What is wrong with me?

LegacyUser

[edit: I editted this to try and make it a little more readable, just added spaces, etc. << Fio >> ]

I have a problem. I have no self esteem, I cannot even get myself to say hello to girls in my course in college. I see them in the corridor, and I start thinking about what I am going to say to them. When I pass, I just put my head down and pass them by.

I find it so difficult to start a conversation with people, even those I have been studying alongside for the last 3 years. They just think that I'm strange. Even in the pub this evening, during the Celtic game, people were celebrating the Celtic goals. I can't express myself like that. I smile, and stand motionless. I realise that by doing nothing I stood out, but I couldn't just celebrate.

I am in a troublesome reletionship with a girl who is a manic depressive, and who cheats on me. I really want to break free from this, but am afraid of her hurting herself.

I'm 22 now, but when I was a teenager, I was put on anti-depressents, I used to cry, and threaten my parents, and cut myself, I was so ****ed up, I couldn't even decide what to do, I used to stand there and pull my hair out.

I have bad skin, and pick at it all the time, like compulsively. I find myself looking at pornography alot, even though I find the concept of it repulsive, and degrading to women.

I'm still at college, I am doing well, but it isn't the course I wanted to do, I ****ed up my leaving cert. I have an IQ of 137, I love politics, and art, and reading, and I find myself doing a course full of ****ing halfwits, and I just want to scream.

I find myself drinking too much, and it doesn't suit me. I get nasty, not physically, but emotionally with people. I use sarcasm to strike back. I hate being who I am. I am ugly, I have wasted my life so far, I fall asleep thinking of girls who I have meet, and who have talked to me.

I would love to travel, but the 2 or 3 close friends I have, dont seem to have any desire to do so. I could go on for another hour, but I wouldn't even get to the surface of my emotions.

I am not badly depressed, I know what that felt like, and it was a dark place. It's dark know, maybe that was teenage depression, a repressive mother etc. Feck this ****.

smiles

Originally posted by Guest124
I have a problem. I have no self esteem,

And that line just summarizes the entire passage following it.

Look, with regards to your girlfriend, you cannot base your life around someone else, put it this way, you are not responsible for whether she does or does not hurt herself, she is hurting you by cheating on you and thats more than likely just adding to your self esteme issues. You need to break up with her, regardless of how she will react, you need to do this for yourself.

As for not being able to express yourself, that happens to people, and being able to post this here is hopefully the start of you being able to work out your emotions and how to express them, and I would highly recommend that you look up talking to a counscellor in college, they can be amazingly helpful and even if you figure out that it's not for you after one or two sessions then it wont have done any harm.

People tend to get locked into a vicious circle, if they have never expressed themselves they think they can't, and so they never will, you need to learn to talk, and even by hearing yourself talking this will help your self esteme.

Everyone goes through problems when they are a teenager, and unfortunately you had an extreme case, but time will help to heal this.

As for your skin, you need to stop picking at it obviously, calling yourself ugly is more than likely just a regurgiated response due to your low self confidence. Everyone has positive points, perhaps it isn't your looks, but given your mindset you are totally unable to judge youself rationally or fairly, just try not to be so hard on yourself.

With the picking at the skin, the pornography, the cutting yourself...well it sounds very much like you have an obsessive personality, and it's something which can possibly hinder you for the rest of your life unless you learn how to relax, not even to relax but to sit down and think your way through situations and decide when you are going to make positive changes in your life. Small steps always help.

Remember, you are 22, and thats all, you may think that you have "fúcked up" your life so far, but at the end of the day you are still here, you have (i hope) stopped cutting yourself and you actually _want_ to make a decision and move on... and you can, talk to someone, and please remember that you are not alone, no matter how isolate you may feel in college, there are an awful lot of other people like you, and given time you will meet them and you will no longer feel as lonely and frustrated as you do.

You said at the end that you aren't badly depressed, but from the sounds of it you are, but you've just accepted it as normal.... please talk to someone.

