Depressed and suicidal... (reasonably long)

LegacyUser

OK, I'm not enitrely sure what i hope to achieve by writing this but here goes anyway...

I'm a 17 year old guy, sitting my Leaving Cert this year. For a *long* time now i've frequently looked at pornography. Usually I just stuck to the regular kind of stuff but every once in a while i'd for some reason or other delve into a more risque or more gross area of porn, call it curiosity, the thrill because of a taboo or just plain boredom with regular stuff or something else. always, i'd realise that what i was looking at was disgusting and would just stop looking at it, and never look at that kind of stuff again. some examples would be bestiality and violent (but consensual) sex. I never did any of those things myself and I never would, and i was able to live with that.

However, last summer i had another one of these episodes, and i did the worst thing i have ever done. I searched for pictures of underage girls, and found them. All told i probably saw about 25/30 different pictures of this sort. I would usually download a few and get aroused etc. but would then feel guilty in myself and would delete them. Like in the other cases I mentioned above, I did this several times before it finally hit me just how awful this stuff was and I finally stopped looking at that stuff for good.

For a long time I just didn't think about what i had done and ignored it but eventually i did begin to think about it. Firstly it hit me again how gross and immoral the porn was, and how sick i was for ever having gotten kicks out of it. But I know I could never harm a child, or anyone for that matter. I don't fantasize about little girls or want to have sex with them, it totally repulses me. I can't even say for sure if I ever did have an attraction to them, or was it just because of the stigma rightly attached to this stuff that i went and downloaded it. The fact remains however, that I did it. I thoroughly detest myself and have seriously considered suicide many times recently, as i can't forgive myself for what i did, and i don't know if I can live with myself. I wish that I had someone to talk to about it but I know that if i told any of my friends they'd probably begin to hate me and try and distance themselves from me, and it would destroy me to see the disappointment that would be caused to my parents if i told them. But another thing that drives me insane about this whole situation is the fact that i don't think i can bear to keep such a terrible secret from these people. after all our friendship is false if we don't truly know each other.

Yet another thing driving me mad about it is thinking of the future. I've always wanted to have a family when i was an adult. I've always known that if i ever did get a wife, i could never keep any secrets from her, big or small. i just couldn't do it. bearing this in mind though, what woman would ever want to marry me, let alone place enough love and trust in me to start a family with me? And yet this has always been one of the most important things in my life.

I still can't believe how i was able to literally throw the most important things in my life away, and now that i feel i have nothing to look forward to in life anymore, I usually feel like i just want to die. i feel completely worthless and am always contemplating jumping in front of a car or throwing myself off a pier. It just doesn't seem to me like i could ever be considered human, or like i could ever be forgiven.

Anyway... these are just a few of my thoughts... I guess i'm putting them here so that i can find out what others think of me and let me know whether i'm right to feel this way or whatever. thanks to anyone who takes the time to reply, even if it is "hey, that pier thing sounds like a good idea..." (and i suspect it will be)

Victor

Nearly everyone looks at porn at some stage. Most people like it.

Non-consensual porn is unacceptable. What you did is wrong. You perpetuated the orginal crime.

However it is not something to commit suicide for.

Make sure you delete and write over the files so you don't access them again.

If you want, talk to say a therapist or a priest. However, even these may have to report you as it involves child abuse.

Colin_Celbridge

How far do you intend to take the "I wouldn't be able to keep something from here, no matter how big or small" thing? I mean you would be crippled by guilt at the least thing if you keep with this. Anyway it would only lead to an infinite regress.
Although you have done wrong with the photos, you seem to realise the error and severity of this type of activity. This is what should matter to you most. You don't need to look at pictures like this do you?
Try not to let all of this get out of proportion either. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time: there is nobody who hasn't got a heap of regrets and things they are ashamed about doing. Put it out of you mind as it needs not disttract you from normal issues and activities.
Also, you said you were doing your leaving cert. This is a very stressful time fo everyone doing it, try to realise this and put it in perspective. We all felt like this at the time, but once it was finished we all felt much better.
If you need to talk, I'll be more than willing to talk with you anytime. Just PM me or mail me on donutheadhomerATeircom.net.

