How to keep my feet on the ground after three dates?

LegacyUser · 16-02-2017 09:04AM #1

Hi so I guess this isn't so much of a problem but am looking for advice. I'm 29 but I feel like a love struck teenager with the way I am feeling about this guy. So we met years ago and had one date but he was going travelling and things got complicated so we lost touch. Three weeks ago I went on tinder out of boredom and he pops up. We arranged a date within 5 minutes and have had three dates so far, cinema and dinner and a walk.
I would consider myself quite grounded when it comes to these kind of things as I've thought things were going well with someone before only to have the rug pulled from under me. With this guy I can honestly say I've never felt this comfortable and giddy around someone. Our dates have been excellent, we are constantly laughing and joking and it feels like we can't keep our hands off each other. Everything is so good it has completely hit me by surprise and I am literally beaming when I come home from our dates.
He is a bit of a messer and I'm trying to figure out if he is a messer in a good or bad way so I feel like I am holding back a bit. Neither of us have said we like each other or anything yet but I think it's obvious from the way we are. I guess I'm just afraid that the way I'm feeling might come across to him and he might run a mile. I'm almost afraid that the next date will be in one of our houses and we will end up sleeping together because I don't think I could stop myself if things went down that road. The other side of me wants to hold off on that until I have some idea of where he sees this going.
Basically I'm asking how to keep my feet on the ground and hold back a bit from falling for him so soon. Do I try be less flirty and touchy with him or what? I've never felt like I had to do this before but I feel I need to hold back until I know where he stands on this. It's only been three dates but I feel like I've known him longer as I am so comfortable around him.
Hopefully this doesn't sound like a big ramble, I just found it hard to put what I'm feeling on paper as I'm finding it hard to make sense of it in my head.

Bambi985 · 16-02-2017 09:53PM

My gut answer - honestly, we spend enough of our lives with our feet firmly planted to the ground, why try to stop yourself from walking on air when it rarely comes around? it's bloody wonderful to feel the way you do.

my sensible-hat answer - tinder is full of messers, time-wasters and dating addicts, it's full of highs and lows and a bit of emotional robustness is necessary to navigate it and not have your confidence dented.

so maybe some from column A and some from column B is the right answer. go on your dates and have fun! Laugh, flirt, kiss if you want but try not to project too much. three dates is nowhere near long enough to really know someone and what kind of character they have. It's nowhere near long enough to determine any sort of longterm potential.

the dates will either proceed, or they won't. Try to live in the moment when you are together, and don't live in your own head when you are not. keep yourself busy and happy and socially engaged. the big picture will emerge in the next few months - he'll either continue to plan with you and you'll be in no doubt whatsoever that he's a keeper, or he will fade into oblivion. the trick is to not get too invested either way.

LegacyUser · 17-02-2017 09:27AM

Thanks for the reply. I was talking to a friend last night and she remembered me telling her I had never laughed as much on a date when I met him over two years ago initially. We met in a pub that time and while we were both probably tipsy enough we just got on really well.

I guess I am just trying to keep my feet on the ground here and not get carried away with things. All I know so far is that we have such a laugh together, I feel comfortable around him, I fancy him and we have lots in common. I don't know what kind of person he would be in a relationship if this was to progress further. I don't know if he is dating other people and I am thinking of bringing that up in the next date or two if he hasn't already. Would this be too soon to ask him if he is seeing other people? I am in no way ready to talk about being in a relationship yet but at the same if he is still dating other people after 4 or 5 dates, to me it doesn't show a lot of interest in letting things develop between us.
I've been out of dating for about 18 months as I just didn't meet anyone that captured my interest enough and now that I have, I kind of feel out of touch about it all and probably second guessing myself a bit as I have to try balance fancying him and feeling an intense attraction towards him with trying to realise that I don't really know him all that well and I don't have much of a basis for having feelings for him just yet.

BoredFan · 17-02-2017 05:44PM

I think you have to draw on your past experiences in order to decide if you should 'hold back' or not. So its down to you at some point you have to make a choice go or stop. However you run the risk of trying to over think. I don't think you are currently over thinking at this stage however. I would agree with what bambi above said.

