IRISH jokes

Sangre

[Please read message at bottom when you're done]

1.Where do you find an Irish woodworm?
Dead inside a brick.

2.How do know if a fish is Irish?
It has drowned.

3.How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he is ironing.

4.How do you keep an Irishman busy?
Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

5.How do you spot an Irishman at a car wash?
He's the one on the bike.

6.How do you sink an Irish Submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

7.How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

8.There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

9.A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. The coma continued for nearly 6 months, but then she suddenly woke up, alarmed to find that she was no longer pregnant. Frantic, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."

This caused the woman some concern, with the thought -- "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" -- flashing through her mind. With some trepidation, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

10.An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl
the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into
bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the
next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

I have plenty more so if ya want them just ask

Victor

Originally posted by Sangre
[6.How do you sink an Irish Submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

Eh, we don't have any submarines ....

Sangre

But think of the madness if we did!!!!!!1

BlackMagic

lol , hust wondeing were u get all these jokes sangre

Sangre

I pluck them outta me head
Well actually its a big secret
/me taps me nose

rymus

most of those look suspiciously like the blonde jokes that were posted in another thread.... I'll get columbo onto it..

Sangre

Originally posted by rymus
most of those look suspiciously like the blonde jokes that were posted in another thread.... I'll get columbo onto it..

PLease not columbo he's a loose cannon. Yeah i know some of the jokes are similar appearantly blondes and the irish are stupid. Man i'd hate to be a irish blonde

Uphamizer

What nationality are you Sangre?

Sangre

uhh irish, why?

Originally posted by rymus
most of those look suspiciously like the blonde jokes that were posted in another thread.... I'll get columbo onto it..

I was just about to say that when i saw ur post lol

Sangre

Why did the chicken cross the road ?-The Irish version ! 

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? 

SINN FEIN: That would be a matter for the chicken. Sinn Fein and the chicken 
are not part of the same organisation, although we share some ideals. If 
there are presently any chickens in Sinn Fein, we are not aware of it. 

ORANGE ORDER: The chicken is entitled to walk in a peaceful manner on the 
Queen's Highway. It's a traditional route. Anyone who tries to deny the 
chicken his rights to walk on the road will find the road blocked at both 
ends until the chicken is allowed to walk in a dignified and non-threatening 
manner, without accompanying bands if need be. 

DUP: We are implacably opposed to the chicken crossing the road until the 
chicken's armaments have been removed and the chicken itself declares it's 
diabolical intentions. 

IRA: On behalf of the people of Ireland, we reserve the right to defend the 
roads of the island against the chicken. For 800 years the Irish People have 
resisted the imposition of chickens by force of arms and shall continue to 
do so until the chicken is expelled from our land. Anyone collaborating with 
the chicken, or assisting or enabling the imposition of road crossing by 
chickens, will be deemed legitimate targets in our struggle against 
tyranny. 

UFF: We, the loyal defenders of Ulster roads, reserve our right to 
retaliate against any precipitory hostile actions by the chicken. We shall 
meet this with deadly force. (A donation to the Loyalist Prisoners 
Association will ensure free passage of the chicken with respect to the road 
and the crossing thereof, till the same time next month anyhow. Do chickens 
have kneecaps?) 

UUP/SDLP Joint statement: We believe that only by working together in 
unison, and with the majority of the people of this island, the British and 
Irish Governments and our friends overseas behind us, can we find the answer 
to this question. If we do not, or cannot, then our children will rightfully 
ask us the question, 'So why did the chicken cross the road?' 

THE HOME SECRETARY, UK GOV.: While not normally commenting on security 
matters, Her Majesty's Government feels it is right and proper, in this 
instance, to make a statement on this affair. - Members of the Special Air 
Services involved in a covert anti-terrorist operation on the road at 8:42 
this morning observed the chicken attempting to cross the road. As the 
chicken was approached by one of the soldiers involved, it was seen to make 
a threatening movement and action was taken to nullify that action. It has 
not been ascertained why the chicken was crossing the road, and it seems 
unlikely that we will now discover the motive.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets
for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to
be able to talk their way in ate the gate. Security was very
tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a
stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman
came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing
a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and
said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the
site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented
himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was
also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready
to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of
chain link, he presented himself at the gate and announced,
"O'Sullivan, fencing."

A irish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices
a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and
order a drink.  The irish guy calls the bartender over and says
"whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her
it is on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the irish guy,  "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the irish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's
a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the irish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the irish guy very casually strolls
down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says,
"so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship
had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.

So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the
family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room
table. The matriarch or the family asked the lad's girlfriend, "So, tell me,
lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family
members who splashed her face with water which brought her back around. She
returned to her seat and the family calmed down and resumed the meal. At
that point the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I
heard you correctly.... what is your
occupation?"

Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought
you said you were a PROTESTANT!"