Does anyone else get worried when their partner goes drinking without you?

Ursus Horribilis · 12-09-2016 12:25AM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

Obviously I am not going to sit outside in the car watching him to come home after a night out.. that is a ridiculous statement to make.

I was being flippant. But as the others have pointed out, you are coming across as being quite controlling and paranoid. Why is it that you don't trust him? Do you think he's not quite committed to the relationship and would leave if someone else came along?

I just feel more secure hearing from him. I think it is common courtesy as he knows I will be home worrying. I always text him. As for him not texting me at all when hes out, honestly I dont expect him to be on the phone but ignoring me is a bit Irish too.

But you are in effect expecting him to be on the phone. And you've got to ask yourself what will it achieve? Replying to your texts does not guarantee he won't get with some other woman.

And as for the remark about him not telling me about going out becuase he was afraid.. ask yourself how you would feel if you didnt hear from your bf all day and only found out he was out drinking on a two day bender when you asked him what he was out and I doubt you would be very happy either. I personally think it was sly not to tell me

He probably didn't tell you because you'd chew the ears off him. Or because he's not as invested in the relationship? I can't quite get a handle on what's going on here but this relationship is bringing out your inner crazy lady in a big big way. I honestly couldn't say which of you is in the wrong - if there is a wrong - but it's looking like your relationship has a fundamental problem. Trust.

DukeOfTheSharp · 12-09-2016 12:36AM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

I feel its both insecurity and because of his friends. it sounds so sill and immature but Im sure some girls can empathize. On the other hand it lies with him. He knows I worry and gave reassurance and we acknowledged its my issue. But we haven spoken since yesterday morning because he didn't tell me when he was going out (he only mentioned it in a text the day before) and told me when he was on the way. He also didn't even tell me where he was staying because he didn't know he just said probably one of the lads. I feel he should be making more of an effort since he knows how I feel and he was a little bit selfish. Am I being dramatic thinking that?

Look OP, here's the long and short of it: your issues aside, the lad seems to have a very liberal approach to the relationship that doesn't mesh with you. At the point where he danced around where he was staying (because, come on, who doesn't know where they're staying after a night out?) and he didn't contact you after two days of drinking, that's the point where you should end it. Your 'insecurities' are only going to be made worse by his actions - it's a chicken-egg scenario - and lads like that are a massive headache. You came here for advice, but you're getting dogpiled and that's unhelpful. Whatever you may feel, it can be dealt with...just not while you're with this lad. This needs to be handled in order of importance; step one is that you end things immediately, because it's not worth the hassle and you'll drive yourself mad. Step two; go to a counselor and try to identify what triggers these feelings in you. This guy and his mates are toxic by nature, his lifestyle doesn't mesh with yours and you're falling into the classic trap of being painted as the 'insecure gf' when in reality your boyf is staunchly against helping you work through this...as really, suggesting counselling would be my first avenue for dealing with this. Basically, you two are oil and water, and he'll bring out the absolute worst in you if you continue this on. Take time to focus on yourself and deal with your emotions/perspective, it's the only way of avoiding this kind of situation again.

silverbolt · 12-09-2016 03:10PM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

Obviously I am not going to sit outside in the car watching him to come home after a night out.. that is a ridiculous statement to make.

I just feel more secure hearing from him. I think it is common courtesy as he knows I will be home worrying. I always text him. As for him not texting me at all when hes out, honestly I dont expect him to be on the phone but ignoring me is a bit Irish too. And as for the remark about him not telling me about going out becuase he was afraid.. ask yourself how you would feel if you didnt hear from your bf all day and only found out he was out drinking on a two day bender when you asked him what he was out and I doubt you would be very happy either. I personally think it was sly not to tell me

this sets off a massive red flag to me. I had an ex like you but way way worse. this woman checked up on me constantly, haragued me when i was out, if i didnt reply in a time frame she was comfortable with (even at work) shes sent me passive aggressive "you ok?" texts basically telling me text her back.

What you do - is NOT what he does. He is clearly more liberal than you are (im not going into his friends antics merely on what youve told us) and you can not deal with this. I can empathise with him - I too reached the point where i was afraid to tell my ex partner anything.

