**Those** quotes

Victor

Some oldies, but goodies.

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'When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one.'
RTE Commentator George Hamilton

'That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually.'
Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.

'The referendum went as most people hoped it would'
Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process.

'Clap your feet!'
Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

'British Army bomb disposal squads who attempt to defuse car bombs early and before areas are properly evacuated will be responsible for endangering civilian lives.'
IRA statement 1988.

'He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!'.
George Hamilton as Butreguanio comes off against Ireland.

'The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed them?'
Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes.

'We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds'.
Rev. Ian Paisley.

'If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to shine so much brighter in order to be noticed.'
Bono.

'What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer.'
Aer Lingus spokesman.

'Deep down I'm a very shallow person.'
Charles Haughey.

'I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough.'
Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

Larry Gogan: 'With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?'
Contestant: 'Hamlet'.

Larry Gogan: 'Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? .... I'll give you a hint It's something you suck....'
Contestant: 'Oh, Dickie Davies' (Murray Walker is the correct answer)

Larry Gogan: 'What was Jeeve's occupation?'
Contestant: 'He was a carpenter'.

Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force, subversion or violence?
Applicant: Violence.

Ian Dempsey: 'What would you give Andrew and Sarah as a wedding present?'
Caller: 'I'd live to give Fergie AIDS and put a bomb up Andy's hole'.

Larry Gogan: 'What do you call a female cow?' ....

'Stephen Roche, the only British or Irish cyclist to win the Tour De France'.
ITV commentator.

'I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it'.
Jack Charlton on hurling.

'Outside HIV in Grafton Street'
Gay Byrne plugging Hot House Flowers appearance.

THOSE DISGRACEFUL MADONNA PICTURES - FOUR PAGE SPECIAL INSIDE
The Sun

VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE – LENIHAN
Irish Times

CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM
Evening Herald

MRS REAGAN BETTER AFTER FALL
Irish Times

SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA
Irish Times

DOG SHOOTS MAN
Evening Press

TEENAGE MUTANT BINGE AT THURLES
Feile '92

RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE
Star

MAN KEPT ARMS UNDER BED AFTER RELATIVE'S DEATH
Irish Times

DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH
Irish Times.

'A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into an allegation that a local garda shot a cow .... There has been no statement from the cow.'
Irish Press.

'Mrs Windsor can come and go as she wants'.
Gerry Adams on a visit by the Queen to Northern Ireland.

'I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo.... They can go out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And they deserve it'
John B. Keane.

Interviewer: 'Is it not dangerous to sell people knives called Rambo Knives?'
Shopkeeper: 'I wouldn't say so, a lot of them can't spell'

'I was called out to a non-existent phone call. When I returned I lifted my glass, smelled and said 'My God, this is foul, it smells like piss'. A voice from the back called out, 'We know, but whose?'
Wine connoisseur T.P. Whelehan at a tasting in Trinity College.

Jim Mitchell TD: You're always mixing me up with someone else.
Ceann Comhairle, Joe Brennan: Yes, I'm always confusing you with that fellow Mitchell.

'Ludicrous. Ridiculous.' 1989 edition of Collins Concise Dictionary defines the word 'Irish'.

'Get married again'. Charles Haughey to woman asking for an increase in the widows' pension.

Tellox

TEENAGE MUTANT BINGE AT THURLES

roffle!

Pep

Read em all before but they are still great LOL