book of gaseous

ayatollah

Book Of Gaseous

In a recent major discovery, several sections of a previously unknown
book of the Bible were discovered and translated. Here, in part, is the
translation of the only known copy of the Book of Gaseous...


And it came to pass that the goat shepherd Gaseous had a vision.
Whilst tending his flock, a thunderous roar filled the air, and dark clouds
rolled in from the west. Gaseous fell to his knees and began to pray. The
Lord's voice came from the clouds. "Gaseous, you are to be a messenger of
the Lord. Within all of my creatures lies fertile ground for evil spirits
to develop. These evils must be expelled with great force, lest they
manifest themselves into greater evil. Take it upon thee to spread the news
across the land."

"Yes, O Lord. Yet I do not understand the way in which we shall rid
ourselves of the spirits. I pray thee, show me the way O Lord, that I may
sing thy Word to all people."

A large bush suddenly sprang from the ground before Gaseous. On the
bush hung large ripe beans.

"Partake of these beans. Return here tomorrow and I shall show thee
the way."

Upon this Word, Gaseous ate the beans. That night a vision came to
gaseous in his dream. A great wind erupted, and evil spirits were swept
from the land. Angels appeared and sang a hymn:
"Behold thine Lords Magical Fruit
The more thine eats
The more thine toots"

Upon waking, Gaseous returned to the Bean Bush. The Lord appeared
before him. "Take these Magical Beans and plant them across the land. All
who eat of these shall be expelled of evil spirits. Read to them these
commandments."

A large tablet appeared, and the Lord vanished. Gaseous trembled in
fear. Suddenly he passed an evil wind and his fear was gone. "I smell the
foul stench of Lucifer. I must spread this throughout the land."

He gathered up the beans, and set out to spread the word of the Lord.

Gaseous arrived in the town of Effluvium and stood amongst its people.
He placed a bean in the ground and from it sprung a large bush. "The Lord
hath spoken unto me and I am to spread his word."

He told of his visions, and all who heard ate of the beans. He raised
the tablet over his head and proclaimed, "Blessed is thee, O Lord, for this
is your word. Upon the expelling of evil spirits, thou shalt warn others of
the presence of evil, that they may escape the spirits wrath. Thou shalt
not expel evil spirits near fire, for the spirits may raise up and attack at
thee. Thou shalt not withhold from expelling evil spirits for this allows
them to grow stronger and thus become harder to pass. Thine animals may
also have evil spirits, and thus shall not be mistreated for ridding of
them. Thou shalt know the difference between riding of evil spirits and
relieving thee, or face embarrassing punishments. Thou shalt not pass gas
indoors, for this allows the evil to linger and grab hold of others. Should
thee need to rid of spirits indoors, thou shalt blame thyself and not the
animals. Thou shalt know that evil spirits can remain in thy clothes, so
cleanse frequently. There are many spirits in many forms. Fear not of
ridding that which is good. Forgive those who rid of evil in your presence,
for they must relieve themselves of the foul winds. This is the word of the
Lord."

A great wind arose from within Gaseous, and all the town could smell
the Evil. They prayed for forgiveness and soon were relieved of their evil.