Warning signs or am I overracting

njs030 · 17-10-2016 03:28PM

Your post makes me very uncomfortable op, do you realise how controlling you sound (and frostyjacks too)?

She saw women's beauty products in your bathroom, instead of worrying and stewing over it she politely asked who's they were- like a grown up who knows how to communicate.
When you explained she then asked where the relationship was going- again like a grown up- only to be told that you wanted to keep your options open for no apparent reason with a few patronising words thrown in about how great she is.

Rewarding her for her behavior? There's something not right about how you see relationships op, she did the grown up thing....you acted like a spoilt child.

The Wolverine · 17-10-2016 03:42PM

She seems to have had a lucky escape as from your post you seem a very odd sort of fellow OP

StupidLikeAFox · 17-10-2016 03:54PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

Are you trying to train her or something? Because thats how it came across with this sentence

frostyjacks · 17-10-2016 04:47PM

Magicmatilda wrote: »

How do you know she was inspecting any cabinet? OP never mentioned that she had inspected his bathroom cabinet. I read it that those items had been left out in plan view. In which case I fail to see how asking about them is bunny boilerish? It is asking a question, that's all.

But she has no business asking that question. She was a guest in another person's place of residence. Even if the toiletries were out in plain sight, the polite thing would be to ignore it.

Note how she jumped right in and accused him of bringing other women back, rather than asking if they belonged to a female relative.

SB_Part2 · 17-10-2016 04:53PM

frostyjacks wrote: »

But she has no business asking that question. She was a guest in another person's place of residence. Even if the toiletries were out in plain sight, the polite thing would be to ignore it.

Note how she jumped right in and accused him of bringing other women back, rather than asking if they belonged to a female relative.

She has every business asking those questions. She was sleeping with him for 2 months.

And the OP said she said it in a jokey way.

Dial Hard · 17-10-2016 05:04PM

frostyjacks wrote:

Note how she jumped right in and accused him of bringing other women back, rather than asking if they belonged to a female relative.

Get in the sea, she didn't accuse him of anything, she brought it up in a jokey manner, which is exactly what I would have done myself.

Your attitude is as weird as the OP's, tbh.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2016 05:22PM

I'd like to distance myself from frostyjacks comments. I'm in no way controlling, I can see how the use of the word reward could be perceived that way though but it's not the case in reality, more a poor choice of wording on my part.

A lot of people making assumptions that aren't true either. We weren't sleeping together for 2 months, dated regularly for about 5 weeks first and built an exceptionally strong non sexual bond first before she was fully comfortable to take it further.

I just thought we'd enough trust built up that the worst case scenario wouldn't have been her first assumption in this case but that's probably fanciful on my part. My father always treated my mother terribly and I'd hate to think it's rubbed off on me. I'll phone her tonight and hopefully she hasn't written me off due to this.

bucketybuck · 17-10-2016 06:47PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

I just thought we'd enough trust built up that the worst case scenario wouldn't have been her first assumption in this case

You really don't get it do you.

Dial Hard · 17-10-2016 06:55PM

Unsurepete wrote:

I just thought we'd enough trust built up that the worst case scenario wouldn't have been her first assumption in this case but that's probably fanciful on my part. My father always treated my mother terribly and I'd hate to think it's rubbed off on me. I'll phone her tonight and hopefully she hasn't written me off due to this.

But she *didn't* immediately assume it was a worst case scenario, she made a joke about it and left the situation open for you to answer. The fact that she then went on to use it as an opportunity to broach becoming exclusive with you makes it very clear to me that she never for a second actually thought that you were seeing other people. But you then completely shot her down. The poor girl sat there til she could make her excuses and take her morto self home, and you've responded by ignoring her for days.

By all means apologise, OP, but don't expect anything from her and for the love of God, have a good long think about how you go about such mundane social interactions in future.

nkav86 · 17-10-2016 07:02PM

Reading through this thread I'm shocked at how the OP handled the situation and frosty seriously needs to cop on, or stop trolling. I agree completely with the others and suggest the OP take the advice on board to take a look at his actions. May have made an honest mistake in his snap reactions, but needs to really work on this impulse if he wants a happy relationship with this girl who he seems to really like. I'm glad to hear he's calling her as he needs to apologise but, honestly, I wouldn't expect much. I'd run if I were her.

