Am I horrible?

AntiChew · 13-10-2016 04:46PM #1

Hi all,
Long time boards user here. I'll try to be as clear as possible with my problem and any advice is appreciated.

So, I am in a relationship for the past two years with my OH, who I love very much and really do believe is the one for me. We are both 23 and both have had relationships prior to getting together. When we got together, we just clicked immediately. Same interest, similar personalities, neither of us were big on partying, both of us love to travel and both of us were very attracted to each other. We moved in together after about a year and both of of were very happy.

Here's the catch, it hasn't always been smooth sailing. Like every couple, we've had our ups and downs. In my opinion, a lot more downs than we should have, especially for a young couple who are together a relatively short time. My OH suffered with mental health issues, was very very depressed and suffered from rapidly changing mood swings.

I encouraged my OH to seek professional help for this, which they did, began taking medication and seeing someone they could talk too. I offered as much support as I could. Without sounding like a martyr, my life very quickly began to revolve around my OH and looking after them. My OH's motivation was at a total low and needed encouragement to do everything, from getting up to personal hygiene etc. I did my best to do this as well as I could, but I have absolutely no doubt there was times where I could have done more.

As I mentioned above, neither of us were big on the party scene, however I did enjoy occasional nights out. These however became fewer and fewer as my OH often wasn't up to going out and if I went out alone with friends, my OH would get "huffy" and I began very isolated from my own group of friends. Eventually, I ended up spending all my time either working, doing college work to finish my degree, or with my OH. After a few months my OH was still feeling very low and decided that they needed to move closer to their family and wanted me to go too. I agreed without hesitation, I know its what my OH needed. It did however mean I was going to be commuting 6 hours a day, 4 times a week for 5 months, in order to finish my degree. This was incredibly draining for me both financially and physically, but we got through it. As well as this, moving meant I am 5 hours away from the city I was living in, which I loved, and I had to turn down a permanent contract in a job I would have loved. I am now unemployed, awaiting a start date up here with a different company, in a job I am qualified for, but know I won't enjoy.

Since we moved up, my OH's mood has improved, they are now no longer taking medication and as a result of this, other things have improved (i.e. my OH's sex-drive, which decreased due to medication). However other things have not, I asked my OH that we go on a night out maybe once a month, as I was feeling very isolated and a bit lost in a new area. So far we have had three nights out and they have all ended badly. My OH cannot handle much alcohol, and knows this, but has still gotten very drunk on these nights out and become very nasty and abusive to me. At times my OH has been aggressive toward me, using bad language, name calling and once getting physical (on the lower end of the scale). As well as this, there are times in our normal day to day life when my OH can be very snappy with me and speak to me in a very demeaning manner, sometimes in front of friends, which I find very hard. I told my OH that this is not acceptable and as a result, my OH has begun seeing a counsellor up here, so I'm hopeful that will stop.

So I suppose this is my problem-I do love my OH very, very much, but I'm starting to get itchy feet, I'm living in an area that I'm not mad about, I feel very isolated, I'm not working in an area I want to work in and on top of that, I am dying to go off and travel. My OH intends to go back to college in September 2018, to begin a 3/4 year degree, in the UK, and we intend on moving there together. I am very happy to do this but I'm starting to feel like my whole life is revolving around whats best for my OH and I'm just kind of here. I really, really want to go to Australia, just for 6 months, to work and have a good time there. There is a massive demand for my profession there at the minute and I would be able to save for our move. I also have friends over there who do the same work and would help me settle and find my feet. I just don't know if I should. I don't want to split up with my OH and feel like the break would do us no harm. To me, it's 6 months, which is nothing in comparison to a life together. I don't want to spend my life regretting not going or wishing I did it. I just don't know what to do and worry so much about leaving my OH for 6 months. I feel like a horrible person for even thinking it.

I realize that this probably reads like I'm making myself out to be an angel and my OH the devil, but that is not the case. I am far from perfect and my OH is very, very good to me in a lot of ways and I know they love me.

Sorry this was so long winded!! Any advice is welcome.

