and at least inqont have to tell him I don't like him" you are deciding to engage in sex. When you are raped you do not get a choice, that decision is made for you.

The night I was raped could have gone either way either. When he pushed me back onto the bed - in the exact same scenario as i outlined earlier, after i sat up and said no, he pushed me back onto the bed.
I could have said feck it, it's only sex and went along with it.

We know now that guy is/was a rapist but had I made that choice to kiss him back and go along with it, i would have consented and he wouldn't have raped me.

I didn't though. I said no. I was crying saying no, i was crying asking him to stop. He was on top of me, looking at my face as tears streamed down my face begging him to stop. He responded by telling me to shush that it's okay, it's okay. it wasn't okay, he was left with no confusion whatsoever whether i wanted him or not and he decided to take it.

I could have decided to give in, like Rosemary did, but i didn't. And there is the difference.

I agree with you. But let's for a second look at the situation you've outlined and rather than crying and saying no, the person was paralysed with fear. The person is still "allowing him" but it is not out of choice. Then it is rape. It is only because we know her thought process that she actively allowed him in order to avoid an awkward conversation. The fact she kissed him (not sure when tbh) muddies the water, if she did so during the act then obviously she was willingly participating but we don't know if the man knew if she was "allowing" him or if she was frozen out of fear. And we know now after the fact which one it was but did he at the time? Did he hear no multiple times and still continue without assessing why she stopped saying no. Or did he just not care. This is the bit that confuses me. If she views it as rape, is it because of how he behaved at the time, rather than her thought process during the act, which she was obviously aware of but he was not. Hope that makes sense. I am just baffled by the whole thing really.

py2006 · 25-02-2017 06:48PM

sunshine and showers wrote: »

Since apparently all the feminists are out to get all the men. :rolleyes:

Thankfully not all of them are.

However the looney tunes of them are. And of late they seem to be increasing in numbers and some are allowed to freely write their hate in mainstream media. Unfortunately brainwashing some women.

Penny Tration · 25-02-2017 06:52PM

neonsofa wrote: »

I agree with you. But let's for a second look at the situation you've outlined and rather than crying and saying no, the person was paralysed with fear. The person is still "allowing him" but it is not out of choice. Then it is rape. It is only because we know her thought process that she actively allowed him in order to avoid an awkward conversation. The fact she kissed him (not sure when tbh) muddies the water, if she did so during the act then obviously she was willingly participating but we don't know if the man knew if she was "allowing" him or if she was frozen out of fear. And we know now after the fact which one it was but did he at the time? Did he hear no multiple times and still continue without assessing why she stopped saying no. Or did he just not care. This is the bit that confuses me. If she views it as rape, is it because of how he behaved at the time, rather than her thought process during the act, which she was obviously aware of but he was not. Hope that makes sense. I am just baffled by the whole thing really.

We know she did not just let it happen out of fear. She clearly states on her facebook that she was not in any fear of him.

She consented because she didn't want to reject him.

neonsofa · 25-02-2017 06:54PM

Penny Tration wrote: »

We know she did not just let it happen out of fear. She clearly states on her facebook that she was not in any fear of him.

She consented because she didn't want to reject him.

Hence me saying as much in my post. We all know that now as a result of her post. I am talking about in the moment did HE know it was not out of fear?

25-02-2017 06:57PM

She clearly wasn't raped, even if she feels so badly about herself that that's how she's framing it. She does seem to have been badgered into sex - which she chose instead of an 'awkward' conversation. Very unpleasant, I'm sure - but still a choice. If that choice was made out of fear, it'd be rape, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

From looking at her stuff, I don't think she's a particularly bright or self-aware person and in posting photos of herself crying she's making a rather clumsy and obvious attempt to garner sympathy from those who can see no further than self-loathing or hurt feelings and never consider the other story. It's not brave, it's not clever, what it is is a highly manipulative tactic designed to provoke sympathy and support and to silence any dissent.

However, if someone says no you stop. It's not some kind of seductive dance to continue pressing on if someone says no, whether that's once, twice, three or thirty times. If you're pouring milk in someone's tea and they say stop, then you stop. You do the same in any sexual encounter UNLESS further clarification makes it unambiguously certain that they want to continue. He should have stopped, but so should she when her actions muddied the water.

The guy is a sleazebag for pressing on when she said no, and 100 times more so if he had sex with her while she lay unresponsive, but she's an idiot if she thinks you can say no with your mouth but allow your actions to say yes and get to pretend that you were totally unwilling at the same time. He's not a rapist, he's a creep. She's not a victim, she's an idiot.

suicide_circus · 25-02-2017 06:57PM

neonsofa wrote: »

Hence me saying as much in my post. We all know that now as a result of her post. I am talking about in the moment did HE know it was not out of fear?

