Long_Term relationship FREAK ATTACK!!

Bigus_Dickus

IM 23 yr old male. Just finishing college. Been with gf 4 four years and living with her for 2. (She's in same college.)

She's in her final year next year and has asked me to stick around. Back in september and up as far as last week I've said I am sticking around.

See I really want to go travelling but I have loads of loans from college that I need to clear up.

Would probably have to move to Dublin to get degree-related work. So if I stick around with gf, I'll (more-than-likely) be working in some ****ty job paying off loans, without really getting good experience.

But its possible I could get some decent work and theres only bout a 50% chance of gettting work anywhere including Dublin.

I've been looking for work and theres absolutely nothing out there for graduates. Now i'm think that this is an ideal opportunity to travel. **** the loans for a year and take off.

She would be seriously let down cause i'm literally abandoning her.

Phew !!!!!!!

Right her comes the rest..................i've really started to take stock lately. I'm 23 (she's year older).

Im 3 years time, its gonna be like thinking bout marriage and **** cause i'll be 26 years old and with the girl for ever at that stage.

Is that all i want my life to be. Married at 27, same girl since 19. Some boring suit in some wanker company surrounded by **** running the rat-race daily.

Um, no. dont fancy that . (realise that will have to do it at some stage) but only after I get truly ****ed-up , have all the fun I can possibly have for a year or 2.

Right, finally. I really love this girl and would be fairly destroyed on leaving her.

So the question is. Do you break your own heart for fear of regrets?

Any help much appreciated

Bigus_Dickus

yes forgot.

Im literally married at the mo. ITs that type of relationship. I cant wait til she's left to go somewhere. Or i go home or just get away from here.

Starting to hate the sight of her.

Feel I been suffocated. Don't feel like my own man at all.

daveg

I'm afraid your fúcked if you do and fúcked if you don't.

However only you can make the decision. I was in a simular position a few years back - wanted to go travelling - din't as I stayed with my gf. I have some regrets but I'm still with my gf so....

Only you can decide my friend.

Im literally married at the mo. ITs that type of relationship. I cant wait til she's left to go somewhere. Or i go home or just get away from here.

Maybe you already know the answer in your own head. Try talking to her... tell her how you feel and what you want.

woolymammoth

well i was gonna reply to your first post... but this kinda says it all doesn't it! methinks all you needed was to get your priorities straight, and you seem to have done that now.

Originally posted by Bigus_Dickus
yes forgot.

Im literally married at the mo. ITs that type of relationship. I cant wait til she's left to go somewhere. Or i go home or just get away from here.

Starting to hate the sight of her.

Feel I been suffocated. Don't feel like my own man at all.

smiles

If you're that unhappy then suggest taking a break for a while, go to dublin and try some new things.

I can imagine what the "looming future" feels like, god I've freaked out over less with some people i was going out with.

Essentially at the end of the day do you love her and do you want to spend time with her? If you do and it's just the whole hog commitment and the "what happens if this doesnt work out" then don't worry about it, people dont always get married at ... what was it 26? You've plenty of time to find amazing people if it doesnt work out with her.

<< Fio >>

Beruthiel

rock and a hard place

my 2c

you are way too young to be looking at marriage down the line with her - I did that, stayed with the same person I met when I was a teenager, got married, had a kid – big mistake, I hadn’t finished growing up myself – anyways, long story short – left him after thinking about it for nearly 2 years (very hard thing to do when a child is involved) it was the best thing I ever did, am doing me teenage years now
I would put it like this to you, you will always regret what you do not do and if you are having doubts now, they will grow bigger and stronger as time goes on – bit the bullet.
Yes, you will feel like ****e for quite a while, especially as you care for her a lot, but you are not doing her or yourself any favours if you feel like this now and you are wasting both of yer time.
good luck with whatever you decide

Lexie

If its what you really want to do then do it. If you stay here with your girlfriend and never go travelling, then you might end up regretting it and blaming her. If its only for a year or so, then treat it like a break and when you come back and if you still have feelings for each other, well all the better. If not, then so be it. Personally, I would go travvelling and take the risk of loosing someone rather than regretting it and always wondering what it would have been like.

Wook

nice one beruthiel.. very nice
oh yes yes agree , agree

Silent Grape

maybe a short break would help. you've been with her for a long time, im sure she'd understand as long as u reassure her that u love her but that u need a break to clear your head. make it clear u dont want to break up but just want a little breathing space.. unless ur thinking of breaking up with her....

be honest and tell her how ur feeling. 23 is young to have to feel suffocated in a rel.

gud luck and be honest with her xx

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Bigus_Dickus
Im 3 years time, its gonna be like thinking bout marriage and **** cause i'll be 26 years old and with the girl for ever at that stage.

Personally I’ve always thought it a mistake to settle down too young. You invariably end up spending the next decade asking yourself “what if” and eventually resenting the person you settled down with for having denied you your youthful philandering.

Given this, I’m the other extreme, so please take any advice I may impart under consideration...