BetsyEllen · 13-10-2016 04:57PM

I think that you have put your OH first for a very long time and it's time to think of yourself now.

Would you consider them going to Australia with you? Do you think they would go?

6 months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, but it can feel like a very long time whilst it's happening.

So if you do decide to go you may need to prepare for the fact that the relationship may not last, especially if your OH resents you for leaving them which they may well do after getting used to having you to lean on for so long.

You need to speak to them and gauge their reaction on you going, be it with or without them.
If they are against the idea of you going, purely because you'd be leaving them but with no intentions of going with you then maybe you'd be better off going anyway and as I said before, thinking of yourself for a change.

Hollister11 · 13-10-2016 04:58PM

Maybe not what you want to hear, but if that was me I'd up and leave her and I wouldn't give it a second thought.

blairbear · 13-10-2016 05:00PM

OP, leaving aside all of the geographical complications, the main thing that stood out for me here is how he's treating you; very badly.

He's snappy and demeaning towards you in your every day life. He calls you names. Once he was physically abusive. Do you really think that this is what you deserve? When you're sacrificing everything else in your life that you want or could make you happy?

I have been in a serious relationship with an emotionally abusive man who also had major mental health issues. None of his health issues excused his behaviour. Your boyfriend does not get a pass because he isn't well. Do you want to spend your whole life in a relationship this hard with an unkind man? Is this what you envisaged for your life?

Imagine the freedom without him. You could have fun again. Your post made me very sad. You sound like anything BUT horrible. My advice to you would be to leave; go to Australia. Work. Have fun. Go out. Meet people. There's more to relationships than this kind of drudgery.

Edit; presumed genders there! Substitute OH for he/boyfriend.

AntiChew · 13-10-2016 05:19PM

Thank you for all the replies so far, I really do appreciate it.

With regards to one user asking would I consider going with my OH. This isn't really an option, my OH would struggle to get a visa and would be leaving a good job here. Also, they need to keep their job in order to save to return to college. As well as this, I don't think I want to go with my OH, as horrible as I feel saying that. I think we need the break, we're both very young and I feel like the 6 months away would benefit me as much as my OH. My OH can be very reliant on me for many things and I think the break would make them a bit more independent and take a bit of the pressure off me.

I just feel so confused. I really do love my OH. I think they are wonderful; funny, intelligent, thoughtful, attractive and giving. It's just such a pity all of that gets overshadowed so much. I feel like a lot of our relationship has been marred by negatives. My OH's fidelity has come into question a couple of times too, always when alcohol has been involved.

I just don't know what to do, I know this isn't a healthy relationship the way things are; but I gave up a lot to move up here and feel very lost.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-10-2016 05:48PM

At 23 you are bogged down in a demanding relationship and unnecessarily burdening yourself with someone else's problems. Commuting 6 hours a day, 4 days a week was crazy. You say you both love travelling. Yet at 23 you're living in their hometown and can't even go on a night out without getting attitude from your OH?

At 23 you should be using your college education and gaining experience in the area you worked hard to qualify in. You should be finding your feet in the working world and enjoying the social life that comes with it. Instead every move you make is carefully deliberated and thought through with someone else being the main concern. Not you.

Your OH may have mental health issues, but it sounds like they're abusive, and just a downright knob! At 23 in a young relationship it is not your job to be the sole support (and emotional punching bag) of your partner. You say you are afraid of how they'll manage if you go. They don't need you there. They have all their family. You were together away from home and you weren't enough. Moving home was the only option (and why you endured 6 hours commuting a day)

You will feel guilty, because you will be made to feel guilty. If your partner truly loved you they would be grateful for all the sacrifices you have made to this point and they would encourage you to go to Australia for 6 months, assuring you that they are surrounded by family and will continue to work on improving themselves whilst you are away. They may be genuinely upset at the thought of you going, but they would also insist on you doing it. You both love travelling, after all??

At 23 you are so young with not a lot of life experience. So it will be incredibly difficult for you to make the "right" decision here. By trying to do "right" by someone else, you are losing yourself. And no matter what you do it will never be right by a person who doesn't want to see the good. I hope you go Australia. Sometimes in life we need to be selfish, and sometimes we need to be brave and stand up for ourselves. In many ways by tolerating your partners moods and demands you are enabling them to not address their issues.

