lady of the night!

FatB

Two sailors standing on a street corner are approached by a lady of the night who tells them: "Boys, I'm gonna give you something you ain't never had before."
So one sailor looks at the other and says: "Oh my God! Leprosy!"



more jokes to follow on this thread!

FatB

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were talking at work. The Englishman says: "I was tidying my daughter's bedroom the other day and I found a bottle of vodka! I was shocked! I didn't know she drank!"
"You know what?" said the Scotsman. "I was tidying my daughter's bedroom the other day and I found a pack of cigs! I had no idea she smoked!"
"Well, that's nothing..." said the Irishman. "I was tidying my daughters bedroom the other day and I found a pack of condoms... and I didn't even know she had a penis!"

FatB

A man goes to visit his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sleeping with me anymore! No passion, nothing! Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is falling apart! You've got to help me man!"
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Okay. Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're very powerful. Don't give her more than one, understand? Just one. In her coffee."
"Okay." So the man goes home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man quickly takes out the pills, then slips one into his wife's coffee. And then he begins to wonder... The doc said they were powerful. Out of the blue, he drops a pill into his own coffee, just to see what it's like.
His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, she shudders, sighs deeply, and a strange look comes over her face. In a guttural tone, she moans: "I... need... a man..."
When the husband sees this, his eyes well up with tears and his hands begin to tremble. In a passion-choked voice, he exclaims: "So do I!"

FatB

This handsome doctor gets a visit from a VERY gay patient.
"Ooh, doc," says the gay man, "I've got a terrible pain up in my rectum! Have a look and tell me what's wrong, will you?"
"I know what you're up to," says the doctor, "you're just after a quick thrill!"
"No! Really! It hurts!" whines the flamer.
"Oh, all right", says the doctor as he pulls on the rubber glove. After poking around up the gay man's ass, he feels something!
"Well, I'll be... No wonder you're in pain", exclaims the doctor, "Of all things, you've got a ROSE stuck up there... No... wait a moment... there's a whole BUNCH of roses!"
So the gay guy says: "Read the card! Read the card!"

FatB

One day, Veronica got her first period. Confused and frightened, she decided to ask her pal Johnny if he could figure out what was going on down there. So she pulled down her pants and pointed to her crotch.
Johnny became serious and said: "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks to me like someone just ripped your balls off!"

FatB

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you!"
"My God!" scrmed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

FatB

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the priest was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him: "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied: "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, father."
Pastor questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back: "I'm in the secret service, father."

FatB

A beautiful lady is on an airplane, and finds herself sitting next to a Scottish gentleman, all decked out in traditional Scottish garb. The lady got the attention of the Scottish man: "Excuse me, but what do Scottish men wear under their kilts?"
The man replied: "Aye, why don' ye reach under me kilt and find out?"
So the lady reaches under his kilt, then pulls back in horror.
"Oh, that's so gruesome!" she exclaimed.
The Scottish man responded without missing a beat: "Aye, why don' ye reach under again and make it gruesome more!"

FatB

There was a missionary in deepest Africa with a tribe that had never seen a white man before. One day a young native girl gave birth to an albino baby. Immediately this was noticed by the Chief and he was upset with the missionary. Realizing the danger he was in, he knew that he had to explain how nature sometimes created these oddities. He took the Chief alone into the jungle in an attempt to explain his innocence. While walking through the jungle, God gave him the perfect example he needed to clear-up this mess. They had stumbled across a flock of white sheep. All were white as could be except for one small sheep which was jet black. The missionary pointed this out to the chief and said "look at that little black sheep, you see what I am trying to get you to understand now?"
The Chief hung his head and said: "Ok. I understand. So... you no tell on me and I no tell on you!"

FatB

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be €300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says: "Hello...Mom?"

FatB

A girl comes home from a date rather upset. Her mother asked her what was wrong and she replied: "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
And her mother says: "Then why are you so sad?"
And the girl says: "He's an Athiest, he doesn't believe there's a Hell."
Her mother looks at her sympathetically and says: "Marry him anyway. Between the both of us, we'll prove him wrong!"

FatB

A cop pulls over a car and asks the driver why he isn't wearing his seat belt.
The driver says: "Officer, I always wear my seat belt. I must have just forgotten."
The man's wife says: "Aw come on honey! You never wear your seat belt!"
To which the husband replies: "Shut up you old cow!"
So the cop asks: "Does he always yell at you like that?"
To which she replies: "Only when he's drunk!"

FatB

A State Trooper pulls over a swerving car on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am," he says, "is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replies: "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, tapping the blonde's windsheild, "that's your air freshener."

FatB

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around & saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, on hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

FatB

One night, a police officer was staking out a particular rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he was able to start his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0 The puzzled officer demanded: "how can this be?"
The driver replied: "Because tonight, officer, I'm the designated decoy!"

FatB

There's this African ambassador visiting Russia and the Russians show the African how to play Russain Roulette. The African thinks to himself: "What a strange and daring culture!" The next day the African leaves and goes back to Africa. About a month later the same Russian ambassador visits with the African ambassador in his own nation. When the Russian gets off the plane the African shows him to a circle of 6 buxom nubian babes and says: "We have created our own version of your Russian Roulette!"
"How do you play?" asks the Russian.
The African replys: "Any one of these girls will give you a B.J.."
The Russian says "Wow! What a game! But, uh... where's the risk? The thrill?"
The African says: "Oh, there's risk alright! One of the girls is a cannibal!"

OLDYELLAR

....haha , kinda sick but in a very funny way!