dublish exams

jaarius

jsut got this as an FWD but most probably have read it... but its funny.

> DUBLIN MATHS TESTS
>
>
> NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT
>
> MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE
>
> NORTH SIDE OF DUBLIN:
>
> *******************************************
>
>
> NAME _________________________
>
>
> NICK-NAME ____________________
>
>
> GANG NAME ____________________
>
>
>
> 1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for
300
> quid
> and 90 grammes to Tomo for 90 quid a gram.
> What is the street value of the rest of his hold?
>
>
> 2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 quid a royde, how many
roydes
> per
> day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 quid a day crack
> habit?
>
>
> 3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000
quid,to
> make a
> 20% profit.
> How many grammes of strychnine will he need?
>
>
> 4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got 350,000 for the hit.
If his
> common
> law wife spends 33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he
gets
> out?
>
> Extra Credit Bonus:
> How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that
spent his
> money?
>
>
> 5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square meters and the
> average
> letter
> is 1 square meter, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid
ounce
> cans
> of
> spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
>
>
> 6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of
35
> mph,
> Eamo loads his brothers armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load
the
> gun,
> how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?
>
>
>
> SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT
>
> MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
>
> IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN:
>
> *******************************************
>
>
NAME______________________________________________________________________
> ___________________
>
>
__________________________________________________________________________
> _________________
>
> ________________________________________________________________ (if
> longer,
> please
> continue on separate sheet)
>
>
> SCHOOL_____________________________
>
>
> DADDY'S COMPANY___________________
>
>
>
> 1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of
damage
> and
> killing
> three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the
court
> system,
> then
> forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The
difference
> between x and
> y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead
people.
> What
> kind of
> car is Julian driving now?
>
> 2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and
> own-brand
> products
> for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a
month
> she
> saves the
> price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the
> difference.
> Is she
> thick or what?
>
>
>
> 3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only
has
> enough
> Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how
is
> he ever
> going to shag the other two-thirds?
>
>
>
> 4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a
size
> 8
> Versace.
> If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to
make do
> with
> a size
> 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?
>
>
>
> 5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a
week he
> fancies
> women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners.
> However he
> only
> has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday
> Independent
> column start?


jaz?

linkin

But, over on the northside here it's nothing like that

I life beside ruff area's and it is like that, but not in the little nice area i'm in

- Shane

Dave

Jokes, you get jokes?

Baz_

he was just saying what he was thinking, he got the joke im sure but its hard not to reply when someone starts generalising. however as you said its a joke so I decided not to reply about the generalisation, but now you've made me godammit.

richindub2

I get jokes! Jokes are teh funney.

Also, the topic's very good

kustomer

just something i found, i dunno

http://antisham.cjb.net

Stephen

Ah you dubs deserve it anyway, for all the abuse you give those of us who don't live in the pale

edit: oops, typo

phaxx

Found another one!

Application for Registration as a native Dub:
                                  
  ==================================================
      


        Name:______o (i.e. Decko, Shayo, Rayo, Anto, Tommo......)

        Address:_____________ Mansions/Villas (circle as appropriate)

