Religious issues with family vs boyfriend [Mod warning post 1]

Anonymous answers · 30-12-2016 01:10AM #1

Taltos wrote: »

Mod Note
Can we please stay on topic
The OP is not looking for advice on how to deal with how Muslims may view her but instead needs advice on how to address this relationship with her family, non-Muslim.

Attempts to hijack this into Muslim bashing will not end well.

All the members of my family are extremely strict, conservative Baptist Christians. They judge and hate anyone that is different; for example, they hate gay people, people with tattoos, single mothers, and most of all, Muslims.
My grandmother recently found out that I was dating a Muslim man and even after trying to explain the similarities and differences, she still claims that he's going to hell and I'm disgracing God and my family. My family has absolutely no interest in hearing anything about other religions or cultures. They like hating and want to continue to do so. And they're not above harrassing and manipulating me into doing what they want, even using the death of my mother against me (saying my mom would be disappointed in me and I'm not honoring her)
My grandmother literally threw away a flashlight because it said made in Pakistan and was "made by them awful Muslims." My whole family is like this. They absolutely despise Muslims and are not shy to admit it.
Their behavior disgusts me on so many levels. I love my family and I really want to keep being close with them, but I don't know how to deal with this. Other than this one aspect, my family and I get along very well and we've always been really close and I don't want to lose that.
Also, the rest of my family doesn't know about our relationship. I would like to tell them, but I have no clue how. To my family, me saying I'm dating a Muslim man is the equivalent to me saying I'm dating a convicted axe murdered.
If anyone has any Advice how to deal with this or how to tell the rest of my family, it would be greatly appreciated.

tomwaterford · 30-12-2016 04:49AM

If hes sound introduce him to them??

Theyll hardly be that rude to him
...its hardly up to them who you date??

topmanamillion · 30-12-2016 05:30AM

tomwaterford wrote: »

If hes sound introduce him to them??

Theyll hardly be that rude to him
...its hardly up to them who you date??

I don't think you read the OP.

At best OP you might "soften" one or two of them to your way of thinking but its unlikely you`ll manage this with all of them.
You`re outlook on life simply isn't compatible with theirs.
Try your best to maintain a good relationship with them but you may just have to accept that interracial/faith relationships will always be an area of conflict and something to avoid as a topic of conversation with your family.
Not trying to be mystic meg here, but I`d be very surprised,based on what you`ve said, if an "us or him" ultimatum isn't coming down the line.

silverharp · 30-12-2016 09:46AM

Are you religious yourself op? is he religious? what would happen if it got serious, would you be expected to convert?

uck51js9zml2yt · 30-12-2016 09:55AM

Apart from the issue of you converting to Islam which though it might not be an issue now , most definitely will be after marriage.
How about kids, will they have to be raised Muslim.
I've not seen any case where one or both the above have become issues.
How about his family? He is in a relationship with an "infidel" like it or not, that's what you are to Muslims.

Taltos · 30-12-2016 10:02AM

Mod Note
Can we please stay on topic
The OP is not looking for advice on how to deal with how Muslims may view her but instead needs advice on how to address this relationship with her family, non-Muslim.

Attempts to hijack this into Muslim bashing will not end well.

BreadnBuddha · 30-12-2016 10:18AM

OP, you say your family are faithful, conservative baptists? If this is true, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will lead to them accepting your muslim boyfriend.

That's the clear message you NEED to pick up. Everything else is just noise.

It really is that simple; If they are committed members of the baptist church, your partnership with a muslim is grossly objectionable to them and you are wasting your time trying to force their acceptance.

idnkph · 30-12-2016 10:30AM

Your family seem to be toxic because of their beliefs. Using your dead mother to manipulate and make you feel bad is disgusting. If they can't accept who you date then tough sh1t for them.
They care more about their religion than you being happy.
In life you choose your friends not your family.
You seem to have accepted the abnormal behavior for acceptable behavior which is sad.
Your grand mother is pure poison and a disgusting racist and should be given very little time from your life.
I really do feel sorry for you. Hope you can open your eyes to what is your reality.

