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Does anyone else get worried when their partner goes drinking without you?

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Comments

  • #62
    SarahMollie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,841 ✭✭✭SarahMollie


    To answer the origional question - do I get worried when he's out drinking without me? No.

    It happens every few weeks so I don't know if I'd live with the stress if I had to worry each time.

    My main concerns with him are;

    -will he come home without his jacket/wallet etc (drunk tendency to leave things behind)
    -will he wake me up stinking of cigarettes (I'm a non smoker but he's a social smoker)
    -will be bring the cat up to our bed for a cuddle (this is virtually a certainty)

    I'd say we go out together with all our friends as much as he sometimes goes out with the lads. I know all the lads well and their respective wives and girlfriends.

    If he was giving me the kind of worries you seem to be having, I'm not sure I'd put up with it.


  • #63
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    @silverbolt.. Im beginning to think you are right. You seem to have a balance which is normal but the scales seemed to be tipped dramatically in my case. He priorities his chosen sport and dedicates his weekend and free time to this. He has told me his sport comes first before and he makes his plans with me around that which hurts.. a lot.


  • #64
    Musketeer4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 657 ✭✭✭Musketeer4


    kkcuckoo wrote: »
    @silverbolt.. Im beginning to think you are right. You seem to have a balance which is normal but the scales seemed to be tipped dramatically in my case. He priorities his chosen sport and dedicates his weekend and free time to this. He has told me his sport comes first before and he makes his plans with me around that which hurts.. a lot.

    OK op, I have a fuller appreciation of your situation now. Even on the basis of the bolded part, I think you should dump him. Someone who prioritises their hobby above their "partner" is not geniuniely interested in a relationship.

    What if you became ill or pregnant? "Sorry, no can do, I have a sport thing so figure something out"

    He sounds like a bit of an arsehole to be honest.


  • #65
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    He priorities his chosen sport and dedicates his weekend and free time to this. He has told me his sport comes first before and he makes his plans with me around that which hurts.. a lot.

    It's not just a hurtful thing to say. It's downright disrespectful. You're way down his list of priorities and you've got to ask why. My guess is that he likes you well enough as a diversion and as a guaranteed sh&g. So he throws you some crumbs. You've shown to date that you're prepared to put up with this second rate treatment so it's win win for him. I doubt he'd miss you much if you were gone. It's not as if you're a significant part of his day to day life anyway. Let him off to play his sport and go on benders with the lads. Instead of wasting your time and your heart on him, find someone who does care.


  • #66
    osarusan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,839 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    OP, I don't really think your concern about his behaviour when he goes out is justified - it seems to be just paranoia.

    But separate from that, the relationship doesn't seem to offer you much and I wonder why you are still in it.


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  • #67
    SemenInMyEyes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19 ✭SemenInMyEyes


    OP. I know many people who have had insecurity destroy perfectly healthy and good relationships through irrational jealousy and insecurity. Don't be that girl. Life is too short. Either trust your partner or break up and move on. No point in worrying about this. Breaking up might be tough but it will spare you the pain in the long run. Having said that I think breakup is not the solution and the problem here is you. Any people value privacy. I don't tell my other half everything. It is just not necessary.


  • #68
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    But what about the fact that he has told her she is not as important as his sport? Or his friends for that matter?


  • #69
    Augme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,628 ✭✭✭Augme


    Musketeer4 wrote: »
    OK op, I have a fuller appreciation of your situation now. Even on the basis of the bolded part, I think you should dump him. Someone who prioritises their hobby above their "partner" is not geniuniely interested in a relationship.

    What if you became ill or pregnant? "Sorry, no can do, I have a sport thing so figure something out"

    He sounds like a bit of an arsehole to be honest.


    He's an arsehole for being honest? That seems a bit ridiculous.

    OP, like it or not, he's most likely been playing his sport/hobby a lot longer than he has known you and that's his first priority. He was honest with you about it from the being and yet you still decided to pursue things. You need to accept this is how things will be, and if you don't like it then you need to finish it.

    Either way I'd recommend finishing it. Currently you really don't seem to be in a good mental state for a relationship. If you do finish it I'd strongly recommend getting some councilling first before you even consider dating again. I can't really see you ever being happy as things stand.


  • #70
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    But what about the fact that he has told her she is not as important as his sport? Or his friends for that matter?

    I have to disagree with people on this and say he is right to continue his sport and put it above a girl he's known for a few months as its important to him and a very healthy hobby to have.

    I agree that drink and his friends shouldn't come above a relationship and op needs to accept this isn't working for her and walk away.


  • #71
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I don't think anyone is saying he should ditch his friends or his sport. I personally don't think anybody should if they enter into a relationship. In this case I don't believe either of them is on the same page regarding what they want.


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  • #72
    Alf Veedersane
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,770 ✭✭✭✭Alf Veedersane


    He shouldn't ditch his sport or his friends but it appears he's made little effort to make time for the OP, based on what I've read.

    It reads as though there is an accumulation of things feeding into the OP's insecurity, some of which are of the OP's making but it doesn't sound like he's done anything to help matters.


  • #73
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I would never ask or expect him to ditch his friends or his sport.. they shape who he is and i respect that. All I ask is for a balance. For eg, we can only see each other weekends yet on occasion i might not see him for 2 weeks because he will go on a two day bender leaving no time to see me. I dont care about him going out my insecurities are a separate issue but I dont feel its fair that I should have to be pushed out because of this. Why not find a balance and do both. Is this fair of me to ask or am i being selfish? Because I really dont know!


  • #74
    batmanrobin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    Augme wrote: »
    OP, like it or not, he's most likely been playing his sport/hobby a lot longer than he has known you and that's his first priority.

    Definitely think both parties to a relationship should have outside interests. However, you can't be in a relationship and prioritise other things/people over your partner. It just doesn't work that way. There's a fine line and I'd say the OP's bf has crossed it.


  • #75
    silverbolt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 362 ✭✭silverbolt


    batmanrobin wrote: »
    Definitely think both parties to a relationship should have outside interests. However, you can't be in a relationship and prioritise other things/people over your partner. It just doesn't work that way. There's a fine line and I'd say the OP's bf has crossed it.

    I agree, My partner is currently very active with coursework and socialising but she always makes time for me. She cant be with me every second of the day but she always priorities our time together


  • #76
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Am I being unreasonable about this?
    kkcuckoo wrote: »
    I would never ask or expect him to ditch his friends or his sport.. they shape who he is and i respect that. All I ask is for a balance. For eg, we can only see each other weekends yet on occasion i might not see him for 2 weeks because he will go on a two day bender leaving no time to see me. I dont care about him going out my insecurities are a separate issue but I dont feel its fair that I should have to be pushed out because of this. Why not find a balance and do both. Is this fair of me to ask or am i being selfish? Because I really dont know!


  • #77
    cactusgal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 830 ✭✭✭cactusgal


    Why are you with him, OP? He doesn't sound nice, or interested in you.
    Sorry to sound harsh, but why are you with him?


  • #78
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Every relationship is different. What any of us wants and what you want may not match at all. If you're not happy with how often you see your boyfriend and don't like how you're treated, then that's something to talk about to him. You're the one going out with him. It's your relationship.


  • #79
    Alf Veedersane
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,770 ✭✭✭✭Alf Veedersane


    Your boyfriend seems to meet up with you on his terms and when he wants. I could he wrong but it reads like you fill a gap. You're never a priority.

    If you have spoken to him about this and nothing has changed, then it's over.

    If you haven't spoken to him about it, then you need to have a talk. It might not end well but at least you won't be wasting your time.


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