They are not your sole responsibility. They have to take responsibility for themself and for their treatment of the person they are supposed to love. Unfortunately they very often don't see it like that and use their nearest and dearest to vent on.

Are you the only one they treat badly or do they also treat their family and other friends like that?

Mr. Incognito · 13-10-2016 05:51PM

Dear Lord- What a lot of Drama for 23

I think you are female? Its hard to tell as there is no gender in any of the posts.

My own view is that this person needs to learn to stand on their own two feet and you are enabling them.

They have isolated you from your friends, your famil, nights out and are totally dependant on you. That's fine if they are a 70 year old with Alzheimers and you are married.

I say take a break, get out of this draining relationship and live some of your life. They wont fecking die in the meantime. They need to learn to cope without you or they will never have respect for their nurse.

The abusive and infidelity is red flags. Sounds like this person is totally self absorbed and immature and I cannot see them changing anytime soon.

Live YOUR life, not your partners.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-10-2016 05:54PM

I missed your last post while I was posting mine. Your gut is telling you you need a break from this relationship. The one thing repeated here is listen to your gut. People who don't usually end up regretting it.

Turtle_ · 13-10-2016 06:01PM

Go. You've already sacrificed too much. Go to Australia, go do jobs you enjoy. Travel, have fun, enjoy being young, qualified and free. When you come back you can re-examine the relationship.

daithi7 · 13-10-2016 06:39PM

Leave. Live your dreams in Aus, spread your wings a bit, get your life back.

If you return in a few years and your current OH is still about and available maybe consider him/her and a relationship with them on their merits then. But don't totally give up your aspirations for travel and experiencing life at 23 for a rocky relationship and a flawed partner, both of which are demanding of you in so many ways. Enjoy your life and your youth, and Aus with friends would be brilliant for you I'd say!! Good luck!! Enjoy!!!

AntiChew · 13-10-2016 06:43PM

Thank you all for the replies. I figured any of them would say I should go, I suppose I'm a bit surprised with everybody saying it!

Just regarding the fidelity-this was in the very early stages of our relationship, I am over it and it's not something I worry about now. If it did happen now, I would walk away without hesitation.

I feel bad because I've painted my OH in such a negative light, they really are very good to me in many ways. I suppose other factors are influencing me too, if I put it to my OH that I was going to Oz for 6 months, it wouldn't be for another year, and if they wanted to finish now I'd be gutted.

Also, I am very close to my OH family, and vice versa, I'm conscious of this too.

I think I'm going to bring it up with my OH tonight, my gut is telling me that this, or a similar short term move, is what I want and need. I think I need to take a chance and put it out there and I'm also very aware that my partners response will be very telling. I really hope they are supportive.

Thank you all again, I will post an update tomorrow.

dee_mc · 13-10-2016 06:55PM

Definitely, definitely leave. You need some distance from this relationship - it's all incredibly intense for a 2 year long relationship between a couple of 23 year olds!
Live your life, enjoy 6 months or however long you decide you want away from your partner, and then you can evaluate things with a clear head and a bit of perspective.
You're taking far too much responsibility for their wellbeing and happiness at the moment - do something about your own for a change.

Edit: I assumed genders and now realise genders have not been specified!

Sound Bite · 13-10-2016 07:29PM

Op, please go travelling and leave your OH.

I spend years, on and off in a slightly similar situation and it's draining. I think I might have been guilty of thinking my support was enough to help the person but only they can resolve their issues and only when they want to.

You need a break. How know what will it will pan out but the current situation is not working for you and you need freedom.

AntiChew · 13-10-2016 07:36PM

This is going to be very hard. I really do love my OH

I'm so worried about what will happen if I go. I attempted to finish with my OH before following the incident where they got physical, but they convinced me to come back and I've stayed since. On that occasion, they also attempted to self harm when I left, I'd be very worry something similar would happen if I went away.

