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Unsure future

  • 24-11-2016 11:12PM
    #1
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭


    So guess looking for wisdom or opinions. I'm a man, 32, was going out with a girl for year and a half. She broke up with me 6 months ago and she started going out with someone a month later even though I poured my heart out to her and feel like she left me for someone else which hurts a lot still. I really loved her and all my future plans had her in it. Seeing all my friends and cousins getting engaged/married makes me feel sometimes I've left it too late to look again or that I've lost the love of my life. I've tried to move on with online dating, met three girls, went on a date with each of them but nothing ever happened after that. Kinda knocked my confidence and sometimes make me feel no one will ever love me again or my dreams of a nice normal life will never come true. Just think life's not fair as in my ex left me but found happiness again and is doings things while I'm stuck in a rut still. Just I suppose looking for some experience or advice from people. Thanks


Comments

  • #2
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    The trick to getting through break-ups is starting a new life without this person. You have to build new routines with new people and make your life exciting again instead of having a void there that the other person used to fill. So take up a hobby, maybe start going to the gym or doing something fitness related that you enjoy, that sort of thing. Give yourself goals and stuff to work towards. The gaps need to be filled or you'll be caught in this period of your life and unable to move on. Go through this new routine week-after-week until that becomes the new normal and then you'll start to feel happiness again, then you'll be past it.

    32 is by no means too old to find someone new. People are getting married older and older now. Take that notion out of your head. I understand the difficulty with mates getting married etc, so yeah maybe you won't be able to go out on the pull at the weekends like you might have used to, but truth is not many people are even doing this anymore. People may go out to hook up but not to find someone. Everything, dating-wise, has pretty much moved online now.

    As far as placing your future in her: that's a dangerous game. Try use this hurt now as an awakening. Nothing lasts forever, whatever happens. When you're with someone again, try just enjoy the moment rather staking your future in another person, especially after only 18 months. I get that that can feel like an eternity in the moment but it's actually not that long for a serious relationship. Your future is your responsibility and it's risky for your emotional psyche to put your hopes into someone else's hands. Think of it like you're sharing your life with someone for a certain amount of time. Whatever happens, you're gonna make sure your life continues to be awesome, even if they're not around for that. But if they are then great!


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey op - I'm a guy in a similar situation. But I was with my ex for over 10 years. We have kids together and she cheated and ended our relationship about 1 and a half years ago now.

    I was in the exact same space as you - but have noticed things getting easier over the past while. I dived right into the dating scene to try and meet someone new - met a few girls had some lovely dates. But ultimately i know i probably wasn't ready to move on straight away.

    You might be the same after only 6 months of breaking up. It's not a long time really - and takes a while to really get over a relationship that you're invested in like that.

    You need to probably just give yourself more time. Get plenty of exercise, rest, do new things, meet up with friends, dont try and force another relationship just yet.

    Ignore your ex and who she's with too - just try and block her out. If you have to have contact so be it but try and limit contact or exposure to her. It'll only make things a lot harder.

    Best of luck.


  • #4
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭Salrub


    Thanks for replies so far. Guess it has just knocked me completely and fact she moved on so fast within a month as if I didn't mean much to her. I tried my best in the relationship and made mistakes but just sometimes think things will never work out for me. I'm trying to move on, going to gym few times a week, online dating, nights out with friends, etc but just can't stop thinking about her and replaying everything over in my head and where we would be if still together but now she is happy with someone else and it hurts big time. It's like I feel she is the only woman that could ever love me and it's hard to believe that there is someone better out there for me and that I can someday achieve my hopes and dreams.


  • #5
    Step23
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 131 ✭✭Step23


    I know how you feel, obviously the following is easier said than done, but try not to dwell on it, its easy to think of all the various scenarios etc etc but these things happen all the time. The best thing to do is take up a new hobby or develop a new skill. When something very similar happened to me years ago I bought a bike and got more serious into the sport and looking back now it was the best thing I could have done at the time.


