State of washington Vs God

Xterminator

Dunno if youve seen this before .. if you haven't its good.

X


WASHINGTON, DC?Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the
religion industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district judge ruled
Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to be
broken up into several less powerful deities.
"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the
deity known as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from
other deities and demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare
tactics as threatening non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote
District Judge Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. "In the process,
He has carved out for Himself an illegal monotheopoly."
The suit, brought against God by the Justice Department on behalf of
a coalition of "lesser deities" and polytheistic mortals, alleged that He
violated antitrust laws by claiming in the Holy Bible that He was the sole
creator of the universe, and by strictly prohibiting the worship of what He
termed "false idols."
"God clearly commands that there shall be no other gods before Him,
and He frequently employs the phrase 'I AM the Lord' to intimidate
potential deserters," prosecuting attorney Geoffrey Albert said. "God uses
other questionable strongarm tactics to secure and maintain humanity's
devotion, demanding, among other things, that people sanctify their
firstborn to Him and obtain circumcisions as a show of faith. There have
also been documented examples of Him smiting those caught worshipping
graven images."
Attorneys for God did not deny such charges. They did, however, note
that God offers followers "unbeatable incentives" in return for their
loyalty, including eternal salvation, protection from harm, and
"fruitfulness."
"God was the first to approach the Jewish people with a 'covenant'
contract that guaranteed they would be the most favored in His eyes, and He
handed down standards of morality, cleanliness, and personal conduct that
exceeded anything else practiced at the time," lead defense attorney
Patrick Childers said. "He readily admits to being a 'jealous' God, not
because He is threatened by the prospect of competition from other gods,
but because He is utterly convinced of the righteousness of His cause and
that He is the best choice for mortals. Many of these so-called gods could
care less if somebody bears false witness or covets thy neighbor's wife.
Our client, on the other hand, is truly a 'People's God.'"
In the end, however, God was unable to convince Schofield that He did
not deliberately create a marketplace hostile to rival deities. God's
attorneys attempted to convince the judge of His openness to rivals,
pointing to His longtime participation in the "Holy Trinity," but the
effort failed when Schofield determined that Jesus Christ and the Holy
Ghost are "more God subsidiaries than competitors."
To comply with federal antitrust statutes, God will be required to
divide Himself into a pantheon of specialized gods, each representing a
force of nature or a specific human custom, occupation, or state of mind.
"There will most likely be a sun god, a moon god, sea god, and rain
god," said religion-industry watcher Catherine Bailey. "Then there will be
some second-tier deities, like a god of wine, a goddess of the harvest, and
perhaps a few who symbolize human love and/or blacksmithing."
Leading theologians are applauding the God breakup, saying that it
will usher in a new era of greater worshipping options, increased
efficiency, and more personalized service.
"God's prayer-response system has been plagued by massive, chronic
backlogs, and many prayers have gone unanswered in the process," said Gene
Suozzi, a Phoenix-area Wiccan. "With polytheism, you pray to the deity
specifically devoted to your concern. If you wish to have children, you
pray to the fertility goddess. If you want to do well on an exam, you pray
to the god of wisdom, and so on. This decentralization will result in more
individualized service and swifter response times."
Other religious experts are not so confident that the breakup is for
the best, pointing to the chaotic nature of polytheistic worship and noting
that multiple gods demand an elaborate regimen of devotion that today's
average worshipper may find arduous and inconvenient.
"If people want a world in which they must lay burnt offerings before
an earthenware household god to ensure that their car will start on a cold
winter morning, I suppose they can have it," said Father Thomas Reinholdt,
theology professor at Chicago's Loyola University. "What's more, lesser
deities are infamous for their mercurial nature. They often meddle directly
in diplomatic affairs, abduct comely young mortal women for their
concubines, and are not above demanding an infant or two for sacrifice.
Monotheism, for all its faults, at least means convenience, stability, and
a consistent moral code."
One deity who is welcoming the verdict is the ancient Greek god Zeus,
who described himself as "jubilant" and "absolutely vindicated."
"For thousands of years, I've been screaming that this third-rate sky
deity ripped me off wholesale," said Zeus, speaking from his Mt. Olympus
residence. "Every good idea He ever had He took from me: Who first created
men in his own image? Who punished mankind for its sins? Who lived
eternally up in the clouds? And the whole fearsome, patriarchal,
white-beard, thunderbolt thing? I was doing that eons before this two-bit
hustler started horning in on the action."
Lawyers for God say they plan to appeal Schofield's ruling and are
prepared to go all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.
"This decision is a crushing blow to God worshippers everywhere, and
we refuse to submit to a breakup until every possible avenue of argument is
pursued," Childers said. "I have every confidence that God will ultimately
win, as He and His lawyers are all-powerful."