Good luck

<< Fio >>

Placebo

hmm alot of angst there, what you need to do is relax, summer is now back, make a fresh start, get a job, some new friends, think twice b4 taking any action, get some anime and a console, draw, take up photography, relax. Easy does it. No wrist sliting, unless you like slipknot and youre parents wont give u a euro
slipknot are great though

yeah and listen to placebo :rolleyes:

Miguel_Sanchez

Originally posted by Guest124
I am in a troublesome reletionship with a girl who is a manic depressive, and who cheats on me. I really want to break free from this, but am afraid of her hurting herself.

Take it from someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation. You cannot let fears of what someone will do govern your actions. Chances are she will be well able to cope. She'll have to and if she cheats on you then it's hardly likely that you are her whole world so she should be fine.

If she says things about hurting herself if you do X, Y or Z she is just using your concern for her as emotional blackmail. It's hard to stand abck and see these situations for what they are sometimes but you have to distance yourself to get things in perspective.

Doodee

Originally posted by smiles
And that line just summarizes the entire passage following it.

Look, with regards to your girlfriend, you cannot base your life around someone else, put it this way, you are not responsible for whether she does or does not hurt herself, she is hurting you by cheating on you and thats more than likely just adding to your self esteme issues.
<< Fio >>

rights, as im drunk, i can give good advise, anyways, the best thing for u to do as reguards talking to others is just be yours, **** what other people think, you'lll learn that they dont matter, just make your move and be happy with making the chances,, even if it doesnt work out, now since i havent raad all your post, as reguards the cheating thing, if ur crazy about the girl like alot of guys, then stick with it reguardless of what life or whoever throws at u, but if she does get ur head in a twist, and u cant talk it out with her then tell her up straight how u feel, im sure err, monty disteraceted me, anyways, err, yea, ur girlfriend, if she is wrecking ur head, talk to her, otherwise, if she cheating, and u know it, then dump her ass, or summin...


omg, im so haggered,


guud luck!

WhiteWashMan

you dont sound too different to many people.
you seem to have thought about it alot though because you have come up with quiet a few things in your life that ou dislike.
if you can see the things you dont like about yourself and your situation, what exactly is it that is keeping you from changing them?

spots -> go to a doctor and stop picking at them!

girlfriend -> if you dont like the relationship you are in, why are you still in it. are oyu afraid you will hurt your girlfriend, or are you more afraid of being lonely?

drinking -> why do it? why do you get nasty? lets face it, all youa re doing is turning your anger on other people, when its pretty obvious that youre not angry at them. what are you angry about?

travel -> whats stopping you?

celtic - > yeah, i know how you feel, i had difficutly in celebrating when they scored. i was much happier when porto did

studies -> im thinking oyur course is almost over, or you have a year left. best to stick with it til the end. a degree is a degree after all.

girls -> why do you feel nable to talk to girls? are oyu embarassed? do you hate them? what are your feelings towards tham and why do you feel you cant talk to them?


what would oyu do to get your self esteem up?
why do you have a bad self esteem?
what makes you think you are any better or worse than anyone else?
just because someone has perfect skin, doesnt mean they have a perfect life. hell, they probably cry for hours if they think they are getting a spot. at least you dont even notice another one. see, a silver lining in every cloud

and as for thinking about girls oyu have met and pornography, you sound like a bloke to me. im sure most guys do the same. there is no reason why you cant talk to your current girlfriend about things. she may be off doing her own thing because you are wrapped up in yourself and she doesnt know how to cope with it, and she may want to break it of because you dont give her the attention that she needs? but she may be unable to do it beause shes afraid of hurting your feelings?
you should talk to her. besides, she may do things with you that you thought she never would. women have high sex drives as well, if not higher than men and are always willing to do lots of bizarre things. after all, the ones that do it in porno films just get paid to do it. although i would personally call it day if she asked for 6 other blokes to be present.

if you think about some of the things in your life that you want to improve adn you cant see a way to do it, i would really suggest you seek counselling. you daont have to talk. most colleges will have one or two for students, and it can be very useful after a few sessions when you realise you can talk about anything and just bawl your eyes out for an hour and not say anything at all
ok, i did on several occasions, but that was jus me.
seems like the end of the world, but again, you sound like a bloke who has just discovered in life that there are so many possibilities, and the choices that you have made so far feel like barriers to what you would liike. they arent, you just have to work towards what you want.
but first, you gotta know what you want, and thats the hard fúcking part....

