Self confidence problems

irishgeo

<Deleted>

LegacyUser

No where you are coming from, been through that now I am at the otherside in a long term relationship.

If your hung up on looking a girlfriend and not going out to score on saturday night, then become friend(ish) get to know the girl, if you want to make a move at least you'll have some idea as how she will react.

Cake Fiend

Your first step is not to talk to a woman as a woman. Talk to her as a person who just happens to be female. There's no 'special way' to talk to a woman if you want to go about it in an honest fashion - I hate to use a cliché, but just be yourself.
One way to get your general chat-technique going a bit more is to pretty much force yourself to talk in those kinds of situations. Say anything, just to get (and keep) yourself talking. You'll probably start off saying some really stupid things and possibly embarrass yourself even more, but after a while you'll get the hang of things and be able to control your conversational skills better. I don't know if I've explained that very well, but give it a go.

WhiteWashMan

how would you talk to some bloke who is a mate of your mates?
treat her the same.
talk shíte to her.
just talk.
thats it really
talk about what youre interested in. tell her about on line gaming. make a joke out of how geeky it is
ask her about herself, and follow up her answers with more questions.

as for not being able to dance, join the rest of the world mate. no one cares if you can dance or not. its not a spectator sport. its for enjoyment.

and wanting the right one??????
youll find theres a queue, i suggest you join the back

and most people will not realise wen someone likes them, becuase the other person is just as nervous, so dont worry about it. i have never been able to tell if someone likes me or not, just treat everyone the same. have a laugh and remember, shes only a human, not god almighty. she wont strike you down on the spot.

however.....
why are you going after this girl from england?
whats wrong with th woman in dublin?
haveyou zoned in on this girl?
is it becuase shes from another country and your afraidto go out and make a move on someone this week, giving yourself time to prepare for when shes over?
im just curious, as you havent actually said you fancy her, only that she intimated an interest in you.
she may have a boyfriend when she returns.......

Beruthiel

speaking from a womans point of view...

first of all WWM and Sico are correct, talk to a woman like you would talk to your mates. Once, back in the day I used to be very shy also, until I realised that everyone else is the same to one degree or another - once you look at another person and know that they are probably a bit shy also - it helps. Talk away, if she hasn't walked off and is smiling at you - giving eye contact, then you know that she is not bored. If you ask her lots of questions about herself, it shows you find her interesting.
If you feel you get embarrassed easily, I find humour works every time, say you are, you can't be ridiculed by others if you are already doing it to yourself!
You say that you can't tell if a woman likes you or is flirting with you, well take your time, and at the end of the night ask to see her again, if the answer is yes, you're in - if it's no, well you tried, no biggie.
As for the fact you can't dance.. nobody cares, if I could dance I'd be on stage! The person who gets up and can't dance but is enjoying themselves anyway, will always be admired for not giving a toss (nobody ever lost a man/woman 'cos they couldn't dance!!!!)
As for people laughing at you, seriously, nobody is, they are far too busy worrying about their own lives.
You need to stop taking yourself too seriously and laughing more - I suggest doing the 'chicken dance' once a day' - if this doesn't work.. I give up best of luck with it!

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by Beruthiel
(nobody ever lost a man/woman 'cos they couldn't dance!!!!)

cue the 'she left for me a flamenco dancer' post.....

Beruthiel

'she left for me a flamenco dancer'

ok - Juquin Cortes is the exception!!

Saruman

You sound a little like myself irishgeo.... you know dont drink, cant dance and so on... etc etc.. Im not all that shy but i dont seem to get the chance to meet too many new people. Oh well thats life i suppose. Ill keep my eye out on this thread for tips too if you dont mind. Im not actually looking right now though so that could be it. Nice one for getting it out in the open there though.

irishgeo

Thanks for all the support guys. It really helps to know that there are people in the same boat as me. I find talking to women i know from friends easy to talk to. But its getting the conversation going thats the hard part and keeping it going with new people i should say not women.

I have started to come out of my shell lately and have mananged a few hours on the dance floor over the last few months.

The person from england i want to get to know would be a friend but no more. Maybe a kiss and a cuddle would be no harm.

As for the right person i have joined the Q and am hoping there is one for me.

Finally on flirting i am going to take the additude that if a women wants me she will just have to make it more obvivous than a few signs i wont be able to pick up.

LegacyUser

irishgeo, there are always people more pathetic than you and at least you are making an effort to change. Me for example, I am shy around strangers and find it particularly hard talking to women I don't know well. To top it off I am my biggest critic and know for a fact that I am ugly and overweight and generally suffer from low self esteem issues. In fact, women tend to avoid me and I have too little self confidence to chat them up. At least you can actually meet women without them running away screaming. You will eventually find someone, me, I gotta gain some confidence to intereact with people in the real world first...

Defenistrator

the only way to know if a girl/woman likes you is to......ASK!!!!!

