Importing dodgy material... IN MY NAME?! B*stard!

Bard

I got a letter from the Air Mail Unit of the Customs & Excise office in Dublin Airport this morning saying that a package consigned to me at my address had been selected for routine examination. I rang up the Customs & Excise officer who sent the letter to explain that I wasn't expecting any Air Mail and to ask what this was all about.

She said that the package, which came from the US, was like HUNDREDS they've gotten in there recently, clearly marked as a "COMEDY VIDEO TAPE" and wrapped similarly to Amazon's packages - was I sure that I hadn't ordered anything? I said that no, - I occasionally use Amazon - but usually use their UK store instead of the US store, hadn't used the US store in about 3-4 months and wasn't expecting a delivery from them.

She said that she suspected it to be hardcore porn because they'd had hundreds of packages come in recently which were wrapped similarly and turned out to be just that. She asked if I wanted to be present for the opening and examination of the package. I re-iterated that it wasn't for me and told her that she could open it away to her hearts desire and destroy it if necessary.

On receiving that instruction, she went ahead and opened it (in the presence of an An Post official of course) and it turned out to be a DVD with "Filthy Whore" in the name and featuring a naked woman on the print side of the disc. Naturally this confirmed her suspicions that it was hardcore porn. It also dumbfounded me... because - yeah, I'm only human and yeah- I've looked at a bit of porn occasionally (who hasn't?!)... but this package clearly wasn't for me... I didn't order it ... so I told her she could go ahead and destroy it at will as it wasn't for me and I had no need or want for it.

The story doesn't end there, however... a mere few minutes later, a friend (lets call him Bob) rings me and asks me if I'd like to go for a few pints tonight... I say yeah, - and I say 'you'll never guess what I got in the post this morning!'... proceeding to explain about the letter about the package (without mentioning to him that it was actually a porno DVD), expecting he'd think that Customs & Excise were going to haul me in to open what they thought was a bomb or something.

Immediately "Bob" speaks up and says "ehh... ohh... ah..- I've got a confession to make..." - he spills his guts and tells me that oh yes, HE ordered a hardcore porn DVD from the States and specified it be posted under "plain cover" as a gift to my address. He said he did this because he was scared of what his dragon lady mother would do if she found out. I told him to hell with his mother, what'll he now do that I've found out!! As well as that, I told him that he'd want to get on to whoever he was ordering this stuff from and tell them that their "plain cover" packaging isn't fooling the Irish Customs & Excise and that they've apparently stopped and destroyed hundreds of similar packages recently.

I was p*ssed off with this (so-called) friend of mine and told him that it's just as well I had told Customs & Excise to destroy the blasted thing. "Oh No!", Bob says... "I wanted it for a stag party!" - WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, BOB?... Ring them back and ask "would you mind not destroying that hardcore porn after all? my idiot 'friend' ordered it in my name and wants it for a party..."... - eh... no... you can f**k off and do it yourself.

And he did.

The muppet.

Next person to embarrass me like that gets a dinner fork rammed into their eye.

Interesting morning, though...

MiCr0

use 2 forks
and a hammer

the guy defn deserves idiothood alright

.M.

Bard

By the way- this is a true story... and the DVD was NOT for me. I might spend my money on a lot of stupid things (and I do), but hardcore porn is not one of them.

Apparently, they're getting this a lot ("hundreds of similar packages") in the Air Mail Unit in the airport at the moment and most of it is coming from Switzerland.

Anyone had any similar experiences?

DeVore

yeah.
right.


DeV.

gandalf

ROFLOL the old "my mate ordered it" story

As Dev says yeah right

Gandalf.

Bard

Originally posted by gandalf
ROFLOL the old "my mate ordered it" story

I know, I know!

I wouldn't believe it myself, were I not the one it happened to...
fact remains though... it IS true.

Other fact remains... I'm gonna f**kin' kill 'Bob'!

Boston

Originally posted by Bard

Next person to embarrass me like that gets a dinner fork rammed into their eye.

Interesting morning, though...

haaaaaa, i cant stop laughing, ouuuuu ill use that one never time im telling a story

Dr. Loon

I'd say they're not destroying the DVD's at all, but there's some lad/lass in customs and excise with a wicked porn collection now
Sure if I was in customs and excise I'd "confiscate" a few for myself... who wouldn't?

MindPhuck

rofl!

azezil

Da fecker! ROFL

WhiteWashMan

youre such a dirty little bástard bard.
id say you thump away in front of your pc most nights

there was this one time at band camp.....

Dr. Loon

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
youre such a dirty little bástard bard.
id say you thump away in front of your pc most nights

"thump" away.... what an excellent description... ha ha

Lenny

haha, yea dirty fecker Bard

Good story btw

meglome

Hey Bard what's your adddress I have a hankering for some midget porn and I don't think my girlfriend would like it delivered to our place.

Stephen

Hehehee, this should be on the humour board

Tomorrow's headlines in the sun:

PROMINENT "IRELANDOFFLINE" REPRESENTATIVE IN HARDCORE PORN SCANDAL!!

Oeneus

Well here... give us his Mother's Full name and address and we'll send him some plain looking packages!

Each Boards user send one package!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAGH!!!!

b20uvkft6m5xwg

Originally posted by Stephen
Hehehee, this should be on the humour board

Tomorrow's headlines in the sun:

PROMINENT "IRELANDOFFLINE" REPRESENTATIVE IN HARDCORE PORN SCANDAL!!

Oh dear God....
I have sore ribs after all that !!

In this instance I think I could condone an eye for an eye.
[goat p0rn needs sending to said friends address perhaps;)]

Boston

with said friends, mothers name on the package

b20uvkft6m5xwg

ahh no...

