Stupid Dad!!

DriftingRain

I am so angered that I hope this all comes out right. I am so glad to have Boards.ie to vent to on occasions. I am 23. I have two brothers that are 18 (Jason) and 21 (Luke). My brother Luke is a roofer, when he can hold a job. Jason just graduated from high school and is about to start college in the fall. And in all this lies my problem. Friday afternoon all of my family members from other states came to Alabama to attend Jason's graduation. My father is an alcoholic and started drinking about 3:00 p.m. Friday afternoon. He had a 12 pack gone by 7:00 p.m.. He was late to graduation and embarrassed the rest of us(not to mention that he was wearing a navy blue suit with a cream colored shirt and socks EKKK) This is such an on-going thing with him. So we just blew it off with only a small chewing to him. Then later on that night I threw a small party for my little brother and his friends. I bought this keg of beer and gathered car keys from the drinkers like a good girl, when whoa and behold HE pulls in the driveway and starts to somewhat crash the party with his loud and extremely close talking mouth. He had I know of 5 cups of beer. I saw him stagger towards the car and yelled for Luke to go get him. He then tells my brother that "HE can handle the car" and that "He is going to the motel". By this time all 3 of us are there tring to convince him to stay in my spare bedroom and just sleep it off. Oh no that must have been to much to ask of him cause he left. I called the motel an hour after he left and he still had not checked in. We were all 3 worried by then. I feel the sorriest for my little brother Jason because it WAS HIS graduation and the poor thing didn't even get to enjoy it. He ended up getting caught by the police and obtained a DUI(Driving Under The Influence). They let him have his one phone call about 3:00 a.m. When all he could mutter was "Come Get me and They got me" It makes me so angry!!!Why do alcoholics do this to people they are to care about? He is still in jail today as the officer told me yesterday that this is his 9th DUI and it is now considered a Fedreal Offence. He don't realize that if he has to serve any time in jail he is going to lose his job and EVERYTHING he has obtained through the years. He has a condo on the beach, owns a piece of a golf course, and several rental properties. My brothers and I can not afford to keep up everything for him? What are we to do. I feel guilty that I can't help more. But I feel that he must help hisself before anyone can help him, and that his getting arrested is the best thing to happen to him. Am I wrong to feel this way? Anyways for those that read thanks for letting me vent. I will go on to studder through thoughts.
Candi :rolleyes:

Silent Bob

There isn't really anything much you can do. He is an adult and aside from mentioning to him that he needs help that's about it.

I have been through something similar with a self-destructive relative (been going on for about 5 years now), fortunately they have finally seen sense and are doing something about it.

But I know what you mean, there were times when I was mad (mainly because it should be obvious how utterly stupid it is to do crazy stuff like that) and other times when I literally spent months avoiding the relative in question (not easy when you both live under the same roof...)

I feel for you, it's horrible to see people you care about messing up their lives like that.

DriftingRain

We don't live under the same roof. He travels around and is the head man that directs workers on building major parking decks at airports, casinos...blah-blah-blah. He has a great job and had a great girlfriend til last week when she informed me she couldn't take his dramatic mood swings and drinking anymore. EVERYONE he loves has tried to help him and we all feel so guilty. IF I had just taken those keys Friday night he might have forgotten he had given them to me or tired to beat me up to get them. You never know with him. He has been like this for as long as I can remember, I guess that is why we are NOT close? But thanks for the "cheer me on"

Silent Bob

I meant I was living in the same house as my 'troublesome' relative

There ain't any point beating yourself up over what you could have done, or what might have been. Mention to him how you and everybody else feels, with a bit of luck it might just get through

DriftingRain

Thanks, We have all tried at some point but he don't think he has a problem and thinks we are all ganging up on him. He always acts like someone is out to get him...Who knows. He is probally going to go into DT's from no booze after 3 days without?? Thanks for the advice

WhiteWashMan

you either stand by him and do all you can, or you cast him of so that you are not dragged down with him.

either way, make sure you know what you are in for and that you can live with the decision.

or you could come up with a 3rd option that i havent come up with

DriftingRain

That is just it WWM. I get sooooo TERRIBLY angry with him and can't stand to be around him 99% of the time but he will always be my father and I will always love him? So in that how an I to decide. I once thought of an idea to tell him not to call me or try to see me till he could quit drinkingbut then i thought he would only get too drunk to remember I even said it? There is no point in demanding something from him.
I want to stand behind him, but I can't if he can't get help for himself. I will stand behind him cause he is the only father I have???
Who knows?