You're really reaching now. How do we know that he didn't know she didnt slept with him out of fear? jesus wept.

Penny Tration · 25-02-2017 07:00PM

neonsofa wrote: »

Hence me saying as much in my post. We all know that now as a result of her post. I am talking about in the moment did HE know it was not out of fear?

When I say "oh go on then," to my boyfriend when I'm not in the mood, how does he know I'm not giving in out of fear?

How is any man supposed to read a person's mind? If she didn't want it, she wasn't in fear, and was fully aware she had the option of saying "seriously, no pal, get off."

Suggesting he should have been able to read her mind and understand something she didn't verbalize (whether it's fear or the fact she just didn't fancy him), is seriously grasping at straws.

professore · 25-02-2017 07:01PM

bubblypop wrote: »

Maurice mccabe was never falsely accused of rape

Oh yes he was :

Tusla, the Child and Family Agency, is facing legal action after it emerged it sent a file containing false allegations of child sex abuse against a Garda whistleblower to An Garda Síochána.

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/politics/maurice-mccabe-to-sue-tusla-over-sex-abuse-file-1.2970148

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 25-02-2017 07:05PM

neonsofa wrote: »

I agree with you. But let's for a second look at the situation you've outlined and rather than crying and saying no, the person was paralysed with fear. The person is still "allowing him" but it is not out of choice. Then it is rape. It is only because we know her thought process that she actively allowed him in order to avoid an awkward conversation. The fact she kissed him (not sure when tbh) muddies the water, if she did so during the act then obviously she was willingly participating but we don't know if the man knew if she was "allowing" him or if she was frozen out of fear. And we know now after the fact which one it was but did he at the time? Did he hear no multiple times and still continue without assessing why she stopped saying no. Or did he just not care. This is the bit that confuses me. If she views it as rape, is it because of how he behaved at the time, rather than her thought process during the act, which she was obviously aware of but he was not. Hope that makes sense. I am just baffled by the whole thing really.

If she has frozen in fear, she didn't give him any reason to carry on, she didn't engage him, she's said no she's not interested, or she's tried to remove herself from the situation and he's taken it anyway then yes he's raped her.

If she's kissing him and letting him take her clothes of, and "decided it was easier to have sex" then it's not rape, it's a bad decision. He cannot be expected to read her mind. If she said in her blog "he didn't take no for an answer. Despite my saying no, he forced my clothes off and proceeded to have sex with me" I would fully understand that as rape. When she made the decision to go through with having sex, when she did not give him clear signals to stop them that's not rape unless the man can read minds.

neonsofa · 25-02-2017 07:06PM

Candie wrote: »

She clearly wasn't raped, even if she feels so badly about herself that that's how she's framing it. She does seem to have been badgered into sex - which she chose instead of an 'awkward' conversation. Very unpleasant, I'm sure - but still a choice. If that choice was made out of fear, it'd be rape, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

From looking at her stuff, I don't think she's a particularly bright or self-aware person and in posting photos of herself crying she's making a rather clumsy and obvious attempt to garner sympathy from those who can see no further than self-loathing or hurt feelings and never consider the other story. It's not brave, it's not clever, what it is is a highly manipulative tactic designed to provoke sympathy and support and to silence any dissent.

However, if someone says no you stop. It's not some kind of seductive dance to continue pressing on if someone says no, whether that's once, twice, three or thirty times. If you're pouring milk in someone's tea and they say stop, then you stop. You do the same in any sexual encounter UNLESS further clarification makes it unambiguously certain that they want to continue. He should have stopped, but so should she when her actions muddied the water.

The guy is a sleazebag for pressing on when she said no, and 100 times more so if he had sex with her while she lay unresponsive, but she's an idiot if she thinks you can say no with your mouth but allow your actions to say yes and get to pretend that you were totally unwilling at the same time. He's not a rapist, he's a creep. She's not a victim, she's an idiot.

This is what I was trying to explain. You put it so much better than I could. We know her reasoning and thought process at the time. We know that she made the choice to go along with it. We know from her that she kissed him etc.

If we didn't have that information all we know is that she said no multiple times and he continued to have sex with her. We don't know his thought process-if he cared that she said no, if he tried to coerce her, if he thought she was just being coy and was now willing, if he thought she was afraid of him etc. And I am wondering if maybe she feels he didn't assess the situation and she believes he continued while knowing she didn't really want to have sex- which is the case when someone freezes out of fear and the man continues. And that is why she is incorrectly classing it as rape, as it would have been viewed as such if she hadn't given her thought process on why she didn't stop him- if like I was saying, she had frozen from fear rather than making her own choice to allow it. He absolutely seems like a creep and I think she is confusing the issue.