Good Luck

Colin

I edited your email address in case of scanning spambots- Gordon

Gordon

Wouldn't it be such a waste of a perfectly good life to ditch it all because you viewed illegal and immoral materials? Everyone has skeletons in their closets - it is how you deal with them that makes your life worth it - to you.

If you feel so bad I would really suggest speaking with your friends about this. If there comes a time that you seek a wife then that wife would surely be the other part of you in a sense. If you meet this woman and the time is right you should tell her about it all. And if she is a part of you and you a part of her - all will be understood.

It is not how you dealt with it anymore, it is how you will deal with this from now on that carves your life into this world.

Wolf

Ok first off stop been a muppet!

Killing yourself is the easy way out. What you did isnt all that bad. Yeah you looked at some kiddie porn and if I was a mate and caught you doing it id kick the **** outa you ...... but ...... you have stoppped looking at it and you seem sorry. Also you have never acted any of this out and that means you caused no wrong.

Alot of us im sure have done things in the past or even do things because they are wrong. I personally find I have done things sexually because they werent accepted and that was the only reason (notthing too extrem mind you). So long as it all in good consentual fun its ok. You might even have fantasies that are wrong but as long as you dont act on them its ok. We all have secrects.

Lastly, if you really do hate yourself so much that you feel your life isnt worth living then, don't waste it by killing yourself, at least help disadvantaged kids, or the homeless. If you feel that badly then throw you life into fighting child porn or sometrhing but sucide 99.9% isnt the right answer its an easy cop out.

patch

Give yourself a break kid- 16 year olds are supposed to be curious about things. You stepped over the line but, importantly, you can see where the line is!!!

With regard to telling people, I suggest the only person you tell is some form of councellor. Everybody has a story they don't want told, you need perspective, once you talk to someone one on one, it'll all look a lot clearer. You'll be fine.

John2002

Go to see a counsellor. You can at least speak in confidence to them and they can guide you. Don't become yet another suicide statistic, it would be such a waste of a young life. And judging from your post you have seen the error of your ways. That's half the battle, now for dealing with it.

BuffyBot

Originally posted by [-UK-]Wolf
Ok first off stop been a muppet!

Killing yourself is the easy way out. What you did isnt all that bad. Yeah you looked at some kiddie porn and if I was a mate and caught you doing it id kick the **** outa you ...... but ...... you have stoppped looking at it and you seem sorry. Also you have never acted any of this out and that means you caused no wrong.

Alot of us im sure have done things in the past or even do things because they are wrong. I personally find I have done things sexually because they werent accepted and that was the only reason (notthing too extrem mind you). So long as it all in good consentual fun its ok. You might even have fantasies that are wrong but as long as you dont act on them its ok. We all have secrects.

Lastly, if you really do hate yourself so much that you feel your life isnt worth living then, don't waste it by killing yourself, at least help disadvantaged kids, or the homeless. If you feel that badly then throw you life into fighting child porn or sometrhing but sucide 99.9% isnt the right answer its an easy cop out.

I think that says it all really.

Jesus H Christ - get over yourself. You did something wrong, illegal - like most teenagers. It was just the type of activity that differed. As for telling your future wife. As Wolf said. We all have secrets - including any future wife you may have...forgive yourself, forget it..move on...and grow

Beëlzebooze

the amount of times I have considered putting an end to it, jeez. There are times I would go for long fast drives on country lanes without the seatbelt on, not in the hope of meeting a dozer or tractor, but not caring if I did.

You will snap out of it, regardless of the porn, that is not really the issue here. I think I know how you feel, and I think that the porn is just an excuse to validate your feeling of worthlessness.

Don't, don't give the bastard (depression) the satisfaction of bringing you down. I know my dark moment will come again sometime soon, but I know I can deal with it, I have in the past, and I also know NOW that I have much to look forward too, sit it out, talk to someone, (but don't mention the porn, as I said IT IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE)

I empathize with you, and as I said, I have pretty good idea where you are coming from.

Regards.

Beëlzebooze

O and another thing,

if you need cheering up, read PI more often, and laugh at the posters who worry about the size of there willy, or have to ask other complete strangers how to pick up girls.

truly magical stuff........