In fairness, you’ve already decided. The reality is that this doubt, this fear and this resentment (even if you don’t resent her today, you will eventually) are already there and growing, and we both know that the inevitable will take place sooner or later.

While it would be nice to put the relationship in cybernetic hibernation for a few years, so that you could come back when you’re ready to settle down - to have your cake and eat it as it were - the reality is that you’ll have to take your chances if you can agree with her upon a break. Unfortunately chances are that you will not successfully get back together again in the end.

Even then, the horrible thing is that you may never meet anyone else like her again and regret the day you let her go; but as has been said, you’re in a catch 22 situation and you know that either way it’s going to hurt. All you can do is get out with some dignity, at this stage.

Of course, the other option is to cheat on her and see if that gets it out of your system.

Clintons Cat

All i would say is by asking you to put your life on hold for a year whilst she finishes college,she is putting you under a lot of undue pressure.

I would sit down with her and try to explain why you feel the need to move to dublin,after all a year stacking shelves is hardly going to look great on your CV.

Try it you have nothing to lose by being honest with her.At the moment the Grass may be looking greener on the other side
but you seem to be making decisions based on how you Might feel in 3 years time.Stop thinking so far ahead most people dont know how they are going to feel the following morning.In three years you might be greatful for the stability that at the moment seeems like a burden.

what there needs to be in a relationship is some trust.

I dont see a lot of that on either side.

Trojan

Maybe I'm demonstrating my inexperience, but I find it hard to believe that you are truely in love with her, yet do your best to get away from her and can't stand the sight of her.

I just broke up from a shorter (12mth) relationship, and I know how much it sucks. But you have to do the right thing for yourself as well as for the girl.

Where's Eamo? He'll have some good input for this thread

Al.

Typedef

So the question is. Do you break your own heart for fear of regrets?

To answer your question, no, don't be stupid, if you pose the question like that, then no way.

However if the question stems from a deep seeded desire to dump your current chick then yes.

That is simple logic... maybe you wouldn't ask the question here, unless somewhere you wanted to dump her... so that proposition in effect answers your question.

Maybe not, I'm no psycoanalyst and anyway, psycoanalysis is arbitrary in many ways I think.

No matter what you do, you are going to have what-ifs about life, get over it now, because no matter how much you predicate that crap, it never gets any clearer. Ever.

Dumping your grilfriend to travel the world, seems like a rationalisation to break up with her, if you aren't happy with her, then end it, if you love her, find a way to stay with her.

It really is simple like that.


Then again, when all you people were studying for exams, I was having 'fun', well, when I say 'fun', I was doing what I wanted when I wanted, so on many levels, I had all that stuff out of my system by the time I was 18, where 15-18 were ... how do I say... ... interesting.

I wouldn't dump a girl just because I had been with her since I was 19 and taboo-x says that's too young to be with a woman for a long time monogamoy-style.

Stay with her if you love her, leave her if you don't..... You can travel and stay with her, or take her with you, or move to Dublin and bring her along.

Myself I'm an inner City Dub, moving to Tralee because I'm being offered more money and better work... so, again I don't accept that location is the issue in terms of getting a good job, more, if you have the abilities to do the job you are applying for or not.

Lots of grads say "there's nothing out there for grads", mostly because work doesn't land in your lap, straight out of college. I have very little sympathy, really, you think it's difficult with a degree... try starting out in something like software development 'without' a degree... like I did... in September 2001. Myself, I don't have a degree and yet I have on at least two occasions annexed jobs (in programming) that someone with a degree 'should' have taken before me, espeically considering at the time people were and still are whinging about 'the market'.

There is, in the final analysis, no fate but, what you make and employers look for a proven ability to do your desired job, rather then a string of letters after your name*. Thus from where I was, in the year 2000 doing php/perl/shell programming and FreeBSD/Linux sysadmin was completely beyond my experience, so I had to work my way up the ladder Tech Support, then VB/SQL programming, nixers setting up Unix networks and so on, to where I am now, starting a new job as a php programmer and network bofh. Graduates are no different, sure, a degree may help you get a foot in the door, but, ultimately you have to work your way up to where you want to be.

So if you approach life with 'staying where I am is going to land me in a dead end job and I need to leave my situation/girlfriend/county/country in order to improve that' then that is a prophecy you will fulfill. The only question then is... do you really believe that? If so, it is true, if not, maybe it still is true and you are just deluding yourself, but, how would you know since you are delusional in that case anyway?

haha.
* Nominally.

b3t4

Hmm..

Where is she in college??

Afair dublin isnt that far away from anywhere in ireland. Both of ye would get sufficient space to see if the relationship is going anywhere and you could take the time out to chill and get some of your freedom back.

If Im reading this correctly, if you moved to lets say dublin ye would break up. Ok I know long distance relationships are difficult at the best of times but ye have been going out for quite a while and if ye both couldnt make the effort to see each other at the weekends then I think this realationship is going nowhere as it is.

Well thats my two cense.
Rgrds,
A.

bug

I would have to agree with b3t4 and IMO the best thing to do is to see how you get on not living together, then at least you have a little space to think about what you really want. When your living in someones ear things become all muddled. Been there, done that...