Tusky

Sorry I dont have time to give you advice on all your probs but ....

No wrist sliting, unless you like slipknot and youre parents wont give u a euro

jesus thats funny !

Wolf

Always remember that anyone person can achive alot with self will and determination no matter what you look like and no matter what your goals are.

Try starting small. Try talking to just one new person aday. Just say Hi. I know that from exp that even just saying Hi can be a massive thing to do but you will find that the more offten you do it the easier it get.

True confidence (which is what you are lacking), is not something that can just be turned on and its not something that you can just find.

Its kind of like fitness.

You have to work hard at it. You have to start small and build yourself up gradually. It can take years and years of it. You might get your confidence knocked back but you have to dust yourself down and go at it again and again untill it gets easier and easier.

What I would suggest is try going to the MayBeer bash thats coming up. From exp the people that post on boards and the people that will be attending this are alot less judgemental and are all decent people. You might find it easier to talk to these people make some new friends and as a result help you gain some of the confidence that you need.

Some girls seem to have this mad notion that im in some way quite good looking but at the end of the day untill I got some cofidence they all wouldnt even look at me twice. They went out with guys that wernt that attractive but had a better personality than me. What im getting at here is that looks arent really that terriably important. It really IS who you are and not what you look like (this is been after sitting on both sides of the fence).

To sum up what im really getting at is you are the only peron that can change who you are and where your going in life and if you put a little effort in and get a little help from your friends its not as hard as you might think. Best of luck and remember anyone person is someone.

mada999

Have you ever had some ganj ?

I think you need a joint or something. Just chill out, chill down. Don't think as anger as a bad thing just, put some of this energy into something useful like pottery.

Victor

Originally posted by mada999
Have you ever had some ganj ? I think you need a joint or something. Just chill out, chill down. Don't think as anger as a bad thing just, put some of this energy into something useful like pottery.

Not necessarily a great idea for someone who has suffered from depression, might have an obsessive / compulsive issue and abuses alcohol. Alcohol and marijuana are both depressants.

Catsmokinpot

what can i say. i was in a similar situation not so long ago im still depressed but im dealing with it. theres nothing wrong with you

i felt lost, i felt whats the point i mean i was cheated on several times i was lied to, my mother was an alco i dont know my father. i felt ignored and alone i have been shuffled around since i was 9.

i still think sometimes whats the point?

bad sh1t happens in life and it is going to keep happening to you, to me, to everyone! people who think they have it all will have some bad sh1t happen to them too and its just a never ending circle of bad sh1t that never stops happening

but you have to remember that good sh1t will happen someday and you just have to deal with the bad sh1t untill that day where it all comes together and some meaning in life is found

theirs no point in just quitting and saying thats it im not going to get anywhere in life

relax! take a walk on your own, on a sunny day, in a park or on the beach, look around you and youll see there still is still some beauty in this world.

you will find the right person,
porn is nothing to be ashamed of,
so you picked a bad course in college, i did too! your a smart guy you can always do something else.
i ****ed up my leaving by staying up till three oclock playing online games before each exam.
im not the greatest looking lad youll ever see
im in the constant belief that i have waisted my life so far

but you know what it really doesnt matter eventually it will come together but untill then you just have to roll with the punches

and as far as the confidence thing goes i say hello to everyone i meet now i used to think that people thought i was wierd and nobody liked me. but people arent that bad if you let just a few more people get to know you. you'll will slowly start being more outgoing

IMOA i dont really know about the girl cause i never been in your exact situation with that type of girl but i was cheated on and its not fair on you either

i dont suggest using any drugs to calm you down TBH some people with problems tend to use alcohol or weed as a crutch sure it dulls the pain but the pains still there.

sure you feel depressed now but im sure it will get better slowly:)