I think that a friend of mine is gay

LegacyUser · 30-09-2002 3:27pm #1

and i have no idea how to deal with the situation if he came out.

you might say, it has nothing to do with me, but ive known him for a few years and hes a good friend. and i'd prefer to know how to deal with it if it came up.

i have no notion of approaching him about it as that would be the quickest way to lose a friend if they were'nt gay.
But are there any signs that i should look out for?

dont even bother with the stereotypical signs, because hes anything but typical.

WhiteWashMan · 30-09-2002 3:45pm

why dont you stop worrying about what you want ad worry about what your friend wants?

if he comes out, then fine, if he doesnt respect it. besides, you could be completely wrong.
havent you got anything better to be doing than worrying about other peoples sexuality anyway. does it really matter who he fúcks?

Beruthiel · 30-09-2002 3:54pm

and i have no idea how to deal with the situation if he came out.

what's to deal with?
so what if he is, do you intend to treat him different or something?
never assume anything about anyone until they tell you to, just 'cos you think he is, doesn't mean he is. Why make hassle for yourself and him where there is none, there are enough things in life to worry about without wondering about 'what if'....
and.....
if he is, you deal with it by saying 'cool' and carry on as before.

wwm - gentle as ever I see..

logic1 · 30-09-2002 7:11pm

Kill him.

.logic.

Shinji · 30-09-2002 7:15pm

have no idea how to deal with the situation if he came out.

There's nothing /to/ deal with. If you think you already know, when he tells you, you say "yeah I know, it's cool" and then continue as normal.

What's the problem?

Mercury_Tilt · 30-09-2002 10:42pm

This post has been deleted.

Shinji · 30-09-2002 10:53pm

You know, just when I thought I'd worked out Merc, off he goes and finds yet another cache of extraordinarily powerful drugs....

Er, he does have a point buried in all that somewhere though. The knowledge that your friend is gay shouldn't change anything about the dynamic of your relationship, and if you try and tread on eggshells around him or ponder every word you say, you'll only end up insulting him and growing apart from him because you're not comfortable with him any more.

Nobody's died. He hasn't got a fatal disease that gives him six months to live. He just fancies having sex with other blokes (you probably NOT included, sunshine

) - no big deal. Nothing changes, you just carry on as normal, slag him off as a friend same way you always would, do the same things you always would... And if he ever tells you that some bloke you walk past is gorgeous, you're still entirely entitled to scream "TOO MUCH INFORMATION" at him

logic1 · 01-10-2002 8:02am

Don't ever go for a piss in the pub at the same time. He's bound to try and **** you in the ass.

.logic.

LegacyUser · 01-10-2002 8:17am

Originally posted by logic1:

Don't ever go for a piss in the pub at the same time. He's bound to try and **** you in the ass

Speaking from personal experience logic

?

Anyway, I'll just say "what he said" and agree with the previous posters (well, maybe not logic). Just be cool, don't act like it's a big deal and try to be supportive if he asks.

Also, I wonder on what basis you deem him to be a possible homosexual. I know some people who are quite camp and yet are completely heterosexual and others who are straight acting who are in actuality about as straight as a roundabout. If he got drunk one night and snogged another man then yeah that's a pretty good indication but unless it was something obvious like that I'd be careful before speculating too much as to his sexuality. If he's likely to be gay because he's not "typical" then I think half the boards population is likely to be gay

swiss · 01-10-2002 8:20am

D'oh, that was me above. Goddamit, I never make the mistake of posting unregistered (usually)

WhiteWashMan · 01-10-2002 8:22am

Originally posted by swiss
D'oh, that was me above. Goddamit, I never make the mistake of posting unregistered (usually)

do i make you horny baby?

Borzoi · 01-10-2002 8:45am

Originally posted by Shinji

The knowledge that your friend is gay shouldn't change anything about the dynamic of your relationship, and if you try and tread on eggshells around him or ponder every word you say, you'll only end up insulting him and growing apart from him because you're not comfortable with him any more.

Absolutely agree here, carry on as normal, keep making the same jokes etc. A friend of mine said that that was when he knew I was ok, when I kept on with the same ol slagging.

And of course hit them for drinks to cope with 'the shock'

BuffyBot · 01-10-2002 9:09am

Originally posted by Unregistered
and i have no idea how to deal with the situation if he came out.

