Some Jokes

EL_Diablo · 19-03-2002 1:35am #1

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a
sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other
drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out
"Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.

The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was
going on. The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been
drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a
couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now
when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is
you call out the number and if people think it's a funny one they
will laugh."

The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and
then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly
and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over
and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.

The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke
than the others?" And the barman said, "Well, there are two
reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."

One Sunday a priest told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the priest glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a €500 note in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The priest asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the priest. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar,
an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly
manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If
you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you
buy ME one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't
my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up.
Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the
Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies,
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll
buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair
enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

Ok...my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It
vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

"It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through -- don't be upset. It won't be long."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said softly, "There, there, Monica, don't cry -- only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh no, my daughters name is Tammy, I'm Monica."