Sound Bite · 17-10-2016 07:21PM

This is mad.

She finds women's toiletries in the bathroom and uses the opportunity in a non confrontational way to see if you are seeing other women or are more serious about her. I don't understand what else you would expect her to do. The vast majority of women I know would react the same or many even worse than that.

If she had gotten mad, started an argument or had not allowed you respond, then maybe you could be justified in your behaviour somewhat.

I know you say that your use of reward was a bad choice of words. I have my suspicions. It indicates a certain mentality and not one I would like.

If she reads boards and recognises the post, there's no way she'd go anywhere near you again.

She didn't overreact. You did.

HanaleiJ5N · 17-10-2016 07:41PM

OP, sorry, but this is exactly what happens when you play "games", communication is the most important part of any relationship, if you're going to pick and choose what you say based on rewarding or punishing the other person then yeah, a serious red flag there, you need to knock that type of thing on the head very quickly indeed because as you're currently finding out it will only backfire.

You need to apologise and be more straight with her, and if she forgives you, cut out the damn mind games.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2016 07:45PM

Appreciate all the replies. I put the thread up because I know I'm far from perfect and to get an outside perspective to see if I was in the wrong which going by replies I most obviously was.

Anyway I called her up to apologies there. She sounded pretty upset and teary but said she rejected a work colleague's advances a few weeks ago but asked him out this Wednesday since we aren't exclusive, which is perfectly understandable.

So you were all right that she'd run a mile. I'll leave her alone now. I think maybe subconsciousy I feared the feelings I had for her and went into self destruct mode which I have done before in the past.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-10-2016 08:17PM

2 months is probably around the time you'd start talking about being exclusive. Although it's a difficult topic to bring up. Read through a couple of pages of posts here and you'll find plenty of people wondering how to bring up the subject. Like you, she probably felt the same connection you did, and was sweating over how to bring up the conversation. The women's toiletries were just the ice breaker. I'm sure, if the connection is as strong as you claim that she didn't for 1 second believe that you'd brought other women back. She used it as the perfect ice-breaker - Have a bit of a laugh about it, and then move on to the serious subject.

You're reaction was crazy.

I genuinely hope you do see where you went wrong and you 100% apologise to her for getting the wrong end of the stick. She might give you a second chance, and it might be something you joke about in your wedding speech! But she also might just say, "nah, you're alright, thanks".

Merkin · 17-10-2016 09:45PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

Appreciate all the replies. I put the thread up because I know I'm far from perfect and to get an outside perspective to see if I was in the wrong which going by replies I most obviously was.

Anyway I called her up to apologies there. She sounded pretty upset and teary but said she rejected a work colleague's advances a few weeks ago but asked him out this Wednesday since we aren't exclusive, which is perfectly understandable.

So you were all right that she'd run a mile. I'll leave her alone now. I think maybe subconsciousy I feared the feelings I had for her and went into self destruct mode which I have done before in the past.

I think you hurt her so much that she essentially is trying to make you feel the same way. I'm really surprised you're going to just leave it, it's completely at odds with how you claimed to feel about her in your OP.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2016 10:21PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

I think maybe subconsciousy I feared the feelings I had for her and went into self destruct mode which I have done before in the past.

Did you actually tell her this? If you want to have any hope at all of a reconciliation, you need to open up& lay out your feelings honestly. She needs to know that you were acting out of a place of fear & love, that your main concern isn't hormones& sowing your wild oats!
How often do you come across someone you really truly connect with on all levels? This was a misunderstanding. it's going to be a learning curve- but you have to at least *try* to woo this girl back properly. I'm not talking about presents or flowers; simply a good long heart-to-heart , put it all out there.

Katgurl · 17-10-2016 10:24PM

I thought you really liked her! Why are you leaving it now?

For gods sake if she didn't want to speak to you then she wouldn't have answered the phone.

Call her back once more and say "I'm sorry for stalking you so if you don't want me to contact you again I wont but I need to say this - I like you a lot. I reacted really stupidly when you asked about exclusivity. If you're still interested I am totally on for that and I wont act like such a twat again. What do you think?"

amtc · 17-10-2016 10:36PM

When did we have to have an exclusive conversation?! You've sleeping with her, it's implied.

