need to get out but can't find strength

Ursus Horribilis · 28-12-2016 02:21PM

I remember a thread here a few years ago where a woman had a horrible live-in partner who wasn't treating her very well either. On the strength of the thread here, she broke up with him and tried to make him leave. Almost the first words out of his mouth were ones about how he was legally entitled to stay. I think he might've called the guards and claimed he was being evicted.

Lux23 · 28-12-2016 02:36PM

Well the Guards wouldn't entertain something like that.

OP, he is out of the house now. Have you got anyone who might be able to help you get his stuff packed and change the locks? Perhaps they could stay with you until your ex comes and gets his stuff?

Ursus Horribilis · 28-12-2016 03:17PM

Lux23 wrote: »

Well the Guards wouldn't entertain something like that.

OP, he is out of the house now. Have you got anyone who might be able to help you get his stuff packed and change the locks? Perhaps they could stay with you until your ex comes and gets his stuff?

Very true. The point I was making was that this guy, who was supposedly in a relationship with his girlfriend, was very quick to play the eviction card. It showed what was really on his mind.

I wouldn't be surprised if the OP's boyfriend knows exactly what the co-habitation laws are. All he has to do is sit tight, prey on her weakness and enjoy the benefits of something that he's not entitled to. If the OP is willing to lose her apartment after being warned, that's something she'll have to live with the consequences of :mad:

Lux23 · 28-12-2016 05:21PM

All he has to do? With the support the OP should be able to get rid of this guy, all she needs to do is make the decision and put a plan into action. He would hardly be able to hang on for two years and no he has no legal claims.

Ursus Horribilis · 28-12-2016 05:27PM

He can and will if she allows him to. That is why I feel she should be warned in the strongest terms about what in store for her. It might give her the push she needs. I agree though. Now is the time to get rid of him. It's not going to get any easier if she delays it.

rainbowtrout · 29-12-2016 01:04AM

OP, now is the time to get rid, when he doesn't have the opportunity to beat you down with his words.

Pack up all of his stuff. See if there is a family member or friend who would be willing to store it for you for a few days. When you have all that done, and have your locks changed - this can be done tomorrow, send him a text along the following lines:

"Dear John, I no longer wish to continue our relationship, your belongings are available for collection from X at Y address. You can ring the following number (with your friends/family members agreement of course) to arrange a suitable collection time. OP. "

Normally I wouldn't agree with ending a relationship by text, but I think in this case, not doing it face to face, or even speaking to him on the phone is the best course of action.

Keep it short and sweet. Do not go into reasons for the split. It will only fuel the fire, and give him ammunition, to have another row with you or an excuse to make an apology and worm his way back in. Do not reply to any text he sends in return.

LegacyUser · 29-12-2016 04:03PM

I know you are all right in my mind but it's not as easy to actually go through with it, the hope of change lingers and that's what has to be completed eliminated. I won't go into the sides I saw in him that made me stay but I'm sure all of you will eye roll cause it's such a cliche of these situations. Yea he's the devil but ..he makes a great cup of tea etc etc. basically something lame and disproportionate compared to the reality of how horrible the negatives are.I'm completed drained with his temper tantrums (that he blames all on me) and people don't get it but if you've been in this so long you look forward to the calm and not fighting and that's what keeps you in, the delight you get when he's not in a rage and is good to you..which is very rare now and I know most won't understand but it's actually the truth if anything it almost resembles Stolkholm Syndrome..a few more blow ups over the last few days over the phone and then I'm left so rattled and shaken I just don't know what to do, to get the strength to do what you are saying to do seems almost too far from what I'm capable of right now. I know I'm quite a sensitive introvert type so those kind of abusive flare ups actually wear me down, scare me and leave me more anxious than it would most people. He is coming back today. I am not staying on in the apartment anyway next year for other reasons so worry he will have any claim to it are not on my mind. But kicking him out too would undoubtably be the most stressful thing imaginable right now. Knowing him he will look for a fight and use that to leave and say I caused it if he senses I've had enough and will end it for good, in fact I know that's what he's doing now. He would want to get I there first rather than be dumped.

It's like I need anger to do it but I'm not an angry person I feel in pain and hurt all the time and it will take a while to not feel like that in order to do the necessary to get him out my life if that makes sense. I am slowly getting together a plan though, logically thinking I couldn't possibly go on and have a future with him I know that.
I'm calling women's aid today. Thanks for all the replies.

twill · 29-12-2016 08:19PM

I wish you all the best, and please don't be ashamed to bring some of your friends and family into your confidence, even if you haven't felt able to up to now. You need the emotional support.

Emme · 29-12-2016 10:42PM

It's great you are contacting Women's Aid. Here is a fb page you might find useful:
https://www.facebook.com/Knowing-the-NarcassistSociopath-1065599320220225/?fref=ts

And you absolutely MUST read this link. I thought of you today when I saw it

http://themindsjournal.com/narcissists-one-trick/

Fakediamond · 29-12-2016 11:27PM

Hi OP, please be careful during this time. If he senses that you are withdrawing, for good this time, he could get nasty. Anyway, Woman's Aid will give you invaluable advice and support in how to safely proceed.

The very best of luck to you now and in the future.

Brilliant link there re narcissists and well worth a read.

N. B. Be extra careful about your postings here and elsewhere to be sure your history can't be tracked.

angeleyes · 30-12-2016 02:08AM

op_here000 wrote: »

.I'm completed drained with his temper tantrums (that he blames all on me).

Therein lies the problem..when a person blames another for their personality defect ....its a battle and a war lost.

O.P you come across as an extremely kind loving and warm lady. But your BF/Partner comes across as an arsehole. You owe him nothing and he is just taking the piss. Kick him out...2017 is almost upon us... give yourself the gift of freedom, peace of mind and love. There is a man who will love you unconditionally and if there is something wrong in the relationship will work WITH you to fix it and not blame you for HIS mistakes.

O.P. you deserve so much more and you will find that special someone. But do yourself a favour and kick this dumbass out. He doesn't deserve you.

LynnGrace · 30-12-2016 11:00AM

Nothing much to add, OP, a lot of very good advice already given.

Please don't think that you don't have the strength. That is how abusers / bullies work. Wearing you down so that you doubt everything about yourself.
It's a horrible situation. I hope that you have someone in real life that you can turn to, and confide in. Your family and friends might realise / see a lot more than you think. The people who love you will be glad for you that you got rid of him. They will not, for a minute, think any less of you.

Take care of yourself, and I wish you all the best.

Estrellita · 31-12-2016 03:54PM

Every day you don't change those locks is another day you stop yourself meeting a man who loves and respects you that you could have a real future with. You are in your mid-thirties, waste no more of life on him.

I changed the locks, it felt amazingly liberating. I'm now in a LTR with an absolute gem of a man, and we are expecting a child together. I'm about the same age as you.

The man in your apartment is not 'as good as it gets', it's what he wants you to believe. Nobody else will love you, want you etc.. I heard it all. That's the evil manipulator at work. Get him out!!

You can do this.

need to get out but can't find strength

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