Unplanned pregnancy

LegacyUser

Ok I've just found out that I am pregnant. Haven't the slightest clue what I'm going to do. I know who the father is and we're still in touch. I still have a year to go in college so this really changes everything.
I don't want this baby now. I haven't told anyone yet, my parents will kill me. I've always been told that if this ever happened to me I'd have to look after it myself so that means the end of college.
Has anyone gone through this before or knows someone who as?
I'm at a total loss, I think I'm still in shock

seamus

What situation is the father in? Are you still going out? Will he accept his responsibilities, or would he deny the child?

I've always been told that if this ever happened to me I'd have to look after it myself so that means the end of college.

Obviously I don't know your parents, but I somehow doubt this is true. Parents use all sorts of things like this to try discourage their kids from doing/getting certain things. e.g. "If you want a car you'll have to pay for your petrol and insurance yourself, I won't get involved!". In reality, if they see you're determined enough, or you're really in a bind, they'll help you out and enjoy it too.

The fact that you've told no-one makes it impossible to tell you what you should do. There is no way you can know what to do, until you know where everyone around you stands on it. The fact that you only have one year left in college is a good thing. Maybe it will be possible to take next year out to ground yourself with the idea of having a dependent, and then you can go and finish college. Whatever you do, finish college at some point, for god's sake, it'd be a complete waste to throw it away with only one year to go.

azezil

As seamus said, your parents won't kill you, my sister felt the same way when she got pregnant but my mother was overjoyed, my father didn't talk of about 3 weeks but got over it and has had an active role in the kids up bringing ever since.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

daveg

Myself and my girlfriend found out she was pregnent 3 years ago. She was 22 and I was 25. She was also in her last year in collage. I remember the day she took a pregnancy test she fell to bits. I knew I had to hold things together so we went to see a counceller. My girlfriend was 50/50 whether she would keep the baby or go the UK for a termination. Thank god we decided to keep the baby. His name is Daragh and he is nearly 3. He is the most precious thing in my life and I can't imagine my life without him.

We told my parents first - who were fine and then we had to tell her's. I thought they would go mad but they were ok. She managed to finish collage (doing her final exams when she was 8 months pregnant.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that even in the worst situations things can work out ok. My advice to you would be to talk to your local GP if he/she is a good doctor. Go to as counceller who will discuss all your options. And make sure whatever your decision is that it is the right one for you. Also even though you think your parents will turn against you (and they will probably will go mental at the start) you should tell them.

PM me if you need to talk or need any advice.

Goodluck.

LegacyUser

The only advice that I can offer is to make sure you do what you want.Dont let anyone push you into something you dont want.If you want to have the baby do so,if you want a termination then do so.But dont ever let anyone push you into keeping the baby or having a termination.
Its your decision.

Jackoman

I'm in complete agreement with the unreggie there. You have to do what you think is best for you. Chances are you are not planning on keeping a relationship with the father by the way you say you know who he is and you still keep in touch.
Telling him comes down to how close you two have been or still are. People are always saying both parties have the right to the decision on whats to be done, but onlyt you can really decide that using your best judgement in the situation.

As all the other have said dont give up college. If its your last year things are gonna be pretty tough, but keeping the baby or having a termination wont stop you from doing what you wanna do

The first thing you need to do is really sit down with someone you can trust with your life and talk to them about it. Its too much of a heavy burden to carry around by yourself and you need to laugh and cry with someone who will be there to support you no matter which way you go. The advice you are asking for here is good, to hear what other people have gone through, but its not enough.

There are stacks of factors which will influence your decision of what you wanna do, and none of us will ever know them to give you the right answer, so you really have to start weighing up your options and as I said beofre make sure you have someone with you to help you out to point out things you may not even think about.

If you need any info on counsellors and the different organisations for which decision you want to make, pm me and I'll send them on to you.

Remember as tough as it may seem right now, it is possible to get through these things.

BuffyBot

Eeep

This is something that you need to sit back and take a long think about. I agree with pretty much whats been said above re: parents etc.

