Jackeens

Monty - the one and only · 17-01-2000 10:42am #1

Dublin was founded in the 8th century by the Vikings, when they realised
that the best way to cause lasting damage to the country was to build
what leading Viking at the time, Hagyar Ringsend, termed "A ****hole for the
ages".

This statement was proved true over time.

Luckily for the rest of Ireland, Dublin is located on the east coast.
This means that the prevailing south westerly wind generally takes the smell
across the Irish Sea to Britain. In the 1950's Britain retaliated by
building Sellafield nuclear power station. The Irish Sea is now one of
the cleanest in the world, the radiation from England and the filthy pus and
bile from Dublin nullifying each other. It is a pity for us all that
Dublin is not located 50 miles further east.

However, many "Dubs", or "Gob****es" as they are known to the rest of us,
would go even further! This is because Dublin is all that remains of what
was once called "West Britain". Dublin people share many characteristics
with the English people,including an amazingly low alcohol tolerance,
ridiculous accents and the ability to get into a barroom brawl with
Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa.

Indeed, many young Englishmen come to Dublin for "stag nights"- not for
the nightlife, but because all of the sluts there are falling over themselves
to be impregnated by anything with a foreign accent in order to claim
"choil'
benefih'", or "children's' allowance" as it is called in the civilized
world.

But beware! Dublin beer is much more expensive than ordinary beer. This
is because it is watered down with expensive mineral water. You see, due to
Dublin being a pox ridden eyesore which leaks revolting pus into our
beautiful land, they have no clean tapwater. In fact, 86% of Dubliners
don't even know what a tap is (the other 14% knew that it had something
to do with beer). As a result, the beer is watered down with mineral water,
as I said, and now the average Gob****e must fork out well over the odds for
a pint.

But don't let this put you off visiting cosmopolitan Dublin, where
absolute knackers mix freely with some of the world's snobbiest *******s. Let the
heroin, car theft, annoying whinger *******s, syphilisinfested
prostitutes and Europe's worst traffic system put you off going there instead. Exits
are by road, air and sea only, and are usually quite busy, so be patient.

Ah Dublin! Capital of Ireland. Europe's smallest capital and also its
smelliest. Step off a train at Heuston or Connolly station and breathe in
that unmistakable aroma of **** and puke. But it's the people of Dublin
who make our capital city what it is. We call them 'Jackeens' because of a
visit to Dublin by Queen Victoria which saw the locals line O'Connell Street
while waving Union Jacks at their visitor. Ask anyone with even half a brain
how many counties there are in Ireland and they will tell you 32. But not our
friends in Dublin. For some bizarre reason they firmly believe there are
only two:

1)"Dooblin"and
2)"dowen da coontry".

Next time you're in Dublin, check out the excellent selection of Radio
Stations, both of which play the same five songs all day. Whether it's
98fm or 104fm, tune in at any time of the day to hear Robbie Williams and The
Lighthouse Family. You'll never get tired of it !!!