Like the others say, you go "Ok, cool" and get on with life. They don't do a support pack or handouts

goose · 01-10-2002 10:05am

I wouldnt recomend confronting him about it.

For some people it takes time, firstly to come to terms with being Gay, then to decide to tell mates.

remember it took me ages to get round to finally telling all my close college mates. then chinese whispers took over.

If someone had confronted me about my sexuality before i had become comfortable with it, i would have run a million miles scared.

Just be cool about it when he does decide to tell you. And maybe one or two very subtle hints that you would be cool about it if he did decide to tell you.

Typedef · 01-10-2002 10:43am

And your friend being gay is relevant to your life how?
Exactly.

If he hits on you and you aren't receptive then perhaps it's relevant when you say 'sorry I'm striaght' else is whinging and or borderline homophobia.

logic1 · 01-10-2002 10:50am

Originally posted by Typedef
And your friend being gay is relevant to your life how?

Yeah Typedef being gay has never hurt anybody. Good for you Typey.

P.S. Swiss is only looking for contact details.. although he is quite the catch.

.logic.

swiss · 01-10-2002 1:24pm

Originally posted by logic1:

Swiss is only looking for contact details.. although he is quite the catch

Oh no, logic has found me out. Give me the details, I'll tell you whether he's gay or not

Anyway, to prevent this thread degenerating into the spam that marked the last thread of this nature here, I'd like to point out that Typedef is correct (and I agree with him for once) when he says that the issue of his sexuality does not really concern you unless you think he's attracted to you or unless you're attracted to him (you haven't told us whether you're male/female or gay/straight).

Obviously he's your friend but unless you're concerned that the issue of his sexality is bothering him (if he's acting strangely, dropping clues etc) then I'm sorry to say that it's not really your place to force the issue. Just stay kewl, be there for him (if he needs you and/or you're comfortable with that) and remember that no matter who he fancies, he's still the same bloke you always knew.

Best of luck with that anyway. (WWM, you tease

)

logic1 · 01-10-2002 1:34pm

Originally posted by swiss

be there for him if he needs you

Haha e.g. bend over.

.logic.

LegacyUser · 01-10-2002 2:17pm

Unregggie, you sound quite young, like early teens.

I think when we were all quite young we considered what we would do if one of our friends turned out to be gay.

All this stuff is good advice.

You don't have to do anything; trust me - if he turns out to be gay the novelty of having your first gay friend will wear off in a matter of hours. It's a non-issue. Just be his friend and contain your curiosity until he approaches you.

Mercury Tilt your post made me laugh my ass off.

segadreamcast · 01-10-2002 8:54pm

Maybe unreggie is one of my friends if neuro-praxis' assumption is correct

...

Anyway, speaking from a gay perspective - the best reaction I could expect from a friend would be a simple sentence or two... something along the lines of:

"Well, if you need anyone to talk to, I'm always here for ya." Corny, eh? Or there's just the easier "Cool!" approach.

A few tips on what not to do as such:

Don't act patronising towards him.
Don't avoid eye contact or make him feel isolated in any way

Hope that helps unregistered!

- Noel

spooky donkey · 01-10-2002 10:13pm

Well gay guys can be very cool about the whole thing and not even care about it.

I know this gay guy in work, he knows i know he is gay but he has never told me so as a result its a little taboo.

But i still make gay jibes and take the piss out of him every time he peals the skin back of his sausages at breakfeast and he laughs along with the rest. And this guy is fairly oldish! well in his 40`s anyway!

ykt0di9url7bc3 · 01-10-2002 10:23pm

haha I pegged swiss for being camp after meeting him a few times...

does a friend being gay make any difference?....oh yeah....i gave swiss great stick about!

swiss · 01-10-2002 10:43pm

i gave swiss great stick about

Just to re-emphasise, there is no, repeat NO sexual innuendo in this post whatsoever. Shut up logic. Yes I know you haven't said anything about this yet, it doesn't matter

.

I know I can be mildy camp at times, varying commensurately with the amount of alcohol I've consumed. Camp is a stereotype, and an imperfect one at that, and as the orignal poster stated that his friend is anything but stereotypical, this highlights (in a way) this point.

Originally posted by goose:

If someone had confronted me about my sexuality before i had become comfortable with it, i would have run a million miles scared.

