Dealing with the loss of a parent

Shiminay

Oh boy, this is going to be a long one...

Today's the 7th anniversary of my Dad's death and I thought I'd share some of my feelings with you - maybe you've lost a parent yourself or maybe you're facing the possibility...

Why not add you own little stories and we'll make a collection and have it as a Sticky so it'll be there for anyone that needs it at any time.

Anyway, My parents had been seperated for 7 years when Dad died. This might have helped as I was used to not really having him around. The killer is, Dad died the day before my 17th birthday so birthday's are a little strange for me.

So, the last time he managed a visit (he lived in Galway and we lived in Castlebar) was at the funeral of the mother of one of his very closest friends in Castlebar. At that, he'd been complaining of a pain in his side and had he then gone to hospital, there's a good chance he'd be alive today (he was young - he would've been 50 the year he died).

To cut a long story short, he died after 4 weeks in hospital. He had an absece on his right kidney which ruptured (I think that's what they do) and spread the poison throughout his body and he dies from Septecima (sp?) after the excellent doctors and nurses in The University Hospital Galway (they have my eternal thanks) tried their best to keep him with us.

The funeral itself was insane! Dad was a very prominent member of Fine Gael and at the time, the rainbow coalition was in power. John Bruton himself couldn't be there, so his Aide de Comp (sp?) was in attendance. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
The removal part from the funeral home was thronged. There was at least 3000 people shook my hands and passed by and to be honest, I was in auto-pilot for most of it. I thought I'd never be able to grip anything again, my right hand was in such a state
There was one poor unfortunate soul who suffered my wrath, saying she was my cousin so and so from such a place. Now, those of you who know me, know I'm a big guy and I'm normally as harmless as a fluffy teddybear, but if stirred to anger, I'm scary. So this "cousin" of mine had no idea what was going on when I said "You're my cousin, yeah?"
"Yes, from such a place related to so and so"
"So how come in my 17 years I've never met you before or even heard of you?"
"Well, I never had a chance to visit"
me, shouting: "What is it with you ****s pretending to be related to the dead person at funerals? Is that how you get your kicks? What the **** is wrong with you?"
Of course this was pure pent up emotion spilling over and if I ever met that woman again, I'd appologise. Still, thinking about it now, it was kinda funny My Mam didn't know where to look and my Uncle was staring at me in horror (I guess she must actually have been a relation).

But anyway, it went along and the funeral the next day happened and I met more "cousins" and all that jazz. I got through it and took the rest of the week off (the burial was on a Tuesday or Wednesday - can't remember). Got back to school and I had sympathies from class mates and teachers alike and a mass card from the Principal as well as a few words with him. I was OK, the end of fifth year was fast approaching, so I kinda worked away on that and waited till the Summer.

That summer was weird. I, thankfully, had some good mates to help me out - it wasn't like I talked to them about it, but we just got on with our day to day going mad on summer hollidays playing football or arsing about - you know yourself. Then myself and Killo started a band and I started to learn how to play the guitar (I could already sing). Killo was a saviour - when Dad was dying, I "escaped" to his house from my own. He was the first person I told when Dad died and it was cool the way he handled it - he said he was sorry to hear, but we knew it was coming. "C'mon, lets go break something" was his suggestion - it worked wonders

Leaving Cert started and I had no interest. I spent the time learning to play guitar and very little else. Made a balls of my exams, but managed to get a college place in Castlebar doing computers (I didn't even know how to switch one on).

College had a rather profound effect on me - I loved it - I loved every single second I was there. At this stage, I was 18, making loads of new friends, finding people who were into the same things as me and realising that life is indeed a very good thing (it is you know).
My 19th birthday came along and we were out on the piss in a big way. I was in great form, pissed as a fart and dancing like a loony. I took a breather and *WHACK* - it hit me. Some of the worst depression I've ever felt. I couldn't face the music, the lights, my mates, I just had to leave. So I got Bitchford's keys to his house and made my way to the Cloakroom. I was intercepted by Silly who was wondering what was up and I explained everything in near tears, so she gave me a big hug and said she'd see me tomorrow and that leaving was probably the best theing to do. I got to Bitchy's place and 10 minutes later, he arrived. That was cool - I just sat in the dark, not really saying anything, but knowing that there was a mate sitting in the room too ment a lot to me.

