the grave fruit

gertrude

the grave fruit by Gertrude & Shaw

I went to the shop to buy some bananas for a snack.
I got home and took the bananas out of the bag.
Just then....

Two large monkeys lunged,
lunged from behind my cupboard door.
Disarmed me of my banana lunch,
and left my lying on the floor.


what is this, this thing that happened,
well said i 'tis just some crap and,
ne'er do wells shall seeth and reek,
betwixt the face of monkeys cheek.


The dark ravens of anger that circled my brow,
soon scattered hither and tither,
leaving only revenge; a cunning old sow.
Retribution's plan would take feather.


i found an odd straggler who seemed to like turnips,
picking through garden stuffs faster than burned hips,
so i picked him from hence and said you nincompoop,
you shall be thrown thence and made into soup.


Please good sir said he,
Tis not me you seek, not me,
I saw the bugger dressed in blue rags,
Climb threw your window with moving bags.


i searched my quarters tenfold twice,
making sure it still looked nice,
opened up the bathroom door,
to see the hairbags on the floor.


My revenge said I does not lie,
with you beasts of brain small
And dim unrecognizing eye.
Under my knife will fall,
the manipulator; an agent from hell.


"RAAA!", scremed one and "RAAA!", screamed the second,
and from the night a third was beckoned,
they jumped upon my sturdy frame,
and tore and shook and cursed my name,
i faltered not in my desire,
to slice them up with eyes of fire,
so handle held with virtue true,
i lessened numbers three to two.


With a blinding flash of ultra violent light,
My frightened foes vanished into the night.
A bead of sweat reflected my deed of death,
and my contenance trembled in fright and regret.
My cruel hand would surely be venged,
by the unGodly forces that nature clenched.


the creature's corpse was hacked and mangled,
lifeless limbs contorted, dangled,
thrown into the nearby river,
the sight betook all viewers shiver.
but sleep it seemed could not be fought,
and so, dreamt i, unholy thoughts,
to slay a creature so like man,
tmust murder be with cursed hand.


Mornings light did nay brighten my sullied mood,
Destiny's eyes looked upon it's food.
Escape, ESCAPE I thought,
my fatality being wrought.
Without further ado,
My body with energy new,
Packed my bag with corn and maize,
And began my journey from fiendish gaze.


betwixt the streets and o'er the bridge,
galloped i with steed robust,
worry they might find me where i hid,
i travelled to the house of lust.
for so tis said "one cannot hide,
upon the landscape tis outside,
so one must find solice still,
in a place of sin until,
the danger passes day and night,
and one would surely lack in sight."
so indeed, maison derriere,
was not beneath the watchful air,
and i did take a spritely dame,
although i did not know her name.


Transfixed with my tale so tall,
She vowed always to heed my call.
(As long mine pocket was filled with all it could hold;
coins, diamonds, velvet and maybe some gold.)
Delighted with her loyalty fair, I did beseach,
"Come with me when this stifling curse ends its reach."
Said she, twill be an honour when cometh that day,
Just one question, how much will it pay?


four thousand million trillion ten gadzillion billion pounds,
such massive sums of coinage surely always do astound,
so when the brazen lady said that she would stay till death,
i felt that something was awry and would discover it.
i found upon her nightgown small collections of brown hair,
and she did always smell as if she wasn't quite so fair,
and twas a hideous sight to take when i was to her bidden,
two monkeys taking turns and making sure that she was ridden.


Her pleasure-filled face turned to terror,
when mine gaze looked on her error
"They forced me fair patron" cried she,
"I am but a naive nymph taken easily"
"Take thy pale face from the floor"
I yelled in an anguish filled roar.
Turning to the beasts, said i angrily:
"Wherefore didst thou attack me and flee"
"Good sir", replied the first chimp,
"Mordon's our leader, the hairy old gimp."
"He sent us" added the second,
"To return his banana, previously taken"


"So", said i, "twas mordon's evil,
that produced such fiendish devils,
he shall pay and i shall reap revenge."