Blanket denial worked for me. Seriously, it's an emotive issue, and not one you want to force unless you put it very tactfully and you feel that the time is right.

Just be cool about it when he does decide to tell you. And maybe one or two very subtle hints that you would be cool about it if he did decide to tell you.

<scheming mode>
Hmm, that's an idea. Perhaps strike up a conversation involving a mutual friend who is gay and drop a few subtle hints as to your coolness with the whole gay thing (while making it clear you're straight - if indeed you are

)
</scheming mode>

logic1 · 02-10-2002 8:43am

Originally posted by swiss

Just to re-emphasise, there is no, repeat NO sexual innuendo in this post whatsoever. Shut up logic. Yes I know you haven't said anything about this yet, it doesn't matter .

Haha he said he gives you great... oh.. alright I see.. pre-emptive strike eh.. well fine by me.

.logic.

Mercury_Tilt · 02-10-2002 12:53pm

This post has been deleted.

Carbiens · 02-10-2002 2:45pm

Originally posted by logic1
Kill him.

.logic.

lmfao, hahahaha, fu<king classic.

ayatollah · 08-10-2002 12:20pm

Originally posted by swiss
J
.........
I know I can be mildy camp at times
......

sorry mildly camp!?!??!?

Dr. Loon · 08-10-2002 12:33pm

Buy yourself a can of "Gay-be-gone" and spray him next time you see him, or as logic said, kill him. Either way, you're sorted.

Mercury_Tilt · 08-10-2002 12:38pm

This post has been deleted.

Dr. Loon · 08-10-2002 12:42pm

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
Did someone fart?

Eh.... yes!

STaN · 08-10-2002 2:20pm

he was referring to your bonefied brain fart :cool:

dysfunct · 08-10-2002 2:25pm

hello again,
i would have posted under the unregisted nick but i wouldnt work, i dont really care anyway.
my post seems to have gotten a lot of replies,
even though some are suprising,
tbh though if i was as homophobic as young logic1, i'd probably be queer bashing right now and probably wouldnt have posted in the first place.
i'm suprised that he/she is still allowed to post in this forum.

Originally posted by logic1
Kill him.

.logic.

Originally posted by logic1
Don't ever go for a piss in the pub at the same time. He's bound to try and **** you in the ass.

.logic.

Originally posted by logic1
Haha e.g. bend over.

.logic.

btw im not in my early teens, its just that if you lived where i live you would have zero interaction with people that arent straight.

imo there is a certain level of uneasiness, even disgust towards homosexuals in all of us and the reason i posted this was if my friend came out i didnt know what my "level" would be.
tbh, I dont know if i would treat him as one of the lads.
I couldnt even begin to think how the rest of my friends would react.
but the friend who im talking about is very popular so hopefully if something does happen he wont be alienated from the group.

thanks for yer input.
except logic1, you can **** off.

WhiteWashMan · 08-10-2002 4:55pm

Originally posted by dysfunct

btw im not in my early teens, its just that if you lived where i live you would have zero interaction with people that arent straight.
.

can you explain what this means?
im not sure what any interaction has to do with anything. if you met someone from say siberia would you feel the same?

Originally posted by dysfunct
imo there is a certain level of uneasiness, even disgust towards homosexuals in all of us

sorry?
i dont think i said that?
i am not disgusted by homosexuals.
why would i be?
perhaps youd better expand on this thrilling theory. i really feel the need to sit down and read your discourse onthis perticular one...

Originally posted by dysfunct

the reason i posted this was if my friend came out i didnt know what my "level" would be.
.

your level of disgust i assume?
so you have already made your mind up that you would be disgusted with your friend for being gay.
so hes not actually your friend and youve already put him into a catagory havent you. what is he turns out not to be gay?
will you accept him back into your loving (purely platonic and obviously not homosexual) arms?

Originally posted by dysfunct

tbh, I dont know if i would treat him as one of the lads.
I couldnt even begin to think how the rest of my friends would react.

are you worried about how your friends would react?
maybe they arent as blind to the 'ways of the world' as you.
maybe theyve seen a gay man on tele and dont find it as 'disgusting' as you do.