At the end of the day though, the desicion is yours. Take your time to make sure its the right one for you.

koneko

Absolutely, and Seamus is right when he says your parents will probably be more understanding than it seems. All parents say "don't do this, or.." it's just their way of deterring you from choices that possibly aren't the best ones.

Things do work out. I knew someone in the *exact* position you're in. Wasn't going out with the dad, was in college, parents didn't seem understanding. When it happened, it turned out otherwise. Her parents have been the most supportive people ever, and she's going back to college now, and has a beautiful little kid.

Think about what you really want and what you think is best. No one can decide this for you, it's your life.

LegacyUser

Okay I'm still in touch with the father. The only thing is I don't really know what the story is with us. We've only being seeing eachother a month, and I haven't seen him in a month cos he's doing his finals. So I haven't said anything to him at all. I've no idea if he'll take responsibility. He seems like a great bloke but I really don't know him that well. I don't want say anything to him until he's finished, which is next week some time.
I'm petrified of saying anything to my parents though.

Jackoman

You are in a very similar situation as my brother was. He only started seeing this girl for a month or two when she got pregnant. She was determined not to have an abortion, family came from a very religios background, so they stayed together. Things didnt work out for them even though they tried to work on the relatoinship. She got through her finals and gave birth 5 months after. Took a year out to raise him, and my brother was always around to support her, even though they fought like mad sometimes. Now she is off in England and my nephew is 3. My brother loves him to bits but only gets to see him now and again coz he lives here. But thats only one scenario. I know of others, were couples have worked out and where they have had abortions. In the end they have all gotten through it, allthough some might have been harder than others.

Gordon

Tell the father of the child!
OK, it's only a week away until he finishes exams but tell him as soon as you can. Its his child too.

The Corinthian

I don’t want to engender a debate on abortion, but the first thing you have to consider is whether you consider that a moral choice. Statements like “don’t let anyone push you into a decision” and “It’s your choice” are loaded when put side by side, as the latter is already pushing you in one direction.

I personally consider abortion wrong, but I do think it as if not more important, that you decide that, or otherwise, for yourself.

Another, related, consideration is whether you consider it right for the father to have a say (and associated responsibility) in and decision, or to even know in the first place.

If you can resolve these issues then you’ll be in a far more improved position to make a decision that you’ll consider right in the long run, regardless of whatever anyone here, including me, advises.

LegacyUser

I was 18 when I got my girlfriend pregnant first , I was still
doing my leaving cert , found out smack in the middle of my exams ( ok , know you have to study this aswell," parenting" she said laughing , I cryed )
needless to say , i ramed my leaving clean up my .......

6/7 months in , around the time everyone finds out , we lost
the baby.

Thinks just went bad for us then............Untill...........
1 year later (almost to the day, coincedance ?)when we were just messing about she got pregnant again
we kinda got back together again for the first year and a bit to
see if we could work at it. It didnt work .we both held to much resentment towards the other.

Is now 3/4 years on .I have a beautiful daughter named Erin
who i see as often as i can . I live in Galway shes in Dublin.

My point to all this rambling is that , children are a huge responsibility but they arent the end of your life. We both finished our courses and have good lives, you find friends where you
least expect it who help out , U study at home , study at night (nice and quiet)
My parents when balistik when they found out the first time, The second time exactly 1 year later was even worse ( ahh happy
memorys ) but they change , slowly at first but after a while , we
had to go hide from them cus they would be so over whelming.
You will find if you do decide to keep it and stay at college that it
will work out , im not saying it will be easy but you find babysitters
evrywhere , friends , family who would love to help out. The college probably has a creche if its a national college or a least
a group who meet and share problems and organise grp babysittings during the day . Go talk to them , they have all been
through it , their the best advisors youll find out and a lot will have faced the same dilemes u face now. It looks grim now I know but thats only the shock , the situation isnt as bad as it may seem try and take a breath and look more closely at your options.
I wish you all the best ,with whatever option you choose . If you
wish to talk more . just pm me.
Best of luck

Beruthiel

all of the advice above is good.

