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System Manager

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  • 21-03-2000 11:20am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 16,413 ✭✭✭✭



    Computer
    The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to
    know.

    Response Time
    Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar
    months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response
    time.

    Hardware
    See "Computer." Again, not your concern.

    Software
    If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us
    alone.

    Network
    Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail
    among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all.
    What do you think we do all day? By the way , Russell... shame
    about your mother's Pancreas.

    Data
    The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any,
    delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the
    computer. (See "Response Time")

    System Crash
    Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer
    is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The
    more you bother him, the longer it takes.

    Downtime
    Like I said, don't ask

    Uptime
    Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face

    Overtime
    Don't be ridiculous.

    Vacation
    A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't
    try calling. There's no point.

    Computer Room
    Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door--don't even
    think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called
    me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off
    the windows.

    My Office
    The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.

    Your Problems
    The name says it all...

    Deadlines
    The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're
    not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares.

    Maintenance
    a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
    b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
    c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance.

    Software Upgrades
    Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading
    the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if
    it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.

    Electronic Mail
    I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me.

    Defaults
    We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't
    mess with them; consider them mandatory.

    Error Messages
    I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep
    them to yourself.

    Killing your Process
    a) Don't ever ask why
    b) Beyond your control
    c) No warnings are given
    d) The highlight of my day
    e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.

    Passwords
    I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose
    them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be.


    Users
    a) They slow down the computer
    b) They waste my time
    c) A general nuisance
    d) Worse than that, actually

    Software Modifications
    You don't know what you want--we'll tell you what you want. It stays
    like it is. Period.

    Privileges
    I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said.

    Priority
    Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run
    faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")

    Terminals
    Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
    a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
    b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
    c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
    d) Of course you did.

    Disk Space
    I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check
    "Data Files."

    Operator
    I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually
    armed; always dangerous.

    Backups
    A good idea if I gave a ****, which of course I don't.

    Lunch
    The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of
    your process.

    Data Security
    That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over
    it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.

    Jiffy
    Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your
    process.

    Eternity
    Length of time it takes me to give a **** about any problem that can't
    be resolved by killing your process.

    Impossible
    a) It can't be done (as far as you know)
    b) I can't be bothered
    c) You're starting to annoy me

    Inevitable
    a) Couldn't have been avoided
    b) Not my fault (as far as you know)
    c) The result of annoying me

    Menus
    If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is
    on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working
    on it (See "Eternity").

    Utilities
    I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides,
    they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?

    Nuisance
    You.

    Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm telling you.
    Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask someone else

    Sincerely, The System Manager


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