The xmas before we broke up I finished up early from work and myself and two lads went for a quick drink after work. I was driving so on the cola. I feverently hoped that we would finish early so that i could go to the pub with two friends (male fyi) in the space of time from when i finished early to my usual time of finishing. about 45 minutes. 45 minutes i stole for myself, i was afraid to tell my partner because i knew what i would get and was constantly watching the clock to make sure i left on time.

That is the level of insecurity I was dealing with. I am not a cheat, I've never been a cheat but it wasnt good enough for this woman. I do not know you and i dont know how far down the road this is for you.

End it - because i guarantee you no matter how nice this guy is, no matter how understanding - if he does not get any improvement out of this he will leave. And that will be down to you.

You need to make this right for you and be happy in yourself. Your insecurity will not just destroy your relationship, it will destroy you and you will never be happy. With anyone. Because you will always always see demons where there are none

Big Bag of Chips · 12-09-2016 06:05PM

Texting you on a night out isn't going to guarantee fidelity! Sure he could usend you "having a great night, see you tomorrow" in about 5 seconds and spend the rest of the night chatting some young one up. He could text you at 2am saying "home now, getting in to bed" and it could be any bed!!

Honestly, OP, you're driving yourself mad. I think the "regular lads' nights" thing is just too much for you. Would you be happier with someone with less of a social life? Still a social life, but not out in clubs and pubs with a group of lads who are constantly on the pull?

Your posts are starting to coming across a little frantic. Is this relationship really worth it? You have to recognise that if he's out and you're at home, the hours are ticking slowly by for you while you sit and wait and hope he'll think of texting you. Whereas for him, the hours are flying by because he's out having a bit of craic. You're in two completely different situations.

I'm not sure if I missed it, or if you didn't say how long you are together? But either you get yourself under control or you admit that it's too much for you and it's causing you too much upset. You are both entitled to be different people and have different expectations. The problem comes when you try to force something that just isn't fitting. You're entitled to your feelings and to want your boyfriend to behave in a certain way... You are not entitled to force somebody into behaving the way you believe they should! If you want a certain type of boyfriend, you find him! You don't find a different type and try change him.

I don't think that worked for anyone, ever!!

LegacyUser · 12-09-2016 06:50PM

thank you for your replies. I appreciate the advice and will take it on board, try sort my self out and take it from there. However two posters have used the word "liberal" to describe him. Im not 100% sure what this means so could someone elaborate perhaps?

One last question I want opinions on.. we can only see each other on weekends due to our schedules but sometimes when he goes on these nights out he makes no time for me at all on the weekends and I dont see him for two. If this normal or ok?

meeeeh · 12-09-2016 08:18PM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

One last question I want opinions on.. we can only see each other on weekends due to our schedules but sometimes when he goes on these nights out he makes no time for me at all on the weekends and I dont see him for two. If this normal or ok?

I wouldn't be happy about that at all. I still think there is no point panicking about who he is out with. However I think it is annoying when you are with someone and looking forward to seeing them for the weekend and then they hit you with oh sorry not gonna happen I am going on two day drinking bender. I actually don't think you need a therapist and god knows what else but because of how both of you are acting the relationship isn't working. I'be been in long distance relationship at the beginning with my partner and it's definitely much harder when you see someone sporadically. Not necessarily wondering about cheating (in my case) but other insecurities creep in when you don't see someone for a while or when they don't respond to your messages.

Ursus Horribilis · 12-09-2016 08:32PM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

...

One last question I want opinions on.. we can only see each other on weekends due to our schedules but sometimes when he goes on these nights out he makes no time for me at all on the weekends and I don't see him for two. If this normal or ok?

Well, it would help explain why you're so insecure. If you can only see each other at weekends and he's disappearing on these benders, it would certainly make anyone question the relationship. There's enough in the little bits of information you've given us to make me wonder are the two of you on the page when it comes to the relationship. You didn't say what age he is but he seems to be at an age where going out with the lads is still a priority. Perhaps he isn't yet ready to settle down (with you?)

njs030 · 12-09-2016 08:55PM

That changes things quite a lot.
Why do you only see each other at weekends, are you long distance? Really if that's his only chance to see you and he'd prefer to go drinking it says he doesn't think very much of the relationship so your insecurities make more sense.

