Heat of the moment

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I have a small problem and was wondering if any of you had any advice or similar life experiences to draw on similar to this.

Pretty much the story is just that I have a friend of a few years, who I know pretty well, but the other day a few of us were joking with him about a few things. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but these personal jokes became more and more hurtful until suddenly he was just short of tears and stormed off.

I have never misread a situation so badly, I assumed he realised we were just joking with him, and we were, but we picked things we knew were a little true (as a lot of people do) to get a bigger laugh. Some of the things said appear to have really damaged him.

He won't talk to anyone or answer calls now. Shouldn't 'real' friends know each other well enough that a joke, even a touchy one is just a joke?

Thanks.

Sam.

Samara

Looks like you hit a raw nerve. If you were so called 'real' friends you should have known not to push on about things that obviously upset him!! It sounds like a group of you were all picking on him you big bullies! You owe him a big apology - get groveling!! A joke is only a joke for so long and then it gets old, then irritating and then the fuse blows. Maybe he was upset over other events and ye picked on him at the wrong time. The only way to find out is to call round. Do you mind if I ask how old ye are??

LegacyUser

Not at all. I'm 21.

I can't really call around, we were never on such good terms. Occasionally telephone, meet on weekends etc. if you get the level.

The thing is i always thought real friends should be secure enough in themselves to take a little 'abuse' - our group does this thing a lot to each other, but we know ourselves that at the end of the day, they will still call you and you will go out.

Maybe he was just wrong for the group.

uberwolf

real friends vs never call around? how does that work? maybe he should have been able to take the abuse, an off day as you suggest. Have you been talking to the rest of the group about it, its not fair to suggest that he shouldn't be in group cos he couldn't take ur abuse without getting his context...

LegacyUser

Well have you never been in a group of friends, where even though you are all friends, not everyone in the group is on "call over to your house" type terms with a person? If not I don't think I can explain it any better.

We see him pretty much every day in college as is, but he's just ignoring everyone. I know this sounds bad, but I'm starting not to care - I mean we all get slagged a bit, it is just the level of humour. Now maybe guys tend to get slagged a bit worse than the girls, but still, even after just a few days I'm getting tired of trying to apologise.

True maybe we were a bit harsh, but we are not care bears, and he knows that. He has been around with us for a few years and dished out his share of slagging to others as well. He is laying this big guilt trip on everyone, and what does he expect? That he deserves special treatment?

uberwolf

no thats prob fair enough, you apol, and then its upto other person... so long as ur certain its not something specific that cut him, also didn't realise you were seeing him around college-thought only way you were going to see him was by calling over.#
how long ago was this?

The Clown Man

Even a half friend would go and appologise, ball's in your court.

Would it not make you feel better in general to know that you've taken some of the hurt you've inflicted off this person? Even if he wasn't your friend?

I don't see why it needs discussion. It was your bad. Not his.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

ferdi

tell him to dry his eyes.

these things happen - youz were joke'in around and he went and cried like a girl. i'm sure he is feeling like more of a git than you do right now.

Caesar_Bojangle

Similar thing happened to me when i made a joke about a friends compulsive masturbation habit, ffs he use to do it in the jaxx when he'd stay in someones house. Some manners and self control wouldnt go amiss

Hobart

Originally posted by Caesar_Bojangle
Similar thing happened to me when i made a joke about a friends compulsive masturbation habit, ffs he use to do it in the jaxx when he'd stay in someones house. Some manners and self self control wouldnt go amiss

Fuk you Caesar. I've just had to replace my keyboard as I gobbed a mouthful of coffee over it as I read your reply. Could you please preface any future comment like that with "Swallow ure coffee now!"

Classic. One of the best ever!!:D

Kai

Oh just tell him to go **** himself.
If you apologised and he is still like that then what can you do ?? nothing.
Same thing happens day in day out between fellas, slagging over this and that. You probably got him when he was in a bad mood, let it die off and give him some room, if he comes back and starts talking again, grand, if he doesnt then its his choice.

He will learn to grow thick skin after a while, after all you didnt mean any real harm by what you said, im assuming anyway.

LegacyUser

Whatever you did, you guys hurt him. Maybe you guys were messing around, and maybe he knew that too (I'm sure he's put up with it enough), but nobody likes it when they find out people know about your problem and make a big joke out of it.

You slag someone off about something they're sensitive about and not only do you succeed in making them feel worse than they already do, but you act like a prick being so insensitive as to bring it up in the first place.

If you're really his mates, you'd go up and apologise. It's as simple as that. You guys overstepped the mark. Make an effort to right your wrong or act like a prick for the rest of youre life, it's up to you.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

Based on the responses here, I have given up on him for now. He will know where to find us, but if he wants to be a drama queen and won't accept an apology (more than the rest of us ever got) then you are right.

