men and women

ayatollah

Women Vs. Men

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women won't shut the **** up long enough to build up the pressure.

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?
A: If you dragged them by the feet they filled with dirt.

Q: Why do men have dicks?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut women up.

Q: Why don't women like to fish?
A: You have to shut the **** up!

Q: What's the difference between a dick and a paycheck?
A: Women will blow paychecks without hesitation.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A bitch who won't do what she's told.

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: SHE WAS A WOMAN.

Q: How can you tell you're ****ing your woman too hard?
A: Stick your thumb up her butt and your middle finger up her pussy.
If you can snap, you need to ease off a little.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers go away.

Q: Why do some women have small bumps on their nipples?
A: It's braille for "place tongue here."

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her tits that a 25
year old woman doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the **** should we fix it? We never use it!

Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: You need to bang them a few times before they loosen up.

Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: How do you make your wife scream twice?
A: **** her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: Why are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Q: How are women like rocks?
A: The flat ones are the best to skip.

Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: How do you **** an ugly woman?
A: Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women nuts?
A: Money.

Q: What do you call a lesbian Playboy centerfold?
A: BITCH

Q: Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you can't help but wonder who was there
before you.

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey?
A: Is it in?

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in
common?
A: They both **** pigs.

Q: What do you call the worthless piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.

Q: What is a period?
A: A bloody waste of ****ing time.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to bitch at you,
what did you do wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why don't women carry umbrellas to work?
A: Why would they need one from the bedroom to the kitchen?

Q: What do you call that little area between a woman's pussy and
her asshole?
A: A chinrest.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who gives a ****? Why was she out of the kitchen?

Q: What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Albert Einstein's dick.

ayatollah

The Perfect Day According To…

HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - Oral sex
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch
3:15 - Oral sex
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink beer with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - Oral sex
6:50 - Huge dinner, more beer
8:00 - Fall asleep in front of TV while receiving Oral Sex
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

ayatollah

Things Woman and Men Would Never Say

The Last Thing you would EVER hear a woman say.....

1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.

2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that
way.

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just too cute.

6. This diamond is way too big.

7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!

9. Does this make my butt look too small?

10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

11. I think belching is really sexy.

12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.

13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers
tonight?

14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you
see other women.

15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.

16. I love a good cigar after sex.

17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass
boat.

18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.

19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the
workbench.

20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I
wish I could meet her one day.

21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.

22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson
fight at a bar.

23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!

24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again
today.

25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all
day.

26. I understand.

27. You don't swear enough.

28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.

29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper
and we can spend the money we save on beer.

30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.

31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go
with anything.

32. I think I'll call him up and ask him out.

33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that
girl a slut! She's just really friendly.

34. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.

35. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.

36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.



The Last Thing you would EVER hear a man say......


1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfcuker.

2 . While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Her tits are just too big.

5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.

7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.

8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and
I can hold your purse.

9. Fcuk Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.

10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for
directions.

11. Hey look, there's a wool and fabric shop! Let's go buy
something.

12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. You go
on ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.

18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. My butt's too big.

19. It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot.

20. I know you just blew me but I need a kiss.

21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

22. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.

23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she's getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.

24. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.

25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't
look at them any more.

26. I understand.

27. This movie has too much nudity.

28. Damn, we're late for church!

29. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits.

30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

31. Over-sized t-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat
chicks.

32. Slow down, you move too fast. You've got to make the
morning last.

33. Put some panties on for Christ's sake!

34. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you
home.

35. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

36. Hey, watermelon bathroom air-freshener pot-pourri. Let's
get some!

ykt0di9url7bc3

I've unleashed a monster.....

The guy posts as fast as he talks.....lol

Pugsley

SearrarD,is it your fault he has come here?!
/me pats SearrarD on the back
good job,the jokes he comes out with are bloody hilarious

Glitz

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."