Jokes

TomTom

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before. The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night, I decided to drive home and got caught. Got two pints on my licence''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

TomTom

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. And, if you bought $ 1,000.00 worth of Worldcom at $16 dollars a share 1 year ago, it would now be worth $5.63. Forget ENRON as it does not compute.

That's a total of $54.63.

However, if you bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser or Miller Lite (the beer, not the stock) @ $11.99 per case one year ago(83.4 cases) and drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the 10 cents per each aluminum can deposit, you would have $200.

Therefore, I suggest that it is financially prudent in these troubled times to drink heavily and recycle.

TomTom

"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of--Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

TomTom

IN PRISON:....The majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON....You get three meals a day. AT WORK....You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON....You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON....A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON....You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON....You get your own toilet. AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON....They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON....All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON....You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON....You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK....You get fired if you get caught. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

_sheep

roffled numerous times, keep the jokes comming tomtom

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead" oh did i get strange looks when i starting holding my stomach and laughing

Pugsley

Loved the last set

Sangre

Originally posted by TomTom

Got two pints on my licence''

LoL thats a MUCH better idea!