So life progressed and I met a girl and fell in love and it was great. Then that ended and I was forced to deal with not only that, but the stuff about my parents seperation and Dad's death that I'd never really dealt with. It was a nasty time for me.

But I did get through it. I'm now at a stage in my life where I'm having a ball! I'm getting hammered most nights of the week (probably not good for my health, but what harm), I have great fun with my mates, I'm living in Galway which is probably the best place on EARTH, I'm getting into my music in a big way and most recently, I got a new girlfriend who makes me insanely happy and Dav's life is pretty forking cool - I can't imagine it realisticly getting much better (the lotto'd be nice and Ireland winning the World Cup would be amazing).

So, if you've read this far - I salute you! If you've lost a parent and all seems black, it honestly isn't. Grab a hold of your mates and tell them you need them and if they're real mates they'll have already noticed and they'll probably say "We know - c'mon let's get it sorted" and you'll be sailing.

Learn to enjoy stuff - see the humour in everything (like mad Mayo men shouting at relations at their Dad's funeral) - laugh lots - invest heavily in friendship - find a guy or girl that'll make you happy and dealing with the loss of a parent/loved one won't be as difficult.

SheroN

Glad to see all is well in the world of Dav:D, Ohh and happy birthday!..have a good one!
-sher

Slaanesh

Moving story Dav,

I unfortunately have found out over the last month that my Dad has MND (Motor Neurons Disease). For those who don't know, this starts stopping the brain sending signals to muscles to make them go. It started off in his left foot, and has spread through most of his leg at this stage. He can barely walk now and using the clutch on the van is getting more difficult. It will eventually get to the stage where he will not be able to move at all, not anything. His eyes will still work and he will be fully aware, just not be able to do sweet f.a.

An interesting part to this story is that his sister from Austrailia rang and told him that a good freind of hers had gone to Brazil to see this spiritual healer named José something or other. On the plane over there was a woman in a whellchair with Mnd and had no use of her legs. To cut a long story short, the woman was able to walk back through the airport. My Aunt and Uncle interviewed this woman, they even asked her 8 year old daughter how mammy used to walk and she was able to show them. So basically all my relations are urging dad to go, he nearly went there last Monday, but it was too much too soon for him, he was trying to get the business going properly so he could get guys to do it full time and he would just be able to sell it off and retire, get an automatic car so he won't have to use the clutch and so on. But he has set a date to go, July 23rd, 3 days after my 21st birthday. It costs alot to get to this place in Brazil, but the healer does not charge. And judging by the things iv'e read about this guy, he has healed thousands of people with all sorts of problems. He has healed senators and the likes. Just the problem is, Western medicine will not acknowledge his obscene methods. In some cases he uses a kitchen knife to scrape cataracts off people's eye's without any visual dis-comfort to the patient.

All this seems very suspect and of course one wonders could it be true ? But the frame of mind that most of my family is in goes like this. All the consultant is ever going to tell my dad is how much it's progressing, there is no known cure for Mnd. So if there is any glimmer of hope, why not take it ? If anything it would probably be a nice holiday. Mam and Dad were going to go, but it turns out that they could only afford for one person to go. I think it would be very tough for Dad to go without my Mam, but if it has to be done, let it be so. There are so many things in the world that people just don't understand and cannot explain. If it heals my dad, I don't care how it works, I just care about the end result.

Slaan.

phobos

Originally posted by Kharn
So, if you've read this far - I salute you! If you've lost a parent and all seems black, it honestly isn't. Grab a hold of your mates and tell them you need them and if they're real mates they'll have already noticed and they'll probably say "We know - c'mon let's get it sorted" and you'll be sailing.

