Am I mingin... am I mingin... am I??

STaN · 13-10-2002 6:12pm #1

(in case you dont recognise the quote, or have heard it before and forget where its from... re: Jade from big brother)

This is however quite relevant to me because I am very self conscious about my looks. I think it started when i was young and I would generally not be approached by girls etc in primary school while 1 or 2 people in the class were. These were also the best looking guys in the class.

As the years went on and puberty hit, I began comparing myself to allot of my peers. Its like a life long episode of YFOM (you face or mine, on E4) and it is head wrecking. I'd compare facial features, skin, body etc

I'm 19 now and still doing it. I'm also gay and so I am generally keeping an eye out for guys eyeing me up or taking goo at the cream of the crop, the guys that could be models. I'm not one of them and this get comparing that goes on only adds to things. I can't help looking and i generally only keep an eye out for those I find attractive and maybe thats why? I dont find myself attractive anyway.

As far as i know i'm not ugly, but what would happen is that i put it into my head that the best looking people would in general be getting more attention and have a greater love life, and get approached more. Which tbh is what I want. I dont know why, it seem like i need some kind of regular reassurance or something.

I have been given compliments on my looks, and by my ex and his friends that i am georgeous. However i take this as plagorism and that they really dont mean it or something along those lines. I put myself down, I dont know why. I was even comparing myself to my ex on regular basis, previous partners, looks, the amount of times he was solicited etc.

Ive only really been in the one relationship and it lasted for a year and then there were the irregular periods where we would get together and break up again which lasted another year. There has been nothing for 6 months now besides a small amount of the usual approaches by asians. (not racist btw, just dont find them overly attractive)

I also only seem to get approached by people one or two years older than me and foreigners (especially of asian origin) for some reason. I also seem to attract foreigners of the oposite sex and this was the case for allot of the girls in my last school. I get the occasional whistle from girls at night when im stopped at trafic lights, or by young girls saying "do ye like heur" etc. I generally dismiss these.

It really bothers me and I get quite down when I dont feel attractive and quite good when I do. It's a real roller coaster.

Does this sound familiar to any1 else?

Any advice/help?

DeVore · 13-10-2002 6:25pm

"if we all looked the same, we'd grow tired of looking at each other..."

I wouldnt worry about it.

DeV.

yellum · 13-10-2002 6:39pm

"all the good looking ones are either married or gay "

This statement is 100% true. So don't fret. :P

chernobyl · 13-10-2002 6:41pm

Originally posted by yellum
"all the good looking ones are either married or gay "

That quote is either Sex and the City or Ally McBeal, either way...stop now.

phreak · 13-10-2002 6:47pm

Originally posted by yellum
"all the good looking ones are either married or gay "

ffs, that means i'm a bad one

swiss · 13-10-2002 7:18pm

STaN, you're absolutely gorgeous.

I've never met you before. I have no idea what you look like, so how do I know this? The answer is, I don't

. But what reason do you have to believe it isn't true. Just because fella's aren't lining themselves up one after another just for a glimpse at you doesn't by any stretch of the imagination indicate that you cannot find a partner.

I've spoken to very good looking people, some of whom I found to be some of the most vacuous, uninteresting automoton's of my acquaintance. While they are good looking I would not consider going out with them. I admit that it is helpful to have a good looking partner for several reasons, but when it comes down to it, some of the people I find attractive may not generally be considered good looking in the platonic sense.

Do you think that it's a problem being on the lookout for good looking guys? Hell, I do that all the time

. While I am conscious of my looks I also would not be ruled by them, I would not entertain any notion that I am 'ugly' stop me from chatting up some fit bloke, if I thought I had a chance.

I have been given compliments on my looks

Then take them as such. I have as well from time to time, and it's flattering really, although sometimes I question the motives of those who compliment me, I do feel that they are genuine. We all have our off days. We all feel sometimes like (to borrow a saying) we've fell off the 'ugly' tree and hit every branch on the way down

. Me more than most

Also, I've noticed that you castigate yourself over the fact that you've 'only' been in one relationship. Do you know how many serious relationships I have been in? i.e more than a week (if you could call that serious). None. I seriously don't know whether my standards are too high (I have turned down offers) or whether I don't have a mentality that lends itself easily to the concept of committment. I don't let it worry me (usually). I don't let it change my approach whenever I go out with friends, or to a niteclub.

t really bothers me and I get quite down when I dont feel attractive and quite good when I do

All I can say is that it is best not to let your perceived looks dictate your mood. We have enough in our lives to contend with without adding this extra burden.

Go read my first sentence. Re-read it. If you can believe it without getting conceited, then you are well on your way.

yellum · 13-10-2002 7:34pm

Yeah. What the swiss youngfellar said. I can't improve on that. Well said.

logic1 · 13-10-2002 7:37pm

If you're unhappy with how you look then change it. You can't change your face but you can change your body. Work out, build muscle or lost faet or put on fat whatever makes you happy. You don't have to sit around moping with low self esteem. Do something about it.

