Dumped - heartbroken - all my fault

LegacyUser

Staying as a guest on this one to preserve my privacy.

Met a great girl about 10 months ago. Fell in love with her, pursued her and she fell in love with me too.

A month or two ago I cheated on her. Nothing major, no sex or anything.

When she found out naturally she was very upset. For a while she considered continuing our relationship but now has told me that she would never trust me again and that we will never be together again.

I can completely understand her point of view but I am really really angry with myself. I've broken her heart and my own too because I really do love her.

I'm just wondering what people think in situations like this. Would I have been better off not telling her about the incident at all?

The guilt was getting to me. I would honestly never do it again to her and it meant nothing to me. Somebody told me that I should have kept it to myself and stayed with her instead of risking our relationship and losing her (which is what has happened).

And if it makes any difference I'm in my mid-twenties so this is not a case of puppy-love.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Unregistered

A month or two ago I cheated on her. Nothing major, no sex or anything.

so you think the total betrayel of confidence and trust is not important.

shes better of without you.

if you loved her, you wouldnt have done the dirt.

Samson

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
so you think the total betrayel of confidence and trust is not important.
shes better of without you.
if you loved her, you wouldnt have done the dirt.

Do you not think you are being a tad harsh?
Of course, he should not have done whatever it is he did do, but we all make mistakes.

My advice would be to make strident efforts to win back her trust and show her how truely repentant you are.
Grovel.
Do whatever you have to, if you truely love her.

She will never forget, but she may forgive (if she loves you).

bugler

Ignoring the fact that you shouldn't really have went with the other bird if you loved you girlf, as wwman said, you shouldn't have told her. Well, not if a) You do love her b) The other girl incident was really a mistake and 'didn't mean anything'(hoho). c) There was never a real risk of her finding out from anyone else.

If you were man enough to score another girl then you should have been man enough to handle the guilt that entailed.

I'm all for honesty, but sometimes it won't do anyone any good to come clean, except to somewhat relieve you of your well earned guilty conscience.

Jak

People get far too hung up on this.

Personally I think that if someone ends a relationship over the other party kissing someone else - then they are probably looking for a way out.

If you are just seeing each other for a few months as you say --- where is the bloody perspective gone? You are not property, you didn't sign a 'body lease' and neither did she.

If she really loved you, I reckon she would try work it out with you. What you did was wrong etc etc. but in my opinion at least you did the decent thing and told her. I have cheated on plenty of girlfriends as a couple have done to me - generally innocent stuff with people neither of us knew - and we always managed to just clear it up as I would always come clean at some point.

That isn't to say one to should go out of their way to cheat on someone - but it happens and frankly it is not the end of the bloody world.

All I would say is hold a couple of rules sacred ...

If you are married and cheating, regularly cheating with the same person, having sex cheating, or cheating on a partner with someone you both know --> Stop.

Qualm

If you are just seeing each other for a few months as you say --- where is the bloody perspective gone? You are not property, you didn't sign a 'body lease' and neither did she.

10 months may not be a huge length of time, but if the relationship was still going strong and u both loved each other, then 10 months is nothing to be sneezed at and I dont think Jak quite sees the point.

I'll give you the female perspective. If it really did mean nothing to you (why'd you do it in the first place?!) then it's a forgivable offence, but your gf will prolly need some time to let it sink in and adjust etc, (lord knows i'd be fuming!) You need to show her that you still love only her and prove to her what you have said in your thread, ive it time though.

If there had been no risk of anybody finding out and if you could have bore the guilt, maybe you shouldnt have told her, it causes only pain. Then again, if she really loves you the way you love her, she should understand and want you back as much as you want her.

Its a dilly of a pickle, good luck with it all, I hope you get back with her.

LegacyUser

Solution:
Beat the crap out of her!

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Thanx 4 The Fish

Yes it is all your fault. If you were looking for sympathy, I think you may have come to the wrong place. You betrayed the trust of somebody you purported to love (1st mistake) and then because you couldn't bear the guilt of cheating you told the one you love that you cheated on them (second mistake) and that it meant nothing to you (way overused).