Learn to enjoy stuff - see the humour in everything (like mad Mayo men shouting at relations at their Dad's funeral) - laugh lots - invest heavily in friendship - find a guy or girl that'll make you happy and dealing with the loss of a parent/loved one won't be as difficult.

For me, I haven't actually lost a parent, but parents are separated, and my Dad lives in Dublin. I don't see him too often. It doesn't really bother me, because I don't really get on with him. Its a long complicated story. Which I'm not going to get in to here.

On the otherhand I lived with my Grandparents for 10 years of my life. I really look up to them, especially my Grandfather, who to this day looks after me very well, even though I'm not under his roof. I have a lot of respect for both of them, and know that I will not handle it very well if, God Forbid, anything would happen to them.

It's a mobid discussion, but not something that should be bottled up inside. It's good to talk about things like this. Fair play Dav for bringing it up, and having the courage to share your story with others

;-phobos-)

The Sweeper

Yeah happy birthday to you tomorrow, and fair play on all you've achieved - not to mention thanks for sharing.

Ser

when i was livin in ireland, me and any memebrs of my family would fly to UK for Drs and dentists, you have terrible Drs/dentists there.

a friend of mines younger brother, (16) had a lump on his neck, my mum saw it when he was with me one day, and said he should go get that check out, he took no noticed, my mum told his parents, they took him to a Dr in Dublin, who check itout and said it was nothing. about a month kater, my mum saw it again, and was freaked to see it was still there, and again told his parents, that it realy does look bad, get it check out, they took him again to a Dr in galway this time, who said it was nothing again. 3 months later, he still has the lump, but it has grown slightly, his parents are worried, he is now taken toe the cancer hospital in UK, where they confirm he has cancer, and its big, foudn earlier they could have stopedf it alot quiker. he has treatment every 4 weeks, the Drs in ireland are being sued bigtime. my m8 has cancer and he is now only 16, he will have this biochemical (?) plus other treament for the rest of his life, they cant stop it.


if anything serious happens to any of our family, they leave ireland and go to the best.

beaver

It's ridiculous to make such general statements and to insult the doctors and dentists of this country. If you want to complain about the health system, that's another matter.

Many of the dentists and doctors practising in Ireland would have trained abroad, probably many in the UK. To say that because they are living and working in Ireland their service is any worse than it is in the UK is simply very short-sighted and plain wrong.

I can understand how you might have developed this opinion, given the cases you listed, but really, think about what it is you're saying.

Shiminay

Sorry to hear about that Chris - a sh1tty situation

But I can't fault the guys and gals who worked on my Dad - especially the nurses in the ICU of the hospital in Galway.

However, I think that's a different debate for a different thread, so we'll stay ontopic!

Khynareth

Originally posted by beaver
It's ridiculous to make such general statements and to insult the doctors and dentists of this country. If you want to complain about the health system, that's another matter.

....To say that because they are living and working in Ireland their service is any worse than it is in the UK is simply very short-sighted and plain wrong.

May be, you have a point. I am probably used to a different service, but I have always found weird that Irish Doctors (Where ever trained), usually give Peniciline (sp?) to cure everything from kidney infection to basic cold. I think it'strying to kill a fly with a tank... I try to avoid going to doctors in Ireland as much as I can because the medecine they prescribe is certainly efficient, but probably not good for your general health... But truely, that's another topic.

In any case, fairplay to you Karn, you managed to do something I still haven't got over.

I was brougth up by my Grand Mother, because my parents did not have time (my father works, my mother is constantly depressed and on pills, dellusions & alcohol).

She meant loads to me, she still does...

2 years ago, my Granny discovered she had a cancer. She did not say anything to anybody, but went to the doc. for regular check up, until she had to enter hospital. She of course never went out alive.

I went over to France regularly to see her. Last year, about this time, I went, said hello, she hardly recognised me, the last thing she told me was that she was very happy to have seen me for the last time.

