This one aint too bad;)

beserker

Bank Letter

This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank
thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times. I suspect
we've all thought about penning something similar at one time or
another.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in
my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial
ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes: I have
noticed
that, whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when
I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

>From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch whom you
must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal
Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned
by a Notary Public, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery


Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated
voice. Press buttons as follows:
1.. To make an appointment to see me.
2.. To query a missing repayment.
3.. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7.. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message on my
computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the contact.
8.. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
9.
9.. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.
This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
by
heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay
your
kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will
read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact
will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits
to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs
at 75 cents a minute. You would be well advised to keep your inquiries
brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your humble client, [ Name withheld ]

Vikktakkht

That's brilliant! I wonder how the bank responded to that though...?

OLDYELLAR

haha aw sweet , nice one !

Ruaidhri

oldie..but still good