I would add, as you have just found out, you have a few weeks to take your breath, sit back and think... decide what's right for you - don't consider anyone else in this decision, just yourself.
if you get an abortion, fair enough, I believe that's every womans right - if I got pregnant now, I'd have one.
if you decide to keep it, tell your parents and the father (even if he doesn't want to know, he should still be told)

my mother said the same thing to her four daughters - 'don't think I'll be helping ye if ye get pregnant'
three out of the four of us had kids outside marriage.
the first time it happened, the parents thought about it, got over it, and are now the proud grandparents of 4 grand daughters.
Once they see the baby they are always won over - yours will be too.
My daughter is the light of my life, in fact, life has meaning because of her. I'm not saying it's easy to have a kid, it's not - think of tough and double it - your life changes completely, BUT the pro's so far outway the con's .
I wish you the best of luck, and also, if you wish to PM me, go ahead - I believe you can also contact 'CURE' which were very helpful to my sister when she needed it.
I also want to say, whatever you decide, it was right for you at the time and no regrets ever!

rymus

I'm not going to offer any views or solutions on the above advice - all of which seems very good so far. I am however going to wish you all the best in what you decide to do. Its not the nicest of situations to be in (from past experience) but I hope everything turns up rosy for you

BEAT

I hav'nt read all of the replies but I will say this...the decisoin should be made between you and the father, afterall he hand a hand in this and it is a part of him now...You can finish school, there are ways, I know many who have done it. Oh, and about your parents...all parents say this to prevent such things but when they are presented with the reality that it has happened they almost always accept it and make the situation better than you would have thought...parents can surprise you when you least expect it.
Life will be a bit harder than before but it is life and no one said it would be easy.
I believe all things happen for a reason myself, but whatever you decide I hope it turns out for the best.
Take care;)

LegacyUser

stupidiy as was stated...nothing is 100% proof....if you want your post reinstated post under your real nick.

LegacyUser

Im not the unreged above but my point is similar, i know theres nothing that can be sone about it now, but in all honesty, what where you doing sleeping with a bloke you've only know about 4 weeks? and not only that, with no contraception! its madness.
All i can say is bite the bullet and go to your folks, You made your bed now sleep in it.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Unregistered
I'm going to get slated for this, but :-

Why are people so careless in these situations, I mean, ever hear of CONTRACEPTION?

There are NO excuses for un-planned pregnancies.

Other than down right STUPIDITY

No form of contraception is not full proof, only abstinence (or jack/jilling off) is. Many (but admittedly not all) unplanned pregnancies are as a result of nothing more than bad luck, not due to stupidity, foolishness or laziness, but that’s the risk that one takes if one is going to engage in the act in the first place.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Unregistered
what where you doing sleeping with a bloke you've only know about 4 weeks?

And your point is?

and not only that, with no contraception! its madness.

Where does she say that?

LegacyUser

idiot talk removed.

seamus

Originally posted by Unregistered
I'm going to get slated for this, but :-

Why are people so careless in these situations, I mean, ever hear of CONTRACEPTION?

There are NO excuses for un-planned pregnancies.

Other than down right STUPIDITY

Well, the only 100% guaranteed form of contraception is abstinence, so there's always an excuse. If you intend to have sex, all you can do is be smart about contraception - i.e. know the risks, and know how to use the contraceptive - and never assume you're invunerable.

As for sleeping with someone after only 4 weeks? Well that was her choice. It's neither wrong nor inappropriate. Each to their own.

[EDIT:]

You know most of the time, some girls just want to get up the pole. Don't ask me why...

...and now both your posts will be removed. If you want to make statements like that, you'll get more respect if you post using your nick.

Lolo

Originally posted by The Corinthian

Many (but admittedly not all) unplanned pregnancies are as a result of nothing more than bad luck, not due to stupidity, foolishness or laziness, but that’s the risk that one takes if one is going to engage in the act in the first place.

We are going off topic a bit here, and there's no point in harrassing Unreggie Preggie (sorry!) after the fact, but.... I've had a awful lot of friends who've had "unplanned" pregnancies, since I was about 13 (I'm now 28), and all of them, without exception, resulted from contraception not being used properly, or not at all. More carelessness than stupidity, e.g. knowing they should go for the morning-after pill if a condom spilts, and not bothering. I've never known anyone using the belt and braces (condoms and pill) method to get pregnant. it may not be 100% but it's damn close.