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by DriftingRain
That is just it WWM. I get sooooo TERRIBLY angry with him and can't stand to be around him 99% of the time but he will always be my father and I will always love him? So in that how an I to decide. I once thought of an idea to tell him not to call me or try to see me till he could quit drinkingbut then i thought he would only get too drunk to remember I even said it? There is no point in demanding something from him.
I want to stand behind him, but I can't if he can't get help for himself. I will stand behind him cause he is the only father I have???
Who knows?

well, i took the decision to cut my step father out of my life.
it was the best decision i have ever made.

everyone has different reasons, they should just never leave themselves in a position to regret their decisions.

DriftingRain

Thanks for the advice. This is something I am still to ponder over?

thedrowner

my dad was an alocholic too...well...they say once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. he stopped out of fear of losing my mother. whenever she goes away, he goes out and gets rat arsed, and can sometimes be verbally abusive. i dont get upset by it now, but i did when i was younger, i couldnt really put my finger on what was wrong, but it upset me.

i odn't really know what advice to give you, unless maybe suggesting u go see a councillor, and maybe it'll help you deal with it. i do have a friend in the exact same situation as yours, but it's very hard to help her at all as talking about it reduces her to tears.

there's not much you can do with an alcoholic unless they want to help themselves. you can promise to be there to support them for them if they want to give up, but if they don't want to, there's such a feeling of mixed emotions it can be quite hard.

actually, i read a book...a marion keyes book called 'lucy sullivan is getting married' it's a trashy love novel, mostly, but the story also deals with the lead character coming to terms with her father's alcoholism. it's very helpful, and marion keyes herself is a former alcoholic, so she kind of knows what she's talking about.

but i would again suggest going to a councillor if u find it hard to cope, or checking to see if there are any books you could find that may help you deal with it.

DriftingRain

:X:X Kiss Kiss The Drowner~

I guess I have never thought of myself going to get professional help? But I guess it couldn't hurt. He lost my mother for physical and emotional abuse and me the same. (Hints to herself that that may by why she's not married yet??) Anyhow. Thats for the reassurance The boards.ie crew is great:)

jd

Originally posted by DriftingRain
:X:X Kiss Kiss The Drowner~

I guess I have never thought of myself going to get professional help? But I guess it couldn't hurt. He lost my mother for physical and emotional abuse and me the same. (Hints to herself that that may by why she's not married yet??) Anyhow. Thats for the reassurance The boards.ie crew is great:)

Jeez-don't even think about getting married yet..(I'd guess you are still in your early 20's...:)
All I can suggest is that you think about exactly what you would like to say to him. Meet him him in some kind of neutral venue eg a cafe or restaurant and just say what your problems are about his behaviour. It may seem strange to do it in a "public place", but I think the it may help you just to say factually what the problems are-otherwise it's easier just to let emotions rule your mouth..
john

thedrowner

Originally posted by DriftingRain


I guess I have never thought of myself going to get professional help? But I guess it couldn't hurt.

it really can't. it may feel like youre opening wounds up that u dont want to, but the sooner u do it, the quicker you heal, and the less you scar. i love my dad to pieces, and im so lucky that he has managed to ovecome drink. but it's not the same for everyone and thats why a councillor can help. it'll help you identify what youre feeling, and show you that youre not alone. and it help you learn to deal with your father.

i really hope everythig works out for you.