LegacyUser

People are asking how far i would take the "no secrets" thing with a wife if I ever had one, and really i would have to take it all the way. Certainly a big secret like this one is something that she would deserve to know, after all it could totally change how she thought of me and how she felt about me. Then there is also the matter of if we ever had kids. Then it'd be even more important that she knew about this secret.

Secondly I'd love to be able to tell a counsellor but even with a professional like that I'd be far too scared to reveal my secrets, after all, he or she might feel (or in fact legally be) obligated to report me considering I have done something *so* wrong.

I can understand how people are saying that my sense of perspective's a bit botched on this, seen as i've considered suicide so much but it just seems to me like doing this has totally ruined any possibility of me having a happy future.

Thanks to everyone for the replies so far.

LegacyUser

Considering suicide is just stupid!

With that said, get help for yourself, you pr1k. you stepped over the line... "25/30" times!!!!!!!!!!

I've stoped myself here, because I have too much of a conscience!

In case you dont know what that is...

The awareness of a moral or ethical aspect to one's conduct together with the urge to prefer right over wrong: Let your conscience be your guide.

imp

Originally posted by anon1234
I've stoped myself here, because I have too much of a conscience!

In case you dont know what that is...

The awareness of a moral or ethical aspect to one's conduct together with the urge to prefer right over wrong: Let your conscience be your guide.

With respect, I'm inclined to believe that this guy feels this bad/remorseful about this because he does have a conscience and it's caught up with him.

}:>

neuro-praxis

Dear Original Poster (I refuse to call you by the name you posted with),

Sexuality is more delicate than some people believe. It is possible to manipulate your own sexuality with whatever you feed it.

Now, you fed it with some pretty bad stuff. It is not physically abnormal to be turned on by something perverse. The majority of pornography users look up strange stuff from time to time, and according to surveys, many people have looked up child pornography out of pure curiosity.

Now, you are aware of what you have done. You feel dreadful for it. But listen to me: your guilt is useless. Guilt locks people into corners and ties them into knots and stops them becoming the kinds of people they have the potential to be.

I'll give you two kinds of advice. I don't usually do this but here goes:

1. I am a believing Christian. God promises that whatever we repent for is forgiven. If you ask God for forgiveness, and mean it, it will be granted. Maybe this is useful to you, maybe not. [/end Christian advice.]

2.Speak to a counsellor or a very good friend/parent that you know loves you unconditionally. Talk it through. I think this is very important in coming to terms with the fact that you aren't the worst person in existence.

You are worthy of a second chance. You are so young and things will only get better from here. I advise you cut pornography out of your life.

You must forgive yourself for this. You have done something immoral, but you know it. You're sorry. You can move on from this.

If you would like to PM me, please do. It will be entirely confidential and I promise you won't be judged. We have all done things wrong.

Zukustious

People are always changing. When you look back on you as a child, you'll think, that's someone else. It was me, but I'm different now.

You should take this as a learning experience. You have learned that kiddie porn is bad the hard way. When you learned this. You became a different person. We always change through time. Don't think of yourself as the person who looked at the children. Think of yourself as the person who learned the lesson from that guy.

Also, don't think that what you did is so bad. Did you get off from it in any way? No. You were disgusted by it. You took the test to see if you were a paedophile or not and the result is that you are not. What you did was you tried a new thing. You didn't download it for the sake of getting off. You downloaded it to see if you would get off, and you didn't. You took the test that most people would be afraid of taking.

If you feel really bad about contributing to padophilia, what you could do is join one of those groups against paedophilia that protects children. I can't name any but you could look for some.

Capt'n Midnight

"Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem."

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The only debate on suicide by rational people is in the case of incurable diseases where the the mind/brain can't function normally because of unstoppable pain or irreversable loss of higher functions. In all other case everyone agrees it is a waste and at best a cry for help.

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Now in your case (and there are lots of others who feel the same way) it has not a little to do with exam pressure. Your brain will use ANY excuse not to study, (I used to spend hours looking at the patterns on a brick wall) which explains why you are probably feeling worse the closer the exams get. (Displacement Anxeity ? - where worries get transferred ?) You'll be amazed at how much better the world seems to be when you are finished those exams especially if we get a nice hot summer and you're back here posting about "too shy to ask her out"..