"But", said i, "tis not my place,
to let such horrid acts embrace,
so i must kill them off before i leave."

forty gallons squared of petrol,
poured upon the writhing brothel,
chorus of the safeless harem peaked.

screamed they forth with pleasure true,
into flames went they, into,
fusing them together at the core.


After one short look on my devilish deed,
I walked away and mounted my steed,
"Curse you Mordon" my voice did bellow
As I rode beneath sunlight, so pale and yellow.

As i did wander
my mind did ponder,
Wherefore wouldst Mordon,
The powerful supernatural being,
Solicit a task so menial and unbelying,
As take a banana 'sif twer a matter of dying.


some home went i to my abode,
then searched i my large fruit bowl,
where was this banana of importance?

found i him upon my floor,
twas not bruised d'spite its fate of yore,
so thought i, t'must be opened and eaten.

for twas such an evil thing,
excrement should match it's cling,
out away from here it would go floating,

so with hammer fierce and hard,
banana opened up in shards,
and each one was consumed by my abhorrence.


"Reginald, you have made a great blunder",
a voice did say to me as loud as thunder,
"Mordon" I cried in a tone of hatred and defiance,
"I have swallowed your prize and slain your alliance."

Again the voice boomed as twere a scream from hell,
"The banana will eat your insides, thou funeral bells doth knell,
And when 'tas ruptured your spleen, and damaged your knee,
Home will it come to it's maker and master;....me"


not so, vile serpent of repulsion,
bought i yester eve a stomach,
made, it was, from solid glass,
placed, it was, from mouth to ass.

eat i sharp utensils varied,
slide it well betwixt my cherries,
you shall see no banana whole,
for t'did pass out through my hole.

splashing into toilet bowl,
clockwise flushed and smell so foul,
twixt the pipes and into gutter,
"cursed wretch!", i hear you mutter.

down the stream and into sea,
excrement did travel free,
power is no longer held,
by your dank and rotting spells.


I did hear Mordon's unearthly rumble,
"Excuse me, excuse me"; he uttered, a low bassy mumble.
"I did not want this banana for spells of yore,
Not for me, smiting men upon the floor,
nor turning princesses to frogs of bumpy moist skin,
No, I never was as trite as that, just ask any of my kin"

"What i wanted that banana for" continued he,
"was to munch and crunch, that is all, simply,
A healthy lunch, for weary wartorn warlord."
"Please" said I, "Oer hills and through fjord,
Thou wretched beasts did chase me,
I do not buy your tale; i say this regretedly"


mordon, spake, "i hast not sinned,
my minions did ignore my words,
tis not my fault your lady was pinned,
and ridden like the wings of birds."

"twas you who killed the wretched apes,
and you who burned the pleasured folk,
stop you, tried i twice in capes,
but kill them, did you break the yolk."

"the guards are coming this way forth,
to tow you to your darkened cell,
for you caused all the evil here,
my lunch did steal - tis you from hell."

i gasped in my amazement true,
"it wasn't me, no!, it was you!",
but as i thought my actions through,
i realised he spake the truth.

po0k

Jesus.

ToxicPaddy

whats all that about..???

Got lost after the 3rd paragraph..?????:rolleyes:

Irish_Ranger_IR

started well, too long....other boards to post on....

smoke.me.a.kipper

oh sweet david of apeathiea.

Kairo

= tHE rAVEN?!1



Madness..

WhiteWashMan

good first line,
ood last verse.
didnt read the middle bit.
literature is probably a better place for it to be appreciated to be honest.
they are all barbarians and heathens and philistines on this board...

gertrude

please take time to read it. it is worth it.

azezil

well it becomes annoying when you come accross it on every forum :mad:

gertrude

the only reason it's on several forums is to reach more people. if it annoys you, please just ignore it.

Monty - the one and only

Theres a thing called spamming, and then theres me. Neither go together.