Lemming

First off, Sorry DR

Ummm, most of what' sbeen said above is pretty true and good. I can't really say much with wisdom here since I've never really faced this.

Is there any particular reason for his drinking? Perhaps he's miserable with himself or something?

At the same time, perhaps the threat of a federal charge looming may be his wake-up call? Sometimes people need to learn the hard-way

Kell

DR that sucks ass. I went out with a girl who had an alchohalic mother (Still is afaik) but my ex basically told her to go and f~{(2~}ck herself and sort herself out. The biggest issue, and I think the Drowner will agree with me here, is that for for people with this sort, or any sort of addiction is to get them to realise that they have a problem. The first step in fixing the problem is for them to realise that they have one in the first place. By the sounds of it your dad doesnt realise he actually has a self destructive problem.

If you want to help your dad, sit him down and do a paint by numbers job with him, rather than just tell him that you think he sucks ass i.e.

"So dad, you got smashed drunk repeatedly, then abused mum, and then what happened?"

You gotta make him work out the answers for himself and help him point all the sh~{(*~}t back to his dependance on alchohal before anything will get better. He has to be shown that alchohal+abuse+beating people up = losing people and possibly being arrested. Use several examples with the common denominator being gargle.

Alternatively, you could forget him and let him work out his own problems. That works for some people too in that, when they have hit their all time low they go "Umm, time to get better now"

Wishing you all the best with it.

K-

banquo

i think i'm in love with your avatar.

Victor

I don't think there is anything you can make him do. However, you can insist that he take responsibility for his drinking and you won't be picking up the pieces after him, you love him but he has to love back / respect you.

DeVore

Next time he gets picked up by the cops for being drunk.... dont bail him out. Leave him there. It will give him time to think about his life and perhaps shock him into changing.

If he's physically abusive to your or your brother, then get out and get out now. You can love him and support him but you have to be physically ok to do that and you can do that remotely.

I'd tend to agree with WWMan except that I'd always leave a door open as people can change. I didnt get on with my father during my teens... (who doesn't) but we had an almighty argument (imagine two DeVore's going at it no holds barred ) and sorted a lot of things out... now were best mates as we have both changed a lot.

Thats all I can offer :^/

DeV.

DerekD Goldfish

I have a good idea what youre going thru my parents split up when I was a kid mainly due to the drunken fights they used to have. I can remember when I was 5 comming down the stairs to find my parents hurling glasses at each other. When they split up the usual each one blaming the other and putting me in the middle thing happend. My dad gave up the drink and was off it for about 12 years but went back on the drink this year. Mams quite a heavey drinker as well and both have made absolute drunken asses of themselves on to many ocasions to remember. As mentioned before try and make him see he's got a problem granted this is nearly impossible but you should try. yes it is an extremly anoying situation but there are positives in everthing seeing the damage drink has done to my familly it has made me treat alchol with the respect it deserves and use it responsibly(well most of the time).
It very crappy but if bad things didnt happen you woulnt be able to appreciate when good things do.

DriftingRain

Thanks. EVERYONE for your support. I have done the sit and talk with him but, he always leave irrationally and never wants to talk about he REALLY THINKS HE DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM. That is where HE IS WRONG. I bailed him out YEsterday morning and I never said one word to him on the way back to my house. I told him to pack his crap and get out. He wanted them to know if "I" wanted to talk. PFFT. I am tired of talking with him. $7,500. it took of my money to get him out. Everything I had. No more savings to come visit Ireland and no more for a vacation period. He is to "pay me back" sometime soon. But more than his money I want him to sober up and be the father he has never been. Who knows this is the first and last time I will ever get him out and he knows I never lie so I hope that this is the last one. I have made a few calls since yesterday to find out if the state can require a rehab facility instead of prison for him but...we'll have to see when his court date comes. I am even more depressed than mad at this moment and nothing seems to get the thought out of my mind but...who knows

DriftingRain

HAHAHA Robb_mm That did make me smile

davelerave

al-anon might be helpful for you

Wolf

I think the only thing I can add is simply this.