So far you are living the life of a Saint ( actually a lot of them fall into the "ya gotta sin to be saved" category - the old testament is full of deviant people if you read between the lines cf. Lot & daughters - the fact that they put those stories in and that they are still there after so many generations says a lot about how people really are. ) The fact you feel guilt means you are less of a danger to members of the public than most drivers. In a few years you will put it down to "youthfull indescretion".

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sometimes when I see really old people I wonder just how many things some of them will take to their graves.. shudders

Maslow's heirarchy of needs says problems of self-estem usually appears when more basic needs are met - someday when you leave home and have to fend for yourself things like money and shelter will seem much more important - or another way of looking at is - "I'd love to be unhappy, but I just don't have the time.."

And no, the future love of you life won't tell you everything either (even if she say's otherwise) - or if she does you may be in for a real eye-opener.n

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Yes you have real problems - they are called Exams - focus on study and get through them first 'cos you can't change the dates - until that pressure is off you will not be able to think clearly.

Silent Grape

My sister was raped when she was 6 years old. her rapist was 16.

im sure he was 'curious' too how the inside of a little girl would feel.

just because this you were 'curious' does not mean u had to let it get that far. i think u need some serious attention (from a psychiatrist, not over sympathetic board members) (no offense, ur all lovely people)

i admit that i am VERY biased in this situation, but u have got to take some responsibility and tell someone, instead of posting here begging for forgiveness.

anyway, u should fee like ****e, and i hope u cant sleep at night for a good long time, but doing something wrong does not mean that u can just fuk off anf die to avoid the repurcussions.

a 'mistake' is an error of judgement, not sitting and the computer and saying to yourself, what now, oooh, i know! 6 year old girlies!

its disgusting, but at least u know that now. u obviously dont think ur 'worthless' or u wouldnt even post here. stop wallowing in self pity and tell somebody to get it all out of ur system.

a priest in confession is confidential, and anyway, i think u have to have the twisted stuff on ur computer for u to be reported.

THANK GOD u kow how fuked and wrong what u did was. i cant believe how even a 16 year old mind could even comprehend that that stuff could be arousing.

my sister is currently 32, and still in therapy because of what happend to her. i know u havent raped a little girl (as far as u have told us) but remember that those little girls in the porn, they were raped too, and they have a life of psychological torment ahead of them.

tell a counsellor, they cant tell anyone else.

dont do it again

Zukustious

I think the guy came here looking for help not judgement. It would be beneficial to give him advice instead of driving him to actually killing himself.

YoungNastyMan

Look your Young, and going through puberty, your body and mind are going through some very big changes. Yeah ok you looked some unhealthy porn and then one thing led to another, and you were looking up illegal stuff.

but the main thing is that you've realized what you were doing is wrong, and that is what makes you human. You know its not right, so you dont do it. fair play to you.

As for telling other people, You'll get over it yourself, and it wont bug you as much,and in due time, when your a little more mature and you can analize the situation better, then you'll make your own choice, wether to tell people or not.

Weve all done something were ashamed of,especially in our youth.

So let time take its course and dont jump the gun, Youve got a whole life ahead of you.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Silent Grape
anyway, u should fee like ****e, and i hope u cant sleep at night for a good long time

Don't worry, I do and i can't.

u obviously dont think ur 'worthless' or u wouldnt even post here. stop wallowing in self pity and tell somebody to get it all out of ur system.

I do feel worthless. I feel like a shiitty, fukked up human being. And that's why i'm posting here. i'm trying to find out if that's what i am. And like i said, I don't have anybody i feel i can tell.

i know u havent raped a little girl (as far as u have told us) but remember that those little girls in the porn, they were raped too, and they have a life of psychological torment ahead of them.

You're right I haven't ever done or tried to do anything sexual to any children. And I do realise what you're saying about the girls in those pictures. Part of what makes me feel so bad is the fact that I've now contributed to their pain.