I went back home (Ireland), the next day my father rang me to tell me she was dead. I kind of feel she was waiting to see me again before going. That was an honor for me... But still... I find difficult to think about it. I still have to face some things as to my relationship with her... And it's not easy to face oneself that way, even if I have become good at it over the years, still...

Lenny

What an intresting story. Well done on typing all that out Kharn, musta be hard and a lot of thinking

smiles

*hug*

<< Fio >>

DeVore

My father and I never got on great while I was growing up. We didnt hate each other but we were too similar and would bounce off each other from time to time to let off steam (usually about other people).

We settled things about 8 years ago and it was the best day of my life. We've been best mates ever since but he's 67 but there isnt a day goes by when I wonder how I will manage to hold up at his funeral. I dont think I will be able to.

I'll tell you this though, anyone out there who is estranged from a parent or family member... make an effort, a specific effort with no other purpose but to reach out to them. Ring them and say Hi, meet them for a pint or just go out to them and say hello.
There isnt another human on this planet you can truthfully say "This is my dad/mum".

I dont know how many of my mates say the same thing: I'd give anything to go out for a pint now with my dad, I wish I'd done it when he was alive.

Dont be a fool if you still have the choice.

DeV.

hacktavist

Great post Kharn although I still have both my parents.
Quite a few off my freinds have lost a parent and its
good to know how they must feel.
But the worst thing is when you say something about there
parent whos dead forgeting there dead I hate that

Ser

umm..often think the same, my farther wants to meet me, he lives in dublin, none of my family will give him my contact details, since he left when i was like 7 iv not spoke or seen him. dont realy want to meet him, but would feel **** if he died.

Shiminay

To Ser:
Go look him up Chris - like Tom said, There isnt another human on this planet you can truthfully say "This is my dad/mum".

To hacktavist:
These things always happen Steven - not a lot you can do about it I'm afraid. If anyone says it to me, I like to joke about it (I love to watch people squirm as I tell them "That'd be hard, he's dead!" after whatever they said), but I don't let it upset me (and why would it - it's an innocent mistake).

Anyway, I didn't think this'd generate such a response, thanks all of you for the thoughts, comments and hugs

I was out in the pub last night (a little early birthday celebrations are never bad). My mates were playing in a Battle of the Bands and I had a quiet one for Paul (my Dad) and it made me feel a little more at ease.

A little gesture every now and again - be it a raised glass, a little time in comtemplation remembering something you admired or a time you enjoyed together is always good - for anything, not just a deceased relative.

Kalina

Kharn, you're story is very moving and I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you now.
I haven't lost a parent but just over a year ago my best friend lost her mum to cancer.
As her friend I tried my best to be there for her and to support her but during the funeral and in the weeks after it, she was (understandably) on auto-pilot and wasn't letting anyone in. Anyway, I felt awful, which is selfish I suppose cos I'm not the one who just lost her mum but I felt rubbish and a bit useless cos I couldn't do anything to help her.
But a few months later she e-mailed me saying that my just being there to talk or to just not say or do anything but just be with her was a major help to her.
Like Kharn said grab a hold of your mates and they'll help you get through it, and I'm so glad that I was of some help to someone in that awful situation

smoke.me.a.kipper

Kharn, id just like to say thank you for sharing.

LegacyUser

Id just like to second , or maybe third or forth at this stage, the sentiment that friends really can help you get through the toughest times you'll ever experience. In the past year I've experienced some trajedy in my own life and Ive found that friends have kept me going at times .Not by solving my problems but by just being there , being fun and distracting and just themselves.They are the much needed something constant and normal in my life.

I've also found though that some people whom I had been very close to beforehand have just moved away from me.They seem almost uncomfortable in my presance now. I've asked one of them why this is and she said its because she doesnt know what to say to me now, that she knows she cant make things any better or change whats happened and she feels helpless around me. From what some others have said I think they feel simmilarly. I'd just like to tell them that I dont expect them to change whats happened and I know they cant make me feel differently about it but that just being there , sometimes sitting saying nothing ,just the company and the knowledge that the person cares enough to be with me is what really helps.