I have done it often enough, and I am quite shy (I AM!!!) true...alkyhool makes it easier (well that's my excuse). but I have been known to go up to girl I liked, if they considered me attractive. Sure the next morning you want to die.... but what the hell! at least you know! I have been with my current GF for 8 years now, and my chatup line was "....zooooo zweeetie.....waze colour of yer bra?, me pal zayz brown, me, i zink iz inzigo"

no, no shag for me that evening, but we got talking *sigh* (I had such a floppy-on!)

now she's playing the tapes from her sessions with mystic meg, and meg claims that wedding bells are a ringing!

the moral of this story is to throw caution to the wind, DON'T be yourself...it has got you nowhere sofar! Try a different approach, but one that you are comfortable with!

D.

p.s.
As I enjoyed my new found alter ego, I tried it in the same nightclub the following weekend, went up to a missus I liked, and asked her for a snog, IT WORKED!!!!! (everyone ratted on me though, and my current GF found out, but she didn't care as we weren't "going out".

p.p.s
don't be a pratt and go out goosing the fairer sex....noone likes that, least of all women (well exept for that one I know...........

SYL

I used to have this problem all through school too, I only really came out of myself when I started college. I realised part of the problem though lay in the fact that I was trying to compete with other guys who had the so-called 'gift of the gab'. After a while though, I simply realised that there are guys out there who are just plain geared towards being able to talk easily to girls, and some who aren't (including me). So I had to find my own niche or angle for talking to women. I'm not one of these blabbermouths who you can always hear bullsh1tting on to girls in the pub, so I went for a more personal angle. Its very hard to describe really, tough to put into words...

Firstly, I had to get over the nervousness thing. I used to really quake when I started talking to girls, but got around it a few ways. Firstly, if you have a sister or brother, chat to some of their girlfriends when they're around. Takes the pressure off you, and if you begin to run out of things to say, you can just pull the plug on the conversation, tell them you have to head off and get out of there, easy peasy. You will always treat yer sisters or brothers friends differently because there is a common link there, your sibbling.

Next, I always found that when I chatted to girls, I had a bad habit of talking quite fast, sort of treating a conversation like a trip to the dentist & trying to get out of there asap. So, I had to consciously make myself slow down a lot. That makes it easier too, because you can pace what you're saying. Not too slow now, or you'll end up talking like some sort of slow-motion movie. Gives you time to think of **** to say too.

Thirdly, and this one was quite an achievement to discover - ask the other person what they think of certain things. Not saying that you start a conversation with a Mr. Bean type speil like "So, do you like Bicycles?", more like if yer chatting about a world cup game, just say something like "so who do you reckon will win?". Thats a decent enough example because I said it to a total fox yesterday and she yattered on for about 10 minutes after that. Part of this is because I realised a conversation is NOT you telling the other person stuff, its a discussion, plain and simple.

Next point, and one of the most important, is Listen. Listen to what the other person says and talk about what they're saying. This can't be emphasised enough when talking to girlies; if they think you're not listening, its over before its begun.

Also, what sort of places do you go out to? If you're going to crappy snobby bars Irishgeo, then the girls there are generally not the most approachable type anyway and may either blank you or just look at you with their arms crossed when you're trying to talk to them. My opinion, in places like this, stick to yer mates and don't even bother.

Another thing worth thinking about, and this was mentioned earlier too, is to treat girls like human beings, even like boys sometimes. They can be equally as seedy and pervy as lads and do enjoy a good dirty joke too. They make good friends, because I've got a lot of girlfriends and they are all great to go out with. They're good craic and you can tell them stuff that you can't tell your lad friends too, and they'll listen and not take the p1ss out of you because of it!!!! Another thing too, girls know girls. If you become friendly with one, ask her if any of her friends are single or if she would set you up with one. Never done this myself, but a friend of mine told me this works rather well (cheers Kev!!) But if you REALLY want to dive in at the deep end, try to get yourself in the company of a lot of girls somewhere - this is the 'school of hard knocks' treatment...sink or swim. Not for the fainthearted though because girls in groups can strip the layers off an unprepared guy quicker than a shoal of piranha's if they set their mind to it, so you have to be prepared with some hard talking, my friend. Don't be frightened to rip the p1ss out of them back though, just try to avoid the C-word because a lot of girls really don't like it.

And finally, if you find yourself stuck for things to say, then do things that you can talk about!!!! Paintball ("check out these scars, baby"), Football ("40 yard thumper in the top corner, honey, I swear!"), College ("Fukkin' exams, I hate them"), Drinking ("was ratar$ed on saturday night, how about you?"), Smoking gange ("got a dose of the whities, do you get that?"), Music ("Was at the ozzfest, great day out, were you there?"), etc etc etc etc. Improvise, remember Billy Connolly improvised for most of his shows, 90 minutes of pure humour. If he can do that, you can manage at least 10 minutes of quality stuff. As for the drink thing.....not wanting to promote it or anything, but in my experience, people are always very wary of non-drinkers in a pub unless they have a good reason for it. So don't be frightened to have a scoop or two, it'll give you a chance to offer to get a girl a drink if you're getting on well. And the bar is one of mans best friends for these things, its like a half-time locker room, gives you a chance to assess the situation and think of more stuff to talk about. Jukeboxes are good for this too, so is the pool table etc.