.logic.

13-10-2002 9:54pm

Originally posted by yellum
Yeah. What the swiss youngfellar said. I can't improve on that. Well said.

I wholeheartedly endorse that statement

STaN,
Judge yourself on your achievements so far and from what I've read of your posts on this board, you've achieved a lot.

So my advice to you is to forget about your looks and comparing yourself to others and take on board what Swiss has said.
Above all when you are choosing, who to hang out with , make sure it's with people that make you happy.
Heck I've been doing that especially in the last few months and *cough* people have been noticing:p
mm

segadreamcast · 13-10-2002 10:08pm

STaN - you remind me vaguely of myself in this sense, thus I have no idea why I'm posting this since I have no terribly constructive thoughts of my own...

However, I'd have to agree with many others in saying that I wholeheartedly believe Swiss is right

.

oneweb · 13-10-2002 10:19pm

Maybe people don't approach you 'cos when they look at you, they can see that worried look in your eyes, caused by you fretting underneath, wondering if you're good enough for them.

Maybe another reason guys don't approach you is 'cos they think you're not interested in other blokes!

It's your attitude with life that'll get you noticed more than anything else!

Tellox · 13-10-2002 10:56pm

well said swiss
btw, are one of those good lookin fellers me

red_ice · 13-10-2002 11:18pm

Stan, tbh i get the same feeling...

I feel that i am not the best lookin bloke - but my gf tells me otherwise.. I feel that she is amazing in looks and peronality, and i know she is way outa my league, but she tends to say otherwise...

I know it sounds corney, but beauty is on the inside (im not saying that you aint a looker i dont know you).

If you feel that you aint attracting the people that you like its prolly coz you approach them the wrong way. I know this for a fact.. because people enjoy a chase and will do anything to prolong this.

Before i was takin, no girls even looked past me - let alone at me... Now that i dont care and that i am takin, i dont bother lookin for girls or another relationship and i talk to people as i am - not as if i was on the pull...
I later find out that they (some) like me and want me..
I feel from what you are posting and what you have already stated that you are way to concious of your looks, and that you are looking for too much attention.. which is normal but a major turn off to potential partners..

My advise to you is to relax! You most likely are a great lookin bloke, and the reason that you dont get the people that you like is coz maybe your too strong - you say you attract the people that you aint interested in... well thats my point proven, you dont try with them you just be yourself! So do that with the people that you like!!

It will all fit into place sooner or later, just relax and be patient!

reD.

Shinji · 13-10-2002 11:20pm

Whether this is important depends entirely on what you're looking for. If you're in search of a quick shag you're not going to get it for your positive outlook on life and sparkling wit. If you're keen on a proper relationship, spending an hour a day perfecting your hair isn't getting you there any faster.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you look in the mirror, the only person beholding is you. Your belief that you're not attractive, if you really believe that, is almost certainly nothing to do with what you ACTUALLY look like, and more to do with what you see reflected in the glass and your own perception of your personality and the person you are. Consider this; do you like yourself as a person? Do you think you're a worthwhile human being who's good to know? Do you think that if you met yourself in a pub, you'd want to get to know this person better?

Disliking your own appearance might just be your subconscious telling you something about the way you're acting or living your life on a far more fundamental level...

Pepe LeFrits · 13-10-2002 11:34pm

Originally posted by red_ice
Stan, tbh i get the same feeling...

I feel that i am not the best lookin bloke - but my gf tells me otherwise.. I feel that she is amazing in looks and peronality, and i know she is way outa my league, but she tends to say otherwise...

I know it sounds corney, but beauty is on the inside (im not saying that you aint a looker i dont know you).

If you feel that you aint attracting the people that you like its prolly coz you approach them the wrong way. I know this for a fact.. because people enjoy a chase and will do anything to prolong this.

Before i was takin, no girls even looked past me - let alone at me... Now that i dont care and that i am takin, i dont bother lookin for girls or another relationship and i talk to people as i am - not as if i was on the pull...
I later find out that they (some) like me and want me..
I feel from what you are posting and what you have already stated that you are way to concious of your looks, and that you are looking for too much attention.. which is normal but a major turn off to potential partners..

My advise to you is to relax! You most likely are a great lookin bloke, and the reason that you dont get the people that you like is coz maybe your too strong - you say you attract the people that you aint interested in... well thats my point proven, you dont try with them you just be yourself! So do that with the people that you like!!

It will all fit into place sooner or later, just relax and be patient!

reD.

Mark, you're hot. Seriously. Remember, i've seen nearly all of you naked.

Call me!

daveirl · 13-10-2002 11:37pm

This post has been deleted.

sceptre · 13-10-2002 11:53pm

Class post swiss

Advice in there for all of us.

BuffyBot · 14-10-2002 7:27am

Originally posted by NoelRock
STaN - you remind me vaguely of myself in this sense, thus I have no idea why I'm posting this since I have no terribly constructive thoughts of my own...