I have been on the receiving end of something like this, took her back too, but it's amazing what the human mind is like, once you think you have gotten away with something before, you will do it again. Which funny enough she did. I have had m8s tell me of a similar phenomenon, whereby someone who thinks that they can get away with cheating once will still do it again, knowing full well what they could lose.

I reckon your girlfriend, sorry ex-girlfriend was right, what happens next time that she's not about and someone comes onto you ?

Venom

Serve's you right.

If the lady in question has any sense she will have nothing to do with you ever again as once a cheat always a cheat. If she let you off the hook once and took you back,Id bet you would cheat on her again at some point in the future.

darthmise

Why did you do it?

Don't ask her to forgive you. She shouldn't. Its yours to deal with.
And tell her you don't expect forgiveness. But that you will prove to her she can trust you again in time.

Whatever you do, don't do it again. She has precious little reason left to trust you as it is.

As for talking her into taking you back, well, if i knew the answer to that one i'd be a happy man.

And for anyone who says its just a kiss, no big deal, thats not the point, the point is trust.

Though if it was done to me, i'd try and work through it.

Personally i can't believe the amount of advice here saying you shouldn't have told her. What if she found out on her own?

Beruthiel

can't say I feel sorry for you, I never understood why anyone would fu*k up what they have for a few minutes rush!
I hope you at least learned something for next time, if you're lucky enough to have a next time...
and what is all this, you shouldn't have told her?? has honesty totally lost it's meaning in a relationship??

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

FreaK_BrutheR

come on lads ffs.... its not the worst thing in the world to have done. jebus.

if i was a tad drunk (wait to see how many people say "Being drunk is no excuse...whine") and someone came up to me and started snoggin the face off me I'd snog her back alot if she was good lookin.

Ive often snogged girlies while goin out with other girlies and they have me.

I'm not sayin its right but thats the nature of young people searching for the right partner etc...

Get down of your little moral podiums.

SHE obviously didnt think the relationship was worth working out like.

You're a very naughty boy anyway.... shoulda got her to spank you see if that helped her.

darthmise

Originally posted by FreaK_BrutheR


Get down of your little moral podiums.

Its not about any moral-high-horse.
I've been in a happy relationship (and thats understating it by along way) and had oportunities to be with other people, and didn't.
But if your happy in what you have, then it isn't even an issue.

When i was 17 i did the dirt, once, and the guilt, it nearly killed me. I'm 24 now and i've never done it since. (Now, thats a moral high horse.;))

I have no time for the" Take what you can get, while you can get it." attitude.

Though it is one of lifes cruel jokes that you get so many more opportunities to be with people if you with someone already. But when you're single, nada, not a thing.

darthmise

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt

The phrase cross that bridge when you come to it springs to mind.

There wouldn't be a bridge left to cross.

Jak

Originally posted by FreaK_BrutheR
I'm not sayin its right but thats the nature of young people searching for the right partner etc...

Get down of your little moral podiums.

SHE obviously didnt think the relationship was worth working out like.

At least one person agrees.

All this trust and betrayal nonsense is a bit much. I stated earlier cases where I would agree that 'cheating' is a more serious issue, but for the love of god if you are young try to live a little bit.
People make mistakes and yes .. a kiss is just a kiss.

The general health of long term relationships in this world would look considerably better if people played the field a little more when they were young and found out exactly what they wanted - instead of accepting the first girl that comes along and trying their level best to keep her locked up and theirs - just in case they should never be able to find another one.

The mentality in young relationships of trust and betrayal - which in my mind boils down to 'ownership' of the other person and a degree of insecurity is a very dangerous thing - and people are adopting a pseudo married stance far too early. This high drama people like to associate with their relationships is all very offputting.