Anyway, what's done is done, back to the topic - whichever decision you decide to make it's not going to be the end of your life. I know a few people who've gone back to colllege after having chisellers, and done really well to boot. As everyone else has said, your parents will probably freak at first and then calm down. If you can possibly put off telling the father until after his finals, maybe that's the best way to go.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by Unregistered
I mean if you do have sex and:-
a) Something goes wrong with method of contraception used

This is not always apparent.

In that situation there is no excuse not getting the morning after pill, which can be effective 72 hours after the sex.

First of all the morning after pill is not technically contraception as it's employed after conception (cue moral dilema). Second of all, whatever about condoms, many other forms of birth control are not are readlly available or publicly advertised.

You know most of the time, some girls just want to get up the pole. Don't ask me why...

Troll...

Jackoman

She hasnt posted this thread to get any grief off any body or to be told what she should or shouldnt have done. And there is no need to even carry out a debate on contraception. Its not what she wants to hear. She is asking for help and doenst need to here any of that $hit right now I'm sure. What she did is her business, all she is asking now is for help and guidance.

Gordon

"Some girls just want to - have fun"
And guys don't?! :rolleyes:

Come on people, the lady is looking for someone to advise her after the deed has been done, there's no point in running over this abortion/contraception debate. Any advice out there worth mentioning?

(Or rather, "Yeah what Jackoman said")

A couple of links for you Here for advice on unwanted pregnancies,
Here for advice on having a child.

Oh yeah, and of course the great Samaritans!

Xterminator

Best of luck, whatever happens.

Listen, there are great stories, and there are horror stories both about keeping your baby and choosing not to.

My best advice to you would be to decide what is best for you, before telling anybody.
If youre lucky you may have a friend or sister type figure you can go to and have a good chat.

Dont tell the fsather unless you decide to have/keep the baby. Belive me, it wont make his life any better, if you tell him, then decide youre terminating/placing your child for adoption.

Decide what is best for you. i know it sounds stupid, but you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

X

LegacyUser

the ability to post as unregistered is meant to be a way to ask your questions, not to act the git.

darthmise

Originally posted by Xterminator
Best of luck, whatever happens.

Dont tell the fsather unless you decide to have/keep the baby. Belive me, it wont make his life any better, if you tell him, then decide youre terminating/placing your child for adoption.

X

Having said that though he has a right to know, and it won't make his life any better if he finds out about it afterwards from somewhere else.

Gordon

Originally posted by Unregistered


Well I suppose the truth hurts.....

I didn't read what you wrote Unreggie, unfortunately, but what hurts more is having people shout out "I told you so" or "Well you shouldn't have done it in the first place" type thing when the truth is hurting. I'm sure you've experienced that in your life.

Well, we've had some interesting ideas kicking around, coming from all ends of the spectrum of this strange thing called... life.
[Gordon looks up at the stars]

I feel this thread closing its eyes slowly like a tired little kitten after a hard day of playing with woollen balls and nettles... *mmeeeiiaawwwwnnn*

Jackoman

Dont tell the fsather unless you decide to have/keep the baby. Belive me, it wont make his life any better, if you tell him, then decide youre terminating/placing your child for adoption.

Its not about making his life any better. Either way she decides I think he should be told at some point, when she sees fit. If not to be informed of what has happened and share his feelings about it with her, then to share the burden of what she has to go through and let him know what he has done, in case he ever does it again, and to let him know there are consequences for your actions. Good or bad.

Turner

Excellent advice so far from everybody, well nearly everybody.

If i was in your situation i would tell both the father and your parents. Your parents will probably freak out but give them a few days. They will soon see that the last thing you need is grief off them. And should then support you in whatever decision you take.

Another thing is you should tell your closest friends. A friend and somebody to talk to in this kind of situation can be an integral part of the "comming to terms with this process".

Anybody who has gone through something like this will tell you that telling your parents is probably alot worse than telling anybody else.