However, I'd have to agree with many others in saying that I wholeheartedly believe Swiss is right .

Lazyness on my part - Go with what Swiss said

WhiteWashMan · 14-10-2002 7:37am

learn to accept ourself.
learn to take a compliment.
learn to stop worrying.
youre here to enjoy, not spend your entire life worying about something that you cant change.
buy a thesarus and look up a few of your out-of-context words.

Mercury_Tilt · 14-10-2002 8:41am

This post has been deleted.

jd · 14-10-2002 8:57am

Originally posted by STaN

Any advice/help?

Be a little less self absorbed....

Yurmasyurda · 14-10-2002 9:04am

Originally posted by STaN

Any advice/help?

I too had this problem but then I realised beauty is infact in the eye of the beholder! Don't worry about your looks too much, they can't be changed and anyway why would you want to? Just be happy with who you are and the ball will start rolling for you. Oh and by the way it's not only you with the asians and foreigners

swiss · 14-10-2002 9:07am

Originally posted by Tizlox:

btw, are one of those good lookin fellers me

Fishing for compliments eh tellox? Nah, I'm referring to people who never heard of TFC. I enjoy pwning your ass (no innuendo intended

) too much at that game. You're not vacuous, your hatred of certain telco's fills in that void

. As for good looking, well take what I said to STaN and apply it to yourself (no I won't tell you what part).

Thanks everyone for backing me up btw. I know it is more difficult to practice advice in a real life situation, but hopefully you'll take something from everyone here who pretty much all agree that how good looking you are isn't as important as how you perceive yourself.

Shinji · 14-10-2002 9:44am

Okay, and next up on tonight's exciting episode of Swiss' Dating Forum...

WhiteWashMan · 14-10-2002 10:07am

DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY?

WELL?

DO I?

DO I MAKE YOU RANDY?

DeVore · 14-10-2002 10:23am

No.

DeV.

Beruthiel · 14-10-2002 10:36am

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY?

WELL?

DO I?

DO I MAKE YOU RANDY?

nope

Mercury_Tilt · 14-10-2002 10:40am

This post has been deleted.

STaN · 14-10-2002 10:47am

what out of context words?

I like to think that im not superficial, especially inrelation to others, its just myself i worry about. Like i wouldnt be attracted to me, that kind of way.

WhiteWashMan · 14-10-2002 11:13am

Originally posted by DeVore
No.

DeV.

in that case, stop looking at my girlfriends tits when she puts clips in your hair in future.
mind you, at least we know you arent gay now

mind you, if you were gay, youd be horny right now

YEAH BABY!

Beruthiel · 14-10-2002 11:14am

Originally posted by STaN
its just myself i worry about. Like i wouldnt be attracted to me, that kind of way.

we can all be overly critical of the way we look STaN, it's your attitude you need to change, as swiss said, you've gotta look in the mirror and tell yourself how gorgeous you are!

Cake Fiend · 14-10-2002 6:22pm

Everyone goes through this at your age. I'm hardly Brad Pitt, but apparently I'm still a little pot of sex0r. I don't think so, but I don't let it bother me. You shouldn't either.

plastic membrane · 15-10-2002 1:11pm

It happens to everyone at some point. We wonder how we look to others. I was at that for a long time, but now i don't give a toss. Point is, as Billy Connolly once said, at some juncture, even the fattest, most obese man in the planet (eg Fat Bastard from Austin Powers) will look in the mirror and think: "Yeah baby ! Killer!". Your a looker m8. We all are..

Jak · 15-10-2002 2:56pm

I don't mean to sound too harsh, but the excessively supportive 'hugs and cuddles' approach here is a tad sickening.

The comments here focus on personality, esteem, confidence etc. and yes these are things that are to some degree within your control and by all means get the most out of them.

But you asked about physical beauty. Now I am a believer that everybody out there has a shot with someone because of 'types' and 'preferences' but I'm guessing you were thinking about mainstream beauty. The examples of this beauty are found everyday in popular media - people who turn heads in bars and on the street ... and there is a good chance you aren't one of them. But don't get overly concerned as they are a minority.

I would suggest that if you have been out and about in life for a while now, and you don't find yourself getting chatted up or getting much attention that just maybe you don't have the looks to get by on that alone. So stop expecting it and play to your other strengths to get the best you can.

JAK.

Matfinn · 19-10-2002 4:29pm

Stick yourself on www.hotornot.com and find out. This is not a sure fire way of actually telling if your good looking. Im getting a 9.4 ffs

. Its some indication anyway, but its nothing to go by. The ladies reel and part when they see me. Im about as attractive to them as a poedohpile in a barney suit.

STaN · 19-10-2002 5:02pm

lol

whats the url

yellum · 19-10-2002 5:58pm

Its not this one anyway:

http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=KRERNSG&key=BSF

Thats Mordeth

Couldn't resist sorry Cillian

daveirl · 19-10-2002 6:53pm

This post has been deleted.

Am I mingin... am I mingin... am I??

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