I think you know something is wrong and your pinning it on "cheating or other women" rather than what seems to be a clear case of he's just not that invested in you.

Whatever the reasons you need to break up, he's bringing out the very worst in you and you could do so much better than a man who prefers drinking with his mates to you.

LegacyUser · 13-09-2016 06:54PM

I know I sound like I have issues when he goes out and yes I do have trust issues but I have no problem with him going out and would never stop him but I think it is only fair and right that he spend some part of the weekend with me aswell since we dont see each other during the week.

We are not LDR but around 40 mins from each other and with work/college commitments it makes it difficult to meet weekends. These commitments can also come in to play at weekends too..

Penny Tration · 13-09-2016 09:30PM

Hmm. OP, i still 100% disagree with your expectations of contact. However, him not seeing you for two weeks at a time? Nope, that's not right. If he only sees you once a week, he should be planning his other stuff around that, not cancelling on you anytime he gets a better offer.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-09-2016 09:38PM

What are you getting from the relationship that keeps you hanging around? How often would it happen that you don't see each other for 2 weeks? You're very unhappy. You're stressed and annoyed. Why not take a break from each other until college is done? It doesn't seem like a fantastic relationship from what you've described, so I think it might be one of those ones that it's not worth the effort it is taking, for now. Maybe later.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2016 05:14PM

I am happy with him but our situation does impede us seeing each other as frequent as we may like. The two week thing wouldnt happen often but he never make definite arrangement until near the weekend because he may have a match or training etc and that takes precedence which I understand as this sport means a lot to him. But sometimes I do feel like Im nearly bothering him by asking to see me

Tigger99 · 15-09-2016 10:56AM

You might be happy with him but you certainly aren't happy with the situation. Is he ever proactive in arranging dates? He sounds like he couldn't be arsed about the relationship quite frankly.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-09-2016 11:55AM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

But sometimes I do feel like Im nearly bothering him by asking to see me

Why is this?

silverbolt · 15-09-2016 01:35PM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

I am happy with him but our situation does impede us seeing each other as frequent as we may like. The two week thing wouldnt happen often but he never make definite arrangement until near the weekend because he may have a match or training etc and that takes precedence which I understand as this sport means a lot to him. But sometimes I do feel like Im nearly bothering him by asking to see me

you shouldnt feel like this. Yes it might not always be reasonable or doable to meet up but you should never feel like youre bothering your partner by asking to see them.

That i think is more insecurity coming through - its your lack of self worth at play here.

Irish_Elect_Eng · 15-09-2016 09:42PM

Sound Bite wrote: »

You couldn't know with 100% certainty. Nobody can say that. You can only know that it is unlikely to happen but to say you have certainty is naive.

There is a difference between 100% factual knowledge that a person will not cheat and a 100% emotional certainty in a partners mind that they will not cheat.

In a really trusting relationship you are "100% certain" even if statistically there is a possibility, you just chose to believe that your partner would not break trust with you.

If you are in a relationship and you your partner is late home from a night out and your first thought is "are they cheating" not "are they Ok" then there is a problem.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-09-2016 10:23PM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

I am happy with him but our situation does impede us seeing each other as frequent as we may like. The two week thing wouldn't happen often but he never make definite arrangement until near the weekend because he may have a match or training etc and that takes precedence which I understand as this sport means a lot to him. But sometimes I do feel like I'm nearly bothering him by asking to see me

Were you ever in a situation where you weren't only seeing each other at weekends? Because from what I can see, he's playing at boyfriends and girlfriends rather than being in an actual relationship. This is a horrible thing to say in the circumstances but I wonder is he keeping you sweet so that you're a guaranteed shag at the weekends?

What exactly are you getting from this relationship? You're only seeing him at weekends and even then he's going out with his mates. Sometimes on big benders. He's not open about where he's going. His behaviour is making you feel horribly insecure. My guess is that your feeling stem from knowing that he isn't particularly bothered about you or the relationship.

cactusgal · 15-09-2016 10:41PM

To echo the other posters, he doesn't seem terribly interested in you, sorry. Is this the kind of relationship you want?

