a few jokes

ayatollah

Farmer Joe had recently been injured in a serious traffic accident and decided his injuries were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Records show that at the scene of the accident, you stated to the police 'I'm fine.'?"

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into my trailer, and..." "I didn't ask you or details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the highway..."

The lawyer interrupted again, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was, 'Just fine'. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe that he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, though, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer, and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Farmer Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the highway, when this huge semi-truck ran the stop sign and smacked into my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch on one side of the road, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad, and didn't want to move. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew she was in bad shape."

Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"




A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub.

There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father reply's "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."

ayatollah

I like Monkeys..

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a Solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys





Once in a medieval times..there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".

The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose.

The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.

The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not even a 30 pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.

The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save The Queen".