Augme · 30-12-2016 10:34AM

I've no idea why people are picking apart the Muslim angle. That's absolutely miles down the list of things you need to address in your life. I think even your current boyfriend situation is not the issue.

The biggest problem is that your family are absolute poison and they will continue to cause you problems in future relationships, no matter what the religion of your boyfriend is.

I love my family and I really want to keep being close with them, but I don't know how to deal with this. Other than this one aspect, my family and I get along very well and we've always been really close and I don't want to lose that.

This kinda reads like "Well apart from wanting to gas everyone he didn't like Hitler was a great person." Apart from hating everyone who is different and using harassment and manipulation to change your behaviour, you love your family and don't want to lose them? Sounds bizarre to me.

Take out the religion aspect of this, have you thought about how your boyfriend will look at your family? Have you told him what they are like? Do you think it's fair on him introducing him to your family and forcing him to put up with their horrible attitudes?

If I was your boyfriend your family would be a deal-breaker issue for me. There is no way I would ever want to spend time with them, I'd never want to see them or have any interaction with them because they are horrible scum and that's just not the sort of people I would ever want to associate with.

As for your current issue, they'll never accept your boyfriend. So either get cut out your family or find a boyfriend who has similar beliefs to your family because I can see you having to deal with a lot of headaches down the line when it comes to your love life.

amtc · 30-12-2016 10:43AM

It can sometimes work out. My uncle would be very conservative. My cousin went to America to work in summer camps and met a guy. Over a number of summers she met this guy again. Eventually he decided to visit her here. He has a very standard name so my uncle was bowled over when a large black rastafarian appeared out. My cousin had never thought to mention this! My uncle went demented and said he would never sit opposite him at a table.

Ten years later they are married and have lovely kids and my uncle is fine.

Funnily though he is Baptist and his family have an issue with her being white and Irish.

suicide_circus · 30-12-2016 11:38AM

I'm afraid to say your family sound like lunatics and not the type who will change their minds. You have a choice, stick with your hate filled family and their downright stupid beliefs or strike out on your own. Both options are lonely I'm afraid.

Rachiee · 30-12-2016 01:25PM

It doesnt sound like your family are ever going to change. If I was you I'd tell them the truth if it comes up but be clear that you love him and the matter is not open for discussion. Continue your life and relationship as normal if they keep trying to push the issue reduce contact. You'll have to be really strong on this. Be clear you love them and want to see them but if they are disrespectful to your partner it is hard for you to do so. Continue to visit and spend time with them as normal but refuse to engage in any discussion about the suitability of your boyfriend.

I definitely would not be introducing your boyfriend to your grandmother but other members of the family contact is a good way of overcoming bigotry. You'll have to make this safe for your boyfriend though, discuss it, let him take the lead if he wants nothing to do with them thats fair enough too.

If things do get very serious between you two (please don't rule out a future together to avoid a possible headache) all you can do is extend the invitation and place clear boundaries that abuse will not be tolerated.

LegacyUser · 30-12-2016 01:42PM

You know you can't deal with this, OP.
It's going to come down to choosing between your family& your boyfriend- that's practically inevitable.
Not excusing their behaviour, but knowing how they detest Muslims most of all, it's a bit odd that the ONE person you choose to date, out of the hundreds & thousands if guys out there, unwittingly represents everything they stand against? So I would ask- are you dating him for him, or dating him for what he represents? Is this love, or are you consciously/unconsciously rebelling? Don't use this guy as a way to "make a stand", it's not fair.

GritBiscuit · 30-12-2016 01:51PM

From what you've said in your post, there doesn't seem to be any particular avenue of discussion or language that is going to magically change who your family fundamentally chooses to be. That said, stranger things have happened at sea - there are many people in many relationships that expected their families to disown them and that has not happened....