Skibunny77 · 17-02-2017 06:55PM

My advice - hold back. Enjoy each date for what it is at the moment and don't look too far ahead. Plenty of time for that, you have had just three dates, probably less than 20 hours in each others company, so keep perspective and avoid any 'what do we mean to each other' conversations just yet. Personally I think sex is such a big part of a relationship that I couldn't make a commitment to anyone until I knew what our sexual chemistry was like. You are just getting to know this guy. Don't put him on a pedestal, keep your mind and life busy with other things and enjoy seeing where this goes, rather than trying to define it straight away.

Bambi985 · 17-02-2017 09:31PM

Sex and goals and five year plans and finances... all important and all a complete mystery at the moment.

Enjoy being smitten, but do so without any expectations if you can. It's only a small part of the equation when it comes to a relationship

redfox123 · 17-02-2017 10:01PM

Tinder is full of gob****es, those just looking for a ride, charmers, time wasters etc. You need to think to yourself just because I feel a certain way and the rose tinted glasses are on does not mean he feels in any way similar, he surely enjoys your company etc, but in reality the chances that he is feeling 'love sick' and the kind of infatuation you are feeling after 3 dates are pretty small. Yes it's possible, but you know what I mean. I'm not saying this to be mean I'm sure he likes you but try to be a bit more realistic, enjoy your dates to the full and see where things go but think as well that he may not turn out to be as interested and you need to be totally ok with this. If you're ok with it not going anywhere then you're free to enjoy your dates and not cling to any ideas of a relationship and putting all your hopes and dreams on this one thing. It's too much pressure and may result in you overthinking, looking for things to go wrong because you don't believe you're good enough for someone that makes you feel like this, or even sabotaging it by being clingy/needy and pushing him away.

charlietheminxx · 18-02-2017 08:07AM

OP I've only felt like this once and it was when I met my current boyfriend. I remember saying to my best friend at the time that I was going to not hold back and just go with it because the way he made me feel was worth the risk of getting hurt. I'm naturally quite a cautious person when it comes to relationships but some people are worth the risk. Feeling the way you do is rare and life is too short to not embrace that.

If he's a messer you'll find out one way or the other but if he's genuine and feels like you're holding back, that might not work out well either.

Honestly I would just forget about keeping your feet on the ground. Being swept off your feet is too rare a thing to let pass you by.

tara73 · 18-02-2017 11:13AM

what's a bit of a red flag to me you mentioning 'he's a bit of a messer', but you didn't elaborate in which way.
Relationshipwise or is he just a forgetful person, untidy or anything like that? It would make a difference if he's a messer in relationships and would explain why you're posting here and having such doubts.

woodchuck · 18-02-2017 11:19AM

Just trying to keep in the frame of mind of "cautiously optimistic". Go with the flow and enjoy yourself. I don't think you need to change your behaviour or anything like that. Just trust your gut and be aware of any red flags.

LegacyUser · 18-02-2017 04:11PM

tara73 wrote: »

what's a bit of a red flag to me you mentioning 'he's a bit of a messer', but you didn't elaborate in which way.
Relationshipwise or is he just a forgetful person, untidy or anything like that? It would make a difference if he's a messer in relationships and would explain why you're posting here and having such doubts.

He is a messer in the sense that he is always laughing and joking and is very confident and flirty. I find that attractive in a guy but the type of guys who are the charmer type are often the guys who mess you around and hurt you. He has given no indication yet that he's like that and he has been very upfront about arranging dates and has planned different options of things to do. I guess the fact that I would consider him as a charmer has me holding back a bit and trying to keep my feet on the ground as I don't know his intentions towards me/us and it's way too soon to have that conversation now.

LegacyUser · 18-02-2017 06:50PM

tara73 wrote: »

what's a bit of a red flag to me you mentioning 'he's a bit of a messer', but you didn't elaborate in which way.
Relationshipwise or is he just a forgetful person, untidy or anything like that? It would make a difference if he's a messer in relationships and would explain why you're posting here and having such doubts.

I guess what I mean that he's a messer is that he is always laughing, joking and is quite flirty with me. He was so confident in asking to meet up aswell. On our first date he tried to kiss me twice before I went for it and the first two times he made the move and I didn't go for it, he didn't get awkward in any way and he still tried a third time which I reciprocated.
I think he is quite the charmer, now he's not coming on too strong with cheesy lines or anything but I just get the impression that he is able to talk the talk if that makes sense.

