A few jokes

Mr.Applepie

Some of them might have been posted before but hey.......


A man and a woman who have never met before
find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both
manage to get to sleep, the
woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans
over and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you, but I'm awfully cold
and I was wondering if you could possibly pass
me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his
eye, says, "I've got a better
idea ....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f**king
blanket."

---

Two married blokes are out drinking one night
when one turns to the other
and says,"You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before
I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the
garage.........I take my shoes off
before I go into the house, I sneak up the
stairs, I get undressed in
bathroom, I ease into bed and my
wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO
DO YOU CALL
THIS?"......................
His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're
obviously taking the
wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam
the door, storm up the
steps
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed,
rub my ands on my
wife's
butt and say, "How about a blow job??".....and
she's always sound
asleep.

---

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most
evenings bowling or
playing
basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is
pushing himself too
hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before. "Oh
no!"
says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if
he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable
and says, "You must come
here a lot for that woman to know you drink
budweiser. "No, honey,
she's in
the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with
them."
A stripper comes over to their table and
throws her arms around Dave
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table
dance?" Dave's wife, now
furious, grabs her purse and storms out of
the club. Dave follows and
spots her
getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her and she starts
screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and
says, "Looks like you
picked up a real b*tch tonight, Dave!"

---

A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry,
I can't come into work
today, I'm sick."
"How sick are you?" asks his boss.
"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my
sister."

---

An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his
breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very
good reason for you to
come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the
morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."