**** Him.

Doodee

Well TBH, if u were his friends you shouldnt have teased him so bad.
Stuff means different things to different ppl, just cause you thought it was ok, he may not have, you obviously hurt him lots, and if u really care about his friendship then you should just accept responcibility for your actions. You shouldnt just turn your back on him cause he wont accept your appologise, you should make it up to him.

then again, it depends on wheither u feel like taking responcibility and accepting the blame.

Sposs

Originally posted by Angrywords

**** Him.

Glad your Not my Friend.

Wook

I agree, glad your not my friend.
I can assume that this 'friend' of yours didnt ran away with the first comment you and your pals made.. and making fun of somebody by using 'personal' attacks is not really the so called 'slagging off'. It's just annoying and with loads of people you would get a swift reply or a boot up the arse but other are just insecure especialy if attacked in a group (which doesnt represent and adult like attitude or is as decent as a **** in somebody elses house.

neuro-praxis

I feel really encouraged by the strength of people's convictions in this thread, and I'm pretty disappointed that the original poster has chosen to take the easy way out and step into self-righteousness.

Angry Words: true, if you have apologised, then your friend should try to forgive you. But we all know its not as easy as that...if you made the guy cry it must have been pretty cruel. I'm sure he feels humiliated not just by what you said but also by how you all saw his reaction to it.

You choosing to give up on him with an attitude of "Well, I apologised so he can go f*** himself" is a demonstration of how you are really not contrite for what you have done at all. If you were, you'd be regretful of how you've behaved and resolve to avoid making the same mistake. Instead, you qualify your behaviour by saying that he should have reacted the way you wanted him to and now he should forgive you.

Wise up. You behave like a child.

Edited for spellings

Zukustious

This isn't advice. You'll find it insulting but it may make you a better person.

DON'T BE AN ASS. YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS. BE LESS OF AN ASS AND YOU'LL GET RESPECT FROM PEOPLE. BE LESS OF AN ASS, AND YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SAY "I'M NOT AN ASS". SO IN SHORT, STOP BEING SUCH AN ASS!

sceptre

Originally posted by The Clown Man
Even a half friend would go and appologise, ball's in your court.

Apologise. He deserves an apology, you'll feel better for doing it. Then you need never mention it again. Life really is that simple.

The Clown Man

Exactly.

Your bad, mate.

You're the bastard if you don't.

You hit something that you can't see but he can. So settle it. Don't pussy out. There must be more to it than you can see. Find it, fix it. Please don't be an idiot.

I would not leave that shiit ever. I would not feel right about it.

LegacyUser

Maybe if he wasn't a cripple and ye weren't making wheelchair jokes this would never have happened eh?

ferdi

yeah ok, maybe you should say your sorry but he seems like a total drama queen bitch. do you want a friend who cant take a joke? and if your jibes were getting to much for him, he should have said something.

LegacyUser

Ok it looks like I need to explain a few things to you.

First off, i tried to apologise, I left phone messages and approached him in between lectures and nothing. The only reply I got was him brushing me off and calling me a bitch. Nice.

Secondly this guy is no angel himself, as i said, he has done his fair share of slagging people off.

To give more detail, basically one of the girls and him had gone home together after the Business and Legal ball a while back, and it was their first time as an 'item'. We all had a laugh about them as a couple, but they were never with each other again. After that we forgot about it for a while.

Anyhows one night more recently the girl confesses to me (as girls occasionally will) that he had been unable to 'perform' at all that night. Then the other day, the usual round of jokings were going on, i think what sparked it was he joked about the girl he had been with "hitting the pies" - and we unleashed this on him for a laugh ...

Since then he has been drama queen.

That is pretty much the full story, and I do consider myself a good friend, but he expects special treatment and wants to change the way this fun group is .. so yes. **** him.

Sam.

hussey

dude no wonder he is píssed!!

Not being able to preform is the worst thing you can slage someone about .. he is probably deeply hurt by this .. as you said they were never with each other again ... what happens if he liked this girl and wanted to meet her again but couldn't cause of his limp biscuit?

if it was just some random girl he picked up do ya think he would react the same??

Hatchie

Angrywords I joined the boards to specifically reply to you.