  • #6
    Liberty Valance
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 14 ✭Liberty Valance


    edit


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  • #7
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    Heartbreak is hard and it's tough when you are vulnerable and everyone else is in couples. You have a choice: choose to let this get you down or choose to live and enjoy your life and be open to accepting someone into your life when you undoubtedly meet someone you like. Which of course at your age you will.

    Take some time out from relationships to do the things you love and build up your confidence again. You are better off being emotionally well and making a good relationship choice than a rushed and poor one because you are wanting to fill a void left by an ex.

    Look at your life and all you have to be grateful for. Gratitude can truly make such a difference in our lives. All the best :)


  • #8
    Dr Crayfish
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,960 ✭✭✭Dr Crayfish


    It's been 6 months, so give it some time. Ask yourself why you're in such a hurry to find someone anyway? You need to sort your own self out first before you can think about going out with someone again.
    You say that life isn't fair. It isn't! These things happen to everyone.


  • #9
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭Salrub


    To be honest this has been the toughest time of my life. I probably never realised how much I loved her till it was over. The fact she left me and replaced me so fast has really affected 'me, like I was just used. I am trying to get over her, I have learned so much from my mistakes I made in the relationship. I am trying to better myself, been to see a counsellor a few times and after telling them all about the relationship they have said what all my friends are trying for me to see, that she has major issues and that it would have been worse had we got more serious and it broke down. Won't go into detail but felt I had to watch what I had to say the whole time and she was very sensitive. I supposing I am trying to rush things and panicking, it's just I see everyone else moving on in their lives. It has really knocked my confidence and self esteem and I've been on a few dates with women but nothing ever materialises after them so I'm beginning to lose hope big time of ever getting back the same love and happiness again. I'm naturally shy at first and has me questioning if I'm attractive or not. Guess if anyone my around my age 32, has ever gone through this or anyone with advice, I'll take everything on board,


  • #10
    s15r330
    Closed Accounts Posts: 944 ✭✭✭s15r330


    I was in your position but about 3 years ago when I was 30.
    Girlfriend of 5 years, who I thought at the time was the one turned out not to be, she ended things.
    I was upset obviously, but I had friends and work to occupy me.
    Tinder and POF were to come on the scene shortly after. I met a lot of girls that Summer, had fun and really opened my eyes to the fact that there are plenty more fish in the sea, a cliché I know, but definitely true.
    You need to be happy on your own before you can find someone else.
    I didn't want another gf at first, which I made clear to anyone I was talking to.
    Once we were both on the same page we'd meet up.
    Eventually I got tired of this and thought I'd like a gf again, so in the end I met my current gf, together 1.5 years now and she's soon to be my fiancé, she is amazing and makes me so happy the last girl finished things because it led me to where I am.

    Relax, forget your one by moving on, its over, doesn't matter why or how quick she seemed to move on, she's gone.

    Get out and about, get Tinder, POF or whatever else is out there. Meet as many people as possible and enjoy yourself.

    The right one will come along. There is no rush, its 2016, my dad was 23 when I was born in 1983, it was a different world, you're not too old.

    You're about to have the best time of your life if you just go out and go for it!

    Ps: don't mind where everyone else is, nobody is the same! You shouldn't live your life according to what others do.


  • #11
    December2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    I take from your posts that she decided to end the relationship, and not you?

    In that case she probably felt that the relationship would be ending for a little bit before she ended it. she was further along in the healing process when you actually broke up, so the month won't seem as short to her as it does to you.


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  • #12
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭Salrub


    December2012 wrote: »
    I take from your posts that she decided to end the relationship, and not you?

    In that case she probably felt that the relationship would be ending for a little bit before she ended it. she was further along in the healing process when you actually broke up, so the month won't seem as short to her as it does to you.