Just live your life - and if you cheat, you cheat and if she cheats, she cheats. Be honest - see what you can work out - if one of you finds it all a bit too much though and would like more commitment ('ownership') and if it should all fall apart .. don't worry, there's enough people in the world for you to find someone else who fits the bill.

Again .. be honest - keep perspective - and remember things could be considerably worse than your girlfriend kissing some random punter while on holiday.

Thanx 4 The Fish

Let me guess, bitter old guy who never kept a gf for more than a couple of weeks after suggesting the be with other people thing...

leeroybrown

Maybe you should lock yourself in a dark room with a big loaded g ....

Actually I'm in far too evil a mood today to give advice.

TBQH, you dug your own grave for this one.

You could try talking to her but if she's dumped you ... she's dumped you! It may not have been serious but ... well put it this way, Women take these little things far, far, far more seriously than men!

<EDIT>My typing is shít too today.</EDIT>

strawberry

You shouldn't have done it and now frankly, its too late to regret it.

Even if you do ever convince her to forgive you, she'll always have that nagging doubt in her mind every time you're out with your mates or whatever.
It'd never be the same.

And its even worse if you're in your twenties, you're supposed to have more sense!

The Corinthian

As has been pointed out by Merc, you shouldn't have told her. It's like when a woman asks "does my bum look big in this?" - the answer is always NO.

This is not an admonishment of your infidelity, after all no one appreciates a pair of horns planted in their forehead, but that if you are going to be unfaithful you’re going to have to be more pragmatic about these things.

You’re probably better off without her, to be honest if that was her reaction to a fairly harmless incident (admitted by you penitent self), I’d consider her too much trouble.

Of course, I’m the last person to take advice from on the subject of successful relationships

Anyhow, unregi, you’ll get over it.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by The Corinthian
You’re probably better off without her, to be honest if that was her reaction to a fairly harmless incident (admitted by you penitent self),

and who are you to say that she thought it was harmless.

the unreg person is the transgressor here.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
and who are you to say that she thought it was harmless.

She didn't. But from Unreggi's description, I did - not faultless, but not something to go to war over, either.

the unreg person is the transgressor here.

Never said he wasn't.

Jak

Originally posted by Thanx 4 The Fish
Let me guess, bitter old guy who never kept a gf for more than a couple of weeks after suggesting the be with other people thing...

Wrong, just 25 and current relationship is at about 9 months and is going well. And genuinely I am very far from bitter - I'm very very happy with life.

And yes, I have had a few other relationships which all touched around a year and frankly I have no regrets of ending them when I did. Other than that life was just the usual encounters and flings. My whole point is that people get far too bloody worked up about all this at a young age when they should have a more open attitude to life.

But if you want to beat yourself with a thorny branch and gouge out your eyes for your ultimate betrayal of the one true and pure love of your mortal life .. be my guest.

Keep in mind tho .. she may have a sister

Dr. Loon

Tough shít. You're a fool, and now you know not to do it again.
Or you can do it in the next relationship you have... fúck that one up, then do it again, and so on and so forth. Nice life.

LegacyUser

Well holy mackeral I've stirred up a little storm with this one. Strange really - I thought nobody would be bothered answering.

I suppose I've learned my lesson. It's amazing how people took sides and started discussing the matter, coming up with stuff from the little I had said.

No more on the subject from me shall ye hear lest I give away my identity and get in more ****.

sceptre

Originally posted by Unregistered
Would I have been better off not telling her about the incident at all?

Frankly, yes. If it really didn't mean anything there is nothing to be gained from telling someone about it.

I realise many people won't have the same view.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Unregistered
It's amazing how people took sides and started discussing the matter, coming up with stuff from the little I had said.

Yeah amazing...imagine that, people discussing matters on an on-line message board......

Thanx 4 The Fish

Originally posted by Unregistered


Yeah amazing...imagine that, people discussing matters on an on-line message board......

Bill Hicks
Who'd have thunk it ...:D

The Sweeper

Unregi, I gotta say, I think you don't really love your missus.