I could say loads more, but I think that this is more than enough imparted knowledge for the meantime. One last thing, before you think a girl is relationship material or ya wanna snog her etc., get to know her first, be her friend. Makes it a lot easier, and if you do get it together, all the better for you, but if it breaks up, at least you can keep her as a friend.

When you begin to get lucky (and I know you will), make a new thread here so we can all share in your experience. Something like 'The lifes and loves of Irishgeo'.

Have fun though!!!!!!!!

eth0_

Personally Irishgeo, you sound like a nice guy, it's sweet that you want the right girl. I didn't know there was guys like you left, in my experience it's more like: score a girl, sweet talk her and lull her into a false sense of security whilst you scout around behind her back for your next 'victim'.

Sounds like you have a chance with your neighbour, maybe you won't have to make the first move?

Dr. Loon

Originally posted by SYL
Paintball ("check out these scars, baby"), Football ("40 yard thumper in the top corner, honey, I swear!"),

Are u takin the píss???

SYL

Yep, takin' the piss with that one. Sense of humour is essential too

Dr. Loon

Well, just that if you called any girl I know honey or baby, or even uttered a sentence like the two I quoted you'd be laughed out of the place. So I just hope you're takin the píss cos otherwise your technique may need a bit more work

elexes

ok try this works for me

go over and talk to someone as if there a friend . dont chat them up . dont fill them with lies and dont try that gift of the gab crap going over to a girl who you dont know and talking to her can be a nightmare . but its not that hard after you have said hi hows things this place is dead aint it

SYL

Dr. Loon, once again, taking the mickey with those one's. So, lighten up, babe

smiles

Talking to girls isn't really as scary as most people think, and it's a problem a lot of people have (when they're younger).

Personally i've never really had any problems talking to guys, come from hanging around with my brother 5 years older than me and his filthy crowd of mates over the years. I'm pretty much a natural flirt now, and it has just come from being relaxed around people.

Talk to a member of the opposite sex like there's a person (like Sico said i think), flirting is really only normal talking with a tiny bit of suggestiveness which could be a smile or a simple comment whatever.

Don't wait for her to give you signs to pick up, make a few discrete ones of your own and see how she reacts!

Good luck

<< Fio >>

azezil

Originally posted by smiles
Don't wait for her to give you signs to pick up, make a few discrete ones of your own and see how she reacts!

yeah pinch her ass, women love that!

seamus

Originally posted by azezil

yeah pinch her ass, women love that!

I am now heavily underlining that little mental note that says 'Never listen to azezil'.

Don't pinch her ass, unless the two of you are openly flirting, and she knows it's you. Women hate walking around nightclubs and having their asses grabbed by every second guy, and drunk guys tend to overestimate the pertness of the average bottom and leave a small bruise. She won't like you for that

I used to be king of the shy people. I don't know what it was, I was just scared to talk to other people or sumfink. That was in 1st year (of secondary school). Now it's not a bother, and it's all about self-confidence. I think the biggest barrier is 'what will they think of me?'. The key here is to not give a ****. Don't go out of your way to be the funniest, loudest, friendliest, most caring guy in the room. It's sounds cliché, but just be yourself. Everyone has at least 2 friends, so there must be something likeable about you if you have friends. On the flipside, somone is always gonna hate you, it's a fact of life, so don't try get everyone to like you. If you sense early on that they don't like you, for one reason or another, don't bother trying to change that, just leave them alone, especially if you are only after meeting them. It's very annoying when people write you off on first impressions alone, but just leave it. If you end up spending more time together (mutual friends, etc), chances are they'll get to like you when they get to know you.

IMHO, if someone doesn't like you, it isn't worth trying to make them like you - they either will or they won't. Don't force it.

In my experience, it's very rare for someone to walk up to a girl in a pub, and just score, with no conversation or anything. Most the time, the girl is either a friend of a friend, an old acquaintance (say from primary school), or a chance meeting (saying hi while queuing for a drink for example). Just let things be, one day you'll be sitting in a pub with your mates, and one their girlfriend's friends will sit beside you and introduce herself (or you could do the same), or you'll bump into someone you knew in school, or etc etc. As others said, talk to them as if you were talking to a mate (tone down the swearing and talk about women though ), and if they don't like you, fúck it, carry on, and enjoy yourself. Most scoring opportunities occured for me while I was just out for the laugh and not trying to score - ie when I was relaxed and myself.

irishgeo

firstly thanks for all the help and comments.
what i learned from this thread is
1. be myself
2. treat women like a mate and dont mention women to women
3. dont pinch women bottoms in niteclubs(well i sort of knew that from seeing women expression when other people do it.)
4. keep talking
5. Say hello when at the bar queneing for drinks
6. Dont try to be someone your not.
7. Dont give a crap what other people think.

If people wanna follow what is going in my life they can check out my weblog when i get it going.

My blog address is http://www.irishgeo.blogspot.com Please check it out.

ykt0di9url7bc3

ask questions and listen to what they have to say, and next thing ya know you are in a full blown conversation,

LegacyUser

also wooing the girls with a small dead hedgehog helps alot.