        Number in family on welfare:  ____
        (if more than 10, please fill in form B)
        Favourite drug: ____________ _____________________
        Favourite singer/band:
        _____ Sonny Knowles
        _____ Furey Brothers
        _____ Bagatelle
        _____ Brendan Grace
        _____ Wolfe Tones
        Favourite hostile venue:
        _____ O' Connell Street
        _____ Sherriff Street
        _____ Ballymun
        _____ Ballybrack
        _____ Ballyfermot
        _____ Sallynoggin
        _____ Sean McDermott Street
        _____ Dalymount Park
        _____ Other (File additional sheet with list of no more than 25
              choices)
        Favourite limit of vocabulary saying:
        _____ "Get Ourra Dat Garden!"
        _____ "Yer Wha?!!"
        _____ "Yez'll Never Beat de Bohis"
        _____ "Says my old one to your old one....."
        _____ "I s'pose a ride is ou' of de question?"
        Favourite weapon:
        _____ Broken bottle
        _____ Large gang of friends (for single combat)
        _____ Knife of any sort whatsoever
        _____ Mother
        _____ Stolen car
        _____  Horse
        Favourite holiday resort:
        _____ Bray
        _____ Dun Laoighaire
        _____ Swimming Pool in Sean McDermott Street
        _____ Hollyhead
        _____ Butlin's
        _____ Any of the Cinema Complexes:
                       Tallaght _____
                       Artane   _____
        Favourite means of spending all dole money on Thursday:
        _____ Piss-up with de mates
        _____ Snooker and a piss-up with de mates
        _____ Snooker, greyhounds at Shelbourne Park and a piss-up
              with de mates
        _____ Snooker, greyhounds at Shelbourne Park, piss-up with de
              mates, and a good wife-beating.
        Favourite name for daughter:
        _____ Alexis
        _____ Krystal
        _____ Kylie
        _____ Eric Cantona
        _____ Ryan Giggs
        _____ Robbie Fowler
       
        Favourite item of clothing:
        _____ Ryan Giggs Man. Utd. t-shirt
        _____ Eric Cantona Man. Utd.t-shirt
        _____ Robbie Fowler Liverpool t-shirt
        _____ ****-me skirt/t-shirt/shirt/blouse/bra, etc., etc.
        _____ ****-me pumps
        _____ Arnott's Dublin GAA jersey (to be worn 365 days a year)
        Girth of potbelly: ____ inches
        Favourite food:
        _____ Batter sausage
        _____ Batter burger
        _____ Onion Rings
        _____ Scampi Fries
        _____ Batter cod
        Have you ever heard of:
        _____ Washing
        _____ The Irish language
        _____ A job
        _____ A winning hurling or rugby team
        _____ The words "the"/"that"/"these"/ "those"/"out" pronounced
              properly
        _____ Entrepreneurship
        _____ Condoms
        _____ Northside meeting Southside for peaceful coexistence
        _____ Anyone called Decco/Anto/Rasher/Rambo/****face (insert
              endearing Dublin nickname) in Killiney on a saturday night
        _____ Anyone walking alone in the Northside on a Saturday night
        Favourite overseas holiday:
        _____ Costa del Sol
        _____ Santa Ponza
        _____ Isle of Man
        _____ Connacht
        Number of cars stolen in lifetime (even if you couldn't have
        been dere dat day, no way, mister): _______
        Number of bicycles stolen in lifetime: ______
        Favourite Dub Delusion:
        _____ People from other countries like it
        _____ People from other parts of Ireland want to live there
        _____ It doesn't really smell that bad
        _____ It's a progressive, modern city
        _____ The inner city and human contents shouldn't be nuked
        There's a nice little community in ________ (insert suburb)
        Your idea of God:
        _____ Gaybo
        _____ Aonghas McInally
        _____ Gerry Ryan
        _____ Mike Murphy
        _____ The guy who gives the dole cheque
        _____ Eamon MacThomais
        _____ Ronnie Drew
        _____ Eric Cantona
        _____ Jimmy Keaveney
        _____ Bertie Ahern

            Would you qualify?  ____________

lol i also get jokes.

This is the only chance i have of laughing at scumbags without fear of having "my fúcking block knocked off" etc.

kustomer

well heres another chance, go here http://antisham.cjb.net and post on the forum there

Sangre

I am partial to the odd scumbag slagging without getting beaten up!
If only i was faster i could insult them to their face and run like the dickens!!;)

UP DA SOUTHSIDE

rymus

run like the dickens...

waaahh thats the funniest thing I've heard (in context) in ages...

ahh *wipes a tear from his eye* god bless you kings of comedy

azezil

Ah yes humor, comedy, wit, funniness, the funny side, hilarity, absurdity emmm I like, am fond of, love, keen on, enjoy, partial to it all.