When I first stayed with my ex, there was lots of fake tan. He said it was his sister's. Years later I asked her...she'd never been there. Turns out he was using it himself and we all made a laugh of it.

I have male razors and shaving gel in my bathroom. My best friend asked me about it. Simple reason is they're cheaper than female branded products.

In any event the girl did nothing wrong. Do the bigger thing. Apologise. Grovel.

LynnGrace · 17-10-2016 10:41PM

OP, I know that you have described it as poor wording on your part, but I am still incredulous at the use of the words 'reward for suspicious behaviour'.

As said upthread, I think she tried to introduce the idea of exclusivity lightly, and yes, your reaction was just way over the top. I honestly think you have stuff to work through before getting into a relationship again, with anyone. In her shoes, I wouldn't really be interested in returning, to be honest.

Sound Bite · 17-10-2016 11:44PM

Ah come on.......if you really like the girl don't give up over one silly misunderstanding.

Apologise for being an ass and ask for a second chance.

A genuine apology will work wonders if it's real, honest and sincere.

Topps · 17-10-2016 11:45PM

This is just so sad..

frostyjacks · 17-10-2016 11:47PM

This happened Saturday night, and by Monday she's already arranged a date with another man? It sounds like she's moved on. Grovelling now would just make the OP look desperate.

LLMMLL · 18-10-2016 04:39AM

OP I can see where you're coming from and some of the replies about you being "controlling" are ridiculous.

You didn't act in a mature manner (most of us don't) but she hardly did either. The sensible thing for her to do would be to inquire about exclusivity without mentioning the female products in your bathroom. Bringing it up was quite childish on her part and I can see why it would get your back up. People hide accusations and petulance in "jokey" words all the time. Its a form of passive agressiveness and I know I wouldn't be delighted to see it in a potential partner. Maybe it was a once off in a moment of weakness or maybe every time you come home from a night out with your mates it would be "did you score? hah hah" <death stare>.

And lets not pretend this was a normal, pleasant, "i really like you lets be exclusive" conversation she started. It wasn't out of happiness or desire, it was out of insecurity and fear. I can't blame the OP for being wary. I'm sure if this incident hadn't happened and she had brought it up that nightwhile happily cuddled up on the couch his reaction would have been completely different.

You were both equally at fault for letting it fester this long. You've been accused of playing games on this thread, but in fairness she clearly is playing games too. In fact, she's gone further than playing a game of "who caves first and makes contact" and has either made a date to punish you, or is lying about it to punish you. I mean does anyone really believe this girl in the space of a few days after hoping for exclusivity in a 2 month relationship now is calmly moving on to another guy? Its a game and does not reflect well on her, whether the others on this thread think you "deserve" it or not.

Overall, your behaviour may not have been perfect, but hers sounds quite headwrecking. You can probably fix it (I doubt this other guy exists to be honest), and maybe she'll be grand once you are both honest and upfront, or maybe she'll turn out to be a headwrecker. Its up to you.

As for you being "controlling" its pretty obvious you worded it badly. People would acknowledge on this forum all the time that if you accept bad behaviour from someone they will continue to act badly. You basically put that completely acceptable advice in a slightly dodgy way and now you're being unfairly criticised for it.

Conor Bourke · 18-10-2016 08:15AM

If someone prefers open relationships then they should make that very clear to someone they're sleeping with from the very beginning. Anyone who is truly into open relationships as a way of life will have no problem doing so, it's basic manners. Anyone who's just chancing their arm, keeping their options open without being explicitly clear to all involved is being a bit of a dick, IMO.

18-10-2016 08:53AM

Unsurepete wrote: »

I mean in truth I wanted nothing more than her to be my girlfriend but considering how close we had been I felt a little taken aback that she'd be suspicious of me.

Unsurepete wrote: »

I just thought we'd enough trust built up that the worst case scenario wouldn't have been her first assumption in this case but that's probably fanciful on my part.

What you say there would be reasonable in a committed relationship but, at this stage, why shouldn't she be "suspicious" of you since you are not committed to her and you have other women's toiletries in your bathroom?!

