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new rules for employees

  • 18-07-2002 11:47am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,258 ✭✭✭✭


    OFFICE RULES

    SICKDAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
    you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
    all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
    intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    PERSONAL DAYS:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
    Saturday & Sunday.

    VACATION DAYS:
    All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
    vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
    friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
    non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
    involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
    afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
    and
    subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done

    enough.

    OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
    weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
    will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
    instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
    8:20,
    employees
    whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If
    you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
    until the
    next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
    swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in
    writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict
    3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
    will
    sound,

    the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    LUNCH BREAK:
    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
    can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
    balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
    minutes
    for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast &
    take a
    diet pill.

    DRESS CODE:
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if
    we
    see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you

    are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you
    for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
    employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
    complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
    insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's,
    or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Management


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,399 ✭✭✭✭Thanx 4 The Fish


    It seems somebody has leaked our employee handbook.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,081 ✭✭✭BKtje


    rofl@ restroom bit :D


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