Some mildly funny jokes

rymus

Three women...
>....had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning
>hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and
>compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims
>that she was the drunkest, saying,"I drove straight home and walked into
>the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10
>minutes."
>The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car
>and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have
>insurance!"
>The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home,
>I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and
>burned the whole house down!"
>The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out
>again,"Listen girls, I don't think you understand...
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>(keep going....)
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>Chunks is my dog."


There was a cruise ship going through some rough
waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small
deserted island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for
men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the
girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having
sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very
tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while
nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So.............................











..................They buried her!!!!!!!!!!




A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is
there.
The man replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at
it".

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and
get it
out I'll have a look for you" The man jumps up onto the bed and
produces a
12-incher from his underpants.

After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I
have to
say, I can't see anything wrong with it." To which the man replies, "I
know, it's a ****ing beauty, isn't it ?!"

---

10 things you'll never hear a woman say

1) I'm bored. Let's shave my fanny!
2) Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?
3) That was a great fart! Do another one!
4) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
5) You're so sexy with a hangover.
6) I'd rather go and play Tomb Raider than go shopping.
7) Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9) I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
10) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

---

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the
undertaker
calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I
do
with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The
undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife
visits
her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face,
so
she whispers in his ear,

"It ****ing hurts doesn't it!"

---

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing
passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you,
but
do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."

---

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

---

WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them

---

Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to
the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home
after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to
the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take
my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL
wakes up and
says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?"

His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps,throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my
wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' .......and she's always
sound
asleep.

---

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips
called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there

Q. What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of one another?
A. A block of flaps.

---

A young boy approaches his mother and asks, "why do women get
married in
white..?"Mother replies, "because they are angelic, virginal
creatures and
white is the colour of angels." The boy asks his dad the same
question to
which the father replies, "All kitchen appliances are white,son."

SantaHoe

LMAO
Some great ones in that, well worth the read.

Pugsley

LMAO some nice 1s there

The_Bullman

the jokes were pure class

first one was sweet for me as i was looking puzzled at the comp for a while thinking to myself that i just didn't get it until i scrolled down.....


also the guy and girl in the cinema

i love those ones

Lump

LOL, I love the cinema one and the last one especially. Well done



John