Be honest and open, answer any questions they may have as an awful lot of hateful behaviour is based in ignorance and hope for the best - but most of all lower your expectations...this may very well come down to you choosing; not necessarily this man V your family - but your right to choose your partner, whether your widely differing views on race/religion and tolerance are compatible long-term anyway, etc.

All the best OP

December2012 · 30-12-2016 02:35PM

I think the only way you can deal with this, is to accept that you cannot and will not change the opinion of your father and grandmother. Everybody else will probably go along with them if they are such a domineering force in the family.

So you have to decide what you can tolerate.

E.g. No racist / bigoted talk in front of you, no running down your boyfriend, no restrictions on your options, no guilt talk.

Then you need to see how to compartmentalise your life; how will your relationship progress naturally, will you be accepted by his family?

Best of luck OP,

Irish_Elect_Eng · 30-12-2016 07:05PM

At the heart of this, the issue is how your relationship with your family works.
It has little or nothing to do with your boy-friend.

The gap to be overcome here is the difference between your attitudes and your families attitudes, not be tween theirs and your boy-friend.

This will be an on-going but manageable challenge, a clean break between you as a couple and your family, or a lifetime of miserable uncomfortable compromised and arguments.

Best of luck, You will need it.

Aseth · 30-12-2016 07:23PM

OP - you didn't mention how serious the relationship is?
If you two just started dating recently you do not know where it's going and if you are planning to get engaged/married soon? I wouldn't mention your bf's religion to your family if you don't know where the two of you stand yet. However if you are already serious about it you might need to decide if you're going to stick to it - get married and be happy no matter what. And hope that your family will change their mind once they see you happily settled and even more so if the two of you decide to have kids.

Mr Arrior · 30-12-2016 09:14PM

That's the same as ideology of 'the most hated family in America', the Westboro Baptist Church and they are nutjobs. Im Catholic and I take my faith very seriously but IMO those people don't represent Christianity as they love spreading their hate.
Its a tough one OP, tbh if they are set in their ways then they prob won't change but you can always try. Its not just Muslims I bet, I'd say they would be unaccepting of you dating anyone that's not Baptist IMO.

frostyjacks · 31-12-2016 12:25AM

Talk to them about what their concerns are. I think for many western parents, they don't like the idea of their daughter being subservient in a marriage, or their grandchildren growing up in a radically different faith.

See what issues they have and if they can be reassured.

leggo · 31-12-2016 12:34AM

Okay well first and foremost you need to create a boundary where they don't feel like they can comment on your life choices and must respect them or keep their opinions to themselves. It needs to be a red line that they know they can't breach, and creating that boundary may cause some upset in the short-term if it goes against the status quo. We tend to have set roles within our family we default towards when we're around them, regardless of what else is going on in our lives, and it can take some time to change them and get everyone on board with that change.

Your family are supposed to love and support your decisions (as long as they don't hurt anyone else) and sadly it falls to you to hammer this point home for yourself if you don't plan on falling in line. And yes, there may be some rifts caused by that, but that's the situation they've put you in so it is what it is and you should carry on your life freely and guilt-free.

Secondly, I wouldn't be as bleak as many others here. Tons of Irish families from this generation have had to shake up and modernise their world views because of how quickly the world has progressed. People who would've found it unthinkable 20 years ago to accept their loved one being gay, for example, or in your case dating someone of a different ethnicity, have just had to deal with it or face losing their loved one. And more often than not they'll begrudgingly accept the new norm, before opening their minds and eventually becoming supportive of it. Sadly this situation us fallen to you to be the one to blaze the trail in your family, but don't lose hope, this could be one blip in the road that, while uncomfortable for a time, may just be a memory one day.

Ultimately you know you're doing nothing wrong, thankfully, so hold your ground and live your life.

Religious issues with family vs boyfriend [Mod warning post 1]

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