The Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work

My name is Mud

The Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the dump hits the water and the dump is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the dump has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk-up the ****ter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER:
A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER striding proudly across the office towards the toilet with a newspaper or magazine tucked under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER before entering the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flush you receive when passing an unseen police car whilst speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it didn't happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It's uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE):
When forcing a dump, several farts may slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN):
This is a group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPERS.

TURD BURGLAR:
A dumper who does not realise that you're in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, Remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been known to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

WATERMELON:
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion (See CAMO-COUGH).

ASTAIRE:
This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD
BURGLARS that you occupy a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phoney cough, which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

HAVANA OMELETTE:
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED:
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the crapper. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY:
The act of scouting out a bathroom before dumping. Walk in and check for other dumpers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER as people may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

pyure

invaluable words of advice to live by