So the message I really wanted to get across is that if something 'bad' happens in the life of someone you are close to ,dont feel that theres nothing you can do and do try to resist moving out of their lives. Just be there in whatever way you can manage it.....whether as someone to mess around with or someone to listen to them when theyre feeling bad. It really does make a huge difference..... even if it doesnt seem at the time that you can help at all or that they particularly want you around.

SantaHoe

Originally posted by Khynareth
I have always found weird that Irish Doctors (Where ever trained), usually give Peniciline (sp?) to cure everything from kidney infection to basic cold. I think it'strying to kill a fly with a tank...

Yeah, I had penecillin perscribed to me for a chest cold, which funnily enough I was (unknowingly) extremely allergic to... so I went from having stuffed up lungs to almost dying in the space of a few hours ... but the boys over in the A&E ward fixed me up nicely, and the ambulance arrived pretty quickly too!
After that, I don't know what to make of the health care system. :rolleyes:

I lost my grandmother there last year, and I can really relate to the whole 'auto-pilot' analogy ... can't quite imagine what it's like to lose a parent though, and it's not really something I relish thinking about

I guess it's only when you lose someone or have a close call yourself, that you realise just how fragile and short life is ... it changes your whole outlook IMO.

Also, kudos to Kharn for the nice thread

black_wizardd

Dav - well done mate, very kind of you to share such an emotional experience with everyone.

Ser - Get in touch with your Dad. My parents are divorced and I saw my Dad for the first time in 8 years when I was 13 (he left when I was just gone 5) and it was one of the greatest days of my life. You probably think it'll be weird, it wont, trust me. When I saw my Dad it was as if he'd never left, it felt completley natural. I will never forget that hug, never.

To add some good news to this topic my Mum is getting re-married on the 4th of May to a real gentleman who treats her like a Queen and I couldn't be happier for her .

DeVore

Ser, like the others I'd say give your dad a shot and go see him.
Single weirdest ****in day of my life but like someone said, I'll never forget that hug.
Maybe it wont work out, maybe it will, you'll never know unless you try and you wont have to wonder about it for the rest of your life if (god forbid) anything bad happened.

DeV.

DadaKopf

I don't exactly know what to say here but I feel compelled say something just because of the subject matter. My mum died in 1998 when I was doing the Leaving Cert but she had been ill since 1987, when she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She had two major operations, one when I was eight and another when I was 15, doing the Junior Cert.

I think I can speak for everyone, and it's overstating the obvious, when I say that when death or the prospect of death arises, you go through a radical shift in how you see the world. Time gains more significance and life takes on a significance that you, hitherto, had never been open to. Basically, as much as my Mum's illness right through my childhood has been a curse, I believe it has the power to open people up to new things. Fundamental things. This isn't meant in any spiritual or religious sense, I don't go in for that, I mean it purely in a practical, real-life way (but if you believe in that, fine). Whoever's death you are involved in, be it a parent, relative or friend, it's always a positive experience as much as it is a negative one. Quite simply, both go hand in hand.

But the death of a parent is the most profound; people never get over those - there's only two people in the world who you can truly call your parents. Everyone has different ways of dealing with it - profound sadness or locking emotion out. Either way, you never get over it.

Them's just a few thoughts.

LegacyUser

<drunken ramblings>

The second aniversary of my Dad's death wasn't so long ago, and just reading this thread stirred up a few things for me.

I'll be the first to admit that the my father and I were never that close, out of three kids, I was the one with the least in common with him, and of course he didn't quite approve of my lifestyle choice. However, when I first heard he had a heart attack, I went into a mortal panic - all I could think of was the worst. Spose, it's just a natural response

He came out of hospital, and things gradually returned to normal...I went on about my life, back to my job etc, and we trundled along with our lives. 3 months later I got a call at 7am to say my he had died in his sleep. That day was just one of the worst I've ever experienced. It was like someone had come along and ripped our family into little pieces.

