Mother in law's dog for Christmas

di11on · 19-12-2016 11:37AM #1

Hey folks.

I hate dogs. I just do. I wish I didn't. I didn't grow up sharing a house with animals so I'm just not used to it. My wife knows this.

Ok - so now I'm married and living abroad. It's Christmas. I love Christmas - always have. It's a magical time of year. The one time our dysfunctional family managed to pull it all together for a truly magical time.

I try to recreate this magic for my kids. It's really important to me. My wife knows this too.

So, we're having some of my wife's family staying with us over Christmas, which is fine. I like having company. My mother-in-law was going to be with us on Christmas day - which is fine too. Then, yesterday it was sprung on me that it didn't make sense for mother-in-law to come only on Christmas day, but wouldn't it make more sense for her to stay over from the 23rd to the 26th because of the other family that's with us. Sure, no problem I thought - the more the merrier. After all, it would be silly if she had to refrain from wine and drive herself home on Christmas day.

But then it dawned on me...

... what about the dog?

"Oh he'd have to come too".

"What do you mean he'd have to come too... you know I can't stand the dog"

"But she wouldn't come without him"

"So you're telling me we're going to have the dog from the 23rd to the 26th?"

"I don't see any other option"

"Have you at least spoken to your mother about finding another solution for the dog... just for the 3 days"?

"I can't ask her that"

"What do you mean you can't ask her that?"

"It's like asking someone to leave their kids with a stranger for a few days"

"Eh... no it isn't"

"For her it is"

"Could it at least stay outside while it's here"

"No, she wouldn't have that"

My mother-in-law is a total borderline mother. My wife adores her and is constantly looking for her approval etc. The problem for me is that she can't actually bring the subject up with her mother... she can't even discuss it. She would rather impose the dog on me and fight with me rather than risk upsetting her mother by even bringing up the subject. So for her it's either have the dog and the mother-in-law from the 23rd to 26th or just invite her for Christmas day... which would be a pity, because I don't mind having the MIL... it's just the DOG.... :-/

What are your thoughts folks?

I'm upset that my wife can't even bring up the subject with mummy in law and prefers to impose it on me and make it all my fault if it doesn't work out.

CloudCumulus · 19-12-2016 11:44AM

As a dog person, I understand that they're like children to them so I see your wife's viewpoint.
Does your mother in law know how uncomfortable the dog makes you? If so she should be reasonable. However given your wife's seeking approval, it sounds like she may be a domineering person and will go ahead and bring the dog anyway.

If you can at all, try to put up with it. That's easy for me to say because I love them, but it's also good for your children to get to know and respect domestic pets so that they're not fearful of them.

silverharp · 19-12-2016 11:46AM

put your foot down, give her a list of local kennels in the area. You don't sound like a "difficult" person and everyone is entitled to have certain boundaries respected.

baby and crumble · 19-12-2016 11:55AM

Do you dislike dogs or are you scared of them?

TBH we all have to do things we don't want to do this time of year.

There's members of both my own family and my partners that I genuinely cannot stand, but they're coming for Christmas dinner.

I think though if you could have a space or two that the dog isn't allowed, like the sitting room or something that'd be grand. You do have to compromise a bit. TBH this close to Christmas you'd do well to find a kennels that has space for over the Christmas anyway.

emmaro · 19-12-2016 12:00PM

I would never leave one of my own dog in a kennels. He wouldn't cope well. I'd rather stay at home than leave him somewhere like that. My other dog would be fine in kennels. I would never bring them anywhere they were not welcomed though.

Maybe the dog really can't stay in a kennels?
In saying that, it's your house so your rules. Is there no way you'd put up with the dog for a few days? You don't have to give him free run of the house. He could be confined to an area?

daisybelle2008 · 19-12-2016 12:04PM

I dunno OP. I think you are blowing this out of proportion. Your first couple paragraphs about your dysfunctional childhood, the magic of Christmas, how your wife should know all this, didn't grow up with animals in the house etc.
You are really throwing the kitchen sink at this. I think you are creating it into a battle for your wife's affection between you and your mother in law.

I don't think it is about the dog to be honest as much as you not feeling like you will be top dog. There really is no need for drama and ultimatums . If the dog is a small house trained beloved pet that you are not genuinely allergic, then suck it up, as other poster says would be good for kids and granny to integrate everyone. I'm sure kids like it too. Your language in your post is very dramatic.
Surely your dislike for dogs is not worth upsetting wife and MIL? I think they'd really appreciate you making the effort with the mutt. Just because your parents didn't have them in the house doesn't mean you or your kids can't develop a different view.

njs030 · 19-12-2016 12:06PM

Don't try and send him to kennels.

If it's that big a deal you ring your mil and tell her the dog isn't invited so she either gets him minded or only comes for the day.
You're putting your wife in the line of fire when you know it's a relationship that's already stressful and hard for her and in the run up to Christmas too!!

Mr. Incognito · 19-12-2016 12:12PM

Could you not see this as an exercise for your Children to bond with animals and not have the same phobia you do?

