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DRINK! It's an evil thing!

  • 26-03-2003 1:52pm
    #1
    Rella
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33 ✭


    Stage 1 - CLEVER
    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
    in the known universe. You know you know everything and
    you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will
    listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course,
    the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for
    an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

    Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
    This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE
    person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You
    can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy
    you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you
    are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any
    subject under the sun.

    Stage 3 - RICH
    This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the
    room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you
    have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this
    stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally,
    you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you
    bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for
    everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are
    clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

    Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
    You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
    especially those with whom you have been betting or
    arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE.
    At this point you can also go up to the partners of the
    people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle
    of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle,
    because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're
    RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

    Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you
    can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can
    dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy
    because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
    You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You
    are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You
    can walk through the street singing at the top of your
    lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
    still CLEVER you know all the words.

    THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

    Stage 1 - STUPID
    As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the
    headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you
    realise that you have lost not only several hours of your
    life but also the ability to concentrate on anything
    whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a
    minimum of 12 hours.

    Stage 2 - UGLY
    Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom
    mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you
    have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought
    possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious
    collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
    grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are
    still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave
    whilst shaking.

    Stage 3 - POOR
    Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to
    shamble out the door when you discover that the money that
    was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet.
    Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the
    traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that
    you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point.
    Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you
    might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by
    mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have
    been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed,
    you come to believe that you were the only one who bought
    any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your
    friends.

    Stage 4 - FRAGILE
    As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently
    FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE
    physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter
    if anyone even speaks to you.

    Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
    This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately,
    everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause
    from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can
    complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are
    too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR
    to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.


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