"Suspicious" isn't even the right word. It would be completely normal to assume you could be sleeping with other women in these circumstances.

Unsurepete wrote: »

So you were all right that she'd run a mile. I'll leave her alone now. I think maybe subconsciously I feared the feelings I had for her and went into self destruct mode which I have done before in the past.

Well it's up to you but if the budding relationship was all that you say it was, it'd be a shame to make no effort to fix it. She clearly liked you and wanted to be your girlfriend before you shot yourself in the foot, at least try to have a face to face conversation with her about it.

pookie82 · 18-10-2016 10:44AM

Unsurepete wrote: »

I'd like to distance myself from frostyjacks comments. I'm in no way controlling, I can see how the use of the word reward could be perceived that way though but it's not the case in reality, more a poor choice of wording on my part.

A lot of people making assumptions that aren't true either. We weren't sleeping together for 2 months, dated regularly for about 5 weeks first and built an exceptionally strong non sexual bond first before she was fully comfortable to take it further.

I just thought we'd enough trust built up that the worst case scenario wouldn't have been her first assumption in this case but that's probably fanciful on my part. My father always treated my mother terribly and I'd hate to think it's rubbed off on me. I'll phone her tonight and hopefully she hasn't written me off due to this.

Your statements are quite confusing to me. On the one hand you make out you haven't been sleeping together that long and you haven't made up your mind as to whether or not to be exclusive yet.

On the other hand, in this short and seemingly "casual" time (in your eyes) she's supposed to trust you implicitly and never dare ask where she stands, or if you're sleeping with someone else.

Bit of a contradiction, no?

I'm sorry too, but this caper of sleeping with multiple partners and them having no right to know they're sharing you with god knows how many other women from one night to another is bizarre to me, from a sexual health point of view if nothing else. If she has any cop on (which she obviously has) for her own sake and health she'd ask the question.

I think you should leave her be. Sounds like these strange assumptions you seem to make about what you're owed (trust) without giving anything (commitment) will permeate the entire relationship.

LegacyUser · 18-10-2016 11:50AM

I don't really think it's a contradiction. In my eyes it felt like we were in a relationship based on how much time we spent together and just the way we were around each other. Her asking had I been sleeping with other people recently made me feel a little cold, and found it hard to comprehend how she could think we could display such strong emotions each other and be with anyone else. So I just thought at that time we perhaps weren't ready to be bf and gf officially if she could think that. Nothing to with playing games or being controlling. But I've since realised largely due to people here making me see sense that my thinking was flawed and unfair towards her.

And I have left her alone. When dozens of posters say they'd have nothing to do with you in her shoes you kinda have to register that, and when she compounds this by telling you she's moved on to someone else it sends your confidence to the floor. Haven't slept last few nights and feeling pretty lousy tbh.

Shinbin223 · 18-10-2016 12:26PM

I don't know OP. If she had burned her bridges already she wouldn't have wanted to talk to you. I suggest the following. You call her and say something along the lines of
"I'm not going to keep contacting you if that's not what you want but I'd like to explain myself properly. I like you and I do see us in a relationship. Since we have been getting on so well, I was somewhat taken aback when you asked about the toiletries which you were perfectly entitled to do. I reacted badly which I am aware may not make you want anything to do with me. I messed up and would like to give us a go if it's what you want".

If you really like her like you say you won't be willing to just leave things be and if you genuinely whole-heartedly apologise for being an idiot she might just re-consider. Although if I felt I wasn't deserving of a "reward of exclusivity" from a guy I was seeing for two months he would want to be something special for me to give him a second chance. If you think she is someone you want to be in a relationship with, tell her this and apologise. You might regret not making more of an effort to get her back if you like her as much as you say.

SB_Part2 · 18-10-2016 12:34PM

I think you should ignore what Shinbin said and just leave the girl alone.

She's told you she's arranged another date. Whether this is true or not is not relevant. It means she has no more interest in you.

Yellow pack crisps · 18-10-2016 12:45PM

You only seem half arsed to be honest. Better to find someone that there is no hesitation in wanting a relationship. It's pretty ridiculous what occurred. By both of you I might add. A bigger red flag would be that she arranged a date a few days after asking for exclusitivity!

Warning signs or am I overracting

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