Because whatever about cheating on her, what has she ever done to you that you decided to hurt her like that by telling her?

You did something very very stupid. It's up to you to decide how meaningless it was. She's better off without you if you're the sort of person who wants to have regular 'meaningless' snogs with other people.

Ask yourself. Were you:

hopelessly lonely?
upset over something?
angry at your girlfriend?
certain your relationship was doomed?

or just drunk and horny?

If you're going to have some cheap fumble in a greasy corner of some pub one night when you're out on your own and your missus is at home, there's more wrong in your life than 'it was just a meaningless grope'.

irishguy

i am probely going 2 get flamed 4 dis but in my experience [all ppl who work in a bar or a club] will agree with me.while ur young enjoy yourself do as much as u can with as many ppl as possible.I might have this frame of mind because i never realy got attached to any girl i when out with and i feal after you cheat on them [even when they dont find out] the relationship is never the same.thats just my €0.02

McGinty

As someone who was married to a serial philanderer, I wish to add another perspective. I would have saved myself a lot of uncessary pain if I had of dumped my ex-boyfriend (who then went onto to become husband) when he was first unfaithful. I forgave him, he promised it wouldn't happen again.

Sadly he did, several times and each time a piece of my confidence was shattered even more, until oneday I had enough and walked away. He begged me for two years after to try again, in between a very bitchy and nasty divorce but it was too late. The problem with being unfaithful is that once the trust is broken, you can't get it back. Your ex-girlfriend would always be tormented with the thought of 'what's he doing, who is he snogging/shagging/etc' 'why did he do it' 'was I not good enough'. Thankfully your ex-girlfriend rather than torment herself with these thoughts, did the right thing and dumped you. I'm not saying this to have a go at you but to let you know what is most likely going through her mind and I suspect she went through all those thoughts before actually ending it. I think it would be more important to ask yourself 'why did I ruin a good relationship for 'nothing'? And apart from feeling guilty, why tell her?

My ex-husband is truly sorry for screwing around behing my back, in more ways than one, but not because he loved me, he is incapable of 'real love' but because he lost a good wife, friend, his son, etc. He still continues to mess around though, and I think good riddance. I hope that you can learn from this and maybe when you meet a good woman again then you won't be tempted.

VinceBlack

Originally posted by Thanx 4 The Fish
Let me guess, bitter old guy who never kept a gf for more than a couple of weeks after suggesting the be with other people thing...

Got it one and he's a little girly man as well. Looks like a 5 iron, well he would if he bulked up a bit.:D

Jak

Originally posted by VinceBlack


Got it one and he's a little girly man as well. Looks like a 5 iron, well he would if he bulked up a bit.:D

Clearly someone who knows me well. Do come along to the boards night and introduce yourself.

JAK.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by Unregistered
Somebody told me that I should have kept it to myself and stayed with her instead of risking our relationship and losing her (which is what has happened).

And if it makes any difference I'm in my mid-twenties so this is not a case of puppy-love.

Never tell the truth, when a lie will do.

Oh and don't bother chasing women you actually do fancy, they can smell your weakness and exploit it. Better to take the ones you don't have to chase that hard, because at the end of the day when it all goes pear shaped, you can walk away from it none the worse.

</synicism to rant>

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Unregistered
Oh and don't bother chasing women you actually do fancy, they can smell your weakness and exploit it.

ROFL

Poveri irlandesi...

LegacyUser

I'd say just learn from this mistake... there will be other chances... i've gotten over what have seemed like the greatest loves of my life... several times.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Jak


Clearly someone who knows me well. Do come along to the boards night and introduce yourself.

JAK.

thats a big 5 iron, when are you doing your next triathlon????

we have to meet up for pints soon myman.
been a while!
youre house actually. ahh the memories of bbq's

Jak

That was just the brother messing about WWM

As for beers aren't you coming home for Saturday? If not I'll catch you on IRC - Jak = JayK there.