Stheno · 13-10-2016 07:42PM

AntiChew wrote: »

This is going to be very hard. I really do love my OH I'm so worried about what will happen if I go. I attempted to finish with my OH before following the incident where they got physical, but they convinced me to come back and I've stayed since. On that occasion, they also attempted to self harm when I left, I'd be very worry something similar would happen if I went away.

Leave anyone who manipulates someone like this is not worth bring around

Turtle_ · 13-10-2016 07:45PM

AntiChew wrote: »

This is going to be very hard. I really do love my OH I'm so worried about what will happen if I go. I attempted to finish with my OH before following the incident where they got physical, but they convinced me to come back and I've stayed since. On that occasion, they also attempted to self harm when I left, I'd be very worry something similar would happen if I went away.

Right now, in the midst of all of what you're going through, you may not realise it but I want to be clear:

You are not responsible for his/her actions.

(S)He is. That was an extremely manipulative reaction. If your OH does self-harm, it's because of their own problems. You say attempted, though. Which to me sounds like it was actually a very successful blackmail bid.

Another thing I want to be clear about:

You are in a manipulative and absuive relationship.

You need to leave. It's unhealthy, you're weighed down. You've been cut off from you friends and family, from the places you know, you're not allowed go for a night out and if you try to leave you get threatened with him/her self-harming. Get out now.

AntiChew · 13-10-2016 07:47PM

Stheno wrote: »

Leave anyone who manipulates someone like this is not worth bring around

I feel like I'm making my OH out to be a lot worse than they are.

My OH is very good too me, I've been out of work the last couple of weeks (short term, new job starting soon) and my OH has always let me know they will help me financially if it's needed. And we do have great times together, we've had great holidays and adventures, we do laugh and play together and are both very affectionate. My OH is very good to me in other ways.

AntiChew · 13-10-2016 08:14PM

I don't think breaking up is an option. I don't know what I'd do, where I'd go, and logistics aside, I love my OH. I know it might not make sense that I'd want to go for 6 months but I don't want to break up. I suppose the going for 6 months would just be to get some breathing space and to look after my own mental health, get myself feeling good again.

I was always a very confident, sociable person, but I'm finding it very hard lately. I get anxious at the thoughts of suggesting a night out because I know the way it will likely end up and going out without my OH is nearly more hassle than it's worth

seenitall · 13-10-2016 08:23PM

Hi op,

Go for those 6 months, it will be the best thing that you can do for your life, bar none.

I'd bet that after 6 months of freedom, away from being guilted and manipulated, nothing will be further from your mind than getting back to your present situation.

You need those 6 months, badly. They will make you see the life that you could have away from toxicity and living to service someone else. Go! It will be the making of you.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-10-2016 08:34PM

If you are close to their family then you get them involved. You cannot live as you are. Yes, you love them and you have great times, but the bad times are enough to bring you here posting looking for advice.

You need to go. For you and for them. You are being controlled. You don't see it now, but you are. Your OH has a mental health issue, but that doesn't preclude them from being an arsehole too! You are 2 young people growing up and finding your way. Just because you were so compatible at the start of your relationship doesn't mean you will always be so similar. It is very possible, and likely at your ages for two people to start growing aoart when they want different things. You want to travel. Your OH wants to stay at home. So you compromise or accept that you no longer want the same things.

Why don't you contact Aware for yourself. They offer a support service to the loved ones of people suffering with depression.

Edit: also, your own family and friends will have noticed a change in you. They will have noticed you not being as confident and bubbly and sociable as you used to be. And they'll know the cause of it.

For God's sake, OP, you're 23. You should be living life. Not hiding away afraid to suggest what is taken for granted by your peers. You know this isn't right. You just need to get the courage to put a stop to it. But get support in place first. Involve his family.

AntiChew · 13-10-2016 08:54PM

Reading the replies and how serious they are really has me panicking that I've made this out to be worse than it is.

I'm not in anyway afraid of my OH, I know they got physical once and it was with alcohol, but I don't think they would seriously hurt me. On that occasion I do think alcohol was the reason it happened because they've never done that sober. The only time my OH is ever very very abusive verbally is with alcohol. Other than that it's usually just sly comments or digs, but I have started to pull my OH on this as a big issue because I think that's what's hurting my confidence.

