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Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

  • 04-02-2003 3:57pm
    #1
    woosaysdan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,093 ✭✭✭


    not sure if it was posted b4 but here it goes


    Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass empty
    Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet
    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face
    Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
    Action: Turn glass other way so that open end points towards ceiling!

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet
    Fault: Improper bladder control
    Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation!

    Symptom: Floor blurred
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass
    Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

    Symptom: Floor swaying
    Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar
    Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

    Symptom: Floor moving
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

    Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards
    Action: If your glass is full - and no one is standing on your drinking arm - stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts
    Fault: You have fallen forwards
    Action: See above

    Symptom: Everything has gone dark
    Fault: The pub is closed
    Action: Panic!!!

    Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.
    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter
    Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!


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