I've never been good with funerals, and I just blanked that morning out - all I remember is telling myself not to be a fool and not cry in the church. The aniversary was worse, I couldn't go at all. This year, I did go to it. That whole day - exactly 730 days since he died - made me think of how much he'd given into my life and how little I'd returned. I suppose the good thing about parents is they dont expect return at all.

I'm not over it, but I'm not overwhelmed by it either. I know one thing for a fact: my father was a realist, he would of wanted people to get on with their lives, not live them around his memory. I think thats the only way I could do it, and I suppose thats his legacy - those important little thingshe thought me, made me who I am.

/end drunken ramblings

phobos

Right,

I have to jump in here again. Fair play to the people who have shared experiences so far, you have provided some exellent advice. Thank You

I have noticed a lot of you advising: "Try and get closer to an absent parent". So could you please advice me on what to do. There is 15 years of complications, so this post will probably be quite long. But I will try and cover only the relavant points.

This is something that has bothered me my whole life. My relationship with my father. It's something I don't talk about too often, but I feel quite at home talking about it here (which is strange, for me anyway).

Right I mentioned before that my parents split up when I was 7. While things were very shady at home I moved to Dublin for a few months to live with my Aunt. When I came home (back to Galway), my father was gone, and myself and my mother moved in with my grandparents (mothers parents). Shortly after, my younger brother was born, and my Dad played little part in his upraising. My dad lived in Galway for a couple of years after that, and I visited him now and again. I could tell by his lifestyle that he wasn't completely happy to have me around, and it was like he knew I was there, but all of a sudden didn't want to be a father figure (for now he was Mr. Single again). I can always remember visiting him once when he was stoned out of his head, with some of his mates. I was only 10 at the time, and didn't know the difference between gear, and ciggies, but when I hit college, the smell triggered off some serious memories. Still does to this day.

My mum, wasn't a complete saint either. But that's a different matter, and she has come around since then. But it took a long time, and I still don't fully trust her judgements, and decisions. I think I mentioned earlier that I wouldn't handle my grandparents passing away, very well. The reason for that is probably obvious at this stage, because they raised me, and my brother too, eventhough my mother was there. My grandfather was strict, and did a good job, and I have great respect for him. I would go for a pint with him a lot quicker than some other people my own age.

When I was around 13/14 my dad moved to Dublin, and I saw even less of him. Contact was now reduced to irregular phone calls. He was supposed to pay my mum child support, but instead posted money to myself, and my brother, and really tried to win our love back with material things. This pi$$ed my mum off rightly, and she went on a spree of telling me everything that my father "apparently" did to her, while they were married. Some of the things really freaked me out, and I still wonder if they are true. Because of my mum's past lifestyle I don't fully believe the things she says/said about my dad. In the end I just told her to stop, because it upset me. It actually got to the stage where I would leave the house (quite upset) telling her that it wasn't my fault that they got together in the first place.

As time progressed, my dad started coming down from Dublin more, and really started to spoil myself and my brother. Christmas was a big time of the year, where we practically got whatever we wanted. I look back at that and think, "it was all a competition between my two parents". At this stage my father had really appeared to settle, and every so often would tell me about projects that he was working on from time to time. Some of his ideas were quite "MAD", for the lack of a better word. This got me suspicious that my he was going crazy. Considering himself, and his brothers were painter & decorators, he was working on stuff that had nothing to do with that career. He started to invest a lot of money in to projects, that just seemed to go nowhere, yet he wouldn't stop. My mum branded him as a nut, and seemed to enjoy telling me this. Around the time of my 18th birthday, his brother was diagnosed as Schizophrenic, and my mom kept telling me that she bet my dad has similar metal problems. My dad started to show signs of serious paranoia, when talking on the phone to me. He would tell me things about people here, and people there, that just didn't sum up. I began to get worried about him, and I couldn't exactly talk to my mother about it. Every story was one sided. Evertime his name came up, I could never get a word in.