That might kill the poor woman !
Send it with his name and "Goat Porn: Handle with Care" written all over it:p

Boston

haaa, now theres an idea

Victor

Anyone ever heard of a post office box? [and no I've never had a PO box] I also wonder if there is actually anything on the DVDs, could be a great scam ala Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels.

rymus

I think its time to leave a flaming bag of poop on your friends doorstep

or perhaps a flaming sack of poop, depending on how much poop you can collect in a short space of time

strat

rofl
theres a yarn anyway
make a great party story


..
..
...

or not

Are we to assume that 'Bob' is no longer your friend? :)

I woulda shown it to his ma. That is the ultimate of all vengeance.

Clintons Cat

My thoughts exactly.
Not to mention your postcode will probally be on file now so expect your overseas postings to be routinely screened.
That he didnt tell you till after the all clear makes me wonder if he would have been so quick to confess to you if the customs had deceided to take the matter further.

Victor

Originally posted by Clintons Cat
Not to mention your postcode will probally be on file now so expect your overseas postings to be routinely screened.

Very little post here has post codes:

Dublin Northside 1,3,5,7,9,11,13,15,17
Dublin Southside 2,4,6,8,10,12,14,16,18,20,22,24
Cork Northside 1,3 [not used]
Cork Southside 2,4 [not used]

Thats well under 800,000 people in a population of 3,800,000 that have post codes and thats 25 post codes for 800,000 people .

However, automatically sorted post (anything that a scanner can read - mostly typed addresses) will have a code printed on it (usually a faint orange colour).

Its not like in the UK where your post code + house number is all you really need. eg, "10 W1 5PW" would deliver to number 10 on 5PW[insert real name] Street in West London.

dobdobdo

Great Story But i'd sure love to hear Bob's version. Is it Bob the Unlucky octopus?

sceptre

Just tell his mother that this is what he's been up to

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2002050329,00.html

(someone did mention g0at p0rn - this guy took it seriously)

PiE

Originally posted by sceptre
Just tell his mother that this is what he's been up to

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2002050329,00.html

(someone did mention g0at p0rn - this guy took it seriously)

"My friends have been giving me a lot of stick. They are all joking with me about it. I have never done anything like this before."

Oh well that's ok then! Roffle.

Victor

"Two members of the public pinned down Hall while a stream of officers raced to the scene. Jobless Hall, from Hull, was initially arrested by the Humberside Police Dog Section."

My if only there was this levels of diligence with 'ordinary' crime. Can someone tell me (a) why this level of response to goat sex (b) what is the fascination with goat sex?

seamus

Roflmao some class quotes out of the article:-

British Transport Police Detective Inspector Dave Crinnion, who investigated, said: "I saw the goat the next day — it did not seem too upset but it is difficult to tell."

Is an absolute classic :D

Blitzkrieger

Originally posted by dobdobdo
Great Story But i'd sure love to hear Bob's version. Is it Bob the Unlucky octopus?

lol - if Bob was still here he'd be mortified. No - Bob lives in England (afaik) where hardcore donkey pron is legal.

Bard

Eh.... no...

The "Bob" in question (as in my original posting) ... lives in Dublin, - where the importation of hardcore pornorgraphy IS illegal... (or is it?... I seriously don't know)...

For Occy's sake- the original post of mine has absolutely nothing to do with the boards.ie user "Bob The Unlucky Octopus".

Sorry for the apparent similarity - ... "Bob", on my part, was just a pseudonym for "dickhead who ordered said DVD in my name"....

Kix

I suspect that it's not so much illegal as the film in question cannot be imported because it does not have a certificate in this country.

Then again, clubs can show stuff which does not have a cert.

It's an interesting one. I must see if I can find anything on the gov.ie website.

[EDIT]

I'm still not 100% sure. As far as I can tell, it illegal to supply a video if the censor has specifically prohibited it.

However:

17.—(1) An officer of customs and excise may detain on importation into the State any video recording that, in his opinion, ought to be examined by the Official Censor under this Act and refer it to him for the purpose of such examination.

(2) Where a video recording is detained pursuant to subsection (1) of this section, the officer of customs and excise concerned shall, as soon as may be—

( a ) send the recording to the Official Censor, and
( b ) (i) in case the recording was at the time of its detention in the custody of a person entering the State, notify him in writing, and
(ii) in any other case, notify in writing the person to whom the recording is consigned, or his duly authorised agent,
that he proposes to send or has sent the recording to the Official Censor in pursuance of this section.
(3) Nothing in this section shall affect the operation of the Customs Acts.

Were you notified that they were submitting it to the censor?

[/EDIT]

K

Bard

Originally posted by Kix


Were you notified that they were submitting it to the censor?

I wasn't notified of that because they *didn't* submit it to the censor.

Kix

Originally posted by Bard


I wasn't notified of that because they *didn't* submit it to the censor.

I think you should make them give it back.

It's only fair.

Just ring up the censor's office and ask if "Grubby Ho Pool Party" or whatever it's called is on the list.

Then make a few more up.

You could amuse yourself for hours.

Sure, you've nothing better to do now that they've confiscated your porn!

J/K!

K

Bard

Originally posted by Kix


Sure, you've nothing better to do now that they've confiscated your porn!

I presume you actually read my post before replying, but it still seems necessary to tell you that:

1> They DIDN'T confiscate it. They "selected it for routine examination".

2> It's not MY porn.

It's "Bob"'s, - he rang them back, he's got it, and he's welcome to it. As WhiteWashMan suggested (about me at the time), I'm sure "Bob" IS "thump[ing] away in front of [his] pc most nights".

As I said, if "Bob" ever does anything like that again, Mr. Dinner Fork will be having a sudden meeting with Mr. Retina and Mr. Optic Nerve.