I wish you the best of luck anyway in whatever path you wish to take and hope that peoples replies here help and comfort you in the difficult and age old situation you are in.

Best of luck

Chief.

Ph3n0m

I was in a somewhat similiar situation as the original poster. I was 18 when I got my ex pregnant after only knowing her for about four months. When she told me, I was pretty calm, and decided there and then to tell my parents and her parents. The only one who blew their top was my mother, but she did get over it. I wasnt in college, but I was working at the time, and unfortunately I knew there and then that the relationship wouldnt work out (call it intuition). And so the relationship ended, but I keep in as much contact with my daughter as possible. She is now 7 and I take her to my place every weekend of the year (I wouldt have it any other way). I am as involved in my daughter's life as her mother, in that I have a say in everything that affects her from general stuff to more specific stuff (like schooling).

I guess what I am trying to say, is that it is not the end of the world, things can work out well WHATEVER you decide to do. While I am pro-choice, the thought of terminating the pregnancy never entered my head, I was of the mind, well I can deal with this (like any other person who finds themself to be a parent). What I would suggest is to take a step back and see what you want to do, aswell as telling the bf about the current situation. Then you should both talk, atleast that way you both can get things said that other wise could be bottled up for a long time.

Most parents do threaten to kill their children if they do end up pregnant or fathering children, but it is an idle threat, after all I am still alive Parents simply need time to adjust to any thing of this scale, all you can do is tell them, then give them time, but mroe importantly give yourself time.

TacT

My advice, sit back for at least a few days or weeks and try come to your own decision, whether to involve boyfriend/parents, I'm sure you're friends could help you out and if you think you're parents are really serious then maybe you could convince them you're going to England for a weekend with some friends if you choose that path (have a close friend accompany you/ boyfriend if you decide to involve him, it's your choice as far as I can see)

I know a few people that have been through this situation and worse although they've all turned out for the best and they love their kids

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it. I was afraid that it would turn into a big abortion debate but you have really helped. I've spoken to a very close friend and I've been trying to sort my self out. Still haven't told the father but I think I will when I'm ready.
Thanks again.

Enygma

Hey,
my sister recently had a baby that she hadn't planned on having.
She thought our parents would freak out, and they kind of did, but only for like 5 minutes. You're not going to get grounded or anything so I wouldn't worry about telling them. In fact I'd advise you to do it as soon as possible, I'm guessing your parents will want to support you throughout the birth.

But anyway, as my uncle said when he was told "You're not the first, and you won't be the last"

Oh, yeah almost forgot to mention that I now have a gorgeous baby neice who's just starting to crawl *Awwwww* She's the coolest!

Victor

I know a woman who got pregnant with her boyfriend and is now the proud mother of a teenager.

Originally posted by Unregistered
I haven't told anyone yet, my parents will kill me. I've always been told that if this ever happened to me I'd have to look after it myself so that means the end of college.

Yes you will need to be the main care giver, but that does not mean you will be the only care giver. Remember, this will be your parent's (first?) grandchild, they will not abandon you and your baby.

Victor

Originally posted by Beruthiel
I wish you the best of luck, and also, if you wish to PM me, go ahead - I believe you can also contact 'CURE' which were very helpful to my sister when she needed it.

http://www.cura.ie/

neuro-praxis

In case you're still reading this, here's my two cents.

Firstly, it will all be alright.

If you decide to keep the baby there are many options for you.

You can take a year off college after the birth (just freeze your course), and at this time you can claim social welfare benefits to get you by. Undoubtedly you would get support from those who love you, and you would most definitely be strong enough to be a mum - and a good one. The baby's father would also be obliged to pay some maintenence (and by the way, I think he should know ASAP - it is also his child).

After the year or whatever at home, you can return to college and put the baby in daycare if your mum won't help. Most colleges provide this service for young student mums. You would still be entitled to financial benefits, and if you had support from home, you could probably work a little too.

When you'd have finished college you'd be qualified to work full-time and get day-care, and move on with your life as normal, but with a new and hopefully lovely addition.