I just thought i should deal with those points of Silent Grape's. I hope that what I've said doesn't make it appear as though i'm trying to defend what i did, because i'm not, i can't and i don't want to.

thanks again for all the replies so far, i'll keep checking back

Sangre

Personally I think you are worth more then Silent Grape if that helps.


Look, I think it is Exam Depression, I am sitting my LC this year I know it can be stressful. I think you should try and readdress this after these exams, dont let your results suffer because you made a mistake.
Get over it, you are over reacting completely, its not like you were taking the photos.

And why are you dwelling on the fact that you may getted married, and you feel you have to tell her everything,

annabegins

1) You are not alone

2) You are a strong person as you have stopped before anything has happened

3) You have a concience which means you are still a spiritual person

4) Your guilt is in the past....look forward

5) In a years time this will be laughed about at some party with your mates.

6) Why on earth would your future wife need or want to know this. It's not as thought she'll tell you about every lesbian or family encounter that she's had (believe me, she wont)

7) The future is bright and there are a lot of wonderful people around.....just like you :0)

Sangre

Originally posted by annabegins


6) Why on earth would your future wife need or want to know this. It's not as thought she'll tell you about every lesbian or family encounter that she's had (believe me, she wont)

Ummm I believe this could do with some explaining

The Sweeper

You need to forgive yourself.

Ask yourself this - if you didn't have the internet, would you have bought a magazine of child pornography? Would you have actively hunted out like minded people to swap photographs?

The internet makes it very, very easy to dabble in the sordid elements of society. Did you pay to access any of these images? If you didn't then reassure yourself that you haven't paid for any more children to be abused.

You already recognise that what you've done is at best foul and at worst contibutes to something illegal.

A lot of people on this thread are saying it's exam stress but I'm not so sure. I think you have to have a pretty low self image and feel pretty grubby in yourself to go hunting for something that will eventually make you feel worse.

Accept that, however grotty what you've done is, it's a distance from active participation in paedophilia. At the same time, it strongly suggests that your attitude to sex, your own self image and the stress you are currently under are all unhealthy.

Your first step before counselling could be to phone the Samaritins. You need to talk to someone about this, even just to tell them what you've done. Talking anonymously to someone will help you work through it because I have a feeling that even you yourself don't really know why you decided to take surfing for porn a step further.

annabegins

6) Why on earth would your future wife need or want to know this. It's not as thought she'll tell you about every lesbian or family encounter that she's had (believe me, she wont)

Ok I'm not talking about personal experience but being a woman you hear stories from other women and you probably wouldn't believe half of them. These are the little secrets that women only tell other women......never their husbands or boyfriends. Believe me they even stretch as far as to be 10 times worse than this guy's worries and they were able to laugh about it.

Silent Grape

i apologise for being overly judgemental, im a little angry with most people being so forgiving, especially if they havent encountered child abuse before.

but this theme is a little close to home. ill stop posting now , i dont think ill be any help. good luck and talk to somebody about it today. at 17, u are a lot stronger than many others who wouldnt even post anonymously.


mia x

ps. as for the person who said 'its not like you took the pictures'

whats the difference? either taking or looking, both deal with exploiting children.

LegacyUser

Really there's no need for you to apologise, Silent Grape. I can't begin to imagine the trauma that's been caused to your sister and family and I can certainly understand why you must feel the way you do towards me. i was expecting similar replies to yours when i started the thread and its better that i have a balanced knowledge of what people think of me.

btw Annabeggins, i do understand what you're saying about the unlikeliness of finding an entirely honest/forthcoming wife when i grow older, but that's one of the qualities i've always hoped for in a wife. and even if she wasn't so, and i wasn't, i still feel that she'd have a right to know of something of this magnitude, particularly if we ever considered having children.

And unfortunately i find it a little hard to believe that you know a lot of people with secrets 10 times worse. but maybe i'm wrong there.

i have emailed the samaritans a couple of times about this. and while their replies were helpful I don't feel certain that they were being totally honest, rather than doing what they were expected to do, as a Samaritan. but that might simply be paranoia

McGinty

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LegacyUser

Originally posted by McGinty
There are a couple of issues that concern me, why does consensual violent sex, and bestiality turn you on?

