How much do we owe our parents?

neuro-praxis

My friend and I were discussing this topic this afternoon.

How much do we owe our parents? Should we take on responsibility of their well-being when they get older? Should we be attempting to repay them for the sacrifices they have made in our lives?

Or, do we have no responsibility at all - only to be good parents to our own children?

Should we be repaying parents financially, or in some other way? If they became unable to live alone, should we take them in and look after them they way they looked after us, or should we put them in a home? Is putting them in a home okay?

And lastly, does how we repay them depend on how well we get on with them?

It's an interesting topic; I'd love to hear people's ideas on it.

pickarooney

About €4.25

Victor

I'm not sure. At 30, I am rebelling in a way most teenagers do, by trying to have as little contact with them as possible.

---

American joke from the 1980's

Father calls son into his study.
Father: Well son you are now 18, a man of the world.
Son (grins): Yes, dad.
Father: Son I'd like to talk to you about money.
Son (optimistic): Of course.
Father: Son, you owe your mother and I $210,000.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

BuffyBot

I've just been thinking about this a lot lately.

My father died nearly 3 years ago - leaving my mother on her own. As the youngest of my family, I feel a responsibility for to take care of things as life goes on - especially as I come to realise how much they did for me through my crazy years

DadaKopf

It very much depends on how much you value duty. Personally, I'm of the opinion we have a lifelong duty to our parents and we must look after them.

If you feel your parents did nothing for you, wou have to ask yourself: are you willing to be dutiful and generous and willing to forgive?

Borzoi

I agree with DadKopf, responsibility goes both ways, up and dowwn the family tree.

Nevertheless, there's no way I'm looking after my folks - it's off to the home you go.

GoneShootin

i owe my dad €200 for some RAM and DVD's after a used his credit card

Blitzkrieger

Simple answer : We owe them nothing and we owe them everything.

pickarooney

Don't pay them back, pay it forward to your kids, safe in the kowledge that they too will abandon you once they're legally allowed to skip town.

Beruthiel

speaking as a parent
my daughter owes me nothing but perhaps some respect and to remember I exist once in a while

of course if she happens to become a millionaire, I get half!

Shinji

What you owe to your parents is a decent upbringing to your own children.

yellum

Whatever they want really. They really are cool people. I barely get on with them at times but they give me my space and respect what I say and do and are always there if I need help.

When I compare them to the parents of some of my friends I feel so proud.

If I ever become a parent I'd hope to be as good as them, but I will never ever make my kid wear horrible wolly aaran jumpers. Torture they were, pure horrible torture, but I've moved on now.

neuro-praxis

I wonder about Dadakopf's response. You're right; it does depend on how much you value duty, but is it realistic or even indeed right to always honour your parents?

Sometimes it isn't simply a case of forgiveness. It is possible to forgive someone without pledging lifelong duty to them. In fact, if you have rather domineering parents, or parents who have severely damaged you, it may well be very destructive to always attempt to please them.

I suspect that to hold the philosophy that one should have a lifelong duty to one's parents presupposes the idea that all parents deserve that from their children.

I know a heck of a lot of parents who don't deserve the lifelong duty of their children (and quite a lot who do, by the way).

And can I ask aswell, how do you define lifelong duty? What does that entail?

And also: is it okay to pop your folks into a home or is it our responsibility to look after them in old age?

Victor

Originally posted by neuro-praxis
I wonder about Dadakopf's response. You're right; it does depend on how much you value duty, but is it realistic or even indeed right to always honour your parents? .... And also: is it okay to pop your folks into a home or is it our responsibility to look after them in old age?

I don't think there is any absolute obligation to honour a parent who has been abusive or violent in any way (to you or to another). To a degree it only goes to acknowledging them and trying to prevent them doing harm to others and themselves. Regarding the nursing home, I'm of two minds. They changed your nappies, but at the same time, caring for an elderly person is often more difficult than caring for a child.

DMC

Very good topic by the way.....

I wonder is it different if there is a big age gap between you and your parents?

Looking at mine, my father is approaching the pension age and my folks' 40th wedding anniversary next year and believe me, looking back at 2 years ago, we're glad that he's got to this stage. He had a heart attack then, and was quite lucky to come out ok and return to work (hard manual labour, man and boy) but not as much as he was used to. So, when he goes to the doctor or has a cough, we are all the more concerned than we were before, because we have seen him vulnerable, and realise he's not the same man he was. My point being, the more vulnerable they are, the more you care for them, and not just physically.

I'm in my mid 20's, and I'm sure its a different relationship between me and my folks and say a late teen with their parents who are in their early 40's or so. The nursing home is a long way away for these people.
Ireland was a different place when my parents were courtin' than someone in who's parents got together in the late 70's / early 80's, so its safe to assume that with the age gap, the relationship between parents and children change.

pro_gnostic_8

You owe them nothing! Neither is any duty incumbent upon you for their maintenance in later life.

When we were conceived, our parents were indulging in self-gratification and responding to a biological drive to procreate. Of course they nurtured us, fed and protected us when we were young, but, they do not merit any medals for this. All species of the animal kingdom do just this -- it is natural instinct. We, too, will similarly provide for our offspring when the time comes.

. This is not a "Hate Your Parents" teenage angst thing, but a plea that you focus your life on YOUR happiness and contentment. Your parents have had their share of happiness.... now it is your time and turn. For too long in rural Ireland the lives of generations of Irish 50-y-o bachelors and spinsters were blighted and half-lived thru' looking after aged parents. By all means, love and cherish your parents but do not be persuaded that their need to contribute to the human gene pool and ensure their lineage requires a quid pro quo from you to sacrifice your independence and resources to maintain them in their old age.

If you and your partner "get it on" tonight , is the child that issues obliged to maintain you in fifty years time?

McGinty

I believe that you don't owe your parents anything. As a parent myself I do not want my son to be burden by me in my old age. First of all parents in most cases choose to have a child for their own desire. I chose to have my son, because I felt the biological pull and a desire to procreate. As a parent it is my duty and responsibity to care for my child, to love and nurture him, to teach right from wrong. Parenting at times is a thankless task but it is also rewarding, teaches the parent so much and develops more life skills than any other job I know. So the parent gains an awful lot to, plus the next generation is carried forward.

However if the child WANTED to take care of elderly parents, then that is different, I personally don't want to look after my parents when they become elderly for reasons above, they are pretty good parents, not perfect and we have had problems but then I have problems with my son too.

Financially a child cannot repay the parent but that should never, in my opinion come into the equation. I hate the attitude, 'I brought you into the world, therefore you owe me, I sweated and slaved for you'. That is such a selfish attitude, because people chose to become parents and if one didn't there is always abortion or adoption.

neuro-praxis

You were doing well with me there until your parting comment!