Rules for dating...

Pompey Magnus

RULE 1 - Arriving For the Date
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.


RULE 2 - No Contact With My Daughter in My Presence
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.


RULE 3 - No Fashion Statements
I am aware that it is considered "fashionable" for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


RULE 4 - Sex and My Daughter Don't Mix
I'm sure that you've been told that today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am a barrier, and I will kill you.


RULE 5 - Communication with Me
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"


RULE 6 - Exclusive Dating Only
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


RULE 7 - Make Yourself Useful
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and, more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you make yourself useful, like changing the oil in my car?


RULE 8 - Places of Dating
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movie which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk' homes are better though.


RULE 9 - No Lying
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


RULE 10 - Ending the Date
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Wook

funny

jonno

Thats a bit harsh on the poor lad:p

Pugsley

rofl, some great ones there, poor bast*rd

AdMMM

Keep this thread away from parents... otherwise you'll be given a sheet of parer everytime you meet the parents

Pompey Magnus

Originally posted by [JcCM]Murderer
Keep this thread away from parents... otherwise you'll be given a sheet of parer everytime you meet the parents

something like this?

DATING APPLICATION FORM:
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank?

2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:

3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. waterbed? ____

6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____

*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue
application and leave immediately.*

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?

12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________

13. How often do you attend: ____________________________

14. When would be the best time to interview your mother,
father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________

15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my
____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my
____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is
____________________________

*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A",
discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and
running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best
of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm,
dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6
years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never
apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.