I could have made myself clearer there, I wasn't really talking about extreme violence or anything. More domination, spanking etc. which i consider to be violent and also somewhat taboo. I wasn't referring to rape or snuff etc.

As regards them turning me on, no they don't. They did for a very brief while. I can only really guess at why they did. Perhabs it was the fact that it was a taboo or something. i don't think i was necessarily turned on by the acts so much as by the fact they were taboo. i've never, for example, even considered having sex with an animal.

Onto the child porn, you can do something to allieviate your conscience, you can tell the Gardai or relevant authorities the web addresses of these porn sites to shut them down. Would you be willing to do this?

I would, however i didn't actually access the material through any websites, it was done another way which I won't go into as Gordon would probably remove it. Unfortunately it would be very difficult for the police to shut that method down.

Also it is commendable you want to share this with a future wife? But will you tell her before you get married, or after. Will it be before you have children or after?

In both cases, before. I think she'd obviously have the right to know about this before marrying me or having a child, as it could obviously totally change her feelings for me.

thanks for your reply, McGinty, i'm sure it took a lot of courage

McGinty

"I searched for pictures of underage girls, and found them. All told i probably saw about 25/30 different pictures of this sort. I would usually download a few and get aroused etc. but would then feel guilty in myself and would delete them. Like in the other cases I mentioned above, I did this several times before it finally hit me just how awful this stuff was and I finally stopped looking at that stuff for good."

Forgive me if I appear somewhat thick in the techno department, but searching for pictures, that to me implies using a search engine, but this is not the case with you, I am confused.

Downloading signfies accessing said images from a remote server (location) and saving them onto your hard drive, for future perusual. Okay, maybe you didn't access the images from a website, but you accessed them somehow electronically judging from your above posting. Now I am not normally this pedantic, but this is a serious issue, a deadly serious issue. Again I am confused

It is possible that you may be seeking forgiveness, or its okay no worries, just forget your dirty deed, and you can happily forget what you are doing.

However I have come across your posting, and your statement where you say you didn't access these pictures of under age girls via a website is confusing. Who ever gave you access to the photos, can you not shop them to the police? Unless the scumbags that take these pictures are taken to justice, abuse will carry on. Take a stand on this issue, or are you just looking for cheap redemption, because I can tell you this, I am making a harzardous guess here but Boards.ie are predominatly male, well at least the main posters are. However, rare would be the woman who could accept this aspect of your past to marry you and have children, unless you can show to her that you turned this situation around, either that or say nothing to her and lie.

The spanking stuff, etc I can understand, it is a form of expressing one's sexuality between two consenting adults (I did get the wrong end of the stick re: that). In my opinion S&M, bondage and all that stuff is not my scene but I see nothing wrong with it.

I can't understand why you can't report this to the necessary authorities, or maybe you just don't want to really, you just want acceptance for what you did. Well as a spectator, and a silent spectator, you are contributing to the crime.

Trebor

i belive that he is making reference to a file sharing program which has a decentralised server meaning that there is no one computer that stores everything to be downloaded, each indvidual user using the program shares out the files on their computer so there is no company hosting it so it makes it very difficult for the police to track as it is possible to mask your IP address ( it is usually how they can track website traffic ). this is where most pirate music comes from but it can be used for benoffical purposes but thats for a different thread.
luckly the spread of this type of porn is not prevalent as the attitude of a p2p (perr to perr) system is that people share their files for free so there is no money to be made off it which will stop those who profit off the misery of innocence.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Silent Grape

Sangre, how old are you? you think he's 'worth more' than me because i have expressed my feelings, biased or not. who are you to be so judgemental?

a nicer way of saying what you said would be 'i can understand you feeling that way, bu maybe...' etc etc, not being ignorant and saying what you did.

get mature, then post your opinion or advice(if its that)

LegacyUser

Trebor is essentially right, except that the particular program wasn't decentralised as far as i know so after further thought the Gardai may be able to use the information, so I have decided to pass it on to them.

And McGinty, as regards what you said about a future wife being very unlikely unless I had done this, i know that ever meeting someone who would love someone like me (even after reporting the source to the Gardai) is as good as an impossibility - one of the resons I am so depressed over this (as if what i did wasn't depressing enough).