I decided to visit his parents, which I only ever did around the odd Christmas. I never really associated with that side of the family (I just didn't like them). But his mother was easy to talk to, she works for the Samaritans, and is a good listener. She sat me down, and I asked her what did she think of his recent behaviour. She told me that she thought he was investing in projects that would go nowhere, but he still seems to have enough money to live, and it's what is keeping him happy. She then went on to tell me that he lives a very lonely life in Dublin, she doesn't think he's been in another relationship since my Mom. She doesn't ever hear him talk about anything else other than work, never friends or anything like that. She told me that he lives for myself, and my brother, but lacks the social skills to relate to us. Right at that point I just cracked, and that was it. I broke down in front of a my grandmother, a person that had hardly seen me before, nevermind see my cry. I could tell that she didn't expect to see me get upset. I just asked her if she could pass on a message to him for me, because there was no way I would be able to talk to him. I just asked her to tell him, that I will always class him as my father, and I love him as my Dad, but my head is fried, and I can't think straight.

My mother never knew about that visit, and still to this day doesn't.

Things got really out of hand after that and I didn't know how to deal with anything. I quickly became depressed, and felt I couldn't talk to anybody. Things in my life started to change fast, and I had started to use computers as a way distract myself from thinking about it. That worked, but I was bottling everything up. In March 1999, I attempted suicide, from an overdose of paracetamol, and it nearly feckin worked too. But I was caught in time, and rushed to the hospital where the poison unit, got everything under control. This was the worst point of my life.

Things got better, and I started to do well in college, and computers really took over my life. But I never got the opportunity to set things straight with my dad. What is wrong with me is that I want a relationship with my dad, but I know he wouldn't know how to handle it after all these years. My mom wouldn't want that, and that's for sure. I chat with him on the phone, I even bought him a mobile phone, a few years back, so we could enhance contact. That worked, but he is still the same old person. In recent times he has taken an interest in what I'm doing in college, but I'm afraid he is only doing it because he see's it as something that could come useful to one of his "projects", which I have told him several times, I have no interest in, but he won't listen. It has come to the stage that he has made my quite mad, but I don't want to be mad at him. He doesn;t handle arguements very well. I have tried to tell myself, that he's only doing it because he wants me to be in his life when I finish college. But he doesn't seem to show any interest in my future plans, only his, and how I could benefit his projects.

Right this has to be one of the longest posts I've done in a while, but it's something I wanted to get off my chest. I salut you if you've read this far. ATM I wouldn't class myself as depressed, but I'm a little shaky, and have made myself talk to people if that ever happens.

Help, if you can

;-phobos-)

Clintons Cat

Phobos it sounds like you have been making one hell of an effort to get to know your dad,the sad fact is that he seems unwilling or unable to reciprocate the effort on his side.This doesnt make him a bad person but you have to recognise that whatever he says or does in the future will never compensate for your loss in your formative years.
Really you need to do some searching and ask what it is you want from your dad,recognition?love?an apollogy for not being there for you? or just a kind word?
I dont think you will ever get these things from him,continue to maintain contact with him on your terms but expect nothing from him in return.

and if you Suspect he is currently manipulating you for his own personal financial ends,make it clear next time he mentions his next project that you have ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of participating in his schemes.You are a fully grown man and the time for Father Son bonding sessions has passed you by.Dont get drawn into participating in his financially risky projects they sound like the grown up equivelent of a pa and his son building a soap box in the back yard and dreaming of winning the grand prix with it...A Pipe Dream

phobos

Originally posted by Clintons Cat
and if you Suspect he is currently manipulating you for his own personal financial ends,make it clear next time he mentions his next project that you have ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION of participating in his schemes.You are a fully grown man and the time for Father Son bonding sessions has passed you by.Dont get drawn into participating in his financially risky projects they sound like the grown up equivelent of a pa and his son building a soap box in the back yard and dreaming of winning the grand prix with it...A Pipe Dream