I happen to have a few (only a few) years more experience in life than you, and what you and your mates did to that guy isnt what I would term a slag. A joke is only a joke when all parties know and enjoy it. This isnt a slag about something silly like who he got off with last night or the state of him or how he puked etc.
What you lot did, attacks his very manhood and his sense of being a man. The poor guy is probably worried sick about that night, and now you all know, he probably doesnt know where to turn an probably assumes everyone is laughing at him.
Know you guys probably arent but you have to look at it from his point of view.
Put yourself in his shoes, how would u feel if it was you that couldnt performor whatever and then you came into uni and got a slagging from your friends?????
There was a definite EVIL streak to your so called Slag, dont be so self centred and apologise again an explain to him that you realise it was an issue and shouldnt have slagged and be there for him.
The fact that you asking people their opinions shows that deep down you know you did wrong and are looking for someone to say --- cos you said sorry its ok -- well thats not how life works.

Do the right thing and fix your mistakes

Cheers , Just hope you listen and learn this lesson now in life and not later or you will regret it later on -- trust me

Wook

Originally posted by Angrywords
To give more detail, basically one of the girls and him had gone home together after the Business and Legal ball a while back, and it was their first time as an 'item'. We all had a laugh about them as a couple, but they were never with each other again. After that we forgot about it for a while.

Anyhows one night more recently the girl confesses to me (as girls occasionally will) that he had been unable to 'perform' at all that night. Then the other day, the usual round of jokings were going on, i think what sparked it was he joked about the girl he had been with "hitting the pies" - and we unleashed this on him for a laugh ...

.

It's much easier for girls to perform then guy's don't you think ? you just use your lazy back on the bed and wait until it finished.
Hence little can go wrong. It's an easy target, it's sad for the guy, I can understand he is highly embarrassed but you... are like he said ... a b..argh nevermind...

ferdi

he couldnt perform? mmehh, happens to the best of us.

Sposs

Its not Unusual you say it was after a Ball he'd prob being drinking all nite and was fluttered,we've all be there.

Your Friend should apologise too for telling you in the first place.

evie

Ok angrywords, interesting situation. I can see why you can't understand why he got so upset, you're thinking "he's such a wimp, he can't even take a joke". Like you said he's well able to mock and laugh at other people but he can't take it himself?? It does seem a bit rich.

However, you mocked him about something that obviously he is very embarrassed about. When people get mocked about personal issues they get very upset and very angry. I can see why he lashed out and he won't talk to you. Did he ever mock you about something that personal? Like what? How did you react? Put yourself in his shoes. It's almost verging on bullying or like mocking somebody's mother if you get me.

I'm not a guy (Thank God) but surprisingly enough, they have feelings too, and just because you thought it was a joke doesn't mean it was water off a ducks back for him.

Think about it. You may need to grovel but it will be worth it.

ballooba

Always knew you Business and Legal crowd were just trying to make up for your dodgy todgers.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Kai

Couldnt perform.

happened to a guy i know and he got a load of slagging about it, laughed it off and that was that.

Ok so ya can see how your friend might have taken a lot of offence to this, i still think he is over-reacting. But that doesnt matter. just try and get him talking again, make sure he knows it was just piss taking. If he is still acting like a queen then what does he expect.
Ask yourself this, if you and your friends positions were reversed, would he have slagged you in the same way ? If the answer is yes then f.uck him, if the answer is no then youve lost a true friend so get grovelling.

Hatchie

frugu
you're friend had same problem but did you???
not everyone will react same as your friend
how would you react if you had that problem??? always use that to gauge against before giving advise.
if you had the problem i am sure you wouldnt laugh it off -- i for one wont be laughing if it happened to me -- i'd be freaked out and embaressed and upset what i am sure that other guy is feeling right know
so i understand why he seems a bit of a drama queen when looking at it from someones elses point of view
put yourself in his shoes and then give advise not advise like my friends friend or my dads cat's uncle try to see how much suffering the guy is going through. rmemeber everyone doesnt react like your friend
Not a lecture just a pointer

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Sposs
Glad your Not my Friend.

I AGREE WITH THE ABOVE POST.

Kai

im not saying everyone reacts the same as my friend, what i meant was that it happens. its how you deal with it that matters.

Lets look at the problem for a second, its more than likely caused by a confidence issue. I never said he wouldnt be upset or embarrassed.
But if someone comes up and tries to apologise for taking the piss and the guy just ignores them or whatever, then thats his problem. If people keep coming up to him and say im really sorry cos it hurt you so much when we took the piss then he is going to feel as if its a bigger problem than it is.
He probably regrets the way he reacted and the best thing to do is just give him time to get over it. I dont think going up to him and trying to apologise to him is the best way to deal with it cos it clearly isnt what he wants.
He will get over it or he wont. if he doesnt come back to the group then thats his decision.

Ill admit i was wrong with the go **** him attitude, but i think there are times when an over emotional response to things isnt helpful at all.
No offence intended to anyone.