A few funnies

netwhizkid · 15-09-2002 10:29am #1

A few more jokes,

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting around a table discussing who the best person in the world is. Sleeping Beauty claims that she is the best because she is the most beautiful person in the world.
Hercules claims that he is the best because he is the strongest person in the world.

Don Juan claims that he is the best because he has loved the most women in the world.

So they decide to go speak to the wise man and see who is the best. They agree to go in alone so as not to be embarassed in front of the others.

Sleepy Beauty goes in first and came out smiling. She says that she truly is the most beautiful person in the world.

Hercules goes in next and also came out smiling. He says that he truly is the strongest person in all the world.

Don Juan goes in last but when he comes out he is very angry and confused. He exclaims,''Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?''

Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

All's Fair in Love and War
This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession.
The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?''
The old guy says, ''During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors.''
The priest replies, ''Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure.''
The old guy says, ''Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?'''

A Ministers Hypnosis

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."

They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."

They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.

His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."

He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."

He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:

"****!"

It took him two weeks to air out the church.

Beverly Hills

One day there were four people absent from class. The next day one of the boys came back to school, and the teacher asked where were you. And then he replied on top of Beverly Hills. The teacher said okay. Then the next day, another boy came in and the teacher asked where were you? He replied on top of Beverly Hills. The teacher said okay. The next day the third boy came in and said where were you and he replied on top of Beverly Hills. And next the third person which was a girl came in and the teacher asked where were you. And before the girl could say anything the teacher said let me guess on top of Beverly Hills. And the girl said no I am Beverly Hills.

Biting the Bullet

One day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down a road when a bank robbery was happening. Just as she was passing the bank, she was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to hospital and they managed to save the lives of her children (two girls and a boy) and hers.
Fourteen years later, one of her daughters came running out of the bathroom and screamed to her mother, she said, "Mom, I just got my period and a bullet came out."

So her mother sat her down and explained what happened.

A couple of days later her second daughter came running out the bathroom again screaming that she too got her period and a bullet came out. So again, she explained the story.

Finally, a few days later, her only son comes running out of the bathroom.

The mother says, "Let me guess. You've took a **** and found a bullet in the toilet."

"No," shouts the boy, "I just beat off and shot the dog."

Blonde Welfare

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls...

You must be a lawyer."

Regards netwhizkid

P.S Let me know what you think of them