Originally posted by dysfunct
but the friend who im talking about is very popular so hopefully if something does happen he wont be alienated from the group.

arent you just all heart.
maybe you are jealous becuase he is popular.
maybe he has told some of his other friends and just wont tell you because you arent his friend. maybe he knows youre a homophobe and doesnt want anything to do with you. and what business of yours? none to be honest.

Originally posted by dysfunct

thanks for yer input.
except logic1, you can **** off.

no, thanks for renewing my faith in humanity.
i thik logic is just taking the píss by the way.
you obviously dont have any common sense. its easy to spot someone who is being silly, and its easy to spot someone who is homophobic. you fall into both catagories.

just an opinion, but worth its weight in gold...

Gordon · 08-10-2002 5:05pm

dysfunct: thanks for coming out of the closet (by not being unregistered

)

STaN · 08-10-2002 5:24pm

LOL!

swiss · 08-10-2002 5:55pm

Originally posted by ayatollah:

sorry mildly camp!?!??!?

Yes, that's what I meant. I dunno what you mean by this tbh

Anyway, I wouldn't be too hard on dysfunct WWM. It is true that gay culture has hardly permeated Irish society as a whole, and from this point of view one would not have had many encounters with gay individuals (socially or otherwise

). In this respect, it can come as a surprise to someone to learn that a friend of theirs is gay, and people think (falsely IMO) that they should react in some way or other.

In my experience, people can slag gays off, but this doesn't usually constitute homophobia.

<rant>
Why I was playing CS on Radox earlier today, when an admin message flashed up "Homophobic, racist and sexist comments are not allowed on this server". After this I said "I'm soo tempted to say that's ghey". Unsurprisingly, I got booted. It sometimes surprises me how much offence a person can take on behalf of other people (and I wonder if it's a permanent ban

)
</rant>

STaN · 08-10-2002 11:24pm

LOL, ah you gotta love the old, im never gonna change, im right and you do it my way because ive the p0wer types

dysfunct · 09-10-2002 9:54am

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
i am not disgusted by homosexuals.
why would i be?

in fairness WhiteWashMan if you say that you've never had anything other than apathy towards this then good for you.

but how would you expect someone with zero interaction with gays react?
imo interaction is everything, how is someone supposed to learn effictively without interaction?

Dr. Loon · 09-10-2002 10:11am

Originally posted by dysfunct
in fairness WhiteWashMan if you say that you've never had anything other than apathy towards this then good for you.

but how would you expect someone with zero interaction with gays react?
imo interaction is everything, how is someone supposed to learn effictively without interaction?

It appears to me that your attitude already leans toward the homophobic stance.
You've interacted with Gay people I'm sure, you just didn't know. Not everyone you meet is going to let you know their sexuality.

It seems to me, that you're extremely naive in your view, but all the answers here (the serious ones anyway) were good answers. There's not a slight uneasiness or level of disgust in all of us - that's rediculous.

What's the big deal if he is gay, so what. Get on with life, continue to be his friend, and grow the fúck up!!!

dysfunct · 09-10-2002 11:13am

Originally posted by Dr. Loon
It appears to me that your attitude already leans toward the homophobic stance.

i agree, unfortunatly

Originally posted by Dr. Loon
What's the big deal if he is gay, so what. Get on with life, continue to be his friend, and grow the fúck up!!!

point taken.

Dr. Loon · 09-10-2002 11:16am

Originally posted by dysfunct
i agree, unfortunatly

point taken.

Damn!! I was hoping for a rumble!

smiles · 09-10-2002 12:39pm

There is no set way to react if someone tells you that they're gay, generally my reaction is: "Ok."

It doesnt make any difference to me whatsoever, if the people confided in me before then they'll continue to do that, if they didnt then they know that they can, whether or not they are gay makes absoluetly no different.

Why treat someone differently based on their sexuality? Be a friend regardless.

<< Fio >>

Mercury_Tilt · 09-10-2002 12:58pm

This post has been deleted.

WhiteWashMan · 09-10-2002 3:09pm

Originally posted by dysfunct

but how would you expect someone with zero interaction with gays react?
imo interaction is everything, how is someone supposed to learn effictively without interaction?

do you treat every interaction with someone you meet as some sort of battle, or does everyone disgust you?
what their rexuality is, i have no idea, and its no business of yours to be honest...

I think that a friend of mine is gay

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