[HOAX] The best letter of complaint (to NTL) !!

c0y0te

Folks,

I got this in the mailbag today and thought it was worth reposting here. It is apparently a genuine letter of complaint from a very pissed off customer in the UK, to the bane of his life, NTL. Enjoy

c0y0te

________________________________________


Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me
that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - **** though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become dessicated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,

Xxxx Xxxxxxx

dahamsta

That's really beginning to do the rounds now, even as a bloody Word doc via email (for a text file? hello?). And of course I get plenty of them, because of my, uh, position on Irish comms. So now they all get this (warning: rude) back in response.

adam

tHE vAGGABOND

It was funny a couple of weeks ago too

rymus

ahhhh great entertainment value... oooooohhh missus. Ere Adam, how much did that PO Box cost u? just out of interest

dahamsta

I think it was 70 or 80 quid. Dead handy for when you work the net from home, keep the knackers and lusers at bay. It's not anonymous though, you have to show ID to get 'em.

adam

chernobyl

this was found on a satellite news group about sky digi and has been customised to suit sky digital

Dear Cretins,

I have been an Sky customer since 9th June 2001, when I signed up for
your ****ing, over-priced tv service Sky Digital.

During this four month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance
and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
waiting for your technician (haha) to arrive. When he did not arrive
at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating
hold music while you bastards charged me at national rate. I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my
testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt
both familiar and highly adept. The installation was then rescheduled
for some two weeks later.

Two weeks later, the ****ing technician, again, failed to turn up.
After several further telephone calls (actually 25 telephone calls
over 6 weeks at national ****ing rate) your poxy technician arrived
... a total of eight weeks after installation had been promised, and I
begun to pay for it, or to be exact, from when you started stealing
money from my bank account, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.

I estimate that your service is roughly unwatchable 35% of the time
due to bad weather, the other 65% of the time is filled with shopping
channels & brain numbing, tabloid, muck -raking **** trying to pass
itself off as entertainment (and that's just sky News)... I have made
9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help **** staff this
week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that I will be transferred to someone who knows
what the **** they're talking about (and then been cut off), that I
will be transferred to someone who knows what the **** they're talking
about (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me
that your office is closed) and several other variations on this
theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a hundred thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend
to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to
voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending
hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought ITV Digital were ****, that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever,
could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose Sky, and
because, not living in a cable franchise, there isn't anyone else is
there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower
of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

ITV Digital - **** though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity
will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these
feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a
small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at
the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards BSkyB, and
it's worthless ****ing employees.

Have a nice day - you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly
unhelpful bunch of ****ing ****.

Yours psychotically, Xxxx Xxxxxxx

Boston

and this needs a new tread because...?

its very clear its an "urban legend" since the ending gives it away, ive heard that so many times before.

dahamsta

I don't know if it's really a hoax or not, but I always reckoned it was. Off topic, locked.

adam

PS. My letter isn't a hoax. Well, not really. I didn't actually send it to anyone, but I don't need to, do I?