Somethings the realization that you might end up losing the ones you really love can be enough to stop you.

I know from exp when the ones you love have had enough and stop allways picking you up again you begin to realize that you might end up losing the most important thing in file.

Just my 2 cents and I really do simpathize with you.

Elem

You think you've got it bad? jesus, thats a walk in the park compared to what i've to deal with. To be honest, find a guy, marry him, and move away That's what im planing on doing, but not with a guy of course

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Elem
jesus, thats a walk in the park compared to what i've to deal with

doesnt really give any advice does it.
what do you have to deal with?

DriftingRain

Yes Dave. As the Drowner suggested I am looking for a psych. that deals with folks that deal with alcoholics. I've not found the correct one for me yet but I am looking. I have to build me funds back up first... But thanks for all the reassurance It does mean alot to me

Elem

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
doesnt really give any advice does it.
what do you have to deal with?

You realy want to know?

TacT

DR - G'luck with all of that.
Elem - yes, might be best to start a new thread though, wouldn't wanna be hi-jackin

patch

Originally posted by TacT
DR - G'luck with all of that.
Elem - yes, might be best to start a new thread though, wouldn't wanna be hi-jackin

LOL..... ahem, I'm curious also Elem.

DriftingRain

To be honest, find a guy, marry him, and move away That's what im planing on doing, but not with a guy of course

That is not really a solution to my problem that would be running from it. I don't like to whuss out on problems, esp. a problem that is a loved one. Frankly the thought that you would run out on someone you love makes me wonder????

So in that we would all love for you to start another thread and tell us all what you have done!

Syth

I dunno, getting rid of him might be a good way to proceed. I went through the same thing. My dad's an alcoholic, he'd stop drinking for a while, but then he'd be back on it again. He never stoped and eventually I gave up believing him. Bout a year and a half ago we finally kicked him out and things have been great since then.

It all really depends if he can stop. Some people are able to stop, some aren't. If you're dad eventually isn't able to stop then cut him out of your life. Y'never know that might get him to stop, if not you don't have to put up with it anymore. They can be so selfish when they're drinking, noone should have to put up with it.

DriftingRain

we finally kicked him out and things have been great since then.

He dosen't live with me and I only see him maybe 4-5 times a year. It is all the drunken stuper phone calls and the drinking on visits. I told him not to come to my house again if he didn't quite his drinking this last time? Who knows maybe it will work. He hung up on me and I haven't talked to him since.

Capt'n Midnight

Since you are in the states, just wondering if there is anything you can do, like make use any of the dry counties.

Have you checked with his doctor as it is a health problem.

Have the local police paid him a visit , to put the frighteners on him, though would only really work in small towns.

Not sure of the laws there - have you tried scaring him by suggesting he moves somewhere where the penalties are lower ...

Ok a wake up call probably won't work but might be worth a try - what are his buddies like ?

DriftingRain

Since you are in the states, just wondering if there is anything you can do, like make use any of the dry counties.

I live in a dry county and this past #9 offence was in a dry county.

Have you checked with his doctor as it is a health problem.

I am sure his liver is nearing problems. He refuses to go for a check up.

Have the local police paid him a visit , to put the frighteners on him, though would only really work in small towns.

I live in a small town but try not to be on speaking terms with the cops due to a past boyfriend. but they know my father really well.

Not sure of the laws there - have you tried scaring him by suggesting he moves somewhere where the penalties are lower ...

He travels around for his work. I never know which state he will be in next.

Ok a wake up call probably won't work but might be worth a try - what are his buddies like ?

I know one frind of his is also an alcoholic. But many of his REAL friends have tried to tell them. But he don't listen. His court date is gonna be approching soon sooo he may get jail/prison time as a wake up call.