I am not saying that I agree or saying that he is a rapist. I am just looking at it from a different side to try understand.

cantdecide · 25-02-2017 07:09PM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

You can eyeball the suicide stats all you want but they won't help your argument as the highest increase in rates of suicide and self-harm is among women in the 16 - 25 age bracket.

Feminist perspective in a nutshell. The big number doesn't matter as it doesn't directly affect our group but one aspect of the small number is increasing and we need to be concerned.

neonsofa · 25-02-2017 07:14PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

You're really reaching now. How do we know that he didn't know she didnt slept with him out of fear? jesus wept.

How about you actually read the post. Because I am not "reaching", I am just thinking out loud as to why she would think it is rape when it clearly wasn't. If she felt that he didn't care about her state of mind, or why she stopped saying no- many a woman including myself has said no multiple times before finally stopping because he is not listening and will continue to do as he pleases- if she felt that he believed this was the case then it doesn't matter what her internal thought process was at the time, he heard her say no and continued to have sex with her. I am wondering if this is why she considers it rape, that she was aware of her internal thought process but he was not and he never actually seemed to care why she stopped saying no. I am purely just assessing why she may consider it rape when she knows herself it wasn't. God forbid someone should try to understand.

25-02-2017 07:19PM

neonsofa wrote: »

This is what I was trying to explain. You put it so much better than I could.

I think she feels so badly about her complicity in what she felt was a degrading encounter has her reframing it in a way where she was blameless, innocent victim. That way her self image can remain intact - and now she's seeking validation.

This guy sounds horrible tbf, but she's now put any number of people in her wider circle of the time under suspicion of being that guy. And of course that guy in the story is probably identifiable. What kind of person does that to people?

While I think he's a sleazy creep, and didn't care too much about how into it she was, and should have stopped and clarified the situation when she first said no, none of that makes him a rapist if she kept saying yes with her actions. By her own admission she decided it was easier to have sex than a tricky conversation. Deciding sex is the lesser of two evils is not rape.

If you want to call someone a rapist, do it like an adult through the proper channels or don't do it at all. Do not take to social media and throw the word around like you're the only person in the world who's rights or feelings matter. In other words, be a grown up.

neonsofa · 25-02-2017 07:24PM

Candie wrote: »

I think she feels so badly about her complicity in what she felt was a degrading encounter has her reframing it in a way where she was blameless, innocent victim. That way her self image can remain intact - and now she's seeking validation.

This guy sounds horrible tbf, but she's now put any number of people in her wider circle of the time under suspicion of being that guy. And of course that guy in the story is probably identifiable. What kind of person does that to people?

While I think he's a sleazy creep, and didn't care too much about how into it she was, and should have stopped and clarified the situation when she first said no, none of that makes him a rapist if she kept saying yes with her actions. By her own admission she decided it was easier to have sex than a tricky conversation. Deciding sex is the lesser of two evils is not rape.

If you want to call someone a rapist, do it like an adult through the proper channels or don't do it at all. Do not take to social media and throw the word around like you're the only person in the world who's rights or feelings matter. In other words, be a grown up.

Exactly 100% agree.

One eyed Jack · 25-02-2017 07:26PM

cantdecide wrote: »

Feminist perspective in a nutshell. The big number doesn't matter as it doesn't directly affect our group but one aspect of the small number is increasing and we need to be concerned.

Objective perspective.

Other than that, I give up, as it's clearly not going in.

Dr Crayfish · 25-02-2017 07:41PM

Why do people in this thread keep saying triggered? Is this a new thing? I can't find an explanation of its meaning on the internet. How am I supposed to keep up with this internet speak?

LightlyGo · 25-02-2017 07:43PM

I think Rosemary's story raised an important issue that I hope doesn't get lost here. I think she's brought to the fore the fact that consent and understanding the nature of it is just as pivotal for women as it is for men.

Rosemary's story was not an unusual one (although the conclusion she drew from it was). This thread bares out the fact that women and men are having sex when they don't want to with people they don't want to and are giving consent for it. I think Rosemary felt a very typical female thing, that nice girls don't act only with their own needs in mind, nice girls consider other people's feelings, nice girls don't sleep with you this week, let you tell them you really like them and tell you to get lost next week. Equally men can feel a tyranny to sleep with someone offering because all men are supposedly mad for it so they should be too.

We really need to start looking at consent as a very personal issue and one for all of us, not one for those afraid of being accused of rape.
I think Rosemary felt the upset and discomfort of having sex she didn't want and processed that discomfort as a violation carried out on her when in fact it was she who let herself down by not asserting her feelings. Unfortunately the orthodoxy that she ascribes to allowed her a framework to do this. However had she had a clearer head that night the issue would never have arisen at all.