WhiteWashMan

if you dont want to be with her, then dont
you are wasting your own time and more importantly you are wasting her time.
she may be broken hearted, but if you stay with her when you dont want to, end up marrying her and then having kids because you were afraid to stand up for yourself you have ruined two lives.

but dont ever use the excuse that you are abandoning her and breaking her heart.
she will live without you believe it or not, and she is probably better off without someone who cant wait for to not be around, and hates the sight of her.
break it of and stop being a coward.

Victor

Find the best paying job you can at the end of your exams, tell her it's a summer job (maybe it is a summer job). Whether it's near her or not ... well it's only for the summer, isn't it. If you still feel the need to move on in September, it is easier to do then.

Alternatively, the 2 of you go travelling for the summer, she goes back to college, while you check out the surf in Bondi. Ye can meet up again next year and see where thing are going.

Gordon

I'd agree with most people here tbh.

The best thing that you can do, however, is to be honest with her. I'm not sure if you mentioned that you and her are doing exams, maybe you should wait until the exams are over until you do a heart to heart with her. But whatever happens I would suggest having a heart to heart with her and explain how you are feeling and what you want from life.

It is your life at the end of the day and if you want your life to be happy with her life then you must talk about how this happiness will exist. And if you want your life to be happy (which can only happen by her not being happy) then you should talk to her about why this is the case.

Good luck

uberwolf

in a relationship, i reckon both people have to be happy individually before they can be happy as a couple, if that makes sense.

note: this is the deepest thing i've said in months

Trojan

Gordon & WWM know where it's at: read their posts, comprehend, execute.

Don't wait forever to make your move, it only prolongs the pain and makes it worse (I'm not speaking from inexperience here either unfortunately).

You already know the truth, just need to admit it to yourself.

Good luck,
Al.

Kell

You have to get out of the relationship. Simple as that. If you feel that you cant stand the sight of her and she is suffocating you then the answer should be as plain as the nose on yer face. It's gonna be tough, but as some have said sticking around in a relationship for the sake of someone else is cowardly and you'll end up making a bollíx of your life and hers.

Who said that you should be looking to marriage and kids at 26? Sheez, societies programming ways eh? No you DONT have to get married at 26. You can do what you liek forever and not get married until your late thirties if you want when you have achieved everything else that you wanted at that stage.

Let her go, have a cry and then go and build a new life for yourself. Or, as the Corinthian says "Cheat on her and see if that gets it out of your system".

K-

Trojan

Originally posted by Kell
Or, as the Corinthian says "Cheat on her and see if that gets it out of your system".

Yeah, or don't do that, it'll fuck you up.

Al.

Typedef

Let her go, have a cry and then go and build a new life for yourself. Or, as the Corinthian says "Cheat on her and see if that gets it out of your system".

You know it's true.

All this trying to be a nice guy stuff can really detract from your inner bastard, find that bastard and make friends with him, he'll get you laid much more often.

uberwolf

If you have a GF then you're getting laid. And no matter what the lads tell you you'll get it less frequently single, so don't let that cloud your judgement.

I know wat exams are like, once the stress of them is over you'll be in a better place to guage the state of affairs and reflect on what you have and what you want, till then sit tight, don't worry yourself or her and make sure to take advantage of natures own stress relief techniques best practiced with another

Executive Steve

dont cut your nose off to spite your face... stick with her.

Falkorre

Originally posted by Bigus_Dickus
yes forgot.

Im literally married at the mo. ITs that type of relationship. I cant wait til she's left to go somewhere. Or i go home or just get away from here.

Starting to hate the sight of her.

sounds to me like u already know what u should be doing.

The funny thing is, *I* have yet to meet one person who got married young to the first person they ever had a relationship with who was happy 5 years later with no regrets.

You're still young, if you met her at 19, and u r "sick of the sight of her" now, then maybe its time to call it a day. often its a lot easier to stay together than break off an experience new things.
I would *never* advise *anyone* to sacrifice life experience over a relationship such as yours.

My opinion? In a nutshell.....
1- Tell her its over, you need to experience life while u r still young and so should she, sounds like the relationship has fallen into a rut (at least) and even an extended "break" might be the answer.

2- If you feel like u want to travel, then travel, one thing I know to be certain in this life (even if it is a cliche to some), is that life IS too damned short to waste time fighting what you want to do.

3- Enjoy urself, always keep in mind tho that u are young, so forgetting those student loans *completely* is not a good idea, you will only regret it when u discover u have no credit rating for the next 5 years, specially if ur travelling, sort out a simple direct debit payment system with them, work out what u can realistically afford to pay them each week and tell them firmly thats all they will be getting.
They are unlikely to do anything to u as long as they see somthing coming each week and u r making an effort. (Besides, if u do that, then they know any judge they might try and bring u before would look favourably on u as u have "been making reasonable effort to clear the debt" )
DONT let it drag u down, just dont ignore it completely, ull be surprised how easy it is to deal with.

Hope that helped

B