Christ you sound like you know us

You are dead right, that I have passed the whole father/son bonding stage. I am a fully grown man, with future plans of my own. I would have liked to for once hear my father talk to me like a Dad, and not always about business. But that's the way he is, and there is nothing I can do about that. It's a ****ty scenario, and something that has been constant for the past 15 years, but I have found that since I've gotten older, I am finding it harder to deal with it on an emotional level. The way I look at it, everybody has day-to-day lives, and also things that are constant, and never change. That could be in the form of childhood memories (long term), to what you are going to eat today (day-to-day). For a long time I have tried to block out what may have happened, because I don't think I can change it. I like to live my life from day-to-day, it's much easier that way. As regards my life, I think I've made the right decisions, and it's getting me places. As I said, I have plans of my own, and if I were to sit you down and tell you my plans, and then my dad's, I'm sure anyone in here would advise me to stick to my own.

One thing that get's me down is the fact that these people are my parents, the people that are supposed to guide you, and so forth. When you loose your trust in them, and don't get the support you wanted, it can be hard. There are times I have said to myself, I would like to forget it all, and concentrate on my own life, because that seems to be going along fine. But then every other day the phone rings, and I'm reminded of something I had hoped to forget.

Cheers for the feedback
Appreciate it.

;-phobos-)

BuffyBot

Originally posted by phobos

As I said, I have plans of my own, and if I were to sit you down and tell you my plans, and then my dad's, I'm sure anyone in here would advise me to stick to my own.
[/B]

You can#t be what other people want - cheesy as it sounds, you can only be the person you are. Parents should respect, if not understand, that fact.

One thing that get's me down is the fact that these people are my parents, the people that are supposed to guide you, and so forth. When you loose your trust in them, and don't get the support you wanted, it can be hard.

Yes, it can - been through it myself. Again, add more cheese - but I consider my friends to be my family now. They've given me more then most members of my family. If you have lost your respect and trust in your family, I hope you have good friends - they can fill a hell of a gap :]

azezil

/hugs phobos

Beruthiel

One thing that get's me down is the fact that these people are my parents, the people that are supposed to guide you, and so forth. When you loose your trust in them, and don't get the support you wanted, it can be hard.


there's just one thing I'd like to add here phobos -
parents don't get a manual on how to be a good one nor do they go to school and do a course, they learn from what they remember from their own families and many grow up to be useless at it - it took me a long time to realise that it's not my mothers fault she is the way she is (that's not to say if she had taken a good look at herself maybe she could have changed a few things)
I know that it is very difficult to come to that realisation, but if you do, it makes it a little bit easier to see him for who he is and perhaps it will help you to feel better in yourself.

androphobic

Well done for telling your story Kharn, it was very moving.. people like you and everyone else who has lost a parent should be admired for your sheer courage.

I fortunately still have both of my parents, though the last 3 years have been quite traumatic in that my father has been very ill. As DadaKopf said, the possibility of death is something that changes your outlook as such.

My dad had a brain haemorrhage when he was 42 and I was 16 and it really changed my life, as he was practically dead but thank god it wasn't meant to be I guess. I will never ever forget that day or those that followed.. I remember being called to say goodbye to him and the priest giving him his last rites... some images never fade away I guess. 6 people were in the intensive care ward he was in and the other 5 died. That day I had had a fight with him - a rare occasion between us - and my last words to him were "oh just **** off". I'm so glad I was given a second chance - words will never describe my feelings.

I guess he's an unlucky man in that he was diagnosed with cancer less than a year later but he's strong and is fighting back.

Things like this give you strength and often change you positively of course, but sometimes its so hard and so trying. I admire all of you so much for being (or appearing to be!) so in control of the situation following the death of a parent. I hope that I'll find the same strength when the time comes.