I thought it all over for myself once when I was waiting for pregnancy test results. :eek:

Don't despair; things are bleak right now but I've seen so many success stories amongst my friends - in fact, all of my friends that have become pregnant unexpectedly while in secondary and college are all extremely happy. Their lives are different, but they all say that they would never have done things otherwise now that they've grown to adore their children.

Very much the best of luck to you, I know you will be okay.

Xterminator

Originally posted by darthmise

Having said that though he has a right to know, and it won't make his life any better if he finds out about it afterwards from somewhere else.

No such right exists.

And i'm not sure that morally you are obliged either.
Perhaps in a perfect world, but seeing as we dont live in Utopia, ..

How many men out there have had one night stands?

Do all the men keep track of there 'semen donations' and ensure the contraception has been effective? NO!
So what makes you think cause you contributed a drop of seminal fluid that you have rights?

Get Real.

PS

An example of when you wouldnt tell the father might be.

1. It might ruin his life/reputation (if married, or a lecturer etc).

2. He is an unsavory person.(Violent or Criminally inclined ,Substance abuser etc.)

3. You have decided to terminate the pregnancy. Telling him might lead to the nightmare scenario of court injunctions, hate letters, etc.etc.

X

LegacyUser

Ok Unregistered, do not worry. I was in EXACTLY the same position almost two years ago and I finished college and am now doing a postgrad in another college. I managed it and it was just fine. My family were supportive but I mostly did it on my own and it is possible. So please do not listen to people who tell you you must quit college. Not at all!! I was pregnant for most of my final year and I still got all my college work done. Now I had to defer my exams to the autumn but my child was five months old then. I got pregnant in June and you posted this in May so Im guessing your baby is due Jan/Feb cause mine was due in March. You can get alot done in that time and whatever you don't get done, you will finish it off. Just please dont leave college cause you won't go back.

Also, my mother (my dad is dead) is the most religious person you could ever meet and would not condone sex before marriage let alone having a child but dya know what she took it badly but it got better with time and towards the end she was so excited and now sometimes i think she loves my son more than I do myself!!!! Ur parents are gonna be shocked, angry etc. Of course! But you're their daughter and they wont disown you and will grow to LOVE that child as your pregnancy progresses.

Also, in terms of what to do if you decide to have the child and finish college there are so many many options! And it is not that bad at all. My child is fifteen months now and I'm living a great life. Im single but Im living. With an education you can get a job and you will be sorted then. Girl I know what you went through and I just wanna let you know YOURE GONNA BE OK!!

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok I've just found out that I am pregnant. Haven't the slightest clue what I'm going to do. I know who the father is and we're still in touch. I still have a year to go in college so this really changes everything.
I don't want this baby now. I haven't told anyone yet, my parents will kill me. I've always been told that if this ever happened to me I'd have to look after it myself so that means the end of college.
Has anyone gone through this before or knows someone who as?
I'm at a total loss, I think I'm still in shock

estar

you poor pet. dont listen to those people
criticising you, the same thing could happen to them
next week. there is no such thing as 100% contraception.

the same thing happened to my friend in college, and
she decided that she couldnt go through with it
and tell her parents.

she finished college, and has since had another baby.


the most important thing is to tell your family. my mother said
the same thing until i went and told her my friends story
and she said - dont ever go through something like that alone.
tell a sister or an aunt. i know if my niece was in a similar situation
i would hate her to suffer alone.

again, i was at a wedding recently of a couple who had a baby
in college, and they both finished.

go to your college counsellor, and ask for advice.

go to CURA. your GP. everyone is waiting to help you along.


its not ideal. but its nothing to panic over.

hockeygirl

Hi... you poor thing you must be at the end of your wick not knowing what to do.


At the end of the day its a choice you have to make for yourself. Weigh up everything... and never... NEVER feel guilty about any choice you make.

Ypu are not the first person and certainly wont be the last to be in this situation... hell it could even be me next week.

2 of my close friends were in the same situation. One kept their child and the other terminated. I would highly recommend going to CURA they are amazing to deal both my friends went to them.

good luck with your decision and make sure you make the right choice for you and no one else:)

LegacyUser

Em, the kid is probably in primary school by now......