One nice thing about this thread is that it didn't become a men v's women thing. Men defended her perspective, recognised the importance of listening to "no" and women, even rape victims, defended the man involved and supported the idea that "no" has to be more than a word, that it can't be delivered with contradictory behavior. Sometimes in these threads it feels like the male and female perspective are at loggerheads. So nice to see a thread that reflects what most of our relationships in real life bear out, that's there much more unites us than divides us on these issues.

hatrickpatrick · 25-02-2017 07:44PM

Candie wrote: »

I think she feels so badly about her complicity in what she felt was a degrading encounter has her reframing it in a way where she was blameless, innocent victim. That way her self image can remain intact - and now she's seeking validation.

This guy sounds horrible tbf, but she's now put any number of people in her wider circle of the time under suspicion of being that guy. And of course that guy in the story is probably identifiable. What kind of person does that to people?

While I think he's a sleazy creep, and didn't care too much about how into it she was, and should have stopped and clarified the situation when she first said no, none of that makes him a rapist if she kept saying yes with her actions. By her own admission she decided it was easier to have sex than a tricky conversation. Deciding sex is the lesser of two evils is not rape.

If you want to call someone a rapist, do it like an adult through the proper channels or don't do it at all. Do not take to social media and throw the word around like you're the only person in the world who's rights or feelings matter. In other words, be a grown up.

Wow, this must be the first time you and I have swapped roles in a feminism :eek:

Seriously, you honestly don't see what happened as rape? This whole "saying yes with your actions" thing is very dodgy in my mind. Is a guy automatically consenting to sex just because he has a raging boner, even if he is clearly saying the word "no" at every stage? Does that mean that for instance, I wouldn't have the moral right to refuse sex even if I found someone physically attractive but didn't want to cheat on a partner (in which case I'd probably have a boner and be physically aroused but would be using words to communicate that I didn't want to do it?) - I wouldn't be able to call it rape because my body was "saying yes", even if I was clearly saying "no, I don't want to do this"?

There's very little that's clear cut about sex, but verbal communication in my view is the ultimate trump card. If you say no (or use a safe-word instead where that is relevant and has been clearly agreed upon beforehand), then for somebody to continue touching you is molestation.

Leaving the word "rape" aside for one moment - we'll get back to that - are we at least agreed up to this point, that for him to continue undressing her and groping her after she has asked him to stop is sexual assault?

I honestly don't see how there's any confusion here - the word "no" (or an equivalent safe word) overrides any other form of communication when it comes to sexual consent.

westernlass · 25-02-2017 07:48PM

Rosemary Mac Cabe seems to think having a blog is free reign for shaming those she doesn't like the actions of. She did indeed write an article about the gossies which mostly was fair about the style of awards they are. She did not have to embarrass the person who wasn't invited to another award ceremony who could be easily identified in blogger circles.

http://rosemarymaccabe.com/the-gossies-2017-not-going/

She likes creating gossip and controversy and yes there is a degree of clickbait. Her Alexa score on her website shows it has increase nearly 2m rankings worldwide so it's having the desired effect.

This really saddens me as this issue of rape is so sensitive to so many people. I have been through an experience of my drink being spiked where there was a clear intention of rape and no consent given. I had not been drinking. I have also had sex with numerous men just because I felt like it. This connection does not add up to one causing the other.

I have been in situations where I've changed my mind. Where I've started to realized I didn't want this anymore despite me having initialized the sex at times. I've never let embarrassment or awkwardness stop me from saving no. I've used excuses and got out of the situation if I was nervous about a reaction. I've never had a problem in situations of my choosing. In fact men have stopped, slowed down and we have been fine afterwards. I will add following my drink spiking I worked a huge amount in counselling and on personal development and assertiveness to make sure I never felt that vulnerable again. So I have no problem saying very clearly what I want /don't want.

I know that the argument will be well wasn't I lucky but I wasn't. I've taken personal responsibility for my situation rather than assigning pointless blame. To seperate the issue of my drink spiking, I do not blame myself. I did recognize the damage it had on me and made a decision not to let it destroy future sexual relationships.

She could have said, I need the toilet and locked herself in there until he left. Or any other reason to defuse the situation. He didn't physically or mentally force her. I've found this thread refreshing as I've seen women who also believe that men are not the culprits of all evil. I don't believe at that age she had the emotional maturity to be having sex if she wasn't mentally strong enough to say no if she wanted to.

The biggest reality I'm seeing is the fact women have the power to defend more than men have the power to defend men about this topic. If men say anything there's an assumption they are racists or agree with rape when in fact dialogue is so important. I really think we need assertiveness discussions in schools and I think a discussion about the emotional impact of the decision to have sex not just the first time but every time is essential.

"Why I did not report my rapist"

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