Dogs are members of the family and need to be cared for. Its only three days. I think you can cope.

Lux23 · 19-12-2016 12:13PM

I think you should use this as an opportunity to get over your issue with dogs because the alternatives will most likely cause ructions at Christmas time. I wouldn't go there.

retro:electro · 19-12-2016 12:22PM

I think you should get over for it for the sake of three days. It's not as if you're scared of the dog, you just don't like them. There's plenty of people/things I don't like around Christmas but I suck it up because it's not all about me and what I want. It's three days op. You never know, you may actually surprise yourself and warm to the dog.

faceman · 19-12-2016 12:24PM

With due respect OP I'm reading this like it's not about the dog at all. It sounds like your wife has no issue. Will anyone else over Christmas have an issue with it bar you?

Now I'm not saying that it means you're wrong just because you're flying solo. Family comes warts and all. Unless there is a safety, medical or risk of damage to furniture etc you may be on the back foot with this one.

Have a think about if you were to accommodate this request, what could you do to make it both a compromise and something that won't put your nose out of joint too much?

bucketybuck · 19-12-2016 12:40PM

Is the dog house trained? I could see the issue if it's some young pup that will be barking and peeing around the place, is that the case?

If not, I do think the OP is coming across a bit precious. It seems as if it's just the very idea of a dog being there at all, in which case the adult thing would be to suck it up instead of letting such a petty issue cast a cloud over the entire weekend. You say you enjoy the whole Christmas experience, so why be the only one with a problem?

Parchment · 19-12-2016 12:50PM

There will be plenty of other people to look after the dog - you will have nothing to do with it for the three days it will be there.

I don't see the problem. Im sure you could say "oh the dog cant come into the sitting room etc" if you didn't want them in around the house that much. But it sounds like the dog is well cared for so is probably house trained and also clean.

I couldn't imagine putting my dog into a kennels for just three days over Xmas.

bucketybuck · 19-12-2016 01:09PM

Loveinapril wrote: »

"hey MIL. We were thinking it would be lovely for you to stay for a few days over christmas but we won't be able to have your dog here. Could he be minded elsewhere? If not, we will see you on 25th".

Thats one way to let your wife's mother know exactly how (un)important she is.

frag420 · 19-12-2016 01:12PM

What does the MIL do when she is away on her hols? Does she bring the dog with her to the hotel or wherever she is staying or does she make alternative arrangements?

If she is adamant that she is bringing the dog then tell her you have made a comfy space for the dog in the shed/just inside the back door/porch etc. Basket, blanket, food/water etc and that is where it will stay for the duration of her stay within reason. If she want to exercise the dog then she can take it for a walk outside.

njs030 · 19-12-2016 01:44PM

bucketybuck wrote: »

Thats one way to let your wife's mother know exactly how (un)important she is.

Not at all. I have dogs and I wouldn't expect them to be invited anywhere with me. It's very strange a man who dislikes dogs is expected to have one in his house for days.
What about the hair and smell left behind?? And the mess in the garden?

I can't understand why she would think he is invited unless she's a very old woman maybe??

19-12-2016 01:51PM

I don't mind dogs but cannot share a living space with them. That would be an absolute no-no for me, no compromise. I believe animals should be housed outside.

It is your house. Tell your mother in law you are allergic and try to come up with a compromise together - kennels, or a space outside.

Humans come first in my book. Therefore your needs are more important here in my opinion.

Dial Hard · 19-12-2016 01:53PM

notjustsweet wrote:

What about the hair and smell left behind?? And the mess in the garden?

She should be cleaning all that up anyway. My dad wouldn't be a dog lover but he allows ours to come with us when we go home for Christmas as he knows that otherwise we could only come over for the day on the 25th.

We wash the dog and all her bedding before we arrive, clean up after her in the garden and then hoover the house before we leave. It's the bloody least any dog owner could do if they're bringing a dog to a dog-free house!

bucketybuck · 19-12-2016 02:02PM

Its the fact that he will be putting into perspective just where she stands in terms of importance, its making pretty clear that yes she is welcome, but only to a point.

And what is that point, what is the thing that would cause her to not be welcome? Its a relatively unimportant factor that only one person in the entire family finds annoying.

If she was a neighbour or an occasional guest it would be totally appropriate to limit her presence due to the dog, and so thats were you are telling her she stands in terms of your family, she is just a guest and that you aren't really bothered if she is there or not.

The OP hasn't said he is allergic to dogs or that the dog isn't house trained, he simply doesn't like them. And it appears he is saying that his simple dislike of a dog is more important than his wife having her mother to stay for a few days over christmas. That he can't suck it up for a few days so she will have to stay away.