I really wasn't expecting the replies to be of this manner and do fear I've made things out to be worse than they are, or myself to be perfect.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-10-2016 09:01PM

Regardless of whether or not people are over reacting to your explanation of the situation, the fact is you are 23 years old. You've sacrificed a lot in a very short time and you have an opportunity to do something you love.

Take everything else out of your post and the advice from people would still be that you should go.

Your title is 'Am I horrible'? Why do you specifically ask that? You're 23. The older you get and the more responsibility you accumulate the less likely you are to have another chance to do this. It's 6 months. You want to do it. You're young enough, fit enough and qualified enough. Nothing (or no-one) should stop you.

Skibunny77 · 13-10-2016 09:22PM

OP, I understand that you are concerned you have portrayed your OH in a negative light. You haven't - you have clearly told us he is loving, does a lot for you, can be very kind. You also have told us that he name calls, has been physically abusive, has possibly cheated, has put his own needs first, in terms of living in a very inconvenient location, is controlling of your time and privacy (becoming 'huffy' when you are out at nights) and seems reluctant to understand why you want to build a new life in the new area.

Your OH is happier when you are isolated and dependent upon him. Many of the behaviours you have described are abusive. This does not mean that he can't also show kindness, warmth and support at other times. It means he is capable of both types of behaviours. You have become increasingly isolated and more focused on his needs throughout the relationship. Please read 'How he gets into her head' by Don Hennessy. You have literally written the grooming pattern of a man who emotionally and physically abuses women. Again, this does not mean that some of his actions can't be lovely, warm etc. But some is not enough. Your relationship revolves around you putting his needs first at all or most times. Your partner has gone to counselling, I highly recommend you go to one. Love will not change this man. It has changed you. Please make space in your life to understand why you are in this relationship, and how your life will look, if he doesn't change (which is highly unlikely). Best of luck.

JustAThought · 13-10-2016 11:59PM

Your OH may be kind and fun & you may love them deeply but tbh it dosn't sound as though they or their family are considering you and your needs, wellbeing & health in this. You have loved them, put their needs first, moved, isolated yourself socially & geograpgically & given up a great opportunity and possibly career choice for ghem. Because they are not happy otherwise?

Go to Australia. It will be your bravest move yet.

You are 23 - this is a classic abusive, guilt laden, controlling person. So they are also lovely and mentally ill - as well as the alcohol issues & poor sex & lack of consideration. You are begging for 12 nights out a year with them but look at all you have given up. It sounds like a tale from a 1950's arranged marriage. You may love the idea of them ( if they were different, if they were less abusive, if they were less selfish, less everything) but they are rigid, inflexible, selfish & totally controlling as we as not capable if having a fair, adult relationship. S/he is mentally ill and is NOT your responsibility for life because you love them & wish they were not ill. You are far too young for your boy/girl friends parents to be saddling you with this burden & allowing you to suffer all these hardships.where are they in this - it is totally unfair on you. Perhaps the apple does not fall far from the tree in your OH's case. Its time to stop giving into your boy/girl friend & abandoning all your dreams - job, career, sex, social life, laughter, friends, community, happiness. Let your OH get the help they clearly need and/or start up their college course and do not allow them or their family to blame you by you following your dream . You have already lost so much, made so many sacrifices & given up so much. . You DESERVE and are entitled to a beautiful happy life filled with enjoyable nights out, laughter, happy choices, dancing & joy, relaxing with other friends and the career you have worked for - as well as a b/ g friend that brings good into your life. Not this misery - you deserve better and are worth much more. Just because you fell in love with them and maybe still love an aslect of ghem dies not mean that st 23 you are saddled with them for ghe next 2/3/5/10/20 years. You can love & wish well from afar as they develope, get mental health help or mature. Leave your phone at home & go to Australia, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.
You deserve better. Love at 23 is not supposed to be this torture.
Go, follow your path, live your dream - it is not all about their wants & needs and you have already given too much.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 12:19AM

JustAThought wrote: »

go to Australia, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Right now you don't know how true this is.
During college and the years after I didn't go travelling like most of my friends did. I just had no interest. 20 years later I regret not doing it. It's not something that eats me up, but it is something I wish I had pushed myself to do. And that's coming from someone who never had any desire to go anywhere!