He has given me no reason to doubt him at this stage. He texts almost every day and he initiates most of the contact. He has put thought into planning our dates, sending me lists of places we could go and places to eat etc. I'm just not sure if he is a messer in a good way or a bad way. I am attracted to confident guys who are happy and not afraid to have a laugh and a joke but it's been my experience that these are the type of guys that can tend to mess girls around. I am conscious of that fact while also trying to be conscious that I don't really know him that well but I've never felt this giddy and smitten with a guy so soon.

njs030 · 18-02-2017 07:35PM

goldoso wrote: »

I guess what I mean that he's a messer is that he is always laughing, joking and is quite flirty with me. He was so confident in asking to meet up aswell. On our first date he tried to kiss me twice before I went for it and the first two times he made the move and I didn't go for it, he didn't get awkward in any way and he still tried a third time which I reciprocated.
I think he is quite the charmer, now he's not coming on too strong with cheesy lines or anything but I just get the impression that he is able to talk the talk if that makes sense.

He has given me no reason to doubt him at this stage. He texts almost every day and he initiates most of the contact. He has put thought into planning our dates, sending me lists of places we could go and places to eat etc. I'm just not sure if he is a messer in a good way or a bad way. I am attracted to confident guys who are happy and not afraid to have a laugh and a joke but it's been my experience that these are the type of guys that can tend to mess girls around. I am conscious of that fact while also trying to be conscious that I don't really know him that well but I've never felt this giddy and smitten with a guy so soon.

I think you need to remember that it is only 3 dates and while you may be smitten you don't know how he feels, it's very early to be as invested as you seem to be.
It's not messing anyone around unless you've discussed not seeing other people....dont assume he's on the same page as you but do step back a little op. Online dating has a lot of messers and charmers and a few dates really doesn't mean much.
I'm not trying to burst your bubble but if he is the wonderful man you think he is (and I hope he is) then there's plenty of time for you to get to know him.

BoredFan · 18-02-2017 11:00PM

It's nice that he plans dates and restaurants and where to go. Why not suggest something yourself and see how he reacts to you planning something. He may 'talk the talk' but if it were me and I had concerns I'd see how he reacts to me suggesting other things, for example a different restaurant, one that you actually want to go to. That will give you an idea of if he thinks about what you want.

Beware of a person who starts planning expensive holidays, (the holiday never materialises), or moving intogether or things like weddings too soon. It is only 3 dates. There is a technique that undesirable manipulators use which is called 'future faking' . I' m not trying to burst your bubble either, but trust your gut instincts, some people are very good at making people smitten with them very soon. In fact they do it so often that you will notice them getting impatient if you slow down or back off. you are still in a good position as your are posing yourself the question. Remember to enjoy the dates at the same time though.

LegacyUser · 19-02-2017 09:44AM

We met up again last night and things went really well. There has still been no declarations of liking each other etc but I think it's pretty obvious. I guess I'd just like to know what his intentions are and if he is seeing other people.
On the planning of dates he has planned two and I've planned two, that wasn't pre-meditated or anything just the way it happened. When he had to plan I was impressed with how he took time to look into where to eat etc and where I was to meet him as it was a town neither of us are familiar with.
I guess I don't like the idea of my feelings being so "floaty" if that's even a word so soon after meeting him. I have to tell myself that I don't know a lot about him and we haven't had many deep serious conversations yet so I'm just going on the attraction we seem to have and how we are always laughing and joking. This early stages of seeing someone are really hard with the uncertainty of not knowing how they view you/the relationship etc. I'd probably be a lot more relaxed if we were still seeing each other a month down the line as we would probably have clarified where we stand at that stage and I'd have a better idea of how he sees me.

dellas1979 · 19-02-2017 04:12PM

Hi OP,

Well, let me impart some of wisdom on you/stuff Ive learned.

I met a guy 2 years ago. And I really though all my christmases had come at once. For the first 2 months, we had the bants, the laughs, the "amazing connection".

And I really ran away with myself. Turned out after 4/5 months (as the honeymoon period wore off), he really did change.

What did I learn from this? For the first few months, you really dont know who you are seeing or what any intentions are. Both parties are putting their best version of themselves out there.

So while you are really taken with this guy, thats fantastic. But, dont allow the idea of who you think he is at the moment to fuel things you really dont know about the future.

Kepp it in perspective/reality until you know where this is potentially going (a relationship).

Bandana boy · 22-02-2017 01:51PM

For me this is the often the most enjoyable part of the relationship , allow yourself to get carried away and enjoy it . plenty of time to worry about the future in the future

How to keep my feet on the ground after three dates?

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