Musicians humour (not mine, vaguely funny)

Victor

"When I grow up, I want to be a musician."
"Well, you can't do both."

Two people were walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New age music.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

What's the definition of a string quartet?
A good violinist, a bad violinist, a failed violinist, and someone who hates all violinists.

Where does one find the obituaries of string players?
Under "Civic Improvements."

A band without brass and woodwinds is just a bunch of deadbeats....

Some scientists decided to test dogs to see if their behavior reflected on that of their owners. They got a dog from a mathematician, a physician, and a musician. They gave each dog a box of bones to see how they would react. The matematician's dog lined up the bones in groups of 1s, 2s, and 3s. They physician's dog arranged the bones to form a skeleton. The musician's dog arrived 30 minutes late, ate all of his bones, screwed the other dogs, and left an hour early.

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: Violinist: 25 feet; Bad violinist: 50 feet; Tone deaf guitar player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet; 15-year-old electric guitar player with a Nirvana fixation: 100 feet; Accordionist: 60 miles

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.

Theme and Variation:
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?
The seamstress tucks and frills.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
The seamstress says, "Tuck the frills."

What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A demented chord.


New Orchestra Terms and Definitions
Coined by the Akron Symphony Orchestra Horn Section
Compiled by Darcy Hamlin (Prin. Horn)

ASSTEOPOROSIS: (n.) A disease caused by torturous devices known as rehearsal chairs, causing excessive numbness, extreme pain, and general discomfort to the orchestra musician's ass.

SLOG: (v.) 1. To attempt to mentally wade through the excruciatingly tedious and lengthy moments of orchestra rehearsals, or in more extreme cases, actual performances. 2. To employ a rowing motion with one's horn to the right of one's chair, as one would an oar, to convey that one is in the process of slogging.

SLOGFEST: (n.) Any lugubriously long period of time (i.e., a service of 2.5 hours in length) consumed by the process of slogging. Ex: "This rehearsal is a real slogfest!"

PICKLED BEATS: (pl. n.) Unintelligible movements made by the conductor.

DIEABEATIES: (n.) A disease that conductors frequently demonstrated by slowing down incrementally while simultaneously instructing the orchestra not to drag.

BARFWRITUS: (n.) A disease among composers which immobilizes their ability to write tasteful, palatable, or accessible music.

MEASURE NUMBLE: (n.) An unintelligible starting point uttered by the conductor.

TREBLESHOOTING: (n.) The act undergone by a horn player to figure out why the %$&* s/he cannot attain a certain high note in question.

ASSMA: (n.) A respiratory condition which afflicts wind players caused by: (1) the consecutive repetition of ultra-slow upbeats which become false starts, or (2) spontaneous downbeats out of left field which are completely free of any kind of preparatory beat time for breathing.

LIPPLE: (n.) The red circle which appears on a brass player's upper lip when s/he stops playing and actually allows the blood to recirculate back into his or her face.

PEELATION: (n.) The state of euphoria caused by the highlight of urination during intermission of a slogfest.

TA****: (n.) 1. Any extended period of time during which a musician is denied the menial amusement of attempting to play his or her instrument during a slogfest. 2. (v.) The act of crashing in (usually as a soloist) with the next movement's fffffffffff entrance, having overlooked the printed "TACET" movement.

METROGNOMES: (pl. n.) The tiny, pesky creatures residing in a conductor's undies which, upon biting their host's ass, cause random variations in tempi which are often quite spastic.

BOWJOB: (n.) The urgent interruption of an orchestra rehearsal by the concertmaster to pompously proclaim an emergency bowing.

TURTLENECROPHILIA: (n.) A common disorder among conductors involving an unnatural compulsion to wear turtlenecks at all times.

Gordon

Heh very funny.

I did have a joke some time ago about a drum fill. Something like "Which world leader would make the best drummer?" "Slobodan Milosovic" was the answer. (ah t'was funny if you say it right!)

Tyrrial

Some of them are really good.
others are a bit.......
well crap



(most are good)

Hellrazer

Q.Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine??

A.You only punch the information into a drum machine once.



Q.How do you know theres a drummer at your door?????

A.You have to tell them when to come in.

SoundWave

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

love it