If it's something you actually would really like to do and experience you will regret it if you don't. Life is long, OP. You have approximately 60 years ahead of you to regret not doing the things you wanted to do, when you had the opportunity to do them.

sirwin357 · 14-10-2016 12:59AM

Hello
Nothing long winded or preachy. I'm 50. At 25 I was in an accident, suffice to say I died for a few minutes. I literally had been out of the country once on a school trip to Liverpool. At 25 I was engaged to a wonderful caring girl. I had what you would describe as a wonderful job. I worked in a hospice. After my accident I was given the choice. Corrective surgery or just go on as I am. I was not horribly disfigured as some people are. A few scars on my face. What I had was an epifany. I didn't see the light or hear trumpets. It was more of a wake up call. There was a programme on UTV called WISH YOU WERE HERE with Judith Chalmers. It was about the upcoming Oscars in Los Angeles. I kinda thought my life was planned out and that was it. You know what I mean, you are in so you have to stay in. Well the show aired on Thursday. On Friday morning I went to Thomas Cooke's on Grafton St. Booked my ticket on a flight to LA. I ended up staying in a motel in Inglewood. I knew no one and stayed in south central LA. I can say in all honesty waking up , going to the 7/11, riding a taxi and a cable car to the hills being almost scared ****less was the most empowering thing I have ever done. After 1 month I decided not to come home. I went to live in The Canaries then to France and then to Boston. Along the way I had many many adventures and indeed misadventures. At 50 I do miss the companionship. But I swear to God I wouldn't swop for anything. My point is this. Travel. Broaden your mind,meet people. And when you get tired GO HOME. Because you can always go home.

mapaca · 14-10-2016 01:00AM

Some excellent advice here OP, I've nothing further to add, except that I agree: you sound miserable and I think you should go. Best of luck.

magneticimpulse · 14-10-2016 01:44AM

Life is short!!? You've plenty of years to do old boring fart stuff like stay at home. why are you wasting that opportunity to travel? You will not be the same person you are now at 23 when you are 26, 28, 32, 35 etc. you might even look back and cringe at thing you do now in years to come,

You will miss everything in life if you don't like be the adventure now and travel. I don't know wh you want to be 23 going on 63?

magneticimpulse · 14-10-2016 01:47AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Right now you don't know how true this is.
During college and the years after I didn't go travelling like most of my friends did. I just had no interest. 20 years later I regret not doing it. It's not something that eats me up, but it is something I wish I had pushed myself to do. And that's coming from someone who never had any desire to go anywhere!

If it's something you actually would really like to do and experience you will regret it if you don't. Life is long, OP. You have approximately 60 years ahead of you to regret not doing the things you wanted to do, when you had the opportunity to do them.

60 years ahead? The op has about 40 years ahead if lucky..,don't know where you think we all live til 100!!! Life is short. I'm guessing you are very young as if you were anywhere over 30....you would understand one day you turned 21 and the next 40

Flippyfloppy · 14-10-2016 07:16AM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

60 years ahead? The op has about 40 years ahead if lucky..,don't know where you think we all live til 100!!! Life is short. I'm guessing you are very young as if you were anywhere over 30....you would understand one day you turned 21 and the next 40

The Op is 23!!!

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2016 08:23AM

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I'm guessing you are very young as if you were anywhere over 30....you would understand one day you turned 21 and the next 40

I'll be 40 next year. And yes, I was only 21 about 3 years ago!! The OP is 23. Not unreasonable to think she'll live into her 80s.. which is 60 years time.

That's a long long time to sit around in your OH's home town isolated, underappreciated and regretful of not doing the exciting things when you were young enough, and independent enough to do them.

And as for Life is short V Life is long...

All depends on what you spend your life doing.

Am I horrible?

Comments