    Yeah she ended, and I understand she probables was further down the line than I am. Still it knocks you completely when you just seem to be replaced so easily after I tried my best to win her back by pouring my heart out to her


  • #13
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭Salrub


    s15r330 wrote: »
    I was in your position but about 3 years ago when I was 30.
    Girlfriend of 5 years, who I thought at the time was the one turned out not to be, she ended things.
    I was upset obviously, but I had friends and work to occupy me.
    Tinder and POF were to come on the scene shortly after. I met about 80 girls that Summer, had fun and really opened my eyes to the fact that there are plenty more fish in the sea, a cliché I know, but definitely true.
    You need to be happy on your own before you can find someone else.
    I didn't want another gf at first, which I made clear to anyone I was talking to.
    Once we were both on the same page we'd meet up.
    Eventually I got tired of this and thought I'd like a gf again, so in the end I met my current gf, together 1.5 years now and going to NY for new years where i'm gonna propose, she is amazing and makes me so happy the last girl finished things because it led me to where I am.

    Relax, forget your one by moving on, its over, doesn't matter why or how quick she seemed to move on, she's gone.

    Get out and about, get Tinder, POF or whatever else is out there. Meet as many people as possible and enjoy yourself.

    The right one will come along. There is no rush, its 2016, my dad was 23 when I was born in 1983, it was a different world, you're not too old.

    You're about to have the best time of your life if you just go out and go for it!

    Ps: don't mind where everyone else is, nobody is the same! You shouldn't live your life according to what others do.

    Thanks for that, hope I will find the right one. Just I was never that popular than women than you seemed to be so it has me questioning have I missed the boat. As I said been trying to meet someone but after one date nothing happens. Just this time of the year brings back s lot of memories of the times we had together


  • #14
    lawred2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,756 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    Salrub wrote: »
    Yeah she ended, and I understand she probables was further down the line than I am. Still it knocks you completely when you just seem to be replaced so easily after I tried my best to win her back by pouring my heart out to her

    Selfish and thoughtless but sadly that's the way we're made..


  • #15
    s15r330
    Closed Accounts Posts: 944 ✭✭✭s15r330


    Salrub wrote: »
    Thanks for that, hope I will find the right one. Just I was never that popular than women than you seemed to be so it has me questioning have I missed the boat. As I said been trying to meet someone but after one date nothing happens. Just this time of the year brings back s lot of memories of the times we had together

    Quite the opposite, I used to be horribly shy.
    But I worked on my confidence and you'd be surprised how far developing confidence and being happy with yourself can get you.

    Go big with the online thing, message anyone who takes your fancy. Everyone says it but you need to get out there, dwelling on your ex will only prolong things.
    You'll look back on this and see it as a lucky escape, mark my words.

    Don't go at it with the intention of meeting a gf, relax, enjoy the experience and what you want will come in time.


  • #16
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭Salrub


    s15r330 wrote: »
    Quite the opposite, I used to be horribly shy.
    But I worked on my confidence and you'd be surprised how far developing confidence and being happy with yourself can get you.

    Go big with the online thing, message anyone who takes your fancy. Everyone says it but you need to get out there, dwelling on your ex will only prolong things.
    You'll look back on this and see it as a lucky escape, mark my words.

    Don't go at it with the intention of meeting a gf, relax, enjoy the experience and what you want will come in time.

    I am getting help in building up my confidence and self esteem. I keep beating myself saying I should have done this, should done that, why did I say that etc. This weekend two years ago we met and suppose I had in my head that at 2 years I was going to take the next step which of course is all shattered now. I'm trying online thing for last two weeks but not having much success in it which kinda knocks me more. Just I'm from a rural area and everyone my age are settled/ taken and it's just really hard sometimes to keep the faith or believe that things will work out for me. But I'm going to take all advice I can and its great to see someone similar like yourself have things work out for you which hopefully will give me the hope to keep trying


  • #17
    RachN0207
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14 ✭RachN0207