Fair enough, he can do what he wants but it seems a bit petty to me.

daisybelle2008 · 19-12-2016 02:08PM

Mystery Egg wrote: »

It is your house.
Tell your mother in law you are allergic

It is also his wife's house, and she doesn't have a problem.
Also he is not allergic, why on earth would he lie about that? to add some false weight to him getting his own way?

njs030 · 19-12-2016 02:23PM

So when he goes to her house to stay can he demand the dog is absent? As it's the person who is visiting that matters more than who lives there according to this thread...

bucketybuck · 19-12-2016 02:26PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

So when he goes to her house to stay can he demand the dog is absent? As it's the person who is visiting that matters more than who lives there according to this thread...

Thats not what the thread says at all, as I am sure most people can see.

sadie1502 · 19-12-2016 02:32PM

If it was me and you didn't want my dog there I'd personally stay home. I think for one day suck it up what's the worst that could happen.

di11on · 19-12-2016 02:40PM

bucketybuck wrote: »

Thats one way to let your wife's mother know exactly how (un)important she is.

Lol, that's not quite how it went... my wife is saying that if we were to raise the issue of the dog, she would only drop in on Christmas day.

The reason I'm posting here is that I know there are a lot of other issues at play and I want to get an external view of what's reasonable. I mentioned other things to put context on it all.... let's put it this way - when I go to the MIL's house, there are boys toilets and girls toilets. I have a wife and two daughter's and my MIL is single.

I like the idea of having a small space that is a dog free zone so we can at least make our Lego in peace :-)

By the way, I'm not particularly scared of dogs and wouldn't quite call it a phobia... just an intense dislike :-)

Thanks everyone for the input.

di11on · 19-12-2016 02:40PM

sadie1502 wrote: »

If it was me and you didn't want my dog there I'd personally stay home. I think for one day suck it up what's the worst that could happen.

It's from the 23rd to the 26th! That's part of the problem!

di11on · 19-12-2016 02:42PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

It is also his wife's house, and she doesn't have a problem.
Also he is not allergic, why on earth would he lie about that? to add some false weight to him getting his own way?

I find the "getting his own way" part disingenuous. Why do you think I went to the trouble of posting here?

di11on · 19-12-2016 02:46PM

Mystery Egg wrote: »

I don't mind dogs but cannot share a living space with them. That would be an absolute no-no for me, no compromise. I believe animals should be housed outside.

It is your house. Tell your mother in law you are allergic and try to come up with a compromise together - kennels, or a space outside.

Humans come first in my book. Therefore your needs are more important here in my opinion.

You understand how uncomfortable they make me feel... it's not just a casual dislike. This seems to be hard for some people to grasp. For me it's like opening up your house to a smelly giant octopus or something... the smell, the hair, the slobbering scratching my new wood floor :-) It's the fact that it's 3-4 days and at Christmas.

But I do have to weigh this against all the other things in play.

njs030 · 19-12-2016 02:48PM

bucketybuck wrote: »

Thats not what the thread says at all, as I am sure most people can see.

The majority of people in the thread are saying things like suck it up, deal with it etc.

I'm quite aware of what they mean but a guest in someone else's house usually doesn't insist on causing problems to their host and I'm supposed how many people here insist it's acceptable.

BetsyEllen · 19-12-2016 03:51PM

I think you are over reacting really but I guess it's your house, your rules.

I would just try and compromise.

You have new wooden floors that you are worried about scratching? I find it hard to believe a dogs nails will scratch a wooden floor unless it's quite a cheap floor you have (my parents have wooden floors and a dog and no issues) but if you're really concerned, insist the dog is confined to an area in the house where there is only carpets, a particular room for example.

You can hoover when it's gone, that will save you from the hair.

The slobbering? Well I've come across few dogs in my time that genuinely slobber all over you. It can happen but only really with certain breeds I find.

I think you just need to get over it, it's a very short period of time. It's not like it's going to be sleeping in your bed with you.

19-12-2016 03:53PM

di11on wrote: »

My mother-in-law is a total borderline mother. My wife adores her and is constantly looking for her approval etc. The problem for me is that she can't actually bring the subject up with her mother... she can't even discuss it. She would rather impose the dog on me and fight with me rather than risk upsetting her mother by even bringing up the subject

As others have said, this probably isn't even about the dog for you, it's about your wife's relationship with her mother.

I feel sorry for any grown person who is in constant need of approval from a parent, it's quite sad really.

So take it as a compliment ... your wife knows she can count on you 100% but needs more from her mother.

Be the good guy and suck it up, let the kids and your wife and MIL worry about the dog. It sounds like you'll have a full house this Christmas so don't sweat the small stuff

di11on · 19-12-2016 03:56PM

Deleted User wrote: »

As others have said, this probably isn't even about the dog for you, it's about your wife's relationship with her mother.

I feel sorry for any grown person who is in constant need of approval from a parent, it's quite sad really.

So take it as a compliment ... your wife knows she can count on you 100% but needs more from her mother.

Be the good guy and suck it up, let the kids and your wife and MIL worry about the dog. It sounds like you'll have a full house this Christmas so don't sweat the small stuff

Thanks for your constructive good natured input :-)

Mother in law's dog for Christmas

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