Right now I still don't know what to do with myself, I still have trouble facing my friends and especially my parents but I know I can never tell them.

swiss

Just one or two thoughts about this.

For a start, "worthless" (and I hesitate to use this name), you should really stop beating yourself over this. Guilt and depression are powerful (and sometimes necessary) emotions, but when they start to dominate your life, then you know that you've got to take a step backwards, and look at things from a cold, logical viewpoint.

I know certain people here probably think that you're scum because you accessed and viewed pictures of underage porn. Yes, it is pretty disgusting, and I know you know this. However, you cannot allow the past to dominate your future. What is important now is not what you did in the past, but what you plan to do to ensure that you don't do this sort of thing again. Feeling guilty about it is no guarantee that you're not going to do it again.

Get some help, be it in the form of counselling, friends and/or family. You don't have to be specific about what you did, if you don't feel up to telling them (and I can understand that). I know people are going to disagree with me here, but you should get a girlfriend. Easier said than done in some cases though. I think a large contributory factor to your decision was sheer boredom.

uberwolf

somethings are best left with yourself, a future partner shouldn't find out about this, deal with it and move on, close the chapter and don't reopen it, if this involves a pyschiatrist(patient doctor confidentiality) or whatever do what it takes.

it sounds to me that you're more into the taboo than the particular topic you happen to be looking at which ought to comfort you somewhat.

if you feel like compensating society for having done this then go work for charity, a few wknds the summer whatever and if you can try and make it a childrens charity.

LegacyUser

it confuses me somewhat how a lot of the people who've replied don't seem to think that i should tell my wife about this, if i ever manage to find one. It seems to me like it would be one of the most important things she could know about me, as it would probably make her see me in a totally different light.

I know that feeling guilty isn't much of a guarantee that I won't do it again. But i think that the fact that I now realise that what i did is so sick is. But that still won't make me feel any better about what i did. The guilt's really still driving me mad and i can't see it getting better any time soon.

BuffyBot

Originally posted by worthless
it confuses me somewhat how a lot of the people who've replied don't seem to think that i should tell my wife about this, if i ever manage to find one. It seems to me like it would be one of the most important things she could know about me, as it would probably make her see me in a totally different light.

You seem awfully naive to think that any partner you meet has no secrets from you... and I would be very suspect of those who say they don't.

Welcome to the world. We all have secrets.

LegacyUser

I don't necessarily believe that she'd have NO secrets but i think that mine is something that i would have to share. it would be her right to know this about the man she was considering marrying, wouldn't it?

Victor

Originally posted by worthless
I don't necessarily believe that she'd have NO secrets but i think that mine is something that i would have to share. it would be her right to know this about the man she was considering marrying, wouldn't it?

The man yes, the boy no.

Would you want to be privy to all her dirty secrets? How she was arrested for shop lifting at 14, how she lost her virginity to a guy she didn't know behind the bushes at a cider party, how she slept with one boyfriends purely for his money, that she slept with her best friend's fiancé .... the list goes on of dirty little secrets that we don't really need to know.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I probably would prefer to know those kind of things.

But none of them are as bad as what I have done, are they? I mean, knowing those things about her really wouldn't change what I thought of her all that much. A lot of people have "secrets" like those and none of those ones are anywhere as near as bad as mine.

Victor

Originally posted by worthless
But none of them are as bad as what I have done, are they? I mean, knowing those things about her really wouldn't change what I thought of her all that much.

Are you sure? Are you sure she would want you to know about her and her to know about you?

LegacyUser

I can't be sure that she'd want me to know everything about her.

But i think its only natural for someone to want to know everything about the one they love, or think they love. And I think it would be particularly important for her to know this, considering it is such a bad thing that I did in my past.

uberwolf

thats just it, it is your past. @ the moment its your present and until you sort it out in your head it will remain so, when you get over it, and you will, you can look to the future and whatever that holds.

uberwolf

just another thought, how many people would actually, realistically, discuss their viewing material for a quick choke of the chicken anyway, regardless of the nature of it, with their partners, mates, etc.

i know in this instance its a tad different to the normal, and not to be condoned, but when you put it behind you your future partner need not know.