    I was in the same situation as you are this year OP, long term relationship that I thought was the one ended and I spent much of this year in a very bad place. I hadn't had a good time with men previous to this and coupled with being in my early thirties I'm not feeling very positive about getting back on the dating scene. However I am starting to feel myself changing lately and things becoming more positive, it will happen for you too. I think this time of year is hard on anyone who feels their life isn't exactly going according to plan anyway don't mind adding the memories of exes. Counselling always helps, as does keeping busy and spending more time with friends and family. I'm in the same boat as you and there are plenty others too. Try stay positive :)


  • #18
    s15r330
    Closed Accounts Posts: 944 ✭✭✭s15r330


    Salrub wrote: »
    I am getting help in building up my confidence and self esteem. I keep beating myself saying I should have done this, should done that, why did I say that etc. This weekend two years ago we met and suppose I had in my head that at 2 years I was going to take the next step which of course is all shattered now. I'm trying online thing for last two weeks but not having much success in it which kinda knocks me more. Just I'm from a rural area and everyone my age are settled/ taken and it's just really hard sometimes to keep the faith or believe that things will work out for me. But I'm going to take all advice I can and its great to see someone similar like yourself have things work out for you which hopefully will give me the hope to keep trying

    As someone said earlier, have a thick skin when it comes to online.
    You may not even get a reply half the time but keep trying.
    Just try to stand out, no one liner opening messages, put the effort in and it will pay off.
    For Tinder set the distance to maximum if you're in a rural spot.


  • #19
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭Salrub


    RachN0207 wrote: »
    I was in the same situation as you are this year OP, long term relationship that I thought was the one ended and I spent much of this year in a very bad place. I hadn't had a good time with men previous to this and coupled with being in my early thirties I'm not feeling very positive about getting back on the dating scene. However I am starting to feel myself changing lately and things becoming more positive, it will happen for you too. I think this time of year is hard on anyone who feels their life isn't exactly going according to plan anyway don't mind adding the memories of exes. Counselling always helps, as does keeping busy and spending more time with friends and family. I'm in the same boat as you and there are plenty others too. Try stay positive :)

    Thanks for that. Suppose I wasn't really in much serious relationships before her and like you taught I had finally met someone. Really liked her family too and them me. Just see how things work out for other people and not me but just have to try and believe it will eventually for me too, just wish it Could happen now!!


  • #20
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭Salrub


    s15r330 wrote: »
    As someone said earlier, have a thick skin when it comes to online.
    You may not even get a reply half the time but keep trying.
    Just try to stand out, no one liner opening messages, put the effort in and it will pay off.
    For Tinder set the distance to maximum if you're in a rural spot.

    I have been trying them things, but suppose not happening for me at moment.


  • #21
    linpoo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 234 ✭✭linpoo


    You always meet someone when you least expect it....get busy being happy with your life as it is now and it'll probably happen quicker for you if you're not constantly worrying about when it will happen. A book/film I'd recommend is The Secret...it might help you to get into a more positive frame of mind. Or abraham hicks have good YouTube videos.


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  • #22
    Jerome77
    Closed Accounts Posts: 64 ✭✭Jerome77


    I was there before. You will count your lucky stars one day that she left you. Ride the storm


  • #23
    Salrub
    Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭Salrub


    Just re-reading over replies. Thanks to all who offered advice . I do hope that I will look back on her leaving me as a blessing like was mentioned there. Just hard to stop imagining being still with Her and what we would be doing now. It's hard sometimes but I know I have to start thinking positive and hopefully I'll get another chance at finding the right one soon


  • #24
    GiantTcr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16 ✭GiantTcr


    s15r330 wrote: »
    Ps: don't mind where everyone else is, nobody is the same! You shouldn't live your life according to what others do.

    This is so true.

    It's really cliché OP, but time is a healer. You will get through this. One of the beautiful things in life is that there are good times ahead. You are just going through one of the bad ones.


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