Syth

What I'm saying is that mabey you should just forget about him, and let him know it. Tell him you don't want him in your life anymore, of course it'd only work if your whole family had the same idea, me and my sister wanted to get rid of mt dad for ages, but my mum wouldn't for ages. Finally she copped on. Thw whole lot of yous would have to present a united front. Mabey then he'll stop if he sees how much he loses, if not you won't have to deal with him any more. You're lucky that you only see him every few months...

DriftingRain

I could try chatting to the brothers but I doubt that the whole family can do this. I am doing the ignoer thing now. I screen for his calls and I've not spoken to him in about 2 weeks now.
We'll see what happens. Thanks for the advice.

Evil Phil

I don't know what to say DR other than don't support him. If he's in jail leave him there. Don't be his crutch, don't bail him out, don't include him until he's sober. He's your Dad and you can still love him but look after yourself and your brothers first.

I think one of the hardest things for me to get my head around was that alcoholics do not have a choice. They have to drink. Its strange but its true - its the only coping mechanisim they have and will continue to drink until they realise how self destructive it is and develop a new mechanisim thats healthy and works. Your father doesn't have a choice but you do. Live your own life and when he gets into trouble let him get out of it on his own. It will sober him up quicker than your paying $7,500 to get him out of jail.

Remember that you're not alone and millions of us have dealt with and continue to deal with an alcoholic relative. We're hear when you need us.

lordsippa

Jesus, why didn't I read this earlier? I've had a similar experience, only it's my sis not my dad. I even used to defend her and stuff... but then I saw how she had used to take me into town as a way of hiding that she was going out to get pissed, and also she's just an abusive bitch. I'm only talking to her again now for my mothers sake... thankfully she's cleaned up her act a fair bit recently.

As for your situation... The first thing you've gotta do is distance yourself from the problem. Remember, it's not your problem, and him affecting you like that is just wrong. Once you've got yourself on neutral ground, free from guilt, you can start trying to help. Otherwise if he's suffering and swearing to change you'll give in. Alcoholics on the mend are always recovering. Never recovered. Fair play to all of them that manage to stay clean, I must imagine it's unpleasant dealing with an addiction, to say the least.

Perhaps show him some stuff from AA, facts like how the average alcoholic will ruin the lives of 12 other people might show him sense... Point to celebs he respects who've dealt with their problems. Have some distant nephew of his who's doing well in life talk to him. If he has any brothers, or cousins, that you know of, get them to talk to him. The whole point of the matter is to bombard him until he's finally copped himself on. If that doesn't work, then hard love is probably the only other way. If he drops round to your place after you telling him not to, give him a look of disgust and slam the door in his face. If he gets violent, call the police. If this carries on, get a restraining order. He'll rage and pout about it for ages, but he might also see just how pathetic he's become, and how it's time to swing his life around. Then he'll come crawling back and you can make up.

It's one of the most tragic aspects of alcoholism that the people who are alcoholics can be such wonderful people when they're clean, and yet are the most horrible, pathetic scum when they're not. It's like any class-A drug addiction.

On a final note, there's one other thing you could try. Bring him for a drive one day (MAKE SURE HE'S SOBER) and have arranged in advance for the go ahead on having him showed around a rehab clinic for alcoholics. One of less pleasant (by which I mean one of the less affluent) ones. The people who run these places will be more than willing to help you out in anyway that they can. If he sees that these people, who are on the road to recovery, are dealing with a problem that he can't even face... If he wasn't already horrified by the condition that some of them (especially the older, life long sufferers) are in, he should be shamed into action...

Anyway, I hope he gets his act together, and more importantly that you can live your life without dwelling on it too much. Remember that sometimes you've gotta be harsh to be kind (it took kicking my sister out of home before she even started on the road to recovery, and it's taken a good few years for her to get this far - clean for about 4/5 months). It's a slow proccess and one you're gonna have to learn to live with.

Good luck.

DriftingRain

Thanks lordSippa for the advice. I will keep it all in mind when I chat to him next as we've not chatted in days and days.