Lux23 · 16-09-2016 04:39PM

I do get worried. Not because he would do anything with a girl, just that he sometimes and eegit with drink and has been beaten up occasionally. But he has some ground rules now like not drinking spirits and he gotten much better. I normally just try and forget about it when he is out because I only end up making myself anxious for no reason (most of the time).

LegacyUser · 16-09-2016 04:45PM

We have a good relationship other than this. Just sometimes I dont like asking are we meeting this weekend because I am afraid it will be a no due to training or a night out etc. In addition we never have nights out together. We go on dates the whole time but never drinking together with each others mates. I dont drink so dont go out ever weekend but have no problem going out and not drinking. He always says its a lads only night when hes going. This also bothers me.I know its trivial and childish but it guts me when I see pictures of couples (in both 20s and 30s) on social media on nights out when we have only ever had about 2/3 in 8 months. I also see his friends (male) doing this and I long to be able to do the same. Am I being silly for feeling this?

Big Bag of Chips · 16-09-2016 07:49PM

Ok, he doesn't want you to go on his lads' night? Would he go along on a night out with you and your friends?

I think in every relationship there has to be compromise. But the compromising needs to be fairly even. One person always compromising what they want for the other person isn't compromising! It's being walked on.

Ursus Horribilis · 16-09-2016 08:08PM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

We have a good relationship other than this. Just sometimes I dont like asking are we meeting this weekend because I am afraid it will be a no due to training or a night out etc. In addition we never have nights out together. We go on dates the whole time but never drinking together with each others mates. I dont drink so dont go out ever weekend but have no problem going out and not drinking. He always says its a lads only night when hes going. This also bothers me.I know its trivial and childish but it guts me when I see pictures of couples (in both 20s and 30s) on social media on nights out when we have only ever had about 2/3 in 8 months. I also see his friends (male) doing this and I long to be able to do the same. Am I being silly for feeling this?

Have you ever met his friends? Or has he ever met yours? Have you ever tried to organise a night out with some of your friends?

LegacyUser · 16-09-2016 08:22PM

Yes I have met some of his friends, his closest ones. I have asked him but he said he feels out of place as he doesnt know them and would feel outnumbered. He prefers to meet me and my friends with him and his on nights out as opposed to us going out together or with each others friends. He said thats he way he and it is and so far this has happened about 2-3 times

njs030 · 16-09-2016 08:47PM

Op can I ask in what way you think you have a great relationship?
You say you go on loads of dates, but you also say you only see each other at weekends and he regularly cancels to play sport or have a lads night.
He refuses to go on a night out with you and doesn't want to include you in his friends night.
You don't feel comfortable asking to make plans and when he goes out you sit at home worrying he's cheating.

All this and it's only been 8 months? When someone really cares about you they make time for you.
Op I'll repeat what I said before and then I'm leaving this thread because you're not taking in that everyone is saying similar things- he's not that invested in you or the relationship, maybe partly because of the constant need for reassurance or any other reason
You are way more into it than he is unfortunately, try and see that and get out before he ends it over the jealousy. You seem really nice and worth more.

Edited as it didn't make sense!

Dial Hard · 17-09-2016 12:38AM

Honestly, OP, when I first started reading this thread I genuinely thought you were uber-paranoid. Because no, I've never felt scared or crazy or anything like that when my partner was out without me.

However, from what you've said about your relationship there are pressing issues at play.

Have a good, honest sit-down talk together but, tbh, I reckon you're just not suited.

leggo · 17-09-2016 07:35AM

I've been reading along with this and holding off replying because, while I shared others' opinion that you were sounding one way, I kinda suspected there was a reason behind it (no smoke without fire and all). And sure enough...

OP, I'm sorry, but this isn't a relationship. I think you're mad about the idea of this guy and what you think/hope this relationship can be, and is at times, but then seem to spend the rest of your time stressing about how it's failing to meet your needs.

Regardless of whether he's right or wrong for not texting, in a healthy relationship there's a click or compromise there were both parties are satisfied by how much the other texts etc in these situations. For me, for example, I like when I'm out with a girl and she'll text me when she gets home, just because I wanna know she's safe. That's my only real 'condition'. I don't want her texting me on a night out or where she is (I'll hear all about it when I see her next if it's worth hearing about) but I also like to get a sense of her life and routine so we can build a routine for when to talk, text etc ourselves without intruding on the other's life. I like to feel a part of her life so I'd hate being shut out like you are, but I don't need to know where she is at every juncture either.

The reality is that you guys don't mesh with this stuff. And that's bad because this stuff is level 1 for relationships, it's about as basic as it gets beyond "what chipper are we ordering from?" If you can't do this well, it's extremely unlikely you'll be able to do the more serious, challenging stuff well. In short, there's probably no real future here.

And so what? You're both young and sound like you're figuring all this stuff out for yourselves anyway. I doubt you're gonna dump this guy, at least right now, so all I'll say is to at least prepare yourself for this inevitability eventually so that when you figure it out for yourself it's not too much of a blow and you can learn from it.

Musketeer4 · 21-09-2016 12:25PM

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Honestly OP, given how this is affecting you, I haven't the foggiest why you're still with this lad. I mean, you know his mates regularly cheat on their long-term girlfriends, and that's the soup your bf has been swimming in for a long time. Regardless of what people might think, you can tell a lot about someone from the quality of their friends. If you don't trust him now, you'll only get worse, and honestly...do you really want to be with someone knowing that's the kind of social circle they have? And what about meeting the other lad's girlfriends? Imagine how horrible that is for you, knowing what you know! And you'd be worried sick you'd be in the same position as them.

This sounds like a headwreck in the making and that's not healthy. You don't trust him so end it, save yourself a headache and find someone whose social circles don't include habitual cheaters. If you've got some sense that something isn't right, trust it.

Thats a bit extreme do you not think? He might be a really good faithful guy but your are saying she should dump him just based on some possibility and her insecurity? Madness imo.

For my example, I am with my gf nearly 2 years, love her to bits but I'd go out with my friends from home maybe once a month or 6 weeks. One of them in particular is a complete horn dog and would get up on the fridge.
I'd never comtemplate cheating despite said friend often suggesting that I should "try" such and such a person. I just laugh it off as his usual horny ramblings! GF knows the score with this friend's promiscuity.

Are you suggesting she dump me because one of my friends happens to be a casual sex lunatic?

LegacyUser · 21-09-2016 01:37PM

I understand you muskateer and you make a valid point.. however do you mind me asking how often you both go out together as a couple or do you only go out (to a pub) solo? Because we never go on nights out despite my requests its always "lads only" nights

Musketeer4 · 21-09-2016 02:51PM

We probably hang out or go out as a couple 3 times a week. Usually a sleepover on a Friday or occasionally one day during the week.
As a couple we wouldn't really be big pub goers as in drinking nights out as niether of us drink. Moreso out for tea,stroll, dinner, cinema etc. We'd go to pubs usually as part of a bigger group for a birthday or something.
My friends would be typical pub goers though. A night out with them is generally pubs. Gf is usually welcome to come but she doesn't drink and isn't into gallivanting and getting puked on at 2am. But then other times I might just want to go out with a friend on his own.
Similarly, I sometimes go out with GF and her friends but I understand if she might prefer just a girls night.
Bringing a GF/BF along changes the dynamic.

silverbolt · 22-09-2016 07:38AM

kkcuckoo wrote: »

I understand you muskateer and you make a valid point.. however do you mind me asking how often you both go out together as a couple or do you only go out (to a pub) solo? Because we never go on nights out despite my requests its always "lads only" nights

Myself and my partner go out without each other (her more than me as shes in uni and I'm working and live in a small town)

However we always make time for us. as much as we can.

OP youre being taken for a doormat here. he needs to wake up and realise that he cant have it on his terms only. You need to tell him that he actually needs